Harvey D. Cottrell

What if love isn't something we create, but something we uncover?

My latest *Dating in the Wild* essay explores a question I've been wrestling with for years: What is love?

Sometimes the greatest barriers to connection are the ones we carry within ourselves.

Dating in the Wild: The Person Is Never Just the Person Harvey Cottrell LCSW, Author of "The Inner Room."

Many people enter dating hoping to be chosen.

Many people stay in relationships hoping not to be abandoned.

Few people ask whether they are abandoning themselves.

My newest Inner Room reflection explores congruence, fragmentation, and why the deepest forms of love may begin when we stop performing and simply allow ourselves to be known.

Dating in the Wild: Can you remain in a relationship with yourself while loving another? Harvey Cottrell, LCSW, Author of "The Inner Room."

**Dating in the Wild 🌿**

Why does dating begin to feel less like connection…
and more like strategy?

Swipe left.
Swipe right.
Keep a few in the queue just in case.

And somewhere in all of that…
we start losing the very thing we’re looking for.

What if dating isn’t meant to feel like a game to win?

What if it’s more like the wild?

Unscripted.
Uncurated.
Alive.

In the wild, nothing performs to be chosen.

The willow bends—but stays rooted.
The daylily blooms—without asking permission.
The dandelion returns—again and again, still offering something.

Maybe healthy dating looks more like this:

🌱 Staying grounded in who you are—even when something excites you
🌼 Letting yourself be seen—without turning into someone else to be liked
🌾 Taking a chance—without needing certainty first

Not everyone will be a match.

But everyone you sit across from
is a human being with a story, a longing, a life unfolding.

And there can be something sacred in that.

Even if it’s just one conversation.
Even if it doesn’t continue.

So maybe the question shifts:

Not *“How do I win this?”*
But *“Can I be present enough to see what’s real here?”*

You’re not trying to be chosen.

You’re learning how to meet another human being
without losing yourself.

And that changes everything.




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— Harvey Cottrell LCSW

Dating in the Wild: A Mindful Return Harvey Cottrell, LCSW Author of The Inner Room

Why does dating begin to feel less like a connection and more like a strategy?

I’ve been hearing this question a lot lately.

Not because people don’t want love
But because the way we’re dating is slowly pulling us away from how connection actually forms.

It starts subtly.

You begin thinking about timing.
What to say.
How not to seem too interested.
When to pull back.

And before you know it, you’re no longer meeting someone…
You’re managing how you’re perceived.

That’s where the shift happens.

Dating turns into performance.
People become profiles.
And the connection is replaced by a calculation.

But real intimacy doesn’t grow that way.

It grows where:
– You can be yourself without editing
– the other person can reflect and take ownership
– There is mutual effort, not one person carrying it

Not perfect. Not instant.
Just real.

If you’re feeling burned out, it doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.
It may mean your nervous system is pushing back against something that isn’t built for depth.

So maybe the question isn’t:
“How do I do this better?”

Maybe it’s:
“What would it look like to show up honestly… and see what’s actually here?”

You’re not trying to win the date.
You’re discerning if something real is possible.

— Harvey Cottrell, LCSW.





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Today, following the U.S. Supreme Court’s March 31, 2026 decision in Chiles v. Salazar, I want to state my position plainly and without ambiguity: as a licensed clinical social worker and trauma-informed therapist, I do not provide, endorse, refer for, or participate in so-called “conversion therapy” or any practice that attempts to change, suppress, or “correct” a person’s sexual orientation.

My position is grounded in professional ethics, clinical integrity, and established scientific evidence. Sexual orientation is not a disorder requiring treatment. There is no credible scientific evidence that therapy can change a person’s sexual orientation, and attempts to do so have been associated with harm. The American Psychological Association’s task force found that such efforts are unlikely to be effective and can involve risk, including depression, anxiety, and self-destructive behavior.

The American Academy of Pediatrics has likewise stated that therapies directed at specifically changing sexual orientation are not supported by the evidence and may provoke guilt, anxiety, and a sense of personal failure while interfering with healthy identity development.

The World Health Organization, through PAHO, has stated that services claiming to “cure” people with non-heterosexual orientation lack medical justification and represent a serious threat to health and well-being.

For that reason, my practice remains committed to care that is ethical, evidence-based, trauma-informed, and rooted in human dignity. I will support clients in living truthfully and safely, not in submitting to shame-based or coercive efforts to erase who they are.

There is nothing pathological about being gay, le***an, bisexual, or otherwise sexually diverse. No child. No adolescent. No adult needs to be “fixed.”

