ThrivePointe Indiana Counseling

Dr. Becky Kennedy writes, "Many parents see behavior as the measure of who are kids are, rather than using behavior as a clue to what our kids might need. What if we saw behavior as an expression of needs, not identity?" Once we start watching for needs, it puts a new lens on the sometimes frustrating or strange behavior we see from our kids, and gives us options to respond in ways that build connection and meet the need driving the behavior. Here’s a short list of behaviors and possible underlying needs to get you thinking. Once you know what you’re watching for, it’s time to get creative about new ways to support your child.

Behaviors & Possible Underlying Needs:

Whining, Baby Talk, or Clinginess
Need for comfort, gentle support, or close contact

Aggression
Need to discharge stress, jealousy, safety to feel difficult feelings

Meltdowns/Explosive Reactions
Needing connection before problem solving, support with emotional regulation, exhaustion

Defiance
Need for autonomy, control, predictability

Perfectionism
Needing unconditional support for help with fear of failure or rejection, protection from shame

Attention-Seeking Behavior
Need for connection, reassurance, belonging, co-regulation

Lying
Need for strong attachment messages to help with fear of disconnection and shame

“When we have kids, we are confronted with so many truths about ourselves, our childhoods, and our relationships with our families of origin.” Parenting is a season of intense growth, discovery, and juggling demands and priorities. It’s normal to have moments of deep pride in ourselves and our children, as well as moments of self-doubt, overwhelm, or flat-out exasperation and anger. You’re not alone in these experiences.

Take a note from Dr. Becky’s playbook, and give yourself a moment of self-compassion:

"I am both working on myself and working to take care of my family. I'm trying to rewire the patterns that do not benefit me and I'm trying to wire my kids, from the start, for resilience and feeling at home in themselves. Wow. I am doing so much."

Every summer, our team picks a book to read together... our own little ThrivePointe Book Club! In our August team meeting, we’ll huddle up to process the personal and professional insights and growth this book inspired.

This summer we’re reading Good Inside, by Dr. Becky Kennedy. This is a parenting book and it’s also about how we understand people, respond to distress, and show up in hard moments. We’ll share some insights with you along the way!

Seeing people as “good inside” matters because it helps us bring out the best in ourselves, our kids, and other people around us. It also helps us address tough moments in ways that strengthen relationships.

"All good decisions start with feeling secure in ourselves and in our environment, and nothing feels more secure than being recognized for the good people we truly are."

Do you ever feel like your reactions are “too big” for the situation, even when part of you knows you’re safe? Maybe a small mistake makes you feel like a failure. Maybe criticism hits hard, conflict feels overwhelming, or you suddenly feel emotionally small, ashamed, frozen, or panicked in ways you can’t fully explain. You may find yourself people-pleasing, overthinking, shutting down, or carrying a harsh inner critic no matter how hard you try to “logic” your way out of it.

These emotional and nervous system patterns often trace back to painful experiences, attachment wounds, chronic stress, or survival responses. These patterns can show up as perfectionism, intense self-doubt, emotional overwhelm, difficulty trusting yourself, or feeling constantly on alert.

Our therapists use a variety of evidence-based approaches to help people move beyond insight alone by working with emotional experiences, nervous system responses, and deeply rooted beliefs about self-worth, safety, shame, and connection. Using approaches such as DARRT, EFIT, MSC, and more; our goal is to help you feel more grounded, emotionally safe, connected to yourself, and able to respond to life with greater flexibility and confidence.

Perfectionism is a double-edged sword. While many of us take pride in the label, it can have very destructive effects as well. What’s the difference between a health perfectionist and someone who’s caught in maladaptive patterns? Flexibility, resilience, and self-compassion are some of the key features of those who both set high standards, and bounce back from failure so they can continue working towards their goals and living in ways aligned with their values and standards. If you’re caught in more rigid patterns of impossible standards, fears of other people finding out about your imperfections, overwork, or complete shut down — the best thing you can do is seek support. Therapy can help you develop new capacities so your life can embrace the paradox of excellence and imperfection.

Trauma is the experience of being overwhelmed by deeply distressing events — and it can be physical or psychological. Your body does what it can to protect you through threatening moments, but sometimes symptoms linger and interfere with your life. Even though you are safe now, your body is reacting as though it is back in an unsafe situation. Traumatic effects are not something you asked for or something you can control. Your brain and body are designed to prioritize survival and develop instinctive anticipatory patterns meant to protect us. Each symptom represents a way your brain and body adapted to a threatening experience. The goal with trauma is not to forget, but to recover from the negative effects trauma has on your life. We can help you understand the aftermath of traumatic events on your life and develop a path forward where trauma does not define you and take over your life.