Safe Guard

Thank you Combat Thoughts for inviting me to speak on the origin and mission of Safe Guard. Take a listen to the podcast below!

Episode 34: Making BJJ Safer (BJJ SafeGuard) - Combat Thoughts Podcast In this episode we talk to Shannon from BJJ SafeGuard. SafeGuard's mission is to create safe jiu jitsu training environments by providing resources to the community to prevent and respond to sexual abuse. This was a really interesting conversation...

We were blessed to be able to connect with this researcher to assist in this important report she's created. Over the next few weeks we will examine some of the key findings from the survey. She examines many different topics including the roles and ranks of those affected and involved, where it's occurring, who victims confide in, what gyms do in response, and how satisfied they were with the response.

It's comprehensive and worth your time to read...
https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/13uam_vwd_0VJQ95Z64XREIK8wVoG7zIK?usp=sharing
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: sexual harassment & assault in the BJJ community
It's been quite a year, ladies.
Some of you may remember a survey that was posted back in February about sexual harassment and assault in the BJJ community. Over 1500 people responded from around the world responded, and the report is finally complete. You can find the results here: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/13uam_vwd_0VJQ95Z64XREIK8wVoG7zIK?usp=sharing
(CW: Section 2 of the report does include descriptions of sexual assault.)
Thank you so much to everyone who participated, and shared the original survey, and an **extra huge thanks** to the volunteers who reached out to help finish it.

“Most of the time women and men begin Jiu Jitsu due to some form of abuse whether it’s from child abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, mental abuse over from some point in their life. They are there to deal with and face their issues not have more issues.”

Check out this great article compiling red flags of a cult environment in jiu jitsu. Ultimately a cult-like environment is ripe for abuse of all kinds.

Escaping A Cult A Real Life Survival Story of Escaping A Cult As I ran down the stairs leaving all of my gear in my locker, all of my medals on the wall from competitions I suddenly became weightless, my mental health was more important. That night and every night prior to that in that week I’d woken up and reali...

It bears repeating. People experience hell when they are hurt by someone the trust, and continue a long journey through hell to bring accountability. We must do more to keep our sport safe. Other’s lives literally depend on it.

Beginnings of abuse: isolation

They isolate you emotionally and/or physically from family or friends. Abusers establish control by isolating you from your support.

Physical isolation could occur by placing limits on where you can go. Within a jiu jitsu team this could be banning you from visiting other schools. In an intimate relationship this could be denying you the ability to go out with friends or leave the house without permission. More subtly, they could take up so much of your free time chatting with you or planning activities together that you do not have time to maintain a connection with anyone else.

Emotional isolation may occur by talking poorly about your friends or family and creating reasons for you not to trust them. Within the jiu jitsu team, this may look like spreading rumors that aren’t true or pitting members of a like-group against each other (for example, creating competition and animosity between female teammates). With your family and friends, they may cause you to question their intentions or sow doubt that they have your best interest at heart. They main claim they sense your family member/friend is jealous/lying/selfish, when you’ve never viewed them in that way in the past.

Beginnings of abuse: Retaliation for saying “no”

Retaliation may be shown with the silent treatment or giving you less instruction/coaching. In later stages of abuse, this may include verbal outbursts or physical aggression.

Many of the other warnings sign play into this one. An abuser may be slowly pushing your boundaries and the subtle retaliation may cause you to allow abusive behavior to go a little farther next time in order to try to keep them happy. You may notice that they are giving you less instruction and/or coaching, but when you confront them on it, they may say you are being too sensitive and deny that’s what they are doing (this is gaslighting, which we will discuss soon). They may have been your number one fan at tournaments while they were building the relationship with you, but now have a list of excuses of why they can’t be there.

The later stages of verbal outbursts and physical aggression will likely start after they have successfully retaliated in the less confrontational ways. Many survivors deal with shame and guilt for allowing verbal and physical abuse and/or willingly participating in the relationship afterwards. Know that abuse is complex, you were likely pre-conditioned to respond in this way (whether in this relationship and/or past relationships), and that is a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances. It’s important to get professional help to recover from this level of abuse. Verbal, psychological, and physical abuse is never okay.

Beginnings of abuse: silent treatment

Rather than discussing their feelings or talking through a disagreement, they ignore you and refuse to speak until you apologize (probably for something you didn’t do) or move past the situation as if nothing happened.

