In All Things

On a humid, mid-July Monday morning on Lake Wateree, I sat on the back porch of the house drinking my first cup of coffee and reading my Bible. Asking the Lord to help me find my voice again. Seeking His guidance on how I can impact the Kingdom.

Eight hours later, I received a text inviting me to lead a breakout session at Tandem 2024. An event that I have attended for years. A ministry that holds a special place in my heart and in our community.

The topic?
Beyond the Tears - a general take on life after loss, the death of a loved one, the death of a dream, broken relationships , broken promises.

My heart was a wreck. Seven short years ago, I had led a session at Tandem on how to have a mosaic marriage - allowing the Lord to shine through the brokenness.

The memory of that threatened to take me out.

I wasn’t sure I was equipped to speak on the subject. Much less ready to speak publicly about my experience on the topic.

Humbly, I responded and asked if I could pray about it and get back to her.

I wrestled with the Lord.
In prayer.
Through tears.
With stubborn hesitation.
Some deliberate defiance.
And a mind filled with doubts.

Two weeks ago, with a pounding heart, shaky knees and a lump in my throat, I led a breakout session at Tandem. Before a single woman entered the room, I stood at the front in prayer - pleading with the Lord to fill the room and use my story to bring Him glory.

While I can’t remember word for word what I shared with the women who attended, here is a general take on the topic -

You have permission to wrestle with God.

Since January, I have been stunned in a new way by the story of Jacob and how he wrestled with God. His entire life was marked by wrestling - starting in the womb when he grabbed the heel of his twin brother, Esau. After he had stolen his brother’s birthright and been estranged from Esau for years, he prepares to meet his brother and seek his forgiveness. But before he sees Esau, Jacob is left alone to wrestle with God until daybreak. As a result of the tussle, Jacob received a permanent limp because of a dislocated hip. His limp served as a constant reminder of his struggle with God.

I’ve spent this entire year wrestling with God. Asking all the questions, doubting all the answers, screaming and shouting and crying, pouring it all out, and holding onto to Him for dear life.

Back in December 2015, sitting in our old house on a dark, quiet morning, I did my Advent devotion. I remember grabbing an index card and my gold Sharpie to write down Joel 2:25. Our family had only been reunited for a few months and we were in a really good place. I placed that index card on a shelf in my closet to serve as a reminder of the promise for our family. I thought surely this was the fulfillment of that promise after months of separation.

When we moved in 2017, I placed that index card in a book and packed it away. This past June, while looking for a particular book, the index card flew out and landed at my feet. I sat on my bedroom floor and wept hot, angry tears. Because it was a promise that was not fulfilled. So, in my anger, I ripped that index card to pieces and threw it in the trash.

A few short weeks later, Joel 2:25 would show up in my morning devotion. I was mad about it. And the Lord and I hit the ring to wrestle it out. Again.

In the wrestling, I’ve been reminded that promises are fulfilled in His timing, not mine. When we wrestle well with God and believe His promises, we will walk with a limp our entire lives.

This limp of mine - it is the very thing that reminds me over and over and over again of God’s goodness and faithfulness. I don’t have to like my limp to lean into it - believing that He is using it to keep me close to His side. His promises serve as the staff I need to keep my walk steady, even as I limp through each day.

I don’t know how you wrestle with God.
I don’t know what your locust-eaten years look like.
But I do know this.

He gives you permission to wrestle with Him. To bring Him all the doubts and fears and anger and tears and questions and worries. He collects every single tear drop in a bottle - not a single one you shed is wasted. And after you have wrestled it out and suffered a little, He will personally restore and strengthen you.

He is a promise keeper, my friend.
And He will restore your locust-eaten years.

I’m believing it for you.
And me.

After all, we are all just products of His tenacious grace.

As I was cleaning out my closet this weekend, I stumbled upon these. My very first pair of Rainbow flip flops. The sole worn thin with a hole. The thong threatening to pop loose. The bottoms weathered and cracked and torn to heck and back. The leather pulling away from the bottom.

