Empty Nester Agent

Why I Hate The DMV Instructor Who Failed My Daughter

It’s been over three years since my husband died. I’ve now had enough experience as a widow to know that people truly don’t know what to say when they hear about his death. It’s awkward, unexpected, and simply, very sad. I can handle it, though. I’m an adult.

My daughter on the other hand, is in the throes of teenage-dom. Emotions seem to run high all the time. All I have to do is sneeze in public to make her feel self-conscious and not just embarrassed, but mortified. When Kylie Jenner’s new lipstick became available, you’d think my daughter won the lottery. When the color she wanted wasn’t available however, you’d think there was a death in the family. Well… She’s growing up without her dad.
[When Teens Learn to Drive: One Mom’s Survival Story]
At thirteen years old, she still called him daddy when he died. I think she still would. She reached a teenaged milestone recently when she got her driver’s license. She got the permit, no problem, but the actual driving test wasn’t so easy. Nerves got the best of her, she panicked and made an error so egregious that it was an automatic fail. When she and the driving test instructor pulled back into the DMV, where I was a nervous wreck myself, I knew it was bad news. They said the test would take about twenty minutes, they had been gone all of about five.
When I got back into the car, I heard exactly what happened. Through her tears she confessed that she was nervous and screwed up. When I asked if the instructor offered any constructive criticism, my daughter said, “Yes, she said I shouldn’t drive with you anymore, she says Moms are too easy on their kids. She said from now on, I should drive with my Dad!”
Now obviously, this instructor had no idea of our situation. But really, in this day and age, who would make such a senseless comment? Families, especially here in Los Angeles, come in a variety of shapes and sizes. There are single moms, single dads, same-s*x couples… to suggest that a child learn to drive with their dad is not only s*xist, but ignorant, too! I’m sure this woman didn’t mean to be cruel, but she had been.
[Why Teaching our Teens to Drive Drives Us Crazy]
I wanted to get out of the car, get in her face, and school her over her insensitivity. Yeah, my daughter should drive with her dad. Thanks for the suggestion! That was the plan all along, but then he died! I was enraged but didn’t want to leave my daughter as she sat sobbing in the driver’s seat, feeling like a failure, concerned over what she would tell her friends, and also, possibly, feeling the loss of her father, as if she needed a reminder.
Who knows, had my child told that instructor why she couldn’t drive with her dad, maybe she would have passed her out of guilt for saying something so stupid. While I am more than happy to play the widow card in any given situation, my daughter will often say nothing. When people hear that her dad passed away, they feel bad and don’t know what to say. Then my daughter feels bad that they feel bad…. For her, the loss is personal and private. She wants people to know, but doesn’t necessarily want to talk about or draw attention to it. If and when she feels like it, she’ll have her own stories to tell one day.
When the next driving test was scheduled a month later, a close family friend took her to the DMV. We all thought it best that I stay home that morning – which I did, pacing, staring at the clock, trying to distract myself from the test, the test, The Test! Finally they called with the good news. We were all ecstatic. Okay, I actually cried. My daughter then mentioned that she saw the instructor who failed her. She said she wanted to saunter past her with a “Ha, ha, ha!” Instead, she waited on line for her license – thrilled and relieved. Of course, she wasn’t happy with her driver’s license photo, but that’s another story. She really is an excellent driver. I know her daddy would be proud.
Related:
I’m a Single Mom and I Want My Daughter to Fire Me, Please!
6 Things I Want My High School Junior to Know
Turns, Out, I’m the One Making Junior Year More Difficult Than It Has to Be
Melissa Gould lives in Los Angeles, CA with her teenage daughter and neurotic dog. She’s been writing about her young widow experience for The Los Angeles Times, The Washington Post, Kveller, The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, and more. Find her and www.wid owish.com .
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Why I Hate The DMV Instructor Who Failed My Daughter The DMV instructor had no idea of our situation but to suggest that a child learn to drive with their dad is not only s*xist, but ignorant, too!

STDs: What Parents (Might Not Want to But) Need to Know

Dear Parent, right out of the gate, here’s a content warning. Reading this article may make you feel a little squeamish, awkward and uncomfortable. That’s kind of the point. Too many of us are being cowardly and need to be called out. Pause for a second, take a few slow, deep breaths, but stay with me – this is important. We need to talk about S*xually Transmitted Diseases – STDs – for short.

