Kaycee

A post I tried to get through yesterday but couldn’t find the words, focus, or strength for.
Then again, grief doesn’t care about calendars. And love doesn’t expire when the clock strikes midnight.
So here we are.
One year ago today, I lost my dad. Somehow, the first anniversary of losing you fell on Father’s Day.
The cruelest coincidence and the most fitting reminder of who you were. It’s like the universe reminding me that this day will always belong to you. For everyone else, it’s a day to celebrate their dads. For me, it’s the day that changed my life forever. The day I became a daughter without her dad.

Yet knowing Father’s Day exists because of fathers like you. The ones who leave marks on their children so permanent that even a year later, their absence is felt in everything. So permanent that there will never be a year it doesn’t feel like the first.

The oddest feeling is that it somehow feels like you left just yesterday, while at the same time I’m wondering how I’ve survived an entire year without you. I find myself wondering how I’m supposed to keep doing this… living year after year, having to count for the rest of my life how long you’ve been gone.

Losing you in the month of June changed everything. Between birthdays, Father’s Day, and the day we lost you, a month that was once filled with nothing but celebration has become a month I simply try to survive.

But with all that said, it seems like there’s a lesson in all of this. A lesson that you’ll make sure I fight through, because losing you has felt like nothing less than a fight.

Since the day you left us, that’s what it’s been. Learning how to live without you. Watching so many true colors unravel. Seeing who belongs and who doesn’t. Learning hard lessons I never wanted to learn.

And through it all, every day I try to make sure I’m still being your daughter. To carry myself in a way that would make you proud. To love people the way you did. To show up for each other the way you always showed up for us. To keep your name alive and your stories being told.

The truth is, I don’t think the goal was ever to learn how to live without you. The goal will never be that. Because there will never be