The Gottman Institute

“You can’t love someone else until you love yourself first” is advice people hear all the time. But relationships are often much more nuanced than that.
Many people struggle with insecurity or self-worth and still deeply love their partner. Loving someone else is not reserved only for people who feel perfectly confident in themselves.
What we often see in healthy relationships is that consistent love, care, affection, and emotional safety can slowly help someone begin to see themselves differently too. Not instantly. But over time.
A partner’s love can sometimes help soften the harsh story a person has carried about themselves for years.
Watch the full “30 Questions with Dr. John and Dr. Julie Gottman” conversation here: https://bit.ly/4wuS9Om

Modern relationship advice can be helpful, confusing, validating, and occasionally harmful all at the same time.
One of the challenges with online relationship advice is that it often presents complex relationships as simple formulas:
“Never tolerate this.”
“Always do that.”
“If they loved you, they would…”
But healthy relationships rarely work in absolutes.
Dr. Julie Gottman explains that relationships become unhealthy when people abandon their own feelings, needs, or boundaries entirely for the sake of pleasing a partner. At the same time, healthy relationships also require compromise, emotional awareness, and consideration for one another.
That balance matters.
Research-based relationship advice focuses less on rigid rules and more on understanding the patterns and behaviors that help couples build trust, connection, and mutual respect over time.
Not every viral opinion translates well into real life relationships. 💙

What if one of the biggest misunderstandings about love is that we think it’s mainly about being loved… instead of loving?
In this clip, Dr. John Gottman shares why love is less about what we receive and more about our willingness to open our hearts and give.
“When you have that opportunity to give love, it’s just magnificent.”
He also shares a deeply personal story about the first time he saw his daughter and how that moment shaped his understanding of love for the last 36 years.
Watch the full video from 30 Questions with Dr. John and Julie Gottman here: https://bit.ly/4wuS9Om

For the first time in over 7 years, Dr. John and Dr. Julie Gottman are personally leading The Art and Science of Love workshop together.
This special two-day workshop combines decades of research with practical tools couples can use to strengthen friendship, deepen intimacy, and navigate conflict in healthier ways together.
If you’ve ever wanted to learn directly from John and Julie themselves, this is a rare opportunity.
Learn more and register here: https://bit.ly/4uAQBjW

These tools are intended for relationships where both partners are willing to participate in growth, accountability, and repair.
One partner feels exhausted from always bringing things up.

The other feels exhausted from feeling like nothing they do is enough.

The more each person reacts from that place, the more stuck the cycle becomes.

According to Dr. John and Dr. Julie Gottman’s research, the way a conversation begins matters. A softened startup isn’t about avoiding hard truths or minimizing concerns. It’s about creating the conditions where both people are more likely to stay engaged and hear each other.

Understanding the pattern doesn’t excuse either person’s behavior or remove accountability. But when couples can recognize the cycle they’re caught in, it becomes easier to work together against the pattern instead of against each other.

Not:

“You never listen.”

But:

“I want us to work on this together.”

The goal isn’t to win the conversation. It’s to understand each other well enough to move forward. 💙

Credit to via Instagram for the original video and thoughtful perspective.

A lot of people assume constant fighting is the biggest threat to a relationship. But emotional distance can sometimes be even more damaging.
Conflict is inevitable in relationships. According to Gottman research, the goal of conflict isn’t to “win,” it’s to better understand each other.
When couples stop trying to understand one another and start emotionally withdrawing instead, that’s often when relationships begin to feel lonely and disconnected.
We shared a blog on the signs of emotional disconnection and how couples can begin rebuilding emotional intimacy. Read here: https://bit.ly/4dupiBa