STAB Rescue

💩📚 S**T YOU SHOULD KNOW SUNDAY: THE ROTTWEILER EDITION 📚💩

Welcome to our educational series, where we attempt to prevent people from acquiring dogs based solely on “OMG LOOK AT HIS BIG HEAD 😍” and then acting absolutely fu***ng bewildered when said dog starts behaving like the breed it has been genetically engineered to be.

Today’s lesson:

🐾 THE ROTTWEILER.

Ah yes. The Rottweiler.

A majestic German working breed built like a refrigerator with eyebrows and approximately ZERO INTEREST IN YOUR BULLS**T.

But before we discuss why your Rottweiler thinks he should be involved in every household security decision, we need a tiny history lesson. 📚

The Rottweiler’s story goes back centuries. Their ancestors are generally traced to the mastiff-type drover dogs that traveled with Roman armies, helping move and guard livestock as the Romans crossed Europe.

Eventually, dogs of this type became associated with the German town of Rottweil, where they developed into working dogs used to drive cattle, guard livestock and property, and protect their handlers.

They became known as Rottweiler Metzgerhunds, or “butcher’s dogs of Rottweil.”

And NO, this does not mean they were running around Germany with tiny cleavers making bratwurst.

Butchers and cattle dealers relied on them to move livestock and protect people and property. They were also used as powerful draft dogs capable of pulling carts.

So basically humans spent generations saying:

“Please make this dog strong, confident, intelligent, protective, physically powerful, willing to work, and capable of making decisions.”

And now, centuries later, somebody buys one and says:

“Why does Diesel watch everyone who walks past my house?”

BECAUSE YOUR ANCESTORS ORDERED THE SECURITY PACKAGE, KAREN. 😭

Please notice that nowhere in the historical job description does it say:

✨ Decorative couch potato
✨ Dog park social chairman
✨ Brewery accessory
✨ Untrained neighborhood ambassador
✨ Something you buy because the puppy had “cute little bear paws”

This is a powerful guardian and working breed.

And when properly bred, socialized, trained, managed, and given appropriate outlets?

They can be absolutely fu***ng phenomenal.

Loyal. Intelligent. Confident. Trainable. Devoted. Hilarious. Powerful. Affectionate with their people.

Basically a 100-pound security guard who occasionally wants to sit directly on your internal organs because apparently personal space is communist propaganda.

BUT HERE COMES THE IMPORTANT S**T. 📢

A poorly bred, poorly socialized, poorly trained, completely unmanaged Rottweiler is not the same inconvenience as an untrained 12-pound Shih Tzu named Muffin.

Muffin loses her s**t at the Amazon driver and everyone says:

“Awww, Muffin! Stop it! 🤭”

A 110-pound Rottweiler loses his s**t at the Amazon driver and suddenly EVERYONE IS HAVING A VERY DIFFERENT AFTERNOON.

Because size matters.

Strength matters.

Genetics matter.

Temperament matters.

Training matters.

MANAGEMENT FU***NG MATTERS.

And this is where people get themselves into trouble.

They buy a Rottweiler puppy because it looks like a fuzzy little potato.

Then the fuzzy potato becomes a teenage rhinoceros with opinions.

He starts testing boundaries.

He becomes more aware of his surroundings.

He discovers that he is approximately the same weight as Aunt Carol.

He realizes nobody in the house actually enforces rules.

And suddenly everyone is standing in the kitchen whispering:

“Do you think Bruno will let us have the couch back?”

MA’AM.

YOU HAVE LOST THE GOVERNMENT. 😭

Your Rottweiler should not be running your household like a tiny European dictatorship.

This breed needs structure, consistency, training, thoughtful socialization, boundaries, mental stimulation, physical exercise, and an owner who understands what the hell they purchased.

Socialization also does NOT mean:

“Make your Rottweiler meet 9,000 strangers so he loves everybody.”

No.

The goal is a stable dog who can exist appropriately in the world.

Your guardian breed does not need to believe every stranger entering your personal bubble is their long-lost cousin Kevin.

They need to learn:

“That person exists. My handler sees them. I don’t need to file a police report.”

