Therapy session

🍂:: And in the silence l suddenly understood the many ways a person can die but still be alive.

🍂:: Do you ever feel lonely? I mean, really lonely? No matter what you do, or who you’re with, you still feel it? Like you’re walking around, and you can feel the whole universe out there, this huge thing just going and going and going and everyone around you is just….knocking into everything and bruising everyone and themselves….and you just feel so lonely you could scream? TELL ME l’M NOT CRAZY. TELL ME YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

🍂:: It's hard to explain what I feel. I just know that somewhere inside my heart is aching, feeling lonely, and that I've been breaking down slowly and always want to stay silent and keep all my pain in me.
Because I'm afraid that they would only invalidate it and tell me that I am just being too emotional or dramatic. Sometimes when my feelings get too heavy, I just cry alone in my room and pretend that everything is going to be alright. I make myself alone even if there are some people out there who want to reach out. I'd rather keep all my pain to myself than ask for somebody to listen to me. Ijust feel like nothing willever/change if I ever tell them how badly hurt I am.
I will still remain hurting. I will still be sad even after I confess how miserable my days are.So I just sit with my pain alone and deal with it.

21h15

🍂:: l am so mentally & emotionally drained from holding all this s**t in. Acting like life is sweet when I got so much deep s**t going on

🍂:: If you would ask me how I am, I'd say I'm fine. But the truth is, idk how I feel I feel numb, empty but on the other hand I feel too much. Too much pain, too much incentives. Just lost. I'm lost. I don’t know who I am or what l'm doing. I'm not living for me anymore, I'm surviving to not fail others around me and it feels lonely. I'm lonely.

🍂:: Nobody knows how many times l've sat in my room and cried, how many times l've lost hope, how many times l've had to hold back tears. Sometimes the strongest people are the ones who cry behind closed doors and fight battles that nobody knows about.

🍂::Do you really wanna know how l feel? Fine, l will tell you.

Every day I wake up having to face the same demon that im trying to escape from and it's so tiring because I thought things would get better but it never did. I just wish I was born to be happy like the others. I feel so empty and lonely. There are times where I lay in bed staring at the ceiling thinking why don't I deserve any exciting moments in life? And there are also times where I wish I was dead, so that the pain inside me would stop. But I never tried ending my life because another side of me is worried about you guy's feelings when I'm gone. even if you're the problem of all of it. So I'd rather live with this pain inside me that you're causing. I'm so tired of lying to myself that it's okay to feel this way. The truth is, I am no longer living, I'm just surviving and trying to find a way not to feel so fu**ed up. I'm dying inside and I wish you could've noticed it.Everyday I convince myself that it's going to be okay, I'm going to be okay.
Even though i know it will never be.

🍂::𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞'𝐬 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐬 𝐬𝐨 𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲.

🍂::𝐏𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐬𝐞 𝐟𝐮𝐜𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐞𝐬. 𝐈𝐭'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐡𝐮𝐫𝐭, 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰? 𝐈𝐭'𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮'𝐫𝐞 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮.

🍂::“I don’t know what I feel right now, I just feel empty, that’s all.”

🍂::𝐒𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐬, 𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬 𝐭𝐡at 𝐦𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐧, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐬𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐞𝐬 𝐰𝐞 𝐩𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐧 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐝𝐚𝐲. 𝐈'𝐦 𝐬𝐨 𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐞d 𝐨𝐟 𝐚𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐥'𝐦 𝐨𝐤𝐚𝐲, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐬𝐨 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐫𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐥 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐭𝐨 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐬𝐞 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐜𝐚𝐧'𝐭 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐞. 𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐥 𝐬𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝐥 𝐰𝐨𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐢𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐬𝐞𝐞 𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐟𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐬𝐞𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐦𝐲 𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐞𝐲𝐞𝐬 𝐨𝐫 𝐥'𝐯𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐚 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐚𝐭 𝐚𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐰𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐠𝐮𝐢𝐬𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐜𝐚u𝐬𝐞 𝐥'𝐦 𝐡𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐥 𝐭𝐫𝐲 𝐦𝐲 𝐛𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐢𝐭

🍂::𝐄𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐠𝐨 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐭𝐨 𝐧𝐨𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐥. 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐥𝐞𝐞𝐩 𝐚𝐭 𝐧𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭. 𝐈 𝐝𝐢𝐝𝐧'𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐞𝐦𝐩𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬. 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐬𝐧'𝐭 𝐬𝐚𝐝 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞. 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐲 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞. 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐲. 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐞, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐰𝐞 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐠𝐚𝐢𝐧.