Come Back Podcast

“I grew up in the church.

At eleven I was abused.

It left me feeling dirty and started a struggle that shadowed me for decades.

I walked away at thirteen.

In my mid-twenties a missionary’s testimony pulled me back.

I married a woman who joined the church, and we started a family.

But shame never let go of me.

I went two and a half years without taking the sacrament because I kept judging myself as unworthy.

I was called as a seminary teacher, then released after confessing my struggle.

I took it as proof of what I’d always believed about myself.

Then our son Benjamin was born with trisomy 18 and lived only ten days.

He was held and loved every minute, and even that I twisted back into guilt.

We moved to Denver, and I slowly pulled my whole family out of the church with me.

I violated my marriage and temple covenants and asked to have my name removed from the records.

I stayed out for about seven years.

I was drinking, convinced the Atonement worked for everyone but me.

One night I dreamed I cannonballed off a dock and watched myself drift away from my wife and kids.

I knew that was exactly what I was doing.

Around then my father passed, and I felt him working on my heart from the other side.

I found the Come Back Podcast doomscrolling on YouTube and thought, too bad it doesn’t apply to me.

Then I started longing for home.

I went back and sat in the back.

One Sunday in elders quorum every comment hit me like an arrow.

I sat in my car afterward and wept for an hour.

I haven’t missed a Sunday since.

I was re-baptized in February, surrounded by family and friends.

Now I’m working toward having my temple blessings restored.

The shame is simply gone, and I can’t tell you how or when it left.

‘You cannot sink farther than the light and sweeping intelligence of Jesus Christ can reach. He did not just descend to your condition, He descended below it.’”

- David

“I grew up in the church.

At eleven I was abused.

It left me feeling dirty and started a struggle that shadowed me for decades.

I walked away at thirteen.

In my mid-twenties a missionary’s testimony pulled me back.

I married a woman who joined the church, and we started a family.

But shame never let go of me.

I went two and a half years without taking the sacrament because I kept judging myself as unworthy.

I was called as a seminary teacher, then released after confessing my struggle.

I took it as proof of what I’d always believed about myself.

Then our son Benjamin was born with trisomy 18 and lived only ten days.

He was held and loved every minute, and even that I twisted back into guilt.

We moved to Denver, and I slowly pulled my whole family out of the church with me.

I violated my marriage and temple covenants and asked to have my name removed from the records.

I stayed out for about seven years.

I was drinking, convinced the Atonement worked for everyone but me.

One night I dreamed I cannonballed off a dock and watched myself drift away from my wife and kids.

I knew that was exactly what I was doing.

Around then my father passed, and I felt him working on my heart from the other side.

I found the Come Back Podcast doomscrolling on YouTube and thought, too bad it doesn’t apply to me.

Then I started longing for home.

I went back and sat in the back.

One Sunday in elders quorum every comment hit me like an arrow.

I sat in my car afterward and wept for an hour.

I haven’t missed a Sunday since.

I was re-baptized in February, surrounded by family and friends.

Now I’m working toward having my temple blessings restored.

The shame is simply gone, and I can’t tell you how or when it left.

‘You cannot sink farther than the light and sweeping intelligence of Jesus Christ can reach. He did not just descend to your condition, He descended below it.’”

David

“I grew up the only Latter-day Saint kid in a tiny Minnesota town, raised by devout convert parents.

I had small, early experiences with God, like praying as a child and being led straight to my lost pet across acres of open field.

But I never had anyone my own age who shared my faith.

By high school I felt caught between two worlds: not good enough for the good, and not bad enough for the bad.

So I decided I would be bad enough for the bad.

What began as wanting to fit in turned into addiction and a double life, lying and using while still playing my part at church.

One night, after a prompting I couldn’t ignore, I felt my whole soul on fire telling me to go to California now.

I went, but I carried my addictions with me, and they only got heavier.

I met a bishop who told me over and over, “Heavenly Father loves you,” even when I yelled back that He didn’t.

Working a 12-step program, I internalized the wrong words.

Instead of ‘child of God,’ I told myself ‘I am an addict.’

That sent me into the darkest place I have ever known.

I lost every way I’d learned to cope, failed out of school, and could barely get out of bed.

For about six months it felt like hell on earth, and I begged God to just let me go.

And one night the voice came: ‘I cannot. I am bound by the faithful prayers of your parents.’

Then, broken down completely, I had what I can only call my rescue.

I felt my Savior lift me out of the water I’d been drowning in, hold me, and let me rest in a love I cannot describe.

I came back the same on the outside, but changed at my core.

From that night, I was free.

Years later that same voice led me into nursing, and I worked in the temple I once swore I’d never enter.

I married a man I never believed could love me, and our six kids are currently running in the yard.

He never stopped holding on, even in the years I had let go of everything, including myself.”

Naomi