Mandy's Memorial

Today is Mandy’s birthday - a day we once happily celebrated with family and friends, parties, special dinners, cakes, balloons, and gifts. But for the last few years, Pete and I have had to find comfort and contentment in reminiscing about Mandy’s childhood birthdays. And this year we will do so once again.

Fortunately we have lots of photographs from Mandy’s birthday parties to jog our memories. This year I also pulled out Mandy’s Baby Book, and I remembered how happy we were to be blessed with a little sister for Matt. I read the entries I had written years ago about her first steps, her eating and sleeping habits, her favorite toys and games, and so much more. And along with the book, I discovered some interesting, but forgotten, items from Mandy’s first few months/years.

The first item was Mandy’s hospital photograph where she appeared to be either falling asleep or struggling to wake up for the photographer. Her eyes were barely visible, and fuzzy brown hair covered her tiny head. I never cared for that pic so I left it in her book long ago, preferring the photo that Pete took as we were preparing to head home from the hospital a couple days later. In that pic I cradled Mandy in my arms, her blue eyes dark and mysterious above her rosy cheeks.

I also found a note from my Aunt Betty. She and I had become very close when Matt was born. At that time, my Mom was seriously ill, and so Aunt Betty had stepped in to help me out when she could. She called me nearly every day to check in and make sure that Matt and I were doing okay. She was a great comfort to me as I tried to adapt to the changes that were occurring in my daily life. Aunt Betty was very much aware that my doctor had decided to induce labor when I was 2½ weeks past my due date so her note read as follows:

“FINALLY!!!!!!! How happy I was to hear from your Mom & Dad and know that Mandy was finally here! I don’t think I could have been any happier if it were my grandchild. You know the old saying ‘good things are worth waiting for.’ I think this is true in this case. I’m sure you four will be happy and have a happy life ahead of you. I guess she just wanted to have a day that was her very own.”

Aunt Betty’s support at that time was priceless to me, but her words are even more meaningful now. Mandy was certainly worth waiting for as she was one of the greatest blessings of my life. And the four of us truly did have a happy life together. With time we came to realize that Mandy’s late arrival was only the beginning of her determination to live her life her own way, always doing what she wanted to do when she wanted to do it.

Another thing I found was a lock of Mandy’s hair from a haircut she received when she was five years old. It’s beautifully blond and soft as can be, and I loved holding it in my hands again because it brought back memories of so many times I had brushed Mandy’s hair, added some barrettes, pulled it back into a pony tail, or braided it.

These things are not simply “things” – they are treasures that carry memories of happy days in our lives. Pete and I will always be grateful for these keepsakes that evoke memories of the joy Mandy brought into our lives. We will always be thankful for our memories of Mandy’s birthday celebrations through the years. But we will be forever .

Tomorrow will mark eleven years since Mandy passed away, and I know that it will be a bittersweet, emotional day for me. But it will also mark eleven years that I have collected quotes about grief. As odd as it may seem to some of you, such quotes can alleviate some of my pain, and even provide some comfort, because they serve as reminders that most of us have experienced devastating, life-changing losses, and there’s no need to feel alone in our grief.

One of my more recent quote acquisitions comes from author Zoe Clark-Coates: “Small things can trigger a fresh wave of grief…a smell, a look, or perhaps a song…within seconds you are flung into a time machine and are transported back to that “moment” when time stood still and the world had crashed at your feet.”

Now, after eleven years without Mandy, I am not often transported back to that particular day when my world crashed at my feet, but I do experience an onslaught of emotional reactions at the sight, sound, or smell of something unexpected. It may be just a commonplace item or an everyday experience, but when they seem to pop up out of the blue, they catch me by surprise and memories of Mandy overtake me.

It was only a couple weeks ago that Pete and I were being seated at one of our favorite restaurants when I noticed two young women at a table nearby. One of the girls had long blond hair that not only seemed to be the exact shade of Mandy’s hair, but also fell across her shoulders the same way that Mandy’s did. I could imagine Mandy sitting there having lunch with a friend although I knew in my heart that it just wasn’t possible. Then, only a few minutes later, the young woman reached into her purse, took out a hair scrunchie, and pulled her hair to the back of her head. That’s when I could feel tears forming in my eyes as I remembered how Mandy often had a scrunchie around her wrist. Then my thoughts traveled further reminding me that I had found a black scrunchie at the bottom of Mandy’s purse all those years ago, and my tears multiplied.

This past Sunday Pete and I went out for breakfast, and when our server came to greet us, she said that she remembered me as soon as she saw my necklace. (We first met Melissa several months ago when she had complimented me on my necklace. I told her about our “Cupcake Queen”, and I explained that my necklace had been designed by our son, in memory of our daughter, and so I wear it close to my heart.) I wasn't expecting to have someone tell me that they remembered my story, but it was exactly what I needed to hear that morning. Her smile, along with her words, warmed my heart and suddenly my day was a little brighter.

The great thing about an unexpected happening is that it could trigger smiles as we’re transported back to happier time. The not-so-great thing about something unexpected is that it could trigger tears as we’re transported back to a not-so-happy time. And at times they could trigger both smiles and tears. Early on in our grief counseling, Pete and I learned that there will always be tears, but if we strive to recall the happy moments, there will always be smiles. So bring on the blond hair and the soft blue eyes, the scrunchies, the cupcakes, and the Easter bunny ears…throw in a boxed wine Halloween costume, a cardboard Elvis or an inflatable leprechaun once in a while… anything that continues to provide a connection to Mandy.

What I love most about unexpected triggers and reactions is that they bring on Mandy memories. Our family is fortunate to have nearly 34 years of wonderful memories of Mandy to remind us of the joy she brought into our lives. They are a constant reminder that our connections to her will never be broken and our love for her will last forever.

At Christmas time many of us strive to find perfect presents to place under the tree, but some of the best gifts aren’t covered with pretty paper and colorful ribbons. Some gifts aren’t “things” that can be held in one’s hands. Some gifts are not anticipated, but are simply given as a sign of friendship. Some may be spontaneous like a warm hug. And sometimes I have received gifts that others may not recognize as a “present”, but more like a loving gesture. These are often the best gifts because they always come from the heart.

This year Pete and I received something that brought us smiles and warmed our hearts. It came to us by way of a message from Mandy’s friend Jackie on Christmas day. It seems that a group of Mandy’s co-workers from her first journalism job at the Index-Journal in Greenwood get together once or twice a year, and they always include a photo of Mandy in their gatherings. When they met a couple weeks ago, they took some silly holiday pictures of each of them including the one of Mandy's framed photo which I've attached. Jackie also sent us a collage of the group pictures that she had created, and we loved seeing all their smiling faces.

In her message to us, Jackie explained that Mandy’s photo rotates each time they meet, going home with a different one of them as they conclude their visits. Jackie said that she wanted us to know that Mandy’s memory is still always with them. And while we’ve been assured by many of you that you will always remember Mandy, it’s comforting to be reminded that her memory lives on. Our thanks to Jackie and the rest of the I-J group for sharing your fun photos with us.

We will be forever thankful that Mandy was fortunate to have so many amazing friends who have now become our friends too. We are grateful that you continue to include Mandy when you’re having fun and making new memories together. And we are grateful for your gift of making us smile just when we needed to be reminded of how deeply Mandy was loved by so many.