The silent treatment is a technique of power and control. In an abusive relationship, the abuser may use the silent treatment in order to avoid addressing the abusive behaviors you are trying to confront them on. By refusing to speak, you are left with either deciding between ending the relationship completely or moving on without resolution.

Depending on the level of grooming prior to the silent treatment and the nature of the relationship, moving on without resolution may feel like the most viable option. Unfortunately, this transfers more power and control to the abuser and future situations are likely to escalate. If someone is refusing to address problematic behavior, it can be a very difficult decision to leave or distance yourself from them. Especially if that person is your instructor and you likely have close relationships with teammates you do not want to lose as well. Know that the silent treatment is a serious red flag and consider reaching out to someone you trust for help.

Beginnings of abuse: Pushing boundaries

They slowly push boundaries or ignore established ones. Even after saying no, they will likely try again days, weeks, or months later. They may tell you to stop being so sensitive or stop being conservative as they continue to push past a ”No.”

I’ve had some people explain away this behavior as an immature understanding of how to behave in relationships, but too often it excuses the primary tactic of a predator. Perhaps some people are modeling poor behavior learned/observed growing up. Best case scenario it’s unhealthy. Worst case scenario it’s a playbook tactic of a predator. Likely scenario - if a relationship consists of boundary pushing it’s not going to go well long term and will result in you getting hurt.

Testing boundaries is one of the first tests for a predator to determine if they are likely to be successful with abuse later. Gavin DeBeck in his book, Gift of Fear, states, “If you let someone talk you out of the word “no” you might as well wear a sign that reads, you are in charge.”

While that is a harsh reality, there is truth to it. So many times, society teaches us to be people-pleasers, which is a huge vulnerability when it comes to abuse. People with low self confidence struggle with setting boundaries. It’s also why I believe that schools need to do more to protect vulnerable groups in their school. If you are going to market jiu jitsu as a way to improve self esteem, then you need to ensure your school is a not place for predators to take advantage of that.

Beginnings of abuse: Purposely provoking negative emotions

They deny you should feel emotions that they are intentionally provoking. They tell you how they don’t want you to feel (which is likely how you are feeling). This could be, “I don’t want you to feel like…I’m not supporting you, this is a boys-club, everyone is trying to hit on you, etc…”

This is extremely manipulative and an aspect of gaslighting which we will discuss later. An abuser needs you to question your reality. Making you question your emotions causes you to trust your emotions less later on. Additionally this gives them an ability to escalate the situation. By having you ignore the initial gut feelings of your emotions by assuring you that’s not their intention, it gives them an opportunity to take the abuse a step farther in the future.

Your emotions are always valid. In a healthy relationship, the other person should care about your emotions and takes steps to avoid triggering a negative or hurtful emotion if you communicate that is happening.

Grooming can be difficult to identify and difficult to hold someone accountable. The nature of grooming is that no one is getting hurt. Therefore, even when you recognize the red flags, it can be challenging to confront someone for behaviors that are not hurting anyone, yet. We have been working on codes of conduct and ethics that schools can implement that cover grooming behaviors. However, if you have other solutions, we would love to hear them!!

Next, we will cover how grooming transitions into abuse. Grooming establishes a bond of trust between the abuser and their target. Once trust is established, their target is more likely to stick around after an abusive episode. They remember the kind, supportive person of the grooming phase and are likely to dismiss the abuse as a mistake. Like a frog in boiling water, abuse usually slowly ramps up at a pace where the target doesn’t realize how bad things have become.

While the psychological and emotional abuse we will discuss are typically precursors to sexual abuse, it does not mean it is not harmful and have physical impacts. Studies have shown behaviors such as the silent treatment (where someone refuses to speak to you) impact the pain detection parts of the brain, resulting in physical symptoms (https://exploringyourmind.com/silent-treatment-psychological-abuse-disguise/).

These behaviors are more likely to occur in private. To make matters worse, the abuser will likely spin the stories of these interactions to paint themselves in a positive light to others. If you think someone is being groomed, it is important to talk with them about these initial abuse warnings. If you think you are being groomed and notice any of these behaviors, you should speak with someone you trust and make plans to end the relationship as soon as you can.