The Mocking Sun

Mount Pleasant Science Teachers and CMU Professors Asked to Explain Green Reflecting Pool

WASHINGTON, D.C. officials this week reportedly reached out to Mount Pleasant science teachers and Central Michigan University professors for help understanding why the newly darkened reflecting pool is turning green.

According to witnesses, the experts reviewed the evidence for approximately 14 seconds.

“Well, you painted it darker.”

The room then fell silent.

Sources say the scientists explained that darker surfaces absorb more solar energy, increasing water temperatures and creating more favorable conditions for algae growth.

“Congratulations,” said one local science teacher. “You’ve accidentally recreated the conditions that turn every unattended backyard pond into split pea soup.”

Several CMU professors reportedly attempted to provide a detailed explanation involving thermal absorption, aquatic ecosystems, and photosynthetic organisms. Officials immediately requested the information be translated into “something we can fit into a cable news segment.”

The revised explanation reportedly consisted of four words:

“Dark thing gets hotter.”

Meanwhile, students across Isabella County were stunned to learn that concepts taught before high school graduation apparently remain relevant in adulthood.

“Wait,” said one middle school student. “They spent millions of dollars to discover the answer to a question that’s basically on our science test?”

At press time, Mount Pleasant educators had been asked to assist with another urgent federal research project: determining whether bears are, in fact, attracted to honey and whether repeatedly touching a hot stove produces consistent results.

America’s 250th Birthday Party Comes With a Convenient Headstone

MT. PLEASANT, MI. As the nation prepares to celebrate its 250th birthday next month, local retailers are already stocked with commemorative merchandise featuring the dates 1776-2026.

Unfortunately, the decorations have the unfortunate appearance of something usually found in a cemetery.

License plates. Yard stakes. Flags. Metal signs.

All proudly displaying what looks suspiciously like America’s birth year and expiration date.

To be fair, the United States is not dead yet. It is merely watching its democratic institutions get kicked repeatedly in the shins while a significant portion of the population argues about whether the kicking is actually happening.

Still, many shoppers found the timing awkward.

“It feels less like a birthday celebration and more like Hobby Lobby accidentally ordered a shipment of patriotic tombstones,” said one resident while examining a sign that appeared to read, ‘Here Lies America. 1776-2026. Gone but Not Forgotten.’

Perhaps it is fitting that the nation’s 250th anniversary arrives during the reign of the Current Regime. Historians will someday debate whether this was the moment America renewed its commitment to democracy or simply started putting the funeral arrangements on layaway.

For now, retailers insist these are festive decorations.

And if your country’s birthday merchandise looks exactly like a gravestone, well, that’s probably nothing to worry about.

Probably.

Central Michigan Squirrels Secure Historic Agreement

MOUNT PLEASANT — Central Michigan squirrels announced a landmark agreement this week that will provide them with unlimited access to bird feeders, gardens, garbage cans, campground coolers, and whatever that one guy keeps leaving on his deck “for the birds.”

Under the agreement, residents will receive assurances that the squirrels will be “cool about it.”

“We believe this is a win-win,” said one squirrel observed stealing a tomato while maintaining eye contact with the homeowner. “You get peace of mind. We get literally everything else.”

Local deer immediately criticized the agreement, arguing they were unfairly excluded despite decades of dedicated work destroying hostas, flowers, and vegetable gardens across Isabella County.

The squirrels dismissed the complaint.

“Stay in your lane, salad bar,” said the squirrel before disappearing into a maple tree carrying an amount of birdseed that experts described as “physically impossible.”

At press time, a bear from Clare County had reportedly hired a lobbyist and was seeking similar terms.

Mocking Sun Analysis: White House Adopts Mt. Pleasant Marketplace Diplomacy

Residents of Mt. Pleasant were stunned Sunday when the White House issued a major foreign policy announcement using the exact same energy as that guy on Facebook who always has a “plug.”

You know the one.

The guy whose profile picture is a Dodge Ram, whose bio says “real ones know,” and who can allegedly get you concert tickets, a PS7, a pontoon boat, Taylor Swift front row seats, and a baby alpaca by Tuesday.

“Trust me bro. My guy is legit.”

This week, that same level of sourcing was apparently elevated to international diplomacy.

“The deal with Iran is complete. Congratulations to all!”

