The Relationship Therapist

This may be hard to swallow, but reading books, watching YouTube videos, or listening to podcasts about marriage or relationships or couples is unlikely to create lasting improvement in your relationship.

Why?

Because your communication problems, feelings of disconnect, lack of security , etc. are rooted deeply in your unconscious mind and nervous system.

You aren't consciously aware of the internal forces at work for both of you in creating the repeating patterns in your relationship.

I know -- UGH!

I also know it's really hard to take that step of reaching out to a relationship expert for help.

But if you want lasting change, you need a third person in your relationship for awhile, someone trained and experienced in helping couples go deep with each other to understand the roots of behavior, attitudes, and communication patterns.

I am here when you are ready.

And I have many years of successfully helping couples navigate their distress and learn how to communicate better and create relationships that thrive -- especially couples who are entrepreneurs.

Link to schedule a free consultation is in the first comment.

We use attachment theory in PACT to lead partners towards secure functioning, not to “cure” them of their individual attachment styles.

Attachment is simply a memory-based system to organize oneself around dependency and protect against harm. There is nothing wrong with insecure attachment styles. Every attachment style is valid.

Understanding their attachment context allows us to predict and prevent problems. Partners who are experts on each other’s attachment style and history, can modify their memories and reduce the need to defend themselves from being hurt.

Essential if you want to bring the er0tic side of your relationship to life!

Eye contact is extremely stimulating and one of the quickest ways to get present with one another. When you sustain eye contact, you disconnect the parts of your brain that plan, predict, and overthink.

Don’t approach your fights like you’re litigating a case. Even when you disagree, you and your partner are on the same side. You win when your partner wins and vice versa.

Wave the flag of friendliness in your arguments. Use humor, aim for a win-win solution, and relieve your partner immediately if you notice you’ve hurt them.

Sustained eye contact is extremely stimulating and demands a lot of mental resources. When you gaze into each other’s eyes, you disconnect the parts of your brain that chatter, plan, predict, and overthink.

I’m not saying you have to do this all the time, but if you are able to, see if it’s possible to sustain eye contact with your partner as you make love.

What happens? Is it hard to think? It should be.

When you can no longer plan and predict, you’ll be able to stay in the present moment with your partner. Try this and see how it changes your experience of making love together.

LOVE can live long term only if you feel safe in your love relationship.

If you didn't grow up in a family where your parents were emotionally safe with each other, you probably don't have the skills to create a safe and secure love relationship.

This may be the most important concept and skill of all!

Your wife may not get along with your mother. Your husband may get insulted by your cousin every time you see them.

Your partner may be miserable at a rustic campsite or on a one-day trip to see everything possible in NYC.

As you plan your life, especially your precious leisure time, think about what stresses your partner and avoid stressors.

Protect each other from other humans, places, and things that you know hurt them or cause them distress.

What I am reading now: In Each Other's Care, by Stan Tatkin, my favorite mentor.

Sometimes it's hard for couples to feel like friends, especially when there is conflict or when daily life is just too damn busy.

I believe that if couples can remember to treat each other as friends in the worst of situations, they are designing a relationship that will weather the storms.

Anti-patriarchal marriage: Get creative and design a marriage that supports both of you in work, play, intimacy, child-rearing, everything.

One of the most important concepts I teach couples is “individuation.” People often expect their partner to think like them, feel like them, react like them. Want the same things, parent in the same way. It’s important to recognize and even cherish differences.

Order this!

Books Home Do you and your partner ever find yourselves revisiting the same heated argument? Playing out the same disagreement about money, parenting, s*x, or household chores. Few things are more frustrating and can leave you feeling disconnected from the person you want to feel closest to.

There is not a person alive who isn’t difficult, annoying, overbearing, needy, sensitive, burdensome, moody, and then some.

We’re all high-maintenance – you and me included.

If someone seems easy-going, it’s simply because you’re not close enough to see the full picture. We all do our best to tuck the less-appealing aspects of ourselves away so the general public cannot see them.

In close relationships, though, those qualities are on full display.

The Relationship Therapist updated their business hours.

Valentine's Day gift for you.

“I love you” on its own is nice but it’s more powerful when you’re specific. Love means something different to everyone. Get clear on what it means to you and what exactly you love about each other.

Here’s a great exercise to try this Valentine’s Day:

Sit across from your partner, gaze into each other’s eyes, and pretend they are from another planet. Make them understand what love is and what it isn’t. Describe the reasons why you love them. Don’t generalize or take shortcuts. Don’t say what you think they want to hear. Go into detail about all the reasons you love them, big or small.

Risk exposing your full self to your partner. Secure-functioning partners embrace each other exactly as they are. In general, if a relationship is so fragile it can’t withstand the messiness and flaws in each partner, it will crumble. It’s not easy to risk finding this out, but it’s worth finding this out early. 💞

Simply saying, “I’m sorry,” will not go far enough to put your partner at ease. What specifically are you sorry for? Naming it will make your partner feel heard and understood. They’ll be much more likely to feel like your apology is earnest when you are specific.

Think of your relationship as a 3-legged race.

If one of you tries to go somewhere without the other? You fall.
If one of you tried to go too fast without the other? You fall.
If you collaborate and move with each other? You win.