Connecthrulove

This statement came from a page that speaks to the experiences of foster and adoptive families. I wanted to write a kind of defense about why this vital information had not been given for so long to prospective foster and adoptive families. Not only were my children’s father and I not given this information when we first adopted 54 years ago, I never relayed the information to families I worked with before prior to 2010. It wasn’t relayed or taught because we didn’t have the information.

“The majority of families who foster and adopt are never told about Complex Trauma and Reactive Attachment Disorder. Families are told children are resilient and love will heal all. This is one of the biggest lies in the Foster are and Adoptive Communities.”

It is very true that prospective foster and adoptive families should be educated (no…SUBMERSED in) education about trauma and its effects on the brain, body and behavior. And part of that education and training should be self reflection about one’s own trauma history. It shouldn’t be and doesn’t doesn’t have to be a deciding factor for a placing agency, but the prospective parents (foster and/or adoptive) should understand their own histories and the possible triggers that might be pulled by a child who comes into care with trauma histories.

And no, we didn’t tell or prepare prospective parents about trauma and its effects until recently. We didn’t…because we didn’t know then what we know now, we weren’t keeping it a secret or thinking that if they knew they wouldn’t foster or adoptive families should. The first seminal book was The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk published 12(!!!!!) years ago and the other seminal piece is The Deepest Well by Nadine Burke Harris published 8(!!!!!) years ago. And the first major study of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) findings was published only 28 years ago and was based on the data collected from 17,000 adults in San Diego over a two year period. But now we do know and all prospective foster and adoptive parents should know as should all who began fostering years ago and went through training of course, but training then did NOT include a physiological and psychological body and brain based component. Now we know and it should be taught to new parents and that knowledge constantly reinforced with seasoned foster and adoptive parents and to the workers in the child welfare field.

I was asked by a colleague if I knew of any parent support groups in the Indianapolis area for parents who have adopted internationally. My colleague is working with the parents but is not herself aware of any group/groups. If you have information you can reply here or send me an email with information at: [email protected] Thank you!

This posting was written by Kristi Saul 10+years ago. And the only thing I would add is that I would hope our foster care/adoption agencies and our departments of Child and Family Services would hand this out to ALL prospective, AND seasoned, foster and adoptive parents:

“Lifted" directly from Kristi Saul of the Adoption Parenting Inner Circle: I am going to make copies and give it as a handout to the parents, foster and adoptive with whom I work. It is the reason, I believe that behavioral therapy does not work long term, rewards and/or consequences do not heal.
.."When parenting children who have experienced pre-birth and early life complex trauma, being the calm in the storm is crucial and at times difficult. Their storms can trigger our own storms. Their early life experiences can lead them to being so sensitive to stress, rejection, abandonment, and at times terror because they feel their survival is threatened. At deep level they literally feel their life is in danger.

Trauma does this.

Trauma can lend a person to feeling that their life is being threatened even when the threat is no longer present. When our children are triggered in this place of terror or when their fears of abandonment, rejection, and shame are activated, it can trigger the same feelings in us. Their wounds can open our own raw fears, terrors, and insecurities. Sometimes they come at us with foul, hurtful language. They push us away with attitude and threat, and sometimes physical aggression, property destruction and self-harm. Finding the space within our hearts to witness their pain, to accept them where they are, and to embrace their reality, all the while maintaining our own internal peace, is challenging to say the least. Sometimes it feels like they come at us, the very ones who are trying to love them, with full on assault. They curse us, as we try to create safety and shelter from the storm. They fight us when we try to hug or touch. The level of injury and distrust that trauma creates is deep in the heart of these children. I find myself saying, "defended tender hearts," as I listen to the stories of children who have experienced early life complex trauma.

Many people don’t believe parents when they tell these stories. Many think punishment will put an end to these behaviors. Many blame parents and say things like “if you were more consistent in your consequences this behavior would end.” I’m here to tell you most parents raising children who have experienced early life complex trauma are the most dedicated, consistent, dependable, committed parents you could ask for. What most do not understand is how pre-birth and early life trauma changes the brain. I'm perplexed at how society continues to misunderstand this. We can have understanding for a war veteran who is terrorized at night, or avoidant of loud noises and other things that resemble their traumatic experiences; yet we somehow expect children, babies at heart, to connect, relate, trust, love, reciprocate relationship whe n their early life experience was marinated in trauma; being beaten for crying, left with tiny boken bones and head injuries, being used for adult sexual gratification, born drug addicted because of a mother drug use, having rarely been held in safe arms, having felt the pain of hunger over days, being left to cry until there are no more tears and no one to soothe. This is real. These are the wounds our babies have survived."