These shoes have certainly seen better days.
Unforgettable days.
Unimaginable days.
Undeniable days.

Chilly, fall nights building high school homecoming floats.
Sunshiney Garden City beach high school spring break days.
One notorious senior cut day where we high-tailed it to the beach for sun and sand.
Hot, humid August Saturdays moving into Lever Hall. and Barnett Hall. and Berkeley Place Apartments.
Mundane Tuesdays trekking to and from class up and down the hills that still call my name.
Perfect spring days after Clemson baseball games where we would perch atop a stool at the Esso and laugh the night away.
Busy, fun, chant-filled ADPi rush days.
Beer-drinking, music-filled, Sigma Nu lake floating days.

Boat days and beach days.
Rainy days and sunny days.
Cold days and hot days.
And all the just another, nothing special days.

They have ridden shot-gun down dusty roads and through country fields. Ongoing interstate miles. Winding back roads. Four-wheelers. Motorcycles. Golf-carts. And a handful of roller coasters.

They've walked to and from mailboxes. Paced many hallways. Ran down the street to help a neighbor. Cooked dinner. Scrubbed toilets. Folded laundry. Gave the nighttime baths and read the bedtime stories. Pushed the swings and rocked the babies.

They've grocery shopped and walked aimlessly through Lowes on any given Saturday. They've picked flowers and produce at the farmers market. And packed two U-Hauls and moved more times than I care to count.

They were always waiting when I was ready to kick off the heels and get comfortable.

They carried me to church when I walked into a new last name. And then carried me home to start a new life.

They walked me into the hospital on the day I welcomed my beautiful baby girl into this world. And then walked me through the front door as a new mama with her in my arms.

They carried me back to the hospital where I came face to face with the boy of my dreams. And then walked us home again and into our family of five.

These trusty favorites have played on the playground and worked like a mule in the yard. They've painted rooms and stripped wallpaper. They've mowed the grass and moved furniture. They've packed boxes and reorganized closets. They've pushed a stroller and walked a cranky baby up and down the hall at all hours of the night.

Through it all, they conformed to the shape of my feet like a second skin. Seeing me through some of my best and worst days.

They didn't always walk worthy.
But they carried me well.

Perhaps, these are all the reasons I tucked them away in the back of my closet four years ago. For parting with them would be like parting with a piece of myself. It's hard letting go of something that has seen you through it all. All the good, bad, beautiful and ugly that life tends to throw your way.

But seasons change and time marches on.
Sometimes, holding onto to a remnant of the past can keep you stuck from moving forward. Clinging to what was doesn't always serve you well.

I'm finding there is freedom in letting go of the broken, cracked, bruised and beaten parts. While holding tightly to the beautiful, hope-filled, love-lavished, life-giving moments.

So, with trembling hands and blurry eyes, I gently placed these well-worn favorites in the trash. Remembering all the ways they served me for over 25 years. While they may not walk forward with me into tomorrow, the memories will be carried for a lifetime.

And as their logo so fondly reminds me, my second pair gives me hope for more beautiful, purposeful, soul-inspiring memories to come.

BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!
last year, on this exact date, we asked for everyone who had purchased a t-shirt to wear them as a sign of the village who had rallied around us during our darkest days of grief. we were overwhelmed by the show of support.
for the past year, I've prayed long and hard for the Lord to show us a way to shine His light in the darkness and bring some hope to other families that are struggling through mental illness and addiction. I remember sitting in my counselor's office and talking through what this could look like long after I'm gone. I was praying for something that would bring hope and healing to many people for years and years to come.
about a month ago, I sat down with my dear friend and pastor to share a vision I had. a way to honor Tory's name and provide help to families that may find themselves in similar situations. he was completely supportive and helped get the ball rolling to make this all happen.
and so today, on 8/28 at 8:28 - I want to announce that a fund has been created at Ebenezer Baptist Church to help support families and individuals in the throes of crisis. We will be launching another round of t-shirt sales and ALL proceeds will be given to Ebenezer Baptist Church. Ebenezer has meant the world to my family over the years - supporting us with prayer, love and the means to provide help when we found ourselves in crisis.
in the months and years to come, I suspect we will hold other fundraisers to help support this fund, as there are so many people hurting in this community. we want to rally around them and speak Jesus into their lives - while also being able to provide the financial means to get them the help they desperately deserve and need.
when I claimed Romans 8:28 as my life verse over 20 years ago, I never knew how much I would cling to the promise. He is working it all for good - all the hard days, all the pain, all the heartache, all the happy times, all the love, all the suffering - He is working IN ALL THINGS for your good and His glory.
STAY TUNED for the first round of T-shirt sales later today!