👏 THAT 👏 IS 👏 STABILITY. 👏

🚨 AND WHILE WE’RE HERE: YOUR DOG IS NOT YOUR CHILD’S FU***NG OBSTACLE COURSE. 🚨

This applies to Rottweilers, Chihuahuas, Golden Retrievers, Pit Bulls, Labradors, and every other dog currently wondering why the tiny human has been permitted to use them as playground equipment.

STOP letting children:

❌ Climb on dogs
❌ Sit or stand on their backs
❌ Pull ears and tails
❌ Crawl into their crates
❌ Hug them while they’re trying to get away
❌ Bother them while they’re eating or sleeping
❌ PUT THEIR FACE DIRECTLY INTO THE DOG’S FACE

And then posting a picture saying:

“Look how patient Diesel is with his little brother. 🥹❤️”

NO.

Look how much s**t Diesel is currently tolerating because the adults in the room aren’t protecting his boundaries.

Dogs can be AMAZING with children.

Rottweilers can be phenomenal family dogs in appropriate homes.

But being “good with kids” does not mean your dog should be expected to tolerate every ridiculous thing a child decides to do.

Your dog should have boundaries.

Your child should be taught boundaries.

And ADULTS SHOULD SUPERVISE BOTH OF THEM.

A dog should always have the ability to walk away and have a safe space where children leave them the hell alone.

And please stop punishing dogs for communicating discomfort.

The stiff body.

The head turn.

The lip lick.

The whale eye.

Trying to leave.

The growl.

Those are COMMUNICATION.

A growl is information.

If your dog says, “I am uncomfortable with this,” your response should not be:

“DON’T YOU GROWL AT MY CHILD.”

Your response should be:

“Okay, why is my child still climbing Mount Rottweiler like they’re trying to summit Everest?”

Separate them.

Change the situation.

Teach the child.

Protect the dog.

Because if we ignore every quieter signal a dog gives us, we don’t get to act shocked when the dog eventually communicates louder.

👏 DOGS 👏 ARE 👏 NOT 👏 JUNGLE 👏 GYMS. 👏

I don’t care how much your dog “loves your babies.”

Teach your babies to respect the damn dog.

ANYWAY.

Back to our regularly scheduled German refrigerator.

Please understand something else:

A ROTTWEILER IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE EVERYBODY’S DOG.

Many are deeply devoted to their families and naturally discerning about strangers.

That does not automatically make them “mean.”

But, and this is a Kardashian sized BUT

GENETICS ARE NOT AN EXCUSE FOR DANGEROUS BEHAVIOR.

You cannot have a 120 pound dog trying to eat Steve from UPS and announce:

“Well, he’s protective.”

No, Linda.

Steve is holding a Chewy box.

Your dog needs training.

And for the love of all things holy, RESEARCH YOUR BREEDER.

A Rottweiler with unstable genetics is not something you want to discover after bringing home your $700 Craigslist “German XXL King Rottie” whose parents were selected because both had enormous skulls and absolutely no emotional regulation.

Temperament matters.

Health testing matters.

Ethical breeding matters.

Early development matters.

Training matters.

Because when you screw up a powerful breed, the dog usually pays the price.

The dog gets labeled aggressive.

The dog gets surrendered.

The dog lands in a shelter.

The dog becomes difficult to place.

And sometimes the dog loses its life.

Meanwhile the human walks away saying:

“We just didn’t know he would get so big.”

BARBARA.

IT WAS A FU***NG ROTTWEILER.

WHAT DID YOU THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN?

And since inevitably somebody will ask:

“But aren’t Rottweilers sweet?”

YES.

Holy s**t, yes.

A well-adjusted Rottweiler can be one of the funniest, most affectionate, loyal, ridiculous creatures you will ever meet.

They will protect the house from suspicious recycling bins and then require emotional support because you went to the bathroom without them.

They can go from:

“I HAVE BEEN ASSIGNED TO PROTECT THIS FAMILY.”

to

“Mother, please hold my enormous head while I sigh dramatically.”

in approximately six seconds.

They are magnificent dogs.

But magnificent does not mean appropriate for everyone.

👏 NOT EVERYONE DESERVES THESE BREEDS. 👏

And sometimes loving a breed means having enough self-awareness to say:

“That dog is fu***ng awesome.

