Josh Rojas Foundation

Yes. For me, the days leading up to a special day/milestone are often worse than the actual sad special day itself. Feelings of dread and anxiety just add to the build up.

Then, in the days following, I am emotionally exhausted from all of the build up.

Hugs to all of you! ❤️💔

THE DAY AFTER…
When the Day is Over, But the Grief Remains

The day after Father’s Day.

The day after Mother’s Day.

The day after a child’s birthday.

The day after an angelversary.

The day after a holiday that once brought excitement, anticipation, and celebration.

Now, for many bereaved parents, these dates can become melancholy days… days we simply try to get through.

The world often sees the holiday itself, but what they don’t see are the days leading up to and after.

Sometimes those days are actually harder than the day itself.

The anticipation.

The dread.

The anxiety.

The mental preparation.

The memories.

The pressure of trying to decide whether to celebrate, avoid, participate, or retreat.

Then the day arrives.

And then…

The day after comes.

The day after can look different for everyone.

For some, it may bring relief.

“We made it through.”

For others, it can feel deflating, as if all the energy it took to survive the day has suddenly disappeared.

For some, it may bring a flood of tears.

For others, numbness.

And for some, it may simply bring exhaustion.

I remember in the beginning that these days often kept me in bed for days afterward.

There were days I stayed home in my pajamas.

Days I didn’t want to answer the phone.

Days I didn’t want to make decisions.

Days I simply sat holding my Bible.

Days I listened to calming music or worship music.

Days when little productivity was accomplished.

And over time, I learned something important:

Rest is not laziness. Rest is self-care.

Bereaved parents expend enormous emotional energy navigating these milestone days.

Our hearts are carrying both love and loss at the same time.

That is hard work.

Sometimes the healthiest thing we can do is to give ourselves permission to rest without guilt.

To follow our hearts.

Listen to our bodies.

To turn off the expectations.

To put away the to-do list.

To say no.

To be quiet.

To cry.

To remember.

To simply be.

Because healthy healing does not mean pushing through.

Healthy healing means listening to ourselves.

Unfortunately, most Bereaved parents don’t have this time to process. The day after means putting emotions into a tidy little bag and going out to face the world.

They have jobs.

They have children to take to school.

The world may expect us to bounce back the next day.

But grief does not operate on a calendar.

And there is no timetable for love.

I want every bereaved parent reading this to know something:

Whatever your reaction is, it is normal.

If you felt relief… that’s normal.

If you felt exhausted… that’s normal.

If you felt numb… that’s normal.

If you stayed in bed… that’s normal.

If you cried all day… that’s normal.

If you smiled and then cried later… that’s normal.

If you did absolutely nothing… that’s normal.

Your heart is teaching you what it needs.

Listen to it.

Follow it.

Because learning to carry love and loss together means learning to trust ourselves again.

Perhaps the greatest act of self-compassion we can offer ourselves is this:

To stop judging our grief and start honoring it.

Today, if all you can do is rest, then rest.

If all you can do is breathe, then breathe.

If all you can do is hold your Bible, then hold your Bible.

If all you can do is sit quietly and remember your child, then that is enough.

One day at a time.

One holiday at a time.

One breath at a time.

And one day after at a time.

Give yourself permission to follow your heart. That is not weakness. That is healthy healing.

Dr. Cali Anderson
Bereaved Mother
Bereaved Parent Advocate
Grief Educator
Founder, Grief Bridge 💜

Keeping all bereaved fathers close in our hearts today.❤️💔

TO THE FATHERS WHO CARRY
LOVE AND LOSS TODAY

Today, on Father’s Day,
I want every bereaved father to know…

I see you.

I know the yearning.

I know the ache.

I know the pain of not having your child physically beside you today.

I know there is an empty space that no one else can fill.

My prayer for you today is that gentle memories will find their way into your heart, your mind, and perhaps even bring a smile to your face.

I pray that gratitude will quietly settle into your soul for the precious gift of having loved your child and for the beautiful love your child brought into your life.

I pray that love will carry you through today.
And although sorrow may weave its way in and out of these memories, I pray that peace will gently weave its way in too.

Your love is eternal.

You always will be your child’s father.

