Almost Like You

Adventure at Brandy’s doesn’t even begin to cover today’s episode. 🐦🐶

We got to Brandy’s house and, thank goodness, I happened to glance through the sliding glass door before unleashing the canine chaos. Staring back at me was a baby robin sitting in the yard. One second later and that poor little thing would have been participating in the HOWA Youth Cross Country Championships against a pack of very enthusiastic predators.

So I went outside by myself to es**rt the tiny feathered idiot to a safer location. Unfortunately, Mom and Dad Robin misunderstood the assignment and immediately launched Operation Air Strike. While I was getting dive-bombed in the head, I was also yelling, “I’M TRYING TO SAVE YOUR BABY!” like some deranged Disney princess.

After surviving the aerial assault, I managed to relocate the baby to the dog-free yard next door where it tucked itself safely into the grass.

Mission accomplished.

Or so I thought.

Then I let the dogs out.

Jacob immediately spotted the bird through the fence and transformed into a complete fool. Suddenly everyone was crowding the fence, staring, plotting, and trying to figure out how to become one with the metal bars. The baby robin remained safely on the other side while the velociraptor K9 committee held an emergency meeting regarding possible extraction methods.

So, Mom and Dad Robin, if you’re reading this, I’d like an apology and perhaps a fruit basket. I saved your child from a yard full of professional bird enthusiasts, endured repeated attacks to the skull, and successfully relocated your baby to safety.

You’re welcome. 😂🐦🐕‍🦺

Well, I looked out across the HOWA yard today,
Saw a momma cat had brought her babies out to play.
They were sippin’ from the water bowl, thinkin’ life was sweet,
Didn’t notice twenty bird dogs eyeballin’ fresh meat.

I hollered, “Come on kitties, y’all better run!”
‘Cause the HOWA dogs are itchin’ to have a little fun.
You can climb that fence, hide under a truck,
But if Jacob spots a tail, well you’re plum outta luck!

🎶
Come on kitties, why don’t you run?
The HOWA dogs are itchin’ to have a little fun.
There’s Vizsla’s, Weims, and GSPs too,
And every single one of ‘em is lookin’ right at you.
🎶

Well the kittens hit the gas and mama hit the trees,
While twelve dogs formed a search party carried by the breeze.
One checked the shed, one checked the gate,
One was supervisin’ from the shade, delegatin’ fate.

Old Boone was pointin’ like he’d found a covey quail,
And another dog was tryin’ to grab somebody by the tail.
I was sprintin’ through the yard yellin’, “Lord, not today!”
Tryin’ to save them kittens from becoming fetch-and-prey.

🎶
Come on kitties, why don’t you run?
The HOWA dogs are itchin’ to have a little fun.
This ain’t no oasis, this ain’t no spa,
This is House of Wayward As****es, y’all!
🎶

Now the cats got away and everybody’s fine,
But I aged about six years in a matter of nine.
So if you’ve got a kitty and you love it quite a lot,
Keep that furry little troublemaker where the dogs are not!

🎶
Come on kitties, why don’t you run?
The HOWA dogs are itchin’ to have a little fun.
And if you hear me yellin’ from the yard once more,
It’s probably ’cause a cat just wandered through the door! 🎶😂🐾🐱🐶

Raindrops are falling on my head,
And I’m hauling ass back home instead.
Vicki said, “Let’s walk,”
I said, “Absolutely not,”
And now I’m dragging her as fast as my little legs can tread.

Raindrops are falling on my nose,
This weather is a crime and everybody knows.
My feet are getting wet,
And I deeply regret
Ever leaving my orthopedic cloud to begin with, I suppose.

Ivy’s Official Weather Report:
If water falls from the sky, even one drop, all walkies are canceled and Vicki should carry me back to the house immediately.

🎵☔👑

Sometimes you look at a picture and have to ask the important questions.

Where did that random gust of wind come from that only affected Boone?

Did Flint secretly learn wizardry and cast Windus Yeetus? Did he huff and puff and try to blow Boone down? Did he unlock some ancient canine spell book and summon a localized windstorm with Boone’s face as the target?

Meanwhile Boone is standing there trying to have a normal conversation while his ears are attempting to achieve flight. Flint, on the other hand, looks completely unaffected, which honestly makes him the prime suspect.

I’m not saying Flint is a wizard, but I’ve never seen a dog look that innocent while another dog’s ears are being launched into the next zip code.