References

American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. (2018). Conversion therapy. https://www.aacap.org/aacap/Policy_Statements/2018/Conversion_Therapy.aspx

American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. (2009). Position on reparative/conversion therapy. https://www.aamft.org/AAMFT/About_AAMFT/Position_Statements.aspx

American Psychiatric Association. (2024). Position statement on conversion therapy and LGBTQ patients. https://www.psychiatry.org/about-apa/policy-finder/position-statement-on-conversion-therapy-and-lgbtq

American Psychological Association. (2009). Report of the Task Force on Appropriate Therapeutic Responses to Sexual Orientation.https://www.apa.org/pi/lgbt/resources/therapeutic-response.pdf

American Psychological Association. (2021). Resolution on sexual orientation change efforts.https://www.apa.org/about/policy/resolution-sexual-orientation-change-efforts.pdf

Blosnich, J. R., Henderson, E. R., Coulter, R. W. S., Goldbach, J. T., & Meyer, I. H. (2020). Sexual orientation change efforts, adverse childhood experiences, and su***de ideation and attempt among sexual minority adults, United States, 2016–2018. American Journal of Public Health, 110(7), 1024–1030. https://doi.org/10.2105/AJPH.2020.305637

Fenaughty, J., Tan, K., Ker, A., Veale, J., Saxton, P., & Alansari, M. (2023). Sexual orientation and gender identity change efforts for young people in New Zealand: Demographics, types of suggesters, and associations with mental health. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 52(1), 1–16. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10964-022-01693-3

Fish, J. N., Watson, R. J., Porta, C. M., Russell, S. T., & Saewyc, E. M. (2020). Sexual orientation and gender identity change efforts are unethical and harmful. American Journal of Public Health, 110 8, 1113–1114. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7349462/

Green, A. E., Price-Feeney, M., Dorison, S. H., & Pick, C. J. (2020). Self-reported conversion efforts and suicidality among US LGBTQ youths and young adults, 2018. American Journal of Public Health, 110 8 , 1221–1227. https://doi.org/10.2105/AJPH.2020.305701

Pan American Health Organization. (2012, May 17). “Therapies” to change sexual orientation lack medical justification and threaten health. https://www.paho.org/en/news/17-5-2012-therapies-change-sexual-orientation-lack-medical-justification-and-threaten-health

Rafferty, J., Committee on Psychosocial Aspects of Child and Family Health, Committee on Adolescence, & Section on Le***an, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Health and Wellness. (2018). Ensuring comprehensive care and support for transgender and gender-diverse children and adolescents. Pediatrics, 142(4), Article e20182162. https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2018-2162

Ryan, C., Toomey, R. B., Diaz, R. M., & Russell, S. T. (2020). Parent-initiated sexual orientation change efforts with LGBT adolescents: Implications for young adult mental health and adjustment. Journal of Homosexuality, 67(2), 159–173. https://doi.org/10.1080/00918369.2018.1538407

Salway, T., Ferlatte, O., Gesink, D., Lachowsky, N. J., Wang, J., Ryan, S., & Gilbert, M. (2020). Prevalence of exposure to sexual orientation change efforts and associated sociodemographic characteristics and psychosocial health outcomes among Canadian sexual minority men. Canadian Journal of Psychiatry, 65(7), 502–509. https://doi.org/10.1177/0706743720902629

Tran, N. K., Lett, E., Cassese, B., Streed, C. G., Jr., Kinitz, D. J., Ingram, S., Sprague, K., Dastur, Z., Lubensky, M. E., Flentje, A., Obedin-Maliver, J., & Lunn, M. R. (2024). Conversion practice recall and mental health symptoms in sexual and gender minority adults in the USA: A cross-sectional study. The Lancet Psychiatry, 11(11), 879–889. https://doi.org/10.1016/S2215-0366(24)00251-7

What We Know Project, Cornell University. (n.d.). What does the scholarly research say about whether conversion therapy can alter sexual orientation without causing harm? https://whatweknow.inequality.cornell.edu/topics/lgbt-equality/what-does-the-scholarly-research-say-about-whether-conversion-therapy-can-alter-sexual-orientation-without-causing-harm/

Williams Institute, UCLA School of Law. (2019, June 6). Conversion therapy and LGBT youth. https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/publications/conversion-therapy-and-lgbt-youth/

This week I wrote something that has been living in me for a long time.

It began with a question I hear often in my work and in my own life:

Why doesn’t grief end?

And what I am coming to understand is this—

maybe it’s not supposed to.

Maybe grief is not something we “get over,”
but something we learn to carry.

Not as a burden,
but as a beautiful wound—
a place where love continues to flow.

This piece weaves together:

nonfinite grief
impermanence
ancestral memory
ritual and return
and the practice of staying present to what does not resolve

If you’ve ever felt like something was wrong with you because you couldn’t “move on”… this is for you.

A lélek tudja az utat.
The soul knows the way.

A Beautiful Wound: Grief, Impermanence, and the Love That Remains Harvey Cottrell, LCSW, Author of The Inner Room & The Deepest Yes

I just published a new piece in The Inner Room exploring a question I see often in therapy and in life:

Why do human beings need belonging?

Psychologists sometimes use the phrase ontological security to describe the deep sense that life is stable, meaningful, and anchored in relationships. When families fracture, communities collapse, or relationships end, people often experience more than grief—they experience a disruption in identity itself.

In this essay I explore:

• why humans are not meant to live in isolation
• how belonging shapes identity
• why the collapse of ideal community can be so destabilizing
• how healing often begins through small acts of reconnection

And I end with a simple practice for the week: write three letters—to a friend, a family member, or someone who might be lonely.

Sometimes belonging begins again with something as simple as a handwritten letter.

If you’d like to read (or listen—Substack now allows posts to be played as audio), you can find it here.

The Science of Belonging: Why Humans Need Connection Harvey Cottrell, LCSW The Inner Room