Your child matters.

Your love for your child matters.

And today, we honor both.

May God wrap His arms around you, strengthen your weary heart, and remind you that a father’s love never dies.

With love,
❤️ Dr. Cali
Bereaved Mother
Bereaved Parents Advocate
Grief Educator
Founder, Grief Bridge

Yes.❤️

THE FATHER-CHILD RELATIONSHIP NEVER ENDS

Education & Validation

One of the ways bereaved fathers continue their relationship with their child is through Continuing Bonds.

To someone who has never experienced the death of a child, some of these actions may seem unusual. But research tells us something different.

In 1996, researchers Dennis Klass, Phyllis Silverman, and Steven Nickman introduced the Continuing Bonds Theory, which found that maintaining an ongoing connection with a deceased loved one is not only normal, but a healthy and necessary part of grief work.

For bereaved fathers, these bonds may look different than they once did.

Instead of spending a day with his son at the ballpark, he may spend a day tidying up his son’s resting place.

Instead of planning a birthday party with his wife, he may help decorate his child’s resting site with balloons, flowers, favorite colors, or meaningful mementos.

Instead of attending his child’s sporting event, he may attend a game in their honor.

Instead of taking a family vacation, he may visit a lake, park, beach, or special place his child loved.

Instead of making memories with his child, he may intentionally create memories because of his child.

He may volunteer for a cause that was important to his child.

He may establish a scholarship.

He may wear his child’s favorite color.

He may listen to their favorite songs.

He may cook their favorite meal.

He may eat at their favorite restaurant.

He may quietly talk to his child while driving down the road.

He may tell stories about his child to his grandchildren or surviving children.

These are not signs that he is stuck in his grief.

These are signs that he is still a father.

The relationship did not end.

It changed.

The love did not die.

It simply found a new expression.

Continuing Bonds gives bereaved fathers permission to continue loving, remembering, and honoring their child without apology.

Because healthy grief is not found in forgetting.

It is found in remembering.

And perhaps one of the most important things the world can understand is this:

A bereaved father is not trying to hold on to the past.

He is learning how to carry his child forward into the future.

❤️

Dr. Cali
Bereaved Mother
Bereaved Parents Advocate
Continuing Bonds Advocate
Grief Educator
Founder, Grief Bridge

💯

WHO TAKES CARE OF DAD?

Grief Education and Validation

As a society, when a child dies, we naturally rally around Mom.

And rightfully so.

But sometimes, in our desire to care for a grieving mother, we unintentionally forget there is a grieving father standing beside her.

Dad can become invisible.

People may assume he is okay because he isn’t talking.

But Dad needs support too.

Not because he is incapable.

Not because he is weak.

But because he is human.

The death of a child is simply too heavy for anyone to carry alone.

So this is my gentle reminder to the world:

Check on Dad too.

Ask him about his child.

Invite him to tell a story.

Listen without trying to fix anything.

Sometimes the greatest gift we can offer a bereaved father is not advice, but our presence.

Please don’t assume he is okay because he is quiet.

Please don’t assume he wants to be left alone.
Sure some dad’s may not be ready to talk or want to be left alone but choose to error on the side of compassion.

Please don’t assume he will ask for help if he needs it.

Many fathers won’t.

Not because they don’t need support, but because they have spent a lifetime being the one others depend on.

Behind the quiet exterior may be a father who desperately misses his child.

A father carrying unimaginable pain.

A father who would love for someone to simply acknowledge that his child existed.

A simple text message.

A phone call.

An invitation to grab coffee.

A conversation where his child is remembered.

These small acts can mean more than you know.

One of the greatest gifts we can give a bereaved father is permission to continue being a father.

Because his child is still part of his life story.

He still has memories to share.

He still has stories to tell.

He still has a father’s heart that longs to be acknowledged.

So don’t be afraid to say his child’s name.

You are not reminding him of his pain.

You are reminding him that you remembered and that his child mattered.

And perhaps most importantly, you are reminding him that he is not carrying this burden alone.

“Two are better than one… If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.”
~ Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

To every bereaved father reading this:

You do not have to carry every burden by yourself.

You deserve support.

