Miami County Scanner

Save-A-Lot - multiple reports of a scrawny bearded shirtless man wearing a Santa hat and a Santa g-string outside handing out discount codes for his OnlyFans.

Kroger - there’s a female outside the doors dressed as Mrs. Klaus trying to auction herself off for Black Friday.

Update - she was seen leaving the area for the great price of $13 in a white box van.

24 / Broadway - multiple reports of a 25 foot tall baby walking along the tree line grabbing cars with its tongue and swingin’ em’ down the gullet like a frog.

19 / 1350 S - caller states they saw a flash of red light in the sky and now there’s a fire in the area.

Update - there’s a man appearing to be the devil wearing a black thong doing tribal dances while chanting in the middle of a circle of fire.

Broadway / Daniel - caller advised they were eating a Crunchwrap supreme with Diablo sauce when the packet squirted into their eyes causing them to lose vision resulting in a minor PD.

1200 S / 500 E - caller said they saw a man dressed like Joe Dirt standing ontop of his barn with approximately 12 beers while shooting fireworks out of his shot gun.

Update - the barn is now on fire.

Mr. Weenie’s - report of a male highly resembling Joe Biden sitting ontop of the hot dog sign trying to ride it like a bull while chanting “poor kids are just as smart as white kids!”

Miami Correctional Facility - a helicopter flew over and released an unknown gas. The inmates and guards are now trying to eat each other while Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus is blaring over the intercoms.

Grissom Chrysler Dodge - caller advised he stopped here for some fun time with his blow up doll, he got out to p*e and saw she was gone when he re-entered his car. He would like to file a missing persons report.

Taco Bell - caller advised they can hear howling coming from the bathroom.

Update - it’s a man identifying as a werewolf. It’s requesting EMS for explosive diarrhea.