And I absolutely do not need one.”

THAT is responsible dog ownership.

So today’s S**t You Should Know Sunday lesson is:

🧠 Research the breed.
🧬 Respect genetics.
🎓 Train the dog.
🌎 Socialize thoughtfully.
🚧 Establish boundaries.
👧 Teach children how to respectfully interact with dogs.
👀 SUPERVISE CHILDREN AND DOGS.
💪 Understand the physical power you’re dealing with.
❤️ Advocate for the dog you actually have, not the fantasy dog you imagined.

Because Rottweilers aren’t monsters.

They’re not accessories.

They’re not status symbols.

And they’re sure as f**k not playground equipment.

They’re powerful working dogs whose history helped shape the dogs standing in our living rooms today.

And if you don’t want structure, training, management, boundaries, continuing education, and occasionally having a 100-pound German meatball staring into your soul because dinner is four minutes late…

Perhaps consider a houseplant.

Actually, no.

Some of y’all would probably f**k that up too. 🪴💀

Class dismissed.

💩📚 S**T YOU SHOULD KNOW SUNDAY 📚💩
Presented by STAB Rescue, where apparently we save dogs AND provide free continuing education to the internet.

📸 AND BEFORE ANYONE ASKS THE ROTTWEILERS PICTURED IN THIS POST ARE LEONA AND SICARIO. 🖤🤎

These two magnificent German refrigerators are Amanda’s personal dogs, not rescue dogs available for adoption. 😂

They are living, breathing examples of exactly why we love this breed so damn much, and exactly why we will continue screaming from the rooftops that loving Rottweilers and believing everyone should own one are two VERY different things.

Leona and Sicario are mine.

You cannot have them.

Please admire the refrigerators from your side of the internet. 😂

**tYouShouldKnowSunday

🚨 URGENT: SERAFINA HAS APPARENTLY DECIDED OUR BANK ACCOUNT WAS LOOKING A LITTLE TOO COMFORTABLE. 🚨

GOOD AFTERNOON TO EVERYONE EXCEPT WHATEVER THE F**K IS CURRENTLY HAPPENING WITH SERAFINA’S HIP. 🫠

Because apparently rescue law states:

The SECOND you get the bank account somewhat stabilized… a dog must immediately develop a mysterious orthopedic problem.

We don’t make the rules. We just financially suffer under them. 💸

Serafina has suddenly become quite wobbly in her back end, and something is very clearly going on with her hip/leg. Is it broken? WE DON’T KNOW. Is it her hip? WE DON’T KNOW. Did she wake up and decide today was an excellent day to financially assassinate us? POSSIBLY. 😭😂

Obviously, we are getting this sweet girl into the vet so we can figure out what the hell is happening. 🩺

But right now, we would REALLY love to get her OUT OF BOARDING AND INTO A FOSTER HOME while we figure this out.

Serafina is an incredibly sweet girl, dog friendly, more on the submissive side, relatively calm, and generally fits pretty easily into a home. ❤️

She does NOT need to be sitting in a boarding environment while she’s uncomfortable and walking around like her rear suspension has left the chat.

🚨🚨 WE NEED A FOSTER ASAP. LIKE, PLEASE STOP SCROLLING AND READ THIS PART. 🚨🚨

Because she will need veterinary appointments, her foster needs to be reasonably close to the areas where our partnered vets are located:

📍 Charlotte
📍 Matthews
📍 Indian Trail
📍 Mint Hill
📍 Huntersville

We cover her approved medical care.
We just need someone to give this poor girl a soft place to land while we determine which part of her body has decided to declare bankruptcy on our behalf.

‼️ IF YOU CAN FOSTER SERAFINA, PLEASE GO DIRECTLY TO OUR WEBSITE AND FILL OUT A FOSTER APPLICATION: ‼️

👉 stabrescue.com 👈

PLEASE DO NOT JUST COMMENT “INTERESTED.” We love you, but “interested” does not magically teleport an application into our system. 😂

If you are serious about helping Serafina, GO TO THE WEBSITE AND SUBMIT THE FOSTER APPLICATION. Even if you can only foster temporarily while we get her evaluated and figure out what the hell her rebellious hip is doing, PLEASE APPLY.