Let’s start at the root of the issue and briefly go back in time to think about our own childhood experiences. Picture yourself as a 12-year-old and imagine the word “s*x” being spoken aloud in your house. Would the feeling in the room have been one of casual conversation and open discussion, or would all eye contact suddenly cease and the topic abruptly change to leave you feeling like any adult in the room hadn’t actually heard the word? For most of us, the latter scenario was our reality. We were left to watch vague films in school, handed a pamphlet of some sort or set free to uncover the “facts” from our friends – talk about fake news!
My childhood experience was definitely the norm – a couple tidbits about anatomy thrown out, albeit never using the correct anatomical terms, and a small, pink booklet about “Becoming a Woman” passed to me with a box of feminine products. End of story, with message received: We really don’t wanna talk about s*x or anything related to it.
[More on How to Talk About S*x With Daughters here]
Fast forward to my late twenties – when my thirst for accurate, medical knowledge blossomed right along with my belly, pregnant for the first time. I became fascinated with all things pregnancy and birth, and ended up becoming a certified childbirth educator. Now it was my turn to be the adult in the room talking about s*x out loud, and I assumed everyone who entered my hospital classroom would be up to the task – they were after all, visible proof of some s*xual activity.
The level of embarrassment was still sky-high when it came to certain details, and terminology was a struggle for many. Ironically, my first years of teaching were when my husband was still on active military duty. Almost all of the fathers in my classes were part of a nearby combat arms brigade. These were tough men, many of whom had fought in Iraq, yet they could not bring themselves to say the word “vagina” out loud. After a few series of classes, I realized I needed to start off the first night with some comical, ice-breaker anatomy chants, and the relief was palpable.
I experienced the stark realization that when people are encouraged and given permission to be curious, humorous and honest about the basics of s*x – with no shame or judgement – communication begins to flow beautifully. Sometimes we all need a plain and simple reminder that every human alive on the planet today is here because someone had s*x – or masturbated. It’s a normal and healthy part of life –wait, it IS life.
[All My Son Needs to Know About S*x and Being a Good Man]
Today, we live in the age of erectile dysfunction commercials, dating apps and quick hook-ups. Yet many of us are still too uncomfortable to talk to our kids about s*xual health, or we wait way too long to begin the conversations. We either leave it to teachers and coaches in schools, who don’t have nearly enough time to talk about all that needs to be discussed, or we live in a state of semi-denial and hope the kids will eventually figure it out via Google. If we abstain from talking about it, perhaps our kids will abstain from doing it! The more proactive parents hope that leaving a box of condoms in their son’s room, or bringing their daughter to the doctor for birth control pills will be the beginning and end of their involvement.
When it comes to simply preventing pregnancy, these tactics seem to be working. According to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, “between 1991 and 2015, the teen birth rate declined by an impressive 64% nationwide. It has declined in all 50 states and among all racial/ethnic groups.” This is great news, although our teen birth rate is still higher than that of many other developed nations.
What is not great news is that rates of s*xually transmitted diseases (STDs) are at an all-time high, with young people and gay and bis*xual men at greatest risk for becoming infected. 2015 was the second year in a row in which increases were seen in all three nationally reported STDs – chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimates that “nearly 20 million new s*xually transmitted infections occur every year in this country, half among young people aged 15–24, and account for almost $16 billion in health care costs.”
Another alarming fact: while medication for gonorrhea has been available for decades, the bacteria has grown resistant to nearly every drug ever used to treat it – only one recommended treatment option remains. Dr. Jonathan Mermin of the CDC acknowledges that
Embarrassment, along with limited access to testing, plays a large role in prevention and treatment of STDs for many Americans. When left untreated, these infections can cause chronic pelvic pain, blindness, inability to have children, increased risk of getting HIV, stillbirths, and permanent malformations in newborns.
The complexities of discussing s*xual health with our kids is that we must also address issues like oral and a**l s*x, and same-s*x partner behaviors. Periodic, confidential sampling conducted by the National Survey of Family Growth shows sustained increases in oral and a**l s*x rates starting in 2002, when both men and women ages 15-44 began survey participation.
The reality is that infections can be transmitted from any kind of s*xual conduct involving ge****ls, and there are some risks even if condoms are being used. Kids need evidence-based facts.
Parents seem to do a much better job with talking about their moral and ethical concerns when discussing the broad topic of relationships with their children. It goes without saying that this is vital and should always be a part of the ongoing discussions. Where most of us fall flat is with the details of staying physically healthy. We often choose to forget that s*x is one of the basic human biological drives, along with hunger, thirst and sleep. Imagine if the total nutritional advice we gave our children was a simplistic, “Eat when you are hungry – but be careful!”
So, if up until today, you’ve been one of the many embarrassed parents, what steps can you take now?
5 Ways to Talk to Your Teen About STDs and S*xual Health