Time seems to stand still when you are doing your best to stand up under the weight of so much heartache. Until one day, you realize you are not carrying the burden alone.

For years - four years to be exact - I feared the worst. I fought with all the strength I could muster to prevent the worst.

And then, the worst happened.

There isn't much I remember about the days that immediately followed. Bits and pieces, really. Most of the moments are like a blur with the humming sound of voices and fuzzy images of faces I can't seem to exactly recall. But, there are vivid memories that my heart cherishes.

I remember the friend that held me in the driveway that night as we sat on the concrete and I sobbed harder than I've ever sobbed before. I remember staring into my babies' faces the next morning and watching their tiny hearts break into a million pieces. I remember the friend that showed up every single day in the first two weeks. I remember the unimaginable outpouring of love from our family and friends.

It's in the remembering that gratefulness is stirred up. And gratefulness is the place were perspective shifts.

Perhaps the hard things can be gifts from God, too.

All those years spent praying for the worst to not be part of our story, begging God for it not to happen - reminds me that Jesus, too, asked God to take the cup from Him. And then He immediately replied, "yet not my will but yours be done."

Asking the cup to be taken from you doesn't mean it will be removed from your hand.

Pain and suffering can be the richest soil for something beautiful to bloom - if we allow the tears to leave us tender to the gifts God is giving us in our season of heartache. Through my season of heartache and this gift of grief, I am more keenly aware of the heartache of others. Empathy springs forth like never before.

I believe with all my heart that God loves to work miracles in the lives of His suffering children. All of my heartache, all of my grief, all of the dark nights of the soul are the very places where God has loved to outstandingly give me the richest gifts. And gifts from God are always meant to be shared - never to be privately held.

These gifts He has given me during this season, as hard as they are to share, will be used for His good and glory. And my most sincerest prayer is they impact the lives of all who dare to partake in the gift and echo into eternity for Kingdom purposes.

Whatever your pain, your heartache, your suffering may be today - hear me say this to you with gentle reassurance.

I see you.
I hear you.
I love you.
I am with you.
I am for you.

Now, hear Jesus speaking those same words directly to your soul. For if anyone understands pain and suffering, it is Him.

As we enter into this season of thanksgiving, I find myself grateful for these gifts of heartache and grief. Because these are the very things that have brought me closer to the One who knows all and sees all and understands all. And He is doing the magnificent work of weaving it all together in a way that is good and right and true.

a precious friend shared this with me this morning with instructions to go to minute 3:40 in the song. and now it’s been on repeat as i get ready.

//You are in all things, that's where I find You
You are in all things, waiting to break through
You are in all things, that's where I find You
You are in all things, waiting to break through
You are in all things, that's where I find You
You are in all things, waiting to break through
You are in all things, that's where I find You
You are in all things, waiting to break through
Even when seasons change
There's something new You say, woah
Even when seasons change, yes
There's something new You say, woah
Even when seasons change
There's something new You say
That speak a better word
Even when seasons change
There's something new You- (You say)//

I’m not sure what season you may find yourself in this morning. I’m not sure what breakthrough you are waiting on. I’m not sure what your heart is enduring in this moment.

But I’m sure of one thing.

He is IN ALL THJNGS.

as we start this new week, may our hearts be tender and our souls be still. there is One who goes before us, hems us in from behind, and walks beside us - through it all.

He is working for our good and His glory. let’s step out into today believing that with all our heart.

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