The Newspaper

Have you heard of the marvelous animal called the ferret? Fun, cuddly, vengeful...the ferret has it all. How would you like to be one? The Newspaper is returning very VERY soon, and needs distributors. The role is rewarding, exciting, and challenging-our paper needs to be spread like a glorious case of swine flu, and we need your hands to do it.
If you're interested in distribution, send an e-mail with the code word "ferrets" in the subject line to [email protected]. Also include your social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

Like many a proverbial mixtape, Issue Two drops tomorrow! However, when you are finished with your Newspaper, don't just drop it on the floor. Give it to a friend. Spread the joy.

Readers! The Newspaper has a problem that you (yes, you!) can fix. Put simply, we need distributors. My sources tell me that only a few West students were seen handing out Issue One, and The Newspaper wants to reach as many people as possible.

If you're interested in distribution, send an e-mail with the code word "ferrets" in the subject line to [email protected].

It's been a long time, but The Newspaper hopes that you'll be glad to see its familiar face in Volume Three, Issue One this Tuesday!

DISCLAIMER: The Newspaper's face is strictly metaphorical; as usual, Volume Three, Issue One will be composed of text.

Issue 11 comes out tomorrow! Most newspapers only go up to 10...The Newspaper goes to 11.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EbVKWCpNFhY

Spinal Tap - 11 Clip from the movie spinal tap where they talk about the amps that go to 11..

“Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. For unto you is published this day in the city of Madison a Newspaper, which is Issue the Tenth." - Jason 2:11

Oh, and you'd like to know The Newspaper's second favorite verse from the religious text of your choosing or the secular equivalent thereof? Let's consult the Book of Armaments...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOrgLj9lOwk

Monty Python-Holy Hand Gr***de "...and the breakfast cereals..."

In tomorrow's Issue 9, The Newspaper celebrates the wonders of technology! Where would civilization be today without such brilliant creations as the Roomba and videos of cats?

Kittens Riding a Roomba Vacuum This is a hilarious video of kittens riding on one of those automatic vacuum cleaners.

In the last 30 days, has the administration at your school pressured you into taking a lengthy, mind-numbing survey full of awkwardly personal questions? If so, you have won a free copy of Issue 8 tomorrow!

Unlike a certain other internationally beloved and acclaimed franchise, The Newspaper will not be splitting its seventh chapter into two installments, so it's really all or nothing if you want to get your hands on Issue 7 tomorrow. Don't take any chances.

Issue Number Six out tomorrow! If you're a cricket fan, you know that sixes tend to be a good thing. However, since you're not a cricket fan, just ignore that joke and pick up a copy of The Newspaper! It may even have a joke in it to make up for the one you missed out on. (Or maybe even two jokes, since The Newspaper really tried hard this week.)

Issue 5 comes out tomorrow! The Newspaper is not the gambling type, but if The Newspaper was to wager on the likelihood of humorous content appearing in tomorrow's edition, The Newspaper would follow the advice of the gentlemen in this video and put 5 on it.

Luniz - I got 5 on it Virgin Records America (P) 2006 Virgin Records America, Inc.. All rights reserved. Unauthorized reproduction is a violation of applicable laws. Manufactured ...

The Newspaper is just as excited for the Super Bowl as you are, but being a West High publication, The Newspaper never actually got around to hiring a sports staff. Fortunately, everyone's favorite EDitorialist, our own Ed Holmes, has volunteered to tweet live reports from the game tonight. Enjoy!

Twitter Sign up for Twitter to follow Ed Holmes (). All the latest EDlines — my thoughts, ideas, and musings. [Note: for comedic purposes only.]