Dustin Sims

A couple years ago I got arrested in Muldrow, Oklahoma and now they’re inviting me back. I don’t know if this is a redemption arc or trauma bonding, but I’m toxic so who gives a f**k.

Got pulled over in Muldrow. Cop says my license is suspended. I hit him with the classic WHAT? like I hadn’t definitely known that for six months. Most states give you a ticket. Oklahoma said get in the car. He tells me they got 24-hour court and if I pay the fine I can still make my show. I’m like hell yeah, jail me up, let’s ride. Then he’s like we gotta tow your truck. I’m like don’t tow it. He’s like we have to. I’m like I’ll leave a note on a napkin that says I got this. Apparently that wasn’t legally binding.

Then he asks if there’s anything in the truck he needs to know about and I said I mean… I got a little w**d under the seat. He asked how much and I said depends on where you’re at in your heart. Spoiler alert, it was a little over an ounce and his heart was NOT with us.

Next thing I know I got four charges. They cuff me in the front because apparently I wasn’t a threat, which honestly felt disrespectful. They take me to jail, which was less of a jail and more like a garden shed with a fax machine. They took my mugshot in front of a doorframe marked with Sharpie like they were tracking my growth spurt.

It was $2,500 to bond out. I said am I buying the whole damn town or just the gravel roads? I don’t know what they do with that money, but the roads felt like the Oregon Trail. I got scoliosis and we lost three oxen.

And who bails me out? Jesse. The LAST person you want getting you out of jail. This du***ss immediately goes live in the parking lot. Bro, I was in there 12 minutes. He’s interviewing me like it’s Dateline.

Then the tow yard tried to charge me a $60 gate fee. The gate was two rusty pipes welded to a wheelbarrow. I asked if I was BUYING the gate. He only opened one side too. I’m like that just makes it $30, right?

Anyway, June 20th I’ll be in Salisaw Oklahoma and this time I’M doing the cavity search. DustinSimsComedy.com

I got OWA in Foley, AL on June 26.

I got SideSplitters in Tampa on June 28.

I got a big ol’ hole in my schedule on June 27.

Where the hell should I do a show?

Panama City Beach?
Gainesville?
Tallahassee?
Crystal River?
Homosassa?
Some random town I’ve never heard of?

If you own a venue or know somebody that does, tag em or shoot me a DM.

Let’s do something stupid.

It’s my birthday today. I woke up and was reminded by Dana and the kids that I turned 35. I genuinely thought I was turning 32 again. This is the third year in a row. Not like women lying about their age either. I legitimately think my brain stopped processing time around the first stimulus check. To be fair I never thought I’d make it this far. Wish I had something prepared. Not like a speech… but life plans. Retirement. Health insurance. A f**kin vegetable maybe. Thought by 35 I’d at least own a grill and know how taxes work. But nah. Still out here rawdogging the f**k outta adulthood like some group project I forgot we had.

Anyway all I want for my birthday (nobody asked) is for you degenerate mother f**kers to join my group chat. I’m not gonna spam you or send wiener pics. Unless the economy gets worse.

It’s mostly so I can see where everybody’s from and know where I should book shows.

Text “DUSTY” to (201) 940-1646

Worst case scenario you get occasional show updates, discounted merch, free tickets sometimes, and unhinged late night thoughts that make you feel better about your own life.

Looking for a venue in Pittsburgh for comedy show July 10th. Bar, VFW, bowling alley or strip club idgaf. If you own it or produce shows at it DM me.