Kirasupdates

79th 25th… I had a dream 2 nights ago that it was the 25th and I was on the side of a hill of some unfamiliar planet trying to figure out how to do my Kira ritual… the dream seemed to last forever. I was determined to make it happen… but I couldn’t find a flat surface or anything to help me create the heart, the K and the month number… I was climbing all over this hill and it was very rocky… I thought for sure I could find something to put it together… but everything I picked up just wouldn’t work or it crumbled in my hands or was too heavy or wasn’t the right shape…. I was cutting my fingers and slipping and falling and skinning my knees…. The sun was going down and in this dream, that was like an hourglass - once there was no light, it would be too late… and I felt panicked. I kept looking around and trying so hard to figure it out… but I couldn’t… it was like my brain stopped working… and then I woke up… there was no ending to the dream - it just stopped.

After I don’t know how many hours traveling yesterday and delayed flights and airplane mechanical failures and sitting on the runway, then returning to the gate, sitting more and deplaning and walking 50 gates to sit more and finally board a different plane, I eventually got home at 2:30am. I had planned to go to La Jolla today, but the day just started slipping away and I’m wiped.

I found things tonight to do my ritual…

Miss my girl so very, very much.

❤️🤟❤️🤟❤️🤟

78th 25th ❤️🤟❤️🤟❤️🤟❤️

Chicken Nuggets girls eating Wendy's for dinner. Very cute and funny.

76th 25th… so I sold my place in La Jolla - where I lived for the last 7 years… where Kira said she was going to heal, where I experienced the EMTs carry her out on a gurney in one of the scariest days of my life… where I sat in solitude during Covid right after Kira’s passing… where I have cried the hardest tears I’ve ever cried…. Soul shattering despair where I don’t think I could feel closer to the ground without sinking straight to the middle of the earth. I moved from La Jolla to Little Italy in San Diego… a 2bdrm / 2 bath to pretty much an efficiency. I left my job of 12 years and am now the CEO of a law firm in Milwaukee. This all happened in less than 6 weeks. A lot of change. I love where I live - I love the new opportunity I have been given work-wise - I never thought I’d start over professionally… but here I am and I’m intimidated, feel a little imposter syndrome and live in a completely different place. I’m not even that far from where I used to live - but it feels like a plane ride away. Everything is different. Today, I went out for a walk (which is a great thing about Little Italy) and there was an art walk. There were so many beautiful things on display. I love art - I have way more art than I have wall space - hands down…. A whole quarter of my living room is filled with art where I have no idea where it will land… some I just love, some from Zane, some from Sonya, some from other friends or family. But, I came across an artist today from Mexico who had a peice that I loved - it’s Frida. Of course it is the 25th. And it’s not paint. It’s not sketch… it’s straw art… which I have never seen before. I met Edgar - the artist. The technique is very meticulous and really incredible. I don’t know where it will end up. But, it’s mine now and it’s perfect. I don’t know how these 25ths will be now that I don’t live near the beach - although I do live near the port… so, there’s water. So much change in so little time and yet… it’s all the same really. Love and hugs to you all… thank you as always for your continued support and encouragement. This is a time of change and adjustment… all in the right direction. I’m eternally grateful for this journey and the lessons along with it.

❤️🤟❤️🤟❤️🤟❤️

75th 25th… Kira has always reminded me of Frida… those forever eyes, their beastmode grit, love of art, their determination through struggle, those brows! their style, their similar life’s journeys, their natural magnetism and intense impact on so many who knew them and those who didn’t… and just sassy, sassy, sassy… I have Frida art and portraits through my house because, well, they’re beautiful and they just are a vibe I love…. Today, I was out and of course there was a woman with a giant Frida tattoo on her arm… of course there was ❤️🤟❤️🤟❤️

Miss my girl…

74th 25th (except it’s the 26th)…. Big heavy sigh… I think this is the first 25th that a 25th has past and I missed it…

I’m sick - not sure exactly what’s wrong… the internet says I have cancer or an std or some sort of terminal illness - but I’m pretty sure it’s just a very bad cold and a pretty decent level of work/life stress and no sleep…

and I just now realized it’s the 26th… *gulp*

No way am I making it to the beach today - although it’s really pretty outside…

So, I’ll just leave some photos that made me smile as I looked at them - Kira wouldn’t be upset that I missed yesterday. I know that. And if I weren’t such an emotional crybaby when I get sick, I’d probably be more ok with it than it feels in the moment…

Love and hugs 🤟❤️🤟❤️🤟❤️🤟

73rd 25th… I woke up this morning with my kitty, Olive, snuggled all next to me, purring… as happens every morning since she came into my world… i tell her every night, let’s go, time for night night… and she does and she sleeps with me all night until i wake up, scoot around her, cover her gently with the blanket while i start my day.

Since Kira was little, she often slept with me… but especially, as a teenager, she slept in my bed with me regularly. Often it started in the evening and we would watch Say Yes to the Dress or Chopped or Frazier or Ink Masters or True Blood or or or… and she and I would both crash out… I would inevitably wake up either in the middle of the night or just earlier than her and just watch her… I fell in love with those moments… she was gangly and restless and talked in her sleep… and she giggled the giggliest giggle sometimes and my heart would just burst. Before and after her diagnosis, I knew I wanted to memorize her sleeping. Her sweet breathing, her snuggling (or punching) me, her porcelain skin, the little freckle on her cheek, her changing facial expressions as she dreamt, her fabulous eyebrows, her everything. I knew it was perfection. I never wanted to forget those quiet, peaceful, beautiful moments… just her and me… and the awe of her life and the luck of mine…

My sweet kitty is a completely different animal (literally), but she reminds me of these moments and, for that, I am so grateful.

❤️🤟❤️🤟❤️🤟❤️

Had a dream - very brief dream last night… woke up smiling and feeling awkwardly silly… but Kira was in it… I didn’t want to forget it, so at 1:30ish am, I texted myself the following (unedited) and the look Kira gave me in it is a combination of some or all of these photos… ❤️🤟❤️🤟❤️🤟❤️

Dream - kira waiting for me while I was competing with Bobby flay and I was trying get her all ready so we could leave right away when I finished and put her in a Santa onesie that didn’t have feet so I was trying to tie the ends of the legs so she and all the other stuff I shoved in the Santa suit wouldn’t fall out. It had a hoodie and pockets and she looked so cute - 16ish years old - had her hands in the front pockets and just shrugged and smiled a small smile like ‘ok here we go’

And that was it… I went back to sleep.





❤️🤟❤️🤟❤️🤟❤️🤟❤️🤟❤️