That’s it. No details. No signatures. No explanation. Just the geopolitical equivalent of:

“Got that fire deal. DM me. Serious inquiries only.”

Local residents reported feeling oddly familiar with the announcement.

“I’ve seen this post before,” said one Mt. Pleasant resident. “Usually it’s followed by comments asking if anyone actually received what they paid for.”

The White House parchment graphic has also drawn comparisons to those Marketplace listings where a 2024 bass boat, four-wheeler, and vacation condo are somehow available for $600 cash.

When asked for verification, officials reportedly responded:

“Ships of the world, start your engines.”

Which experts confirmed is not traditionally how treaties are announced.

At press time, the deal remained somewhere between “historic diplomatic breakthrough” and “my cousin’s buddy is bringing it over later.”

SUNDAY SHOUT OFF

Welcome back, Mt. Pleasant. Summer is in full swing. The gardens are growing, the humidity is rising, and somewhere in America someone decided a UFC fight on the White House lawn was a completely normal sentence.

Let’s get into it.

—

“Anyone else hoping for rain and thunderstorms during the UFC fight at the White House?”

Well, that’s certainly a weather preference.

Not because anyone wants people to get hurt. But because if we’re going to live in a timeline where the White House is hosting a cage fight, Mother Nature deserves a chance to weigh in.

Imagine explaining this sentence to someone from ten years ago:

“No, seriously. The President’s birthday weekend featured a UFC fight on the White House lawn.”

At this point, a dramatic thunderstorm wouldn’t even crack the Top 10 weirdest parts of the story.

The clouds would simply be participating in the event.

—

“The deer are eating my vegetables again.”

Again?

At this point, they aren’t eating your garden.

They own it.

You bought the seeds. You tilled the soil. You watered everything. The deer simply arrive at harvest time to inspect the menu.

The relationship has become so one-sided that homeowners are basically unpaid farm staff.

And the deer have somehow become bolder every year.

No fear. No shame. No respect for property lines.

Just tiny hooves and unlimited confidence.

—

“Why is every summer event somehow busier than last year?”

Because everyone spent months saying they wanted to get out more.

And apparently they all picked the exact same weekend.

Every festival is packed. Every patio is full. Every parking lot resembles a psychological experiment.

You can’t get a table. You can’t find parking. You can’t walk ten feet without running into someone you know.

Then, next January, we’ll all complain that nothing ever happens around here.

It’s the circle of life.

—

That’s it. Three shouts.

One hoping for weather intervention.

One deer-run agricultural program.

One community determined to attend the same event at the same time.

Same town.

Same shouting.

And if the White House lawn gets hit by lightning during a UFC fight, we’re officially living in satire.

Mocking Sun Editorial: Can We Admit This Is Weird?

Can we all just agree that this is completely insane?

Tomorrow is Donald Trump’s birthday.

Tomorrow, there will be a UFC fight on the White House lawn.

Not near the White House.

Not in Washington.

Not at a convention center.

On. The. White. House. Lawn.

If you had pitched this plot to Netflix ten years ago, a producer would have told you to stop drinking during the meeting.

The White House.

The home of Washington, Lincoln, Roosevelt, Kennedy, and Obama.

The place where world leaders meet, treaties are signed, and history is made.

Now hosting cage fights.

Somewhere, a middle school civics teacher is staring blankly at a textbook and wondering if they should just skip the entire chapter on the presidency.

We grew up being told the office demanded dignity, seriousness, and respect.

Instead, America has somehow wandered into a timeline where the Commander-in-Chief spends his birthday ringside while two men in sponsored shorts attempt to elbow each other unconscious on federal property.

The only thing missing is Kid Rock parachuting into the octagon carrying a bald eagle and a coupon for a reverse mortgage.

The mind-bending part is not that this is happening.

The mind-bending part is how many people looked at the sentence “There will be a UFC fight on the White House lawn for the President’s birthday” and thought, “Yeah, that checks out.”

Washington crossed the Delaware.

Lincoln preserved the Union.

FDR guided the nation through depression and war.

And tomorrow, the White House lawn hosts Fight Night.

What a time to be alive.

What a time to own a history book.

What a time to repeatedly ask, “What the hell is even happening?”

Letter to the Editor:
The recent craft beer festival and the expansion of the Saturday Farmers’ Market into evening hours are exciting signs of what downtown Mount Pleasant can become. These events bring people together, support local businesses, and create the kind of vibrant atmosphere that attracts residents and visitors alike.

