Living with Honor

I had a moment this evening. Ellen was selecting some pictures to replace others we had displayed in our home for a while. She decided to use the one in this post and asked what I thought. Before I could say a word, pools of water gathered in my eyes and the warm liquid began to trickle down my cheeks.

Mom died November 6, 2021, somewhat unexpectedly. I was a pastor for 21 years and a hospice chaplain for 7. I am well acquainted with grief and helping others navigate through the experience of losing a loved one. I led grief groups for adults and camps for children who lost someone important to them. One of the truths I would share with people experiencing grief was you never know when your emotions will rise up and express a deep feeling.

This photo triggered that response, especially, when Ellen stated, "They look so proud of you!" Even as I write that sentence, I feel hot tears collecting in my eyes. Mom was my greatest supporter through all my successes and failures. She shared truth with me that I did not want to hear. Sometimes that truth was very encouraging and positive but I couldn't accept it because of my own dysfunction. She told me what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear.

She had Alzheimer's Disease so I was grieving loss for a few years. This was the last time I saw her. I miss her wisdom. I miss her insight. I miss her hugs.

Keep in mind, grief hits when you don't expect it.

Ellen and I plan to do this for our kids!😳😂

I am rapidly approaching 60 years of age and 9 years into a second marriage, but I am still learning to love. I hear love is a word that is overused but under lived. I admit I overuse the word. I say things like, “I love spicey snacks!” “I love reading.” “I love a challenge (most of the time).” “I love the Caribbean!” “I love my kids!” “I love my wife.” I would have difficulty explaining the different nuances to a person who was just beginning to learn English.
Most of the time when we use the word love we are describing a feeling toward something or someone. But I think we have a misguided understanding. I am learning love is not a feeling I have for something or someone, but a choice I make. Over the years I developed a taste for savory foods, and I get satisfaction out of the sound and feel of crunchy edibles. So, I choose to make these foods a part of my diet. I get enjoyment from stories that stimulate my imagination, so I choose to read. I receive fulfillment when faced with a difficult problem and working toward a solution. As a result, I don’t shy away from hard projects. Warmth, the sound of the ocean, the salt air, and the breeze relax me. So, I will choose a beach vacation over a museum trip 100% of the time. You can see from my examples that I make choices based on the things I say I “love.” But can you also see another common element in the snacks, reading, challenges, and Caribbean? The choices are all based on how the object brings pleasure to my senses and ego. Therefore, I don’t think I can say I love those things. What I can say is I choose to do things that bring myself pleasure.
When you add a person or people to the statement, “I love ___ ,” the results get complicated. I love my kids. If I am describing a feeling I have toward my kids, what is that feeling? Affection? Warm fuzzies? We must be careful because honest parents know they don’t feel that way about their kids sometimes, even for seasons of time. I’m confident the feeling is mutual. Does that mean we don’t love our kids? I think I hear a resounding rhetorical, “NO!” So, love is not a feeling. Love is something a whole lot more.
In the realm of romance, we use a phrase like “fall in love.” What do we mean when we say we have fallen in love with someone? Falls are usually accidents outside of our control. How many of us choose to fall on the ice, down the stairs, or in the shower? Is love between people a passive thing that just happens because pheromones were released and there was a strong physical attraction? What is the difference between what was just described and lust? What happens when pheromones dissipate or the attraction wanes? Some are convinced they have fallen out of love and proclaim they don’t love the person anymore. That proclamation is true if love is a feeling.
All around us we see models of love that reveal love is not a feeling. The first responder who seeks to rescue the addict who destroyed a family and now his/her life lies in the balance of destruction from taking too much. The military person who sacrifices his/her life so a citizen can slander his/her beloved country. The mental health worker who receives verbal abuse day after day but patiently tries to help the patient work through their issues. The single parent who puts her/his pursuits on hold to ensure they are at their best for the kids entrusted to them.
The Emergency Medical Technician, the Marine, the Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, and the sole guardian of a household made a rational decision that makes no sense to the person who only lives for themselves.
Love is a choice we make to lay aside resources, privileges, rights, and comforts for what is best for someone else. The laying aside can get complicated because even the practice of laying aside can be more about our own interests than the interests of another. We might “lay aside” to appease our own guilt, to manipulate, to control, to endear others to us, to enable another to be dysfunctional so we can keep our dysfunction, or to feel better about ourselves. That kind of love is not love at all but a more complicated and less obvious form of selfishness.
Pure love with pure motives is hard. But let’s embrace the challenge and choose to love, even when it feels like it is impossible.