You deserve a safe place to rest your weary heart.

Because even the strongest shoulders grow weary.

Even the strongest hearts grow tired.

Strong people need support too.

And when you support Dad, you are strengthening the entire family.

❤️
Dr. Cali
Bereaved Mother
Bereaved Parents Advocate
Grief Educator
Founder, Grief Bridge

💔❤️

WHEN A FATHER CAN’T FIX THE UNFIXABLE

Grief Education & Validation

There is a wound many bereaved fathers carry that is difficult to put into words.

Helplessness.

Fathers spend their entire lives protecting the people they love.

From the moment their child is born, something awakens inside of them.

An instinct.

A calling.

A God-given desire to protect, guide, and keep their child safe.

And then the unimaginable happens.

The one thing they never thought could happen…

Happens.

And suddenly they are faced with something they cannot change, undo, or fix.

For many fathers, this becomes one of the deepest heartbreaks they will ever carry.

The questions can become relentless.

Could I have done something differently?

What if I had called them one more time?

What if I had left earlier?

What if I had noticed something sooner?

What if I had said something different?

Even when there are no answers…

The mind continues searching.

Unending questions that relentlessly torture themselves because a father’s heart is desperately trying to make sense of something that will never make sense.

Many fathers quietly carry guilt that was never theirs to carry.

They replay moments.

They revisit conversations.

They retrace steps.

They search for reasons.

Because doing something often feels easier than accepting there was nothing they could have done.

But sometimes there was nothing to fix.

Sometimes there was nothing to prevent.

Sometimes tragedy simply entered their lives uninvited.

And that is a painful truth to accept.

To the bereaved fathers reading this…

The death of your child was not a measure of your love.

It was not a measure of your devotion.

And it was not a measure of your ability to be a good father.

You love your child.

You did the best you could with the information and circumstances you had at the time.

Your child’s life was never defined by one moment.

It was defined by a lifetime of love.

Please be gentle with yourself.

The father inside of you is still trying to protect the child he loves.

That instinct never goes away.

The love never goes away.

It simply has nowhere to land.

And perhaps that is why the ache remains.

Because a father’s love was never meant to end.

❤️

Dr. Cali
Bereaved Mother
Bereaved Parents Advocate
Grief Educator
Founder, Grief Bridge

❤️💔

HE GOES TO WORK WITH A BROKEN HEART
Education & Validation

One of the hardest things many bereaved fathers have to do after the death of a child is return to work.

You see life doesn’t stop after the death of a precious child.

The mortgage still has to be paid.

The lights still have to stay on.

The family still depends on him.

So he gets up.

He gets dressed.

He grabs his keys.

And he goes to work carrying a burden few people can see.

His body may be at work…

But his mind and heart are somewhere else.

His thoughts may drift to memories of his child.

He may wonder what his child would be doing today.

He may replay moments he wishes he could relive one more time.

He may stare at a computer screen and realize he has no idea what he just read.

He may sit through meetings that seem like eternity while trying to simply make it through the next hour.

He may smile at coworkers while carrying immense sadness inside.

He may even feel guilty for smiling.

And then he may feel guilty for not being productive.

Because grief is exhausting.

The mind is tired.
The body is tired.
The heart is tired.
Yet he keeps showing up.

Not because he is unaffected.

But because his family still depends on him.

There is a tremendous pressure many fathers place upon themselves to keep life moving forward, even when their own world has come to a complete stop. And that can be incredibly lonely.

What many people don’t realize is that he isn’t just going to work…

He is learning how to survive while carrying one of life’s heaviest burdens.

He is trying to be an employee while being a grieving father.

He is trying to be a provider while carrying heartbreak.

He is trying to be present for his family while his own heart is shattered.

He is carrying responsibilities on his shoulders and heartbreak in his heart.

So if you know a bereaved father, remember this:

Don’t mistake his perseverance for the absence of pain.

Don’t mistake his productivity for healing.

And don’t mistake his strength for a heart that is no longer broken.

Just because he keeps going…
Doesn’t mean he isn’t hurting.

❤️
Dr. Cali
Bereaved Mother
Bereaved Parents Advocate
Grief Educator
Founder, Grief Bridge