Mount Pleasant has tremendous potential. With CMU, a strong local business community, and a growing calendar of events, we have all the ingredients for a thriving downtown. The key is to continue building on this momentum by supporting activities that encourage people to gather, shop, dine, and enjoy our city.

The success of these recent events shows that people are eager for opportunities to experience downtown. Let’s keep investing in ideas that make Mount Pleasant a destination and a community we can all be proud of.

Mocking Sun Replies:

Dear Reader,

We agree. Every time Mount Pleasant hosts a beer festival, expands the Farmers’ Market, throws a concert, or puts on an event, people emerge from their homes and remember this town can actually be pretty great.

The city has CMU, local businesses, parks, restaurants, and people who genuinely want to build something fun. The thing Mount Pleasant lacks is confidence.

For years we’ve acted like excitement was something that happened in Grand Rapids. Then we put beer downtown and accidentally discovered civilization.

More of this, please.

Confused grandfather, supposedly elected because of inflation and definitely not racism (wink), announced today that he “loves” price hikes and suggested higher prices on imported goods are actually a good thing.

This has created a small problem for supporters who spent the last several years explaining that inflation was the greatest threat facing civilization, right behind drag queens and library books.

Political scientists are calling it a fascinating development. Voters elected a man to stop inflation, only to discover he apparently thought inflation was the campaign slogan, not the problem.

Sources close to the Current Regime say the president may simply be confused and believes high prices help him get elected. To be fair, the last time inflation was this useful to him, he won an election.

At press time, local supporters were busy explaining that price increases are bad when Democrats do them, but patriotic when they’re caused by wars and tariffs.

Dear Congressman,

Good to see you’ve finally made contact with the district.

For months, constituents have been asking where Milk Carton Moolenaar disappeared to. Turns out the answer was simple: he was hiding in everyone’s mailbox.

Nothing says “this is absolutely not campaign material” like a giant headshot, a list of self-congratulations, and a survey question with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer.

“Do you support stopping the Chinese Communist Party from purchasing American farmland?”

Coming soon:

* Do you support puppies?
* Should criminals be against the law?
* Is breathing generally preferable to not breathing?

The real achievement here is turning taxpayer-funded constituent mail into a campaign brochure while staying just inside the legal lines. It’s like NASCAR. The goal isn’t to follow the spirit of the rules. It’s to scrape the wall at 180 mph without technically crashing.

The best part is the repeated reminder that this was paid for with official congressional funds. We know, John. You put it right on the mailer.

Still no town halls, though.

But at least now we know he’s alive. The missing person case can be downgraded to a wellness check.

Editorial: The Make-A-Wish President’s Next Wish

The Make-A-Wish President had a rough night at Madison Square Garden.

Instead of the standing ovation he undoubtedly imagined on the ride over, Knicks fans greeted him with a chorus of boos loud enough to pe*****te even the thickest layer of self-delusion.

Still, every cloud has a silver lining.

With the FIFA World Cup approaching, the president now has another opportunity to add to his growing collection of participation trophies, honorary accolades, and awards that exist primarily because everyone around him has decided it’s easier to smile and nod.

As readers may recall, the president has already been awarded the prestigious FIFA World Peace Prize, an honor that was apparently bestowed sometime between winning every golf tournament he enters and becoming the greatest dealmaker in human history.

Unfortunately, the whole world peace thing remains a bit of a work in progress.

Which is why The Mocking Sun would like to propose a new award.

The “We Mean World Peace This Time” FIFA Prize.

Unlike the original FIFA World Peace Prize, this one would require actual peace.

A difficult standard, admittedly.

For years, Americans have been told that wars would end instantly if the president were in charge. Foreign leaders would tremble. Enemies would surrender. Diplomacy would flourish.

Instead, we got another conflict, more instability, and a president getting booed by basketball fans while trying to enjoy a courtside photo op.

But perhaps the World Cup can save the day.

Picture it. The cameras are rolling. The crowds are cheering. A giant trophy is wheeled onto the field.

An announcer steps to the microphone.

“Mr. President, before we present the We Mean World Peace This Time FIFA Prize, we just have one question.”

“Did you actually achieve world peace?”

At that point, the entire stadium would likely hear the same answer Knicks fans delivered this week.

Boooooooooooo.