First Steps Postpartum Care

What does GRIEF look like in children? …and how do we, as parents, support it?

“We’re taught how to acquire things, not what to do when we lose them.”
The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James and Russell Friedman

This quote struck me because it’s true. Many of us didn't have a model for loss. As parents, and caregivers, how can we help our children accept and move through grief?

We have heard it said that grieving people want to be heard and not fixed.

What does that look like in a young child and what is grief to a child?

Separation from a parent, even if it’s just to go into the next room, is the first loss most children feel. This is a tough one for many toddlers and such a good opportunity for us as care givers to practice.

Many of us have been conditioned to use the distraction method with children and divert their attention away from their feelings. But what if instead, we acknowledged the event and gave words to it? This gives young children context for their feelings and words to describe them. Instead of being taught to hide or distract themselves from feeling sadness and grief, we can help them walk through it.

What would this look like with a baby or toddler? Here's an example based on a parent leaving for work. Say things like Daddy left for work, you didn’t want him to go. He’s coming back. You’re sad. Do you want a hug? Do you want me to hold you?

Other examples of loss in early childhood (beyond the big obvious ones) -
The changes in family dynamics when a sibling is born
A move
Loss of a pet

“If you’ve been living with situational factors that affect executive functioning like trauma, grief, chronic stress, or sleep deprivation, you may also be experiencing issues with task initiation…”

“How to keep House While Drowning” gives realistic actionable solutions on how to face household tasks without guilt or shame and without the push for everything to be aesthetically perfect and Pinterest worthy. If you’re living in the real world of postpartum and parenting, this book is worth your time.

“Mary’s experience and know-how has made navigating the first few months of motherhood so much easier. Having healthy and delicious snacks ready to go during my first couple of weeks of recovery took one thing off my plate while I was learning to breastfeed, manage diaper rashes, sleepless nights, grocery shopping for the first time with a baby, and focus on healing myself. She was also able to help me navigate my transition back to work and provide tips with managing the 4 month sleep regression, teething, and starting solids. Mary’s expertise has been invaluable as a new mom and I would without a doubt recommend her to any new Mom, or Mom looking for an extra set of hands managing multiple littles.” - Carla

This dedicated Mom made great use of the sessions she had with me!

Besides my initial visit during her immediate postpartum, I accompanied her on her first solo grocery store shop with baby, she used me as a reference for information about baby led weaning, finding baby carriers that fit petite Moms, solutions for diaper rash, and many other topics.

She smartly saved her last session for the week before her return to work, using me to help stock her freezer and take over infant care while doing some of her own back-to-work prep.

I enjoyed our time together and as our sessions were spread over a few months, I was able to watch both her and her daughter grow!

What if we took a new mother’s worries and carried them in our baskets home?
- Megan Limon, postpartum doula

What a privilege to sit with new mothers (parents) and hold their worries in my heart.

There’s a saying that “a burden shared is a burden halved”. How true that is. I can see the relief in the faces of mothers as they put their worries into words and talk them through with me.

It gives ME peace to leave them relieved, more at rest and more in-tune with their intuition.

“A nice bedtime habit to start with our child is to recapture the day.

You can say, for example, ‘Today we went for a walk and it rained. We came home and had lunch, etc.’ What we think is unimportant is important to a child - what she ate, where she was, and who she saw.

Recapturing the day is a way of giving her security. She then carries the good feeling of the day into bed with her.

You can also mention what will happen tomorrow. This connects the past, the present and the future and gives her life a connected flow..”

Magda Ge**er, Your Self-Confident Baby

Start building your postpartum dream team early!

Early motherhood is like a fog. Everyday life vanishes in the mist and the busyness of the outside world fades away.

The fog allows you to focus on one single object with clarity.

This fog is caused by hormonal shifts in our brain that allow us to focus deeply on a newborn.

Instead of looking at it through a negative lens, let's reframe our thoughts to acknowledge the amazing transformation our body and brain is going through in support of growing and nurturing a human.

Sometimes it’s hard to look at a tiny infant and realize this little baby is an actual person with likes, dislikes, reactions, and a personality.

Many don’t see beyond “baby” until their child is walking and talking and can better communicate their likes and dislikes. But babies are already fully formed humans with preferences and fears and it helps to think about treating them the way we would want to be treated. They deserve the same level of human respect we give to adults.

How does this translate to a baby?

Tell the baby what’s going on. In other words, narrate your day together, warn them that you’re going to pick them up, change them, feed them, wash them. Let them know what’s about to happen and keep a calm steady commentary as you go through the day. Babies understand much earlier than we might believe and they will communicate earlier if we give them the chance.

Hear them, don’t just fix them. You don’t need to pacify or shush every cry. Sometimes babies need to cry to release energy and it’s comforting to be held and listened to. If you can stay calm while your baby is crying, many will cry themselves out within minutes. (obviously make sure they are ok first, check that they are not wet, cold,hot, hungry) Crying is the only way babies have to release energy. Usually when I encounter a baby that cries “for no reason” they later turn out to be a very active toddler. If you can, stay calm and sit in their crying season with them. (Wearing noise canceling headphones will help a parent stay calm.) Staying with them through tears is also a great trust builder, showing your infant that you can take their big feelings.


Give them space to initiate and interact with themselves and the world on their own. Give babies space to move their body and have uninterrupted thoughts and daydreams. They need time to stare at their hands and figure out how they work, or watch the leaves in the trees outside the window. If your baby is lying on the floor or in their crib happily looking at their fingers, now is not the time to swoop them up and change their diaper. Give them that uninterrupted time with their own thoughts.

I’ve had two friends send me this, felt too good not to share.

The News is really heavy today. If you are a new parent *already* feeling overwhelmed or fragile, we strongly recommend a media break. You can be well-informed next month. Engage defensive driving with your mental health for right now.
In order to give birth we have to take our armor off, ideally the armor doesn't go back on for at least 6 to 12 weeks, in that time we need to put a bubble around ourselves like when a lobster molts its hard shell and hides until its new shell hardens up a bit.