APRIL DELLER

"Hey Ma, you only got two subscribers..."

My daughter Cecelia, maybe 5 years old at the time, said this to me after I showed her "what Mommy used to do." After seeing a YouTube video of one of my song recordings from my INNOCENCE album, she looked at the subscriber count and basically said, compared to someone like Mr. Beast, I was basically non-existent. LOL. Talk about being humbled by your children.

This was during the global pandemic, when moms everywhere were getting a full taste of the stay-at-home experience, whether they had planned for it or not. And this phrase, uttered by my beautiful and increasingly opinionated daughter, released a brainstorm of thoughts and questions in my mind. How could I explain to my child that I used to do more than change diapers, give baths, cook endless rounds of meals, wash mountains of dishes and loads of laundry? That I used to dress in more than pajamas and sweatpants, that I used to venture farther than the backyard sandbox and the playground?

Becoming a Mom is a life change, very much wanted, but totally shocking in its all-consuming nature on a woman's body, energy, sleep, isolation, and time for anything else besides nurturing and keeping a newborn healthy and growing. Those babies require you... ALL of you.

One of Cecelia's favorite books at the time was "Ada Twist, Scientist." I related to the images of young Ada's "thinking wall" where she scientifically asked WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE and WHY questions about any problem she encountered. I asked the same questions of myself in my ever-changing identity as a woman and Mom. "Who am I? Who Was I? What do I want? What is my WHY?"

At the time, I had taken a "10 year hiatus" from creating music. I didn't see a way back to creating when I had two small children who needed ALL of me. I would still receive song inspirations from "the muse" as I called her, but I "gave her the busy tone" and squashed those desires, feeling a sense of guilt for wanting to record, or sing, or create. I was a Mom now. Right?

Slowly I began to see that taxing myself so much, giving and giving without refilling, would lead to me "pouring from an empty cup." My sanity would be compromised by hiding that creative, musical part of my identity--I had a real "Momma's mental crisis." When my children grow to adulthood and look back, they will not feel a sense of happiness if their mother self-sacrifices her creativity. I have instead decided my music can be a gift I share with my children, their childhood can be filled with musical memories we create together.

Thank you to PAN for collaborating on this song with me. She has contributed her own inspiring verse (which I will let her speak on in her own time) and she encouraged me when I felt a little unconfident with my rapping. I appreciate the growth and stretching my experience in a new musical genre. We are calling this our "MOM RAP!"

Thanks to Kieth Taylor Jr for constructing the beat for "What Is Her Why?" and to Ashley Ruelas Garcia for helping with chords and engineering in the studio. Thanks to STUDIO 117 YORK for help finishing up the song recording, mixing and mastering. Thanks to my daughter Cecelia recording her vocal part in the intro, reiterating the original impetus for this song: "Hey Ma, you only got two subscribers!"

“WHAT IS HER WHY?” by PAN and April Deller

Intro Voices:
OMG, like, what is she doing? Why? Like, seriously…can somebody explain this girl to me?
“Ma! You only got two subscribers”—“yeah, ma!” Who’s she trying to be?

Chorus:
Look at that master-dreamer, what is her why? (sung x4)

Verse 1: (Jasmine/PAN)
It boils down to my babies
For a minute I was losing it
I really felt crazy, locked myself in my room
Taking shots, chain-smoking, didn’t know what to do
I’m not the person I want to be and I gotta be to raise a baby
I gotta choose, Got a lot to improve, and I still got a lot of things I really wanna do
Between life and death, I can’t win, I can’t lose, in the end it’s bad news
I wanted both, but I chose, maybe an overdose
Maybe I can drown myself with this liquor
Maybe I can do something to make it quicker
Then, boom! Pregnant again, facing my mind, facing my sins
So, so sick of numb-numbing, within I can hear the drums drumming
Back into my singing and humming, lost in lyrics found in my music
Am I really going to do this? I think I can do this…

Pre-Chorus:
Who am I? Who was I? What do I want? What is my why? What is my Why?