Whether your child is 12 or 20, arrange a first discussion – preferably where eye contact is minimal. Start off with acknowledgement that it’s going to be awkward, hopefully a bit humorous, but free of judgement and solely focused on their health. Key attitude: S*x is normal! Let them know they can ask you anything now and going forward, and you will help them find answers if you don’t know. (See the resources below.)
If you have any reason to even suspect your child is s*xually active, make sure they see a doctor, have access to birth control, and have them get tested for STDs. If you can’t stomach the details, tell the doctor beforehand that you’d like a longer appointment so there’s time for them to talk in greater detail with your child.
Emphasize the extreme importance of always being completely honest with health care providers. I often remind my kids that medical professionals have seen and heard it ALL! Even if it is not offered to your child, suggest the option of talking to the doctor without you present, especially if you suspect they aren’t being honest with you. Isn’t their health as important as any control issues you may have as their parent?
Talk often about how alcohol and drugs alter decision-making when it comes to s*x of any kind. S*xual health and history needs to be discussed with a potential partner when both involved are sober and honest. Mutual consent is a must. Yep – if you’re not mature enough to talk about it, you really shouldn’t be doing it.
Highlight the fact that decisions made about s*x today can significantly affect someone’s health far into the future. As with learning to drive a car, emphasizing safety can be achieved without undue fear.

If you’re a parent who already openly discusses s*xual health with your kids – thank you. If you’re not, but you’ve read this far – pat yourself on the back, and get talking.
Here are some helpful resources for both parents and teens. Encourage your kids to follow a couple of these sites on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook or Tumbler.
Division of Adolescent and School Health
National Center for HIV/AIDS, Viral Hepatitis, STD, and TB Prevention
MTV It’s Your (S*x) Life
Scarleteen
S*x, etc.
Related:
All College Freshmen Get Sick: Here’s Why
10 Essential Things About S*x I Want My Daughters to Know
Health Care for College Kids: How to Prepare for Freshman Year
The post STDs: What Parents (Might Not Want to But) Need to Know appeared first on Grown and Flown .

STDs: What Parents (Might Not Want to But) Need to Know If you’re a parent who already openly discusses s*xual health and STDs with your kids – thank you. If not, here's a way to begin the conversation.

21 Absolutely Fabulous High School Graduation Gifts for Girls

It’s almost time for gradation and, since there is no way to stop the clock from ticking toward the big day, we are here to provide you with a little diversion – our high school graduation gifts for girls. With a mix of both traditional and some new ideas for the soon-to-be grads in your life, we hope you will find just the inspiration you need. And, if you are looking for our graduation gifts for guys, here they are.
High School Graduation Gifts for Girls
Necklace
We have fallen in love with Monica Rich Kosann jewelry and, in particular, this sterling necklace that can be customized with one or several rings . Both elegant and trendy, each ring in engraved with a subtle message of encouragement making this is a high school graduation gift your daughter will always remember.

Do Your Laundry or You’ll Die Alone: Advice Your Mom Would Give if She Thought You Were Listening
There is one reason why we have DYL on our list this year – it is simply one of our very favorite graduation gifts for girls . Written and illustrated by Becky Blades, Do Your Laundry includes all the wisdom you want to impart to your daughter, but with Becky’s witty and heartfelt words and gorgeous illustrations. The best part? The last few pages are blank, ready for you to add your unique send-off to the girl who stole your heart 17 years ago.

Minted Pin Board
Your daughter will want to have a cute way to display pics of her friends and family while she’s at college and we think these framed Minted Pinboards are the way to go. There are eight sizes and ten designs, or you can create a custom look, mixing and matching the frame and fabric to match your daughter’s taste.

