DBT Informed Peer Connections
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DISCLAIMER: The information contained herein does not mean to diagnose or treat individuals. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
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A Dialectical Behavior Therapy community forum for persons interested in helping each other learn skills, sharing knowledge, providing peer support and disseminating information This is a place for people interested in dialectical behavioral therapy to exchange information, DBT Skills worksheets, encouragement, resource links, events, etc.. If you or someone you know has mental health concerns, on
09/29/2025
If nothing changes, nothing changes. Change is hard. No, it's really, really hard. Lots of us want to be different, but when it comes to the hard, slogging footwork required to actually make changes, we resist. We drag our feet. We complain. We identify roadblocks to change. But if nothing changes, nothing changes. What's required is to make a start, and sometimes that's all that's needed to break the logjam and set off in a new direction. But you have to make a start: change one tiny little thing, take a baby step toward making the change you want. If you want to learn to play a Beethoven sonata on the piano, start with a baby step: buy the piano score. If you want to overcome your depression, take a baby step: spend 30 minutes moving your body today. If you want to be less anxious, take a baby step: download a mindfulness app to your phone. In and of themselves, none of these steps is going to eliminate your problem, but if nothing changes, nothing ever changes.
Dr. Kristi Webb
Abandon hope of results and always do your best. The only commitment is to do our best in any situation. We get so caught in expectations - judgments about what we should or should not feel, or what we should or should not be able to achieve, for instance - that we lose the opportunity to be present in the right-here-now.
Results certainly come out of effort. But there is so much of that which is beyond our control. A yoga teacher I know recently framed it in terms of working towards a particular pose - it's not about achieving the pose, it's about being able to feel or way into it, find our boundary of what is helpful our hurtful, find our balance of what is right for us in this moment.
The point is to focus less on the expectation and more on the effort of being present and responsive in this moment.
~David Edmonds
VALIDATION
Dr. Marsha Linehan, the creator of DBT, describes six levels of validation, with each “level” offering a different tactic for validating someone. With regard to interpersonal effectiveness, validation is useful whether we seek to better a relationship with a loved one, a friend, a coworker, or even someone we’ve just met. Validation is so powerful that it can be used to diffuse a hostile or escalating situation – since validating someone’s point of view helps to reduce frustration and stress. Let’s decode the six levels with regard to validating others.
1. Mindful engagement – Active listening is a good example of this first level of validation. Being present and showing interest nonverbally and/or verbally, such as communicating your understanding by way of nodding, making eye contact and asking appropriate questions. (“I hear you! What’d you do after she told you that?”)
2. Accurate reflection – Demonstrate to the person you’re listening to that their message is being received accurately. If you choose to disagree, at least the individual knows that you are listening with intention, and that helps. (“I just heard you say that your boss really likes you, but you don’t think you’re doing a good job. Are you being unjustly hard on yourself?”)
3. Reading cues – This involves some guesswork, and when you do this it’s best that you verbalize what you’re hearing, so that you can be corrected if you’ve misunderstood. You may think someone is upset with you, when they’re simply not feeling well, or vice versa. But the fact that you inquire and help someone communicate, when they may be having trouble doing so, enhances the relationship. (“You look unhappy. Is something bothering you?”)
4 Historical perspective – Drawing on your knowledge of someone’s prior experiences, you can lend perspective that helps the individual connect the dots about how they’re feeling or how they’re processing new information. (“Maybe you don’t trust your new girlfriend because your previous girlfriend cheated on you?”)
5. Assuring reasonableness – Letting someone know that their thoughts, feelings, or behaviors are normal and quite reasonable. This provides reassurance, comfort, and healthy perspective. (“I see your frustration. Most people would be annoyed at spending 30 minutes on hold with the cable company.”)
6. Respectful honesty – Providing feedback that lets a person know that you respect them enough to “keep it real.” This level of validation is best delivered with an accompaniment of radical acceptance, along with a nonjudgmental stance – taking into account that everyone has their strengths and limitations. Validating someone with honesty and respect means treating them as you’d want someone to treat you in a confidential relationship. (“I understand why you said that, but I think you could have had a better result if you used a softer tone?”)
Regardless of which techniques you use to validate someone, the results are bound to be beneficial. By the way, thank you for reading this. We realize that you’re busy and we’re grateful for your attention. Feels good, right?
Skill of the Week: Give yourself grace. I have been writing the Skill of the Week since February of 2013, but since my retirement I have twice missed. Even worse, i didn't even notice that I'd missed for over a week! I'm sure you can imagine my distress, specifically my feelings of anxiety and shame. I certainly needed to give myself grace! "The winds of grace are always blowing, but it is you that must raise your sails." (Rabindranath Tagore). Giving ourselves grace, or giving others grace, is an essential tool when we're all anxious, depressed, burnt out, angry, ashamed, or languishing. I love this quote, because it reminds me that grace is ever present. I don't have to have special qualifications in order to get some. I don't need special skills, or training, or personality characteristics. I apologize if you wondered where the Skill of the Week had gotten to. For myself, I think this quote is a reminder to notice, to look for where grace is already present. What gift of grace can you give yourself today?
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