Thflwrgrl

No written words to describe
What silence feels like now
I still try

Karmic wistful thinking
A dark cloud of failure
Sad s**t
I devolve in a memory
Then I wake up
At peace.
It's quiet and I hated it before
Yet I craved it before that
Sun shines through
I can feel myself think
Bad thoughts
Then other thoughts
Watching leaves dance outside my window
I can feel myself
And unfortunately
I exist again

**
I wrote this a year ago and it still holds true.
In January I started taking antidepressants which I believe saved my life. They also completely blanked out my brain. In a very useful way but it had side effects that created a cycle I couldn’t appreciate. Gaining weight and losing desire for the most part. I had my heart broken and I knew I was at a loss. I still was able to sit with it. I’ve since switched to a new medication and it allows in so much more feeling again. It aches and swells deep in my chest and stomach. I have help now but to have spent my entire life swimming in my emotions it makes me feel guilty. I was in a constant state of drowning. While it wasn’t something I knew how to fix - I was comfortable living in it. Both feeling like dying and still living. Smiling and making jokes but also wishing I didn’t exist. It’s so harsh and I believe I’ve punished myself for a long time for not doing well enough. It made me love hard and jump at any moment of joy. It made me spend days in silence crying myself to sleep. The only escape was sleep and it still is to this day. I get things right in my dreams and I wake up hopeful. These pill saved me but I know deep down it was me. I don’t give myself credit but I did it myself.

I always followed my heart
And it lead me astray
So I turned to my head to lead the way
It told me to be myself
That love will walk in
And it did, it truly did.

Yet just like my heart,
My head didn’t know
That the universe was always running the show
It gives me my lessons
The good and the bad
The stars can align
And you still can go mad

I never knew that I would choose heartbreak
Cold nights and heavy mornings
My heart does ache
Because without warning
What I believed was right
Turned out to be wrong
In every which way
This was the plan all along.

The truth is that you
Can decide what you desire
You can say this is perfect
A love where you’ll never tire
But underneath the choice
Is your inner voice
One that asks what you want?
Or rather what you need?
This is the part that should always lead
A mix of the heart and your head
A dash of what you would like in bed
And finally your soul-
It can be pushed aside
To make room for dreams
But as long as you have it
Nothing will remain as it seems

I listened to my soul
And it left my life in ruin
I was scared of what would happen
I didn’t know what I was doing
But I did it.
I chose myself.
I wasn’t truly happy
A thought that I would shelf
Even now as my nights are silent
And I ache for the past
I know in my soul
That this liberation will outlast
This is where my life really begins

This is where I let my Self win.

Men really go out of their way to make sure a women feels like they are too much or aggressive when most likely they are just being direct or straight forward. Why do I have to use a million exclamation points just to make you feel comfortable? Did you think I was soft or maybe submissive? Did you think I should be quiet?

Truth is... I’m never gonna say the right thing in the right way. I gave up trying to serve everyone (even women) especially after this past year.. I think I’ll be myself and let my heart and ethics continue to guide me. Go ahead and throw your fits over how you think I should act. I’m just not the one and I’m not gonna pretend to be.

Building a ladder of love to you
And I hope that love you build one too...❤️

Little moments from the before ☀️ for the most parts 😂 get it

Remixing some moments with Bernice. Her Leo energy is unmatched and I hope I get to see her soon! Her birthday is coming up in a week or so... go follow her!

Finally had a good day. Everything was blended together before. 🌻

Different shades of blue with Dahlia

Some things were never meant to be. Only existing in moments. Forgotten in anger. Replaying in sadness. My heart is...aching but also hopeful for peace.

Everything is changing and I hope for the better.

Happy birthday Hale. You inspire me with your boldness, drive and consistent kind nature. I’m a bit far to give you some flowers so I blended them into these shots of ours ❤️