Instant Printer
The HP Sprocket Portable Photo Printer is way for your daughter to print pictures wirelessly from her phone. She can begin to add photos of her new college friends alongside her high school ones on that pinboard.
Laptop Backpack
No one wants to go to college with their grimy high school backpack, complete with crumbs in the bottom pouch. This brand, Fjallraven is super durable, lightweight, water-resistant, and holds a 15″ laptop in a padded section. There are gorgeous colors, too.
Financial Literacy
Pay for an hour with a financial advisor to sit with your daughter to review her college loan package, help plan a budget for school and learn to take a more responsible view of money. Or consider buying the Official Money Guide for COLLEGE STUDENTS and go through it together. This would be a high ROI and among the smartest high school graduation gifts you could buy your daughter.
Virtual Assistant
Having a VA to help your daughter wake up, give her the forecast and turn on her music while she gets dressed – all with voice commands – is just the tip of the functionality iceberg with either of these two devices:
Echo Dot
Google Home
Target sells Google Home and we hear amazing things about their entry into the VA marketplace.
Rain Boots
If your daughter does not already have a good pair of rainboots, now is the time to invest in a some and Hunter Tall Boots are our favorites for durability and classic style. They come in loads of different colors as do the Hunter Socks that make the boots much more comfy and warm.
Graduation Bracelet
This Alex and Ani bangle bracelet, with Class of 2017 charms, comes in a silver or gold finish. Your daughter can choose different charms or layer on other bracelets as her world expands throughout her college years.
Dorm Safe
For a wallet, passport, meds, or nice jewelry, we like the Sentry Compact Safe since it’s small and has a cable that can be looped around a heavy piece of furniture. Mini Iron
This clever little Compact Touch-Up and Travel Iron is the smartest and smallest ironing device we have ever seen. It’s compact size makes it dorm-appropriate for girls who prefer to look crisp rather than just-rolled-out-of-bed .
Necklace
We are smitten with Dogeared necklaces and truly impressed by all the wonderful messages that come with each one. For memorable high school graduation gifts, choose one in the shape of your home state or take a look at the Going Places Compass Disc.
Stackable Rings
Are you familiar with the Nelle & Lizzy brand? They have loads of clever pieces but their Stackable Alpha Dot and Birthstone Rings caught our eye. They can be ordered with birthstones or the colors of your daughter’s new school. And, yes, this Fort Worth jewelry company has state of Texas charm, too.
Electric Kettle
When your daughter wants to boil water for a cup of tea or cup of noodles, electric kettles are super-speedy. Look for one that’s unbreakable and comes with an automatic cut-off like this one in a bright red by Bodum. Available in 34 and 17 capacity, there are other colors, too.
Fan
All dorm rooms are stuffy with two people living in such close quarters. If your daughter is attending school in the south, the fall and spring months can be uncomfortably hot, especially in older, un-airconditioned dorms. The Vornado Personal Air Circulator would be a welcome addition to the dorm room.
Socks
Regardless of how careful kids are with laundry, they will quickly face a day where they have only mismatched socks left in their drawer, best case, which makes socks THE perfect gift for all college kids. We have fallen in love with the story behind these Note to Self socks. With a positive word to remind your daughter how wonderful she is, you might want to buy a dozen to be ready for the college care packages in your future.
“Roommate-Cancelling” Headphones
Consumer Reports gives the Bose Noise Cancelling Headphones its highest marks. Your daughter will be incredibly grateful that you purchased these headphones once she moves into a noisy dorm.
Bluetooth Speaker
On the other hand, when she wants to crank up the music, the JBL Flip 3 Portable Bluetooth Speaker has excellent audio quality, is splash proof, and is under $100.
Battery Charger
Your daughter’s best safety device is a charged phone and, when she is on the go all day long as a college student, having one of these small, lightweight battery chargers in her backpack to plug her phone into is invaluable. Take a look at the Jackery External Battery Charger , a super popular model and we like the gold color!
Desk Lamp
Being a good roommate means keeping quiet and lowering the lights when your roomie is trying to sleep. An LED Desk Lamp with a USB Charging Port will make it a little easier for your daughter to keep studying even after her roommate is asleep.