The truth may never be known, but if tennis balls start levitating and squirrels begin disappearing into portals, we’re all going to know exactly who to blame. 😂🌪️🐾🧙‍♂️🐕

Someone, and by someone I mean Mommy Dearest, forgot to tell Pepper that Maya is absolutely NOT a morning person.

Poor Pepper came bouncing over this morning full of sunshine, friendship, and “OMG LET’S PLAY!” energy, only to be met with a look that clearly said:

“Ma’am, it is entirely too early for this bullsh*t.”

The good news is Maya doesn’t need to waste energy on warning growls. Her face handles all official communications. One glance and Pepper got the full memo, the employee handbook, and a written disciplinary notice.

To Pepper’s credit, she seemed genuinely confused that anyone could be offended by her enthusiasm.

To Maya’s credit, she showed incredible restraint and only weaponized her resting bitch face.

Morning roll call at HOWA: one dog running on espresso energy, one dog considering homicide before breakfast. 😂☕🐾

Not many pictures today because this crowd has officially filed a complaint with management about the heat. 🥵

The pool is full. The shade is available. The toys are scattered everywhere. The water bowls are fresh and cold.

The verdict from the dogs?

“Yeah, that’s great and all, but have you considered turning the air conditioning down another three degrees and letting us back inside?”

Every attempt to encourage activity was met with dramatic sighs, slow-motion walking, and expressions that clearly said, “Ma’am, we are athletes, not lizards.”

The fetch toys remain untouched. The pool remains mostly ignored. Half the crew found a shady spot and immediately assumed the position of decorative lawn ornaments, while the others rotated between standing around looking offended and making sure I understood that this weather was a personal attack.

So today’s enrichment activity has been reduced to:
☀️ Walk outside
☀️ Do your business
☀️ Judge the weather
☀️ Request indoor accommodations

Honestly, I can’t blame them. When it’s this hot, even the professional chaos coordinators of HOWA would rather be inside enjoying the AC than participating in any unnecessary nonsense. 😆🐾

Marley and Milo thought they wanted to play outside once they saw Jacob and Luca heading for the deck. They were convinced they were about to miss out on the social event of the century and rushed outside to join the fun.

Then reality hit.

About two minutes later they discovered that even in the shade it felt like the sun had personally declared war on fluffy black-and-white dogs. Suddenly the great outdoor adventure wasn’t looking nearly as appealing as air conditioning and a comfy couch. 😂

We did manage to get a group photo before everyone started melting. Luca, being the tiny little gentleman that he is, stood there looking adorable while the rest of the crew tried their best to hold it together.

Meanwhile, Marley was clearly campaigning for Employee of the Month. While everyone else sat normally, Marley broke out the full meerkat impression and stood on his back legs like he was personally negotiating for extra snack privileges. I don’t know what kind of bonus program he thinks we’re running around here, but judging by that effort, he’s expecting at least three treats and a raise.

The vote was eventually unanimous: outside is overrated, air conditioning is wonderful, and all future meetings should be held indoors until further notice. 🐾🥵🍪

There was absolutely no outdoor playtime for this crew today. Mother Nature cranked the thermostat up to “surface of the sun,” so we switched over to the deluxe indoor entertainment package.

At first, it was indoor fetch. Then it became a heated competition of Musical Fireplace. The objective? Secure one of the coveted cold marble spots in front of the fireplace before somebody else claims it.

Brandy started out with prime real estate and her emotional support lamb. Luca attempted to blend in with the decorative puppy basket, hoping nobody would notice him sneaking closer to the cool tile. Meanwhile, Jacob was busy doing what Jacob does best: turning a calm game of fetch into a full-contact NASCAR event through the living room.

The competition was fierce. Positions were stolen. Side-eyes were exchanged. Personal space was violated. At one point Luca appeared to be conducting a surprise inspection of Brandy’s cooling station to determine if it met official standards.

When it’s 92 degrees outside, picture time stops being “everybody sit pretty and smile for the camera” and turns into whatever fresh chaos this is. 🤦‍♀️☀️

Jacob has apparently decided that standing is overrated and is demonstrating the advanced GSP cooling technique known as dead bugging in the grass. Luca is doing his best to remain civilized and professional, while Chino is sitting there looking like the only employee at work who’s actually trying to hold the meeting together.

Meanwhile, I’ve got one dog upside down, one dog melted into the ground, and one dog wondering why he’s surrounded by idiots.

Summer photos at HOWA: where the dogs are hot, the grass is crunchy, and dignity is no longer part of the program. 😂🐾🌡️