And if you absolutely cannot foster, PLEASE SHARE THIS POST. Somewhere around Charlotte is a couch with Serafina’s name written all over it, and we need your help finding the human who owns it.

And Serafina, baby girl…

WE LOVE YOU DEARLY BUT COULD YOU PLEASE STOP BREAKING S**T UNTIL PAYDAY. 😭💀

THANK YOU THANK YOU EVERYONE 🥹💖 FULLY COVERED!!!!

🚨 URGENT PLEASE PRAY FOR DEWEY. 🚨

Our hearts are in our throats right now.

Dewey was on his trial adoption, getting ready to start the life we wanted so badly for him. His new family had even picked out his new name Miko. ❤️

And now, instead of celebrating his new beginning, Dewey has developed pneumonia and needs to be hospitalized.

We are suddenly staring at an estimated $4,000 veterinary bill to get this boy the care he needs.

We will figure out the money. We always do. We will beg, plead, sell our souls to the Facebook algorithm, and shake every imaginary couch cushion we have.

But right now, Dewey needs us.

If you can donate even $5, $10, $20 anything it adds up. If you cannot donate, PLEASE share this post. And more than anything, please send every prayer, good thought, healing vibe, whatever you believe in, toward our boy.

💚 Cash App: $stabrescue
💙 Venmo:
Venmo verification code: 2947
🌐 Website: stabrescue.com

His family was ready to call him Miko.

We need to get Dewey healthy so he can go back to them and finally get the happily-ever-after that was already waiting for him. 😭💔

Please help us fight for Dewey.

🙏 Pray for him.
💵 Donate if you can.
📲 SHARE, SHARE, SHARE.

We need our village right now.

Come on, Dewey. You have a new name and a new family waiting for you. You’re not allowed to scare the absolute s**t out of us like this. Fight, buddy. 🐾❤️‍🩹

🚨 GOOD MORNING FROM GRISELDA: THE SALMON-FUELED FELON WITH HANDS 🚨

We got Griselda’s foster update and apparently THIS BITCH HAS BEEN BUSY BUILDING A RAP SHEET. 😭😂

We sent her to foster thinking, “Awww, now we can learn what she’s like in a home.”

Well.

WE FU***NG LEARNED.

Griselda is doing AMAZING with the other dog and would honestly probably do best with another dog in the home because apparently she needs a live-in emotional support accomplice. 🐕🤝🐕

She plays for approximately seven minutes, evacuates every demon from her body, and then collapses like a Victorian woman who just received devastating news by telegram.

“Mother… fetch the blanket. I am weary.”

Then comes the belly.

This woman believes belly rubs are not affection.

THEY ARE A CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT.

Stop rubbing?

🥊 SMACK.

Look at her without rubbing?

🥊 SMACK.

Ask her to sit?

🥊 BITCH, DID I STUTTER? SMACK.

Her foster said she “throws paws.”

NO.

GRISELDA IS RUNNING AN EXTORTION RACKET.

She should have tiny boxing gloves and a bookie named Vinny.

“Beautiful kneecaps you got there. Be a shame if something happened because you stopped rubbing my stomach.” 💀

She is also EXTREMELY food motivated.

Specifically salmon treats.

This dog would give you her social security number, the WiFi password, Amanda’s whereabouts, three government secrets and the location of Jimmy Hoffa for ONE FU***NG SALMON SNACK. 🐟

Training her should be relatively easy.

Morality?

FOR SALE.

She has discovered squeaky toys. 🧸

She has discovered dog beds. 🛏️

She has unfortunately NOT discovered that dog beds are for LAYING THE F**K DOWN and has instead decided they are archaeological sites requiring immediate excavation.

There may be dinosaur bones underneath.

We cannot prove there aren’t.

🏃‍♀️ SPEAKING OF TERRIBLE DECISIONS: THIS WOMAN RUNS.

Griselda sees an opening and immediately thinks:

“Perhaps I shall begin a new life in Tennessee.”

Door cracked?

GONE.

Gate questionable?

GONE.

Fence has a suspicious-looking section?

She’s already on Zillow looking for property in Gastonia.

So we would VERY MUCH prefer a securely fenced yard because none of us have the cