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The RedHawkion is a satirical source of fake news; in no way affiliated with or a reflection of Montclair State University or Rocky the Red Hawk.
The RedHawkion is a satirical student run, student edited, student read source of fake news. All names are meant to be fictitious, or references to real people are entirely made up and exaggerated. The writers of the site intend no malice from their postings. We would like to stress that The RedHawkion is in no way affiliated with Montclair State University. The "Rocky Hawk" which signs the articl
06/26/2021
Freshman Forgot to Get Summer Job, Already Paying Consequences “I just got so caught up in finals and forgot to apply, now all the fun jobs are gone and I’m not working in retail.” This is the claim that Evan Mathews has made regarding his unemployment this su…
06/21/2021
https://theredhawkion.wordpress.com/2021/06/21/recent-grad-totally-crushes-first-interview/
Recent Grad “Totally Crushed” First Interview Hot off her graduation ceremony, recent alum Mackenzie Conklin “totally crushed” her first job interview. The position, paying a whopping $32k a year was for a Scheduling Assistant at a local food…
06/14/2021
https://theredhawkion.wordpress.com/2021/06/14/chill-bro-plays-guitar-on-quad/
Chill Bro Plays Guitar On Quad As the summer weather sets in junior Kyle Lederman begins to pack his belongings to head home for the semester. But one item is packed up in it’s case and transported to the campus quad, his acous…
06/11/2021
Foreign Language Department Replaced with Telemundo After Budget Cuts MSU released a statement announcing it will eliminate all foreign language programs in Fall 2021 due to financial restrictions. Students who wish to pursue Spanish, however, will have the opportuni…
06/09/2021
https://theredhawkion.wordpress.com/2021/06/09/susan-coles-pre-retirement-reflection/
Susan Cole’s Pre-Retirement Reflection The RedHawkion Editors would like to welcome today’s guest contributor, retiring President Susan A. Cole: Hey ya’ll—its your gurl, Suzy Cole. Yes, I’m hanging up the spikes after 23 years at the he…
06/07/2021
Finally, graduation day has arrived. Four years of hard work and hard drinking, it finally all culminates with this ceremony. Your whole family is watching, they even managed to get your grandparents to show up. Holding back the excitement of never having to eat Sam’s again as you listen to whoever they decided to give a commencement speech this year, you notice something. ...
Rocky Red Hawk has Honor Tassels & You Don’t Finally, graduation day has arrived. Four years of hard work and hard drinking, it finally all culminates with this ceremony. Your whole family is watching, they even managed to get your grandpar…
06/04/2021
CELS, Montclair, NJ—Marissa Mascaro, a masters student in the Earth & Environmental Science program, recently put it together that she is “running a $1000 per sample algae analysis on a $120,000 FlowCam about once a week” and that “my advisor charged someone $60k for me to run toxin samples over like 5 days of work”, yet, Ms. Mascaro is “only pulling in $7k a year in through a teaching fellowship”....
Grad Student Performs Analysis Worth 25x her Stipend: CELS, Montclair, NJ—Marissa Mascaro, a masters student in the Earth & Environmental Science program, recently put it together that she is “running a $1000 per sample algae analysis on a $120,00…
06/02/2021
Social Justice Warriors emerged from their safe spaces on Wednesday to go after none other than the Chess Club. “For years we have been seeing these nerds around campus playing their dumb board game, and it’s always the same thing. The white pieces go first. Don’t they understand how racist that is?” said green haired student Desiree Fate. “As if we didn’t get enough lip for being the chess club, it’s the rules!...
Chess Club Cancelled for “White Privilege” Social Justice Warriors emerged from their safe spaces on Wednesday to go after none other than the Chess Club. “For years we have been seeing these nerds around campus playing their dumb board gam…
05/31/2021
It was a trying day for Journalism 101 professor James E. Smith when his class of first-year students got a little too rambunctious. “All hell broke loose the moment I started talking about phoners,” said Smith, referring to industry lingo for phone interviews. “Everyone lost it after one student asked what would happen if his phoner lasted longer than four hours, and that’s when I knew it was time to time to go grammar school on their freshman asses.” Professor Smith has taught Journalism at MSU for three years and has a background in barista training.
Professor Flickers Lights to Suppress Rowdy Freshmen It was a trying day for Journalism 101 professor James E. Smith when his class of first-year students got a little too rambunctious. “All hell broke loose the moment I started talking about phoners…
05/30/2021
Breaking News: We're in grad school now and ready to report on all the stories you need to get you through the day on campus. More to come.
WE BACK. Breaking News: We’re in grad school now and ready to report on all the stories you need to get you through the day on campus. More to come.
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