Dorm Essentials
Looking for high school graduation gifts for girls that a college-bound kid will definitely use this fall? Read 10 Things All Freshmen Need to Bring to College and consider some of these suggestions, all good, all different price points.
1. Twin XL Sheets… Amazon Basics or BrookLinen
2. Bed Topper… Egg Crate Ventilated Foam Mattress Topper or Memory Foam Mattress Topper
3. Bed Encasement… Twin XL SureGuard Mattress Encasement or Bed Bug Barrier Mattress and Pillow Protector
4. Pillows… Down Alternative or Goose Feather and Down Pillow
5. Laundry hamper… Pop-Up Mesh Laundry Hamper or Laundry Backpack
6. First Aid Kit … Transparent Sundry Kit
7. Shower Caddy… Hanging Mesh Shower Caddy
8. Towels… Cotton 6-Piece Towel Set or Monogrammed
9. Surge Protector… Surge Protector with 4 USB Ports
Gift cards to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and The Container Store are always great ideas for high school graduation gifts. They can shop for essentials and storage crates ( once they know more about their dorms ) and have them shipped to the stores closest to their schools if they are going far away.
Haven’t found what you want yet? Here’s more:
Great Graduation Gift Ideas for High School Seniors – Lots!
Best High School Graduation Gifts 2017, part 1
Best High School Gradation Gifts 2017, part 2
Note: We receive small amounts of compensation from purchases made through Amazon and other affiliate links in this post. This helps us pay for the content on our site – thanks!
Photo credit Hunter boots: Lara V
The post 21 Absolutely Fabulous High School Graduation Gifts for Girls appeared first on Grown and Flown .

21 Absolutely Fabulous High School Graduation Gifts for Girls There's no way to stop the clock from ticking toward the big day, so here's a nice diversion - our favorite high school graduation gifts for girls.

This is The Moment: Spring Break and Everyone Under One Roof Again

My son is home from college for spring break .
Everyone is back under one roof (all of them currently sleeping) but we’re all together, and it instantly feels like all is right with the world again.
When he left I didn’t grasp what a big deal this would start becoming. The week he left for college I recall talking with my neighbor (a retired mother of four and grandmother to a ton. I think she is starting to lose count of grandchildren now.) She said, “Once the first one goes , then ever so quickly, they all just start leaving one by one.”


She is right. A year from now another kid will leave, then a few years after that the next. And then the last one.
[Why you Need to Spoil Your High School Senior here.]
Knee deep in diapers, tantrums, board books, and snotty noses I was begging for all of them to just hurry up, grow up, and MOVE OUT.
Now I count the long, worried nights until they are all back under one roof. My roof.
I know these times of all of us together will become fewer and fewer. I can feel it now, when it’s just the six of us, how we all fit right back into step, and yet somehow we don’t. I am knowing them less and less, and like the speed at which kids outgrow shoes, these young adults are slowly outgrowing my home. And honestly, that’s a very good problem to have.
Knowing the days are numbered , the days of all these boys splayed out in their beds sleeping heavily on a Sunday morning, puts life instantly into perspective. None of the minutiae and worry of day-to-day life really matters, does it? The social media nonsense, politics, piles of dirty dishes and unanswered emails, the to-do lists and yard work, job deadlines and teacher conferences. It just life filler.
The real moments?
Well, one is about to happen here in a few minutes, when all of my sons wake up and spill into the kitchen. Long gone are the padded pajama feet and pee-soaked morning diapers, and little people who can’t reach the milk. Instead, deep voiced dudes will walk in needing a shave and a cup of coffee. How on Earth that happened I have no idea, but I’m gonna cherish pouring him a cup and making breakfast for everyone again, because I know mornings like this, with everyone here and together, will forever now be few and far between. *Sigh.
Hug your little dudes this morning, and the big ones? Hug them harder.
Related:
Spring Break Nightmare: What This Mom Wants Other Parents to Know
To the Dad With the Little Boy Picking Flowers
How to Make Your Next College Care Package Your Best Yet

Melissa Fenton is a freelance writer and adjunct librarian. Find her writing all over the internet, but her work mostly on the dinner table. She is on Facebook at 4BoysMother and on twitter at .

The post This is The Moment: Spring Break and Everyone Under One Roof Again appeared first on Grown and Flown .

This is the Moment: Spring Break and Everyone Under One Roof Again It's the first morning of spring break for my college kid and soon, a deep voiced dude will walk into the kitchen needing a shave and a cup of coffee.