Chorus Repeat:
Look at that master-dreamer, what is her why? (sung x4)

Verse 2 (April):
Coming back from a 10 year hiatus (welcome back!)
Keep asking myself, why do I do this? (why’d you come back?)
I got two kids, gotta think about logistics
How’m’I gonna fit this in my life?
Between myself and the kids, my man and the muse
How’m’I gonna keep ‘em all satisfied?
Gave her the busy tone, kept sending me more songs
She keeps telling me this is where I belong
Got all these ingredients, but nothing’s been cooking
Wonder if they think I do it all for attention
“Girl can’t stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen”
When it comes to kitchens, I’ve done my time
Washing mountains of dishes, kids want hugs, they want kisses
Sometimes Cinderella wishes they could lay off a missus
Need a moment please, a minute to think
Momma's mental crisis, like Ada Twist Scientist
So many burning questions, churning up in my brain:

Pre-Chorus:
Who am I? Who was I? What do I want? What is my why? What is my Why?

Bridge
This is what I do, I couldn't stop it if I tried
I keep rhyming my emotions up until the day I die
I think in poetry, hear in melody, see in symphonies
Of color and sound and harmony
A constant vibration of rhythm and beat

Chorus Repeat:
Look at that master-dreamer, what is her why? (sung x4)

Outro (spoken):
If you ask me what is my why
It's just what I do, this is my truth
It's what's happening inside
This is my why

https://youtu.be/BmewMekJH6M?si=3KVlDhvVHg1D4DQ7
OUT ON ALL PLATFORMS!!!
"What Is Her Why?" featuring PAN and April Deller 🎶
Story behind the song soon!

What Is Her Why? (feat. PAN) Provided to YouTube by CDBabyWhat Is Her Why? (feat. PAN) · April...

OUT ON ALL PLATFORMS!!!
"What Is Her Why?" featuring PAN and April Deller 🎶
Story behind the song soon!

The ladies have been cooking....New Music in the studio!🍳🔥🎧

PAN and April Deller collab "WHAT IS HER WHY?" out 8/31 on all platforms!

Photo: Winter 2025 at STUDIO 117 York, with AHSH (recording engineer), April Deller, and PAN

"Streams of Gold" was written by Luis Amaury Gomez, inspired by the traditional Japanese art of Kintsugi. Kintsugi pottery is famous for mending cracked pottery with a gold powder brushed over a tree sap laquer or glue. This process highlights the "cracks" with bright "streams of gold" running through the pottery, emphasizing and bringing beauty to brokenness, rather than hiding it. The pottery is often symbolic of human resilience,celebrating imperfections as part of our story of overcoming brokenness.

Luis Amaury Gomez is a childhood friend of my husband, and being introduced years ago, I was aware of his poetry and songwriting. With the advent of new music creation technology in the field of A.I., Luis has found a tool to put melodies and instrumentation behind his poetry and songs. Luis pitched the song "Streams of Gold" to me last summer (originally titled "Healing Glue") and I resonated with its theme of RESILIENCE, since the body of songs I am working on now all tell stories of people (not necessarily me), who have "been through something" and still manage to come out on the other side.

I recorded vocals for the song at STUDIO 117 in York, PA. My daughter Cecelia created a watercolor painting for the cover art, which I then edited in Canva, adding butterflies over a cracked desert foreground. I hope you enjoy the song and it helps you find beauty in your brokenness.

“Streams of Gold”

Written by Luis Amaury Gomez

Verse 1:
Scattered pieces on the floor
Trying to remember what they were before
Like a puzzle with missing parts
Til you came and knew where to start

Chorus:
You are the glue that mended my broken heart
Piece by piece, a brand new start
Like streams of gold in pottery art
You make the cracks the strongest part

Verse 2:
Thought I'd never feel whole again
Til your love seeped into every vein
Like a craftsman with gentle hands
You rebuilt what I couldn't understand

Chorus:
You are the glue that mended my broken heart
Piece by piece, a brand new start
Like streams of gold in pottery art
You make the cracks the strongest part

Bridge:
Sometimes breaking leads to beauty
When the Spirit comes to heal
Like morning light through stained glass windows
You made my fragments real

Chorus:
You are the glue that mended my broken heart
Piece by piece, a brand new start
Like streams of gold in pottery art
You make the cracks the strongest part