In light of the news that a school has banned an autistic child from attending field trips, I feel the need to say something about this. There are boys and girls that no one invites to birthdays for example. There are kids who want to be part of a team, but they don’t get picked because winning is more important than taking care of each other and the value of the “everyone can participate” philosophy. Children with special needs are neither rare nor strange, they just want what everyone else wants... to be accepted for who they are!
Can I ask you a question? Is anyone willing to copy and paste this post on their wall without sharing, as I did, for a friend or a loved one? If so, thank you for showing the world that you care!!😊

So excited to post this info about a new program for caretakers and their toddlers at the Flourish Community Hub. We, the former Institute for Community and Family Resilience, were able to help fund this program that speaks to community helping families build resiluence which was the mission of our organization.

NEW HUB PROGRAM ALERT!!!

✨ Together Time – Weekly Parent & Toddler Play Group (Ages 2–3) ✨

Looking for a fun, free way to connect with your toddler and meet other parents in the community?
Together Time is a FREE weekly play group designed for toddlers and their caregivers to build community and connect through play.

🧸 What to expect:
✔ Guided play
✔ Sensory-based activities
✔ Social interaction for toddlers
✔ Encouragement and support for parents

👶 Who it’s for:
Children ages 2–3 and their parents or caregivers

📍 Where:
Flourish Community Hub
3935 Cleveland St., Gary, IN

🕙 When:
Wednesdays at 10:00 AM
Starting February 25, 2026

💚 Come play, connect, and grow together at the Flourish Community Hub!

Click the link below to register for each week.

https://m.signupgenius.com/?fbclid=IwdGRjcAQDHQlleHRuA2FlbQIxMQBzcnRjBmFwcF9pZAo2NjI4NTY4Mzc5AAEerDur3uMl0Xkk9Nyd3Lm-XLMBW0katn0EyJLrZyqAvpsFkzTeHLxtP-G_YyM_aem_3cx-qZ5Nc8A2zhjZRm7aGA #!/showSignUp/10C0449AEAB2DA6F9C52-62106326-weekly

m.signupgenius.com

Check out the latest stories on Stories from the Adoption Circle: The Blog at https:theadoptioncircle.org

To share your story as an adoptee, a birth parent, an adoptive parent, a sibling, a relative, a godparent, or a "connected other": CASA, connected professional, etc. go to the top of the page of The Blog and click on Submit Your Story.

Check out the latest blog post of Stories from the Adoption Circle by an adoptee on: theadoptioncircle.org

As teachers, administrators, and other school staff you may see challenging behaviors in the school setting. What is seen on the surface just might reflect what is underneath, i.e. what is unseen that may be driving behavior.

In an article in Psychology Today, Jeanette Yoffe, author of "What's Your Name and Who's Your Daddy," Jeanette Yoffe poses the very question that many adoptive parents have asked themselves only after the fact. When instead it should have been an up front, prior to "signing up" for adoptive parenthood. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-inner-life-of-foster-care/202511/is-adoption-for-you
The 10 questions for prospective adoptive parents: 1. Can you handle the truth about trauma? 2. Are you adopting to heal yourself or help a child heal? 3. Can you embrace a child's story and not erase it? 4. Are you comfortable with the unknown? 5. Can you handle rejection, without personalizing it? 6. Will you keep the adoption conversation open? Can you manage your expectations about gratitude? 8. Are you ready to partner with birth family or community when possible? 9. Are upi ready to face several biases and cultural differences? 10. Can you commit to lifelong learning?

Is Adoption for You?
Jeanette Yoffe is a well-known psychotherapist specializing in foster care and adoption. Jeanette wrote a piece in our "Stories from the Adoption Circle" entitled, "I Imagined I did a Ted Talk: A Letter to My Birth Father". Jeanette writes a column in Psychology Today on important issues in foster care and adoption. In her November column in Psychology Today, she wrote 10 questions for those considering adoption and it begins with "Can you handle the truth about trauma?" and ends with"Can you Commit to lifelong learning".
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-inner-life-of-foster-care/202511/is-adoption-for-you This is an important read for those considering adoption and also important insights insights/reflections if you are, already an adoptive parent.

Is Adoption for You? Before you adopt, ask yourself these 10 essential questions. Adoption is not about saving a child, it’s about joining their story with humility, curiosity, and love.