Live Free Systems

The book What Happened to You? by Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey is a series of conversations on Mental Trauma, Resilience, and Healing.

Have you ever wondered Why do I do that? Why do I think that way? Or maybe even, Why is it so hard for me to change that behavior?

Think about this. Imagine your thoughts are like an iceberg.

The 10% tip of the iceberg that shows above the water line is where all your conscious thoughts come from.

The 90% of the iceberg below the surface that we do not see and are unaware of is where all your unconscious or subconscious thoughts come from.

That is why the conscious mind can not outwill or overpower the subconscious mind.

This book is a compelling and insightful exploration of how early life experiences shape subconscious thoughts and who we become.

The book delves into the science of mental trauma and the brain, focusing on the impact of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and the importance of understanding behaviors through the lens of trauma.

Its candid conversational structure makes the content accessible and relatable, as it blends emotional narratives with evidence-based research.

It emphasizes the importance of shifting the question from What is wrong with you to What happened to you?

This subtle but profound change in perspective encourages empathy and a deeper understanding of the root causes of behavior rather than focusing solely on symptoms or outcomes.

It is also practical by offering insights into how we can heal from trauma and build resilience.

It’s for those who struggle with behaviors shaped by trauma and also for anyone who wants to understand human behavior more deeply, including parents, educators, professionals in mental health, and romantic partners.

What Happened to You? is a valuable resource that combines personal stories, scientific knowledge, and practical advice, making it a must-read for anyone interested in the effects of trauma and the power of resilience.

Self-sabotage refers to behaviors or thought patterns undermining a person's success, progress, or well-being.

It often occurs when someone unconsciously prevents themselves from achieving their goals due to fear or self-doubt.

Some of the most common forms of self-sabotage include
-Procrastination.
-Perfectionism: Setting unrealistically high standards.
-Negative Self-Talk.
-Fear of Failure.
-Taking on too many tasks or responsibilities.
-Imposter Syndrome: Believing you are undeserving, incapable, or unworthy of success.
-Self-Medication: Abusing substances like drugs or alcohol or even engaging in unhealthy habits.
-Avoiding Discomfort: Shying away from uncomfortable situations or hard conversations.
-Overthinking/Analysis Paralysis.
-Sabotaging Relationships: Pushing people away or engaging in destructive behavior in relationships due to fear of vulnerability, rejection, or past trauma.

Stopping self-sabotage requires both self-awareness and intentional actions.

Here are some steps that can help:
1. Recognize the behavior: Identify when and how you engage in self-sabotage.
2. Understand the root cause: Identify the underlying emotions driving your actions.
3. Challenge negative beliefs: Replace negative beliefs with more constructive, positive affirmations.
4. Set clear, achievable goals: Break your larger goals into smaller, manageable tasks.
5. Cultivate self-compassion: Practice self-kindness instead of harshly criticizing yourself when things go wrong.
6. Create accountability: Share your goals with a trusted friend, coach, or mentor. Having someone to hold you accountable can reduce the temptation to sabotage your progress.
7. Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness can help you stay present and aware of your active thoughts, emotions, and actions. This awareness allows you to pause and choose more constructive responses instead of acting out of fear or habit.
8. Develop coping strategies: Learn techniques for managing stress, fear, and discomfort, such as deep breathing, journaling, or talking to someone. This will help you handle difficult emotions.

Consistently practicing these strategies can reduce self-sabotaging behavior and help achieve goals.

The book "Attached" by Amir Levine, M.D., and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A., explores the concept of Integrated Attachment Styles, a fundamental determinant of relationship health.

The book identifies three primary attachment styles in relationships:

Secure Attachment: Healthy and secure.
Anxious Preoccupied Attachment: Insecure.
Dismissive Avoidant Attachment: Insecure.

A fourth style, often discussed in the relationship counseling community but not covered in the book, is Fearful Avoidant Attachment, which combines traits from both insecure styles.

It's important to note that everyone has an attachment style.

The study of attachment styles has been a part of psychiatry for over 150 years.

Understanding your attachment style can provide valuable insights into your behaviors and patterns in relationships, especially romantic ones.

This knowledge can help improve the current status and future of your relationships.

If you want to understand and change negative relationship patterns, "Attached" offers profound insights into yourself and your loved ones.

Sometimes, you need to make a change to move forward positively.

To kickstart this process, I've committed to reading 20 books consecutively.

My mentor and other trusted professionals recommended the books I selected for this journey.

Some are focused on personal development, while others cover professional development.

I've already completed reading three books, and I'll post some thoughts on each book as I progress.

The first three books are:
1. "Attached"
by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A.

2. "What Happened to You"
by Bruce D. Perry, MD, Ph, and Oprah Winfrey.

3. "How to Win Friends and Influence People"
by Dale Carnegie.

If you're reading this, there will be some great books you may want to pick up for yourself, so be sure to check back for all my reviews.

Think about this for a second, almost anything one person can do and achieve, any other capable person can also do and achieve. We all have the power to choose our path.

However, when successful individuals talk about their achievements, they often mention "hard work." This raises the question: what does "hard work" truly mean if anyone can do anything?

To better understand this, I asked 20 successful people from various fields, such as doctors, lawyers, traders, and entrepreneurs, if they believed they worked hard for their success and what "hard work" meant to them.