Forty years ago, in the late evening in a Marriot Hotel, I wrote the following in the cover of my Bible:

Dear Lord,
This is a contract between You and me. I asked you to come into my life in March of 1969, but on this day, December 30, 1982, Chicago, Illinois, I give all my rights to Jesus Christ my Lord.
Timothy J. Ruesch

The Marriot was downtown Chicago on Michigan Avenue. Early the next evening, New Year’s Eve, I walked down Michigan Avenue reflecting on the wealth I observed. I took a few turns between buildings and crossed the Chicago River. I was enthralled by the preparations taking place for the celebration to take place later but also discovered why Chicago is called the “Windy City.” As I walked, I felt like I had to lean forward at a 45-degree angle to keep from being blown away. The only other time I experienced wind like that was two years later in Galveston, Texas during hurricane Alicia. None of these experiences could distract me from the decision made the night before.
I was 19 years old with 2000 other college students at a conference sponsored by Campus Crusade for Christ. Bill Bright, the founder of the organization spoke the evening of the 30th. Dr. Bright is not the most persuasive dynamic speaker. Other speakers at the conference were much more engaging. When we walked into the ballroom where Dr. Bright was going to speak, two large weather worn crosses were standing in the two main isles about halfway up to the main stage. All were curious as to what the crosses were there for. Dr. Bright’s message was simple but challenging. He issued a challenge. Come to the cross, kneel, and write a contract between you and God. The phrase that latched on to my heart was, “I give all my rights…” The decision for me was not emotional. The decision was a consequence of His love for me and my love for Him. He did for me what I could not possibly do for myself. I gladly surrendered my rights to Him.
Surrendering rights is hard for anyone to do in our culture. I can’t say that once I made this contract, God gave me a comfortable life. He didn’t. I made foolish decisions. I made difficult decisions that were not understood but they were the right decisions. Even though the decision to surrender my rights caused great turmoil in my life. I do not regret it for one moment because it also brought me greater understanding of God and myself, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Bentley got a monkey for Christmas! Whoever makes these dog toys must not own a dog. The tail was chewed of in 30 minutes and the shoulder ripped apart within an hour!😳

Or traditional Thanksgiving hike!

“A happiness that is sought for ourselves alone can never be found: for a happiness that is diminished by being shared is not big enough to make us happy.” Thomas Merton - No Man Is an Island 1955

I recently asked a group of people what their favorite things are about Thanksgiving. People gushed about gathering with friends and family. Then I asked if anyone had some painful memories of Thanksgiving. All of us were able to share the difficulties the holiday can often bring. Yet we romanticize the holidays. Why?

As a United States Citizen we have the constitutional right to pursue happiness. The writers of the consititution did not tell us how to pursue happiness. We are left to figure that out for ourselves. We live in a culture that adopted the slogan, “Whatever makes you happy.” Have you considered that what you think will make you happy will never get you there?

The man pictured is Thomas Merton. He looks happy. I think he found happiness.

Perhaps we can be happy this Holiday Season no matter what the circumstances because we are not seeking it for ourselves. We gather with people, some of whom we wish we did’t ever have to see again because of the pain they caused and continue to cause us but instead of shunning them we still show respect. Maybe we need to extend forgiveness to someone who doesn’t deserve it but keep some boundaries for their benefit to prevent further enablement. Perhaps we need to shed the anxiety of what others think of us (my job, my decorations, my gifts, my coooking, my house, my kids, etc.,) and unconditionally accept them.

I am learning but also struggling with what I think will make me happy but in reality brings emptiness and disappointment.

One year ago today mom died (center). I thought you might enjoy this picture of her Dad, Mom, and brothers. I’m missing her tons and want to get her ideas and wisdom. I want to hear her wisdom. I want to hear her laugh. Someday I will. But for now I will have to wait!

Tj and I ran the steps today on his birthday and he kicked my butt!

What does one do when visiting the Hollywood Bowl?
Run the steps!😳🥵 Tj used to work here and would run the steps to clean up. He got to see Steven Spielberg in the tunnel - carport!👍

One cannot go wrong looking to the cross!