Jana Rupnow Counseling

After speaking with hundreds of intended parents and donors with known donors, I can say there are many, many different ways to do known donation. And many different ways that parents view their connection with the donor.

“I don’t want to make the donor too important.”

It makes sense that parents might wonder whether talking about the donor more will somehow make the donor more significant to their child.

But openness doesn’t assign the donor a certain role in your child’s life. It lets your child know that this part of their story is safe to bring to you.

Your child may feel connected to their donor. They may not. They may be curious at one age and less interested at another. And that may change as they grow.

The goal isn’t to decide how important the donor should be.

It’s to make sure your child knows that whatever the donor comes to mean to them is okay to talk about with you.

You make room for the conversation.

They get to decide what the connection means. 💜

Most parents want their child to know they can talk openly about being donor conceived. But sometimes, without realizing it, parents can send the message that certain questions or feelings are harder to hear.

Open conversation means making room for all of it: the curiosity, the questions, the big feelings, and even the things that may be hard to answer.

You don’t have to say everything perfectly.

What matters is that your child knows:
You can always talk to me about this. 💜

It’s okay if talking about the donor brings up feelings you didn’t expect.

Gratitude, insecurity, curiosity, protectiveness, even grief can all exist alongside how deeply you love your child and your family.

But when the donor becomes something everyone quietly learns not to mention, children notice.

They may stop asking questions not because they stopped wondering, but because they’re trying to take care of you.

You don’t need to have all the answers. You don’t even need to feel completely comfortable.

You just want your child to know: You can talk to me about this. Your questions are always welcome here.

And sometimes, that starts with parents getting more comfortable with the conversation themselves.

If this is something you’re working through in your family, I have resources at ThreeMakesBaby.com to help.

And if you know someone who needs to hear this, send it their way. 💜

“I don’t want to make the donor too important.”

Parents I work with sometimes fear that talking about the donor too much could somehow create a connection that wouldn’t otherwise be there.

But talking openly about the donor isn’t the same as assigning the donor a particular role or level of importance.

It’s simply communicating: this part of your story is safe to talk about with me.

Your child gets to decide what their connection to their donor means to them. That meaning may be significant, minimal, somewhere in between, or change as they grow.

The goal isn’t to make the donor important.

It’s to make sure your child never has to wonder whether their feelings, questions, or curiosity are okay with you. 🤍

Share this with a parent who might need a little reassurance about this.

I'm a therapist specializing in donor conception and have worked with thousands of people over the year.

Dolly was my hero.
Since I was a little girl, I’ve danced around the house singing Dolly Parton songs. And just last week, my husband videoed me dancing around our kitchen singing “Why’d You Come in Here Lookin’ Like That.” Her songs have always brought me joy and that joy will live on. 💜

I got older, I came to admire so much more than her music.

I loved the way Dolly loved people. The way she accepted and embraced differences. Her wisdom, her humor, and the way she could be completely herself while making room for everyone else to be themselves too. It's not too much to say she helped me loved myself more.

She showed us that we don’t have to be the same to love one another. That our differences don’t have to divide us. We can meet each other with curiosity, kindness, humor, and love.

I think that may be one of the things I admired most about her, and one of the things I hope we carry forward.

Thank you, Dolly, for a lifetime of music, laughter, wisdom, and for showing us how much room there is in this world to love people exactly as they are. 💜🦋