The most common response was that the true definition of hard work was not just the challenging tasks they had to complete, but the level of discipline they had to practice and maintain over a long period to achieve their goals. This included things like studying for long hours while others were out socializing or saving every penny to invest in their objectives.

Most of us can relate to the difficulty of maintaining discipline to accomplish a significant goal that requires learning, change, and growth. It's important to remember that no matter how big your passion, how focused you are on your goal, or how much you want it, discipline is the first and most crucial ingredient in achieving success. Without it, nothing can be accomplished.

Have you ever found yourself saying, "That's just who I am. Take it or leave it?" This statement often implies that you recognize a negative aspect of yourself but have no intention of changing it.

While we all have our own set of beliefs, preferences, morals, and values that shape our lives, the fact is that we are constantly evolving, growing, and changing, whether we intend to or not.

The problem is, if we don't consciously choose how we want to grow and evolve, our subconscious mind will do it for us. It develops habitual thinking patterns designed to protect us, preserve energy, and keep us safe by not taking risks.

Your subconscious mind doesn't want to take risks or burn energy for your growth and advancement; it only wants you to stay relaxed and safe.

It's important to remember that the direction we grow and the outcomes we experience are mostly a direct reflection of our unconscious, habitual thinking patterns. If we want to achieve our goals and dreams, we have to consciously choose to take action, follow through, and repeat. This will help us develop new, positive thinking habits to succeed.

Albert Einstein once said, "You can't solve a problem with the same thinking that created it. To overcome challenges, you must learn, grow, change, and evolve mentally."

You will inevitably grow and change, but it's up to you to determine how you want to do so. It's your choice.

When it comes to achieving your dreams and goals, having someone who believes in you, encourages you, reminds you of your goals, and provides you with an extra push can make all the difference.

A supportive family member, friend, or business associate can play a significant role in helping you get started when you're feeling skeptical or scared, pushing through when you're feeling stuck, or simply encouraging you to keep going when faced with challenges.

If you want to give your goals an added boost towards their accomplishment, consider talking to a family member or friend who cares about you and assigning them the simple task of sending you daily reminders of your dream, the goals you discussed with them, and words of encouragement to take action.

Your unique ideas, inspirations, and motivations stem from a higher source, empowering you to pursue your desires, goals, and dreams.

You do not need validation or approval from your loved ones, friends, peers, or acquaintances regarding your dreams, goals, or plans.

If you need support, it's wise to seek knowledge, advice, or opinions from individuals who possess the expertise and experience in your current pursuit, such as a mentor, industry professional, or those who have already achieved success.

Recognize And Acknowledge When These Two Things Happen In Your Life, And Ride Them Like A Wave.

Have you ever experienced a stroke of luck or a happy coincidence seemingly out of nowhere?

For example, while searching for a specific job, you’re offered an employment position much better than the job you were searching for.

That is what Serendipity is all about - an unexpected event that brings joy or benefits to you.

On the other hand, have you ever had a series of seemingly connected events happen at the same time, but they have no obvious cause-and-effect relationship?

For instance, you think of an old friend you have not seen in years, and then that friend calls or texts you out of the blue.

We define this as Synchronicity, the simultaneous occurrence of events that appear significantly related but have no discernible casual connection.

These occurrences are often subtle and easy to overlook, but many believe they are powerful ‘winks’ from the Universe telling us we’re on the right track.

By paying attention to them and trusting your intuition, you can gain insights and guidance on where you are, what’s happening, and what to do next.

So, next time you experience a strange coincidence, take a moment to reflect on its meaning, potential significance, and what you can learn from it.

The results you are getting in your life are a direct reflection of your behavior, actions, and choices.

What's the key to living a life free of the burden of work in a world where survival depends on employment?

The answer is simple: turn your passion into your source of income, and you’ll never work a day.

Do you find yourself using negative sayings without realizing they're negatively affecting your beliefs, energy, and, ultimately, your results?

Remember, the energy you put out is what you attract.

You can gauge your frequency by paying attention to what you commonly say about your life, yourself, and the world around you.

Here are ten common negative sayings that could be lowering your vibration:

1. "Must be nice." - This is often used when someone else achieves something you have not accomplished, creating a frequency of jealousy, envy, and lack.

2. "Figures that would happen to me." - This assumes that bad things always happen to you, creating a negative belief.

3. "That's just how I am." - This is an attempt to justify negative characteristics, but we should all work to be better.

4. "You're good enough as you are." - This saying implies that you do not need to improve yourself to be successful, but if you were good enough, you would be successful already.

5. "It's never too late to achieve your dream." - While it is essential to pursue your dreams, sometimes the window of opportunity passes. You can adjust your dream to still get a sense of achieving it. Example: help someone else still in their window accomplish the same goal.

6. "I don’t want to be rich, I only want to be happy." - This saying often comes from a fear of failure, a lack of belief in your ability, or a low sense of self-worth, but settling for mediocrity is not the answer.

7. "Talking about your problems will help you feel better." - Focusing on negative feelings often recycles and strengthens those feelings.

8. "Money can't buy happiness." - While money alone doesn't guarantee happiness, financial stability can bring peace of mind.

9. "You can only learn success from successful people." - Those who have failed can offer valuable insights on pitfalls to avoid and what not to do.

10. "Great opportunity only comes once in a lifetime." - Opportunities come and go, but the window of opportunity is often a timeframe rather than just a moment.