Faith and Failures

When life feels like a setback, I realized it's an opportunity to 'till my soil.' Just like fertile ground allows seeds to root deeply, preparing ourselves creates a strong foundation for future growth. It's about going deep to find nourishment, even when the winds blow.

My morning starts simply: get up, meds, brush teeth, then straight to my Bible. My wife brings me decaf coffee with collagen to help my hair grow. It's a peaceful start, just me and the word.

Overwhelmed by intrusive thoughts, including suicidal ideation, a deep struggle with imposter syndrome, and isolating from loved ones. This cycle of darkness returned after a period of absence, bringing feelings of guilt and questioning faith.

He used to see disturbing images, but now, closing his eyes brings only his wife's loving words. The shaking, suicidal thoughts, and depression are gone. He sleeps soundly, thanks to natural supplements.

In a moment of prayer, a suppressed memory surfaced: a childhood sexual assault. The overwhelming feeling was one of shock and disbelief. Yet, through faith and the guidance to relinquish control, there's a path towards healing and worship, even in the face of past trauma.

Treatment Website:

https://ambio.life/

Documentary: https://www.inwavesandwarfilm.com/

A lot of people talk about PTSD like it’s only flashbacks and bad dreams. Bill describes something darker and quieter: sitting in church, worshiping, and still getting hit with suicidal ideation so loud it feels like a command. He’s a professional counselor who works mostly with veterans, and he’s also a pastor, which makes his story even harder to ignore. He knows the clinical language, the coping patterns, and the church expectations and he admits what it’s like to keep it together at work while falling apart at home.

The conversation turns when Bill sees a friend return from Mexico after a medically supervised psychedelic-assisted treatment for PTSD and substance use. That friend looks different: sober, steadier, and more alive. Bill takes us through the questions Christians ask about mind-altering substances, the scriptures he wrestles with, and why “controlled treatment” isn’t the same thing as self-medicating. He also talks about spiritual preparation, prayer, and staying grounded in faith inside a space that often mixes New Age ceremony, breathwork, and alternative healing language.

From screening, EKGs, and medication restrictions to sweat lodges, ibogaine, and 5-MeO-DMT, Bill breaks down what the process actually looks like and what it cost him emotionally. He shares the trauma that surfaced, the way control kept showing up as the real battle, and the moment he felt God push him to stop hiding who he is. On the other side, he reports concrete changes: no suicidal ideation, better sleep, fewer intrusive images, less anger, and a renewed daily routine that protects his marriage and his mind.

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He went down for PTSD and came back with something more profound than peace. It's freedom. An encounter with God during mental health retreats changed everything.

After a night of vivid dreams showing his wife, he prayed for clarity. God revealed he was made of see-through drawers, empty from neck to waist. 'That's everything I removed from you,' God said. 'Fill it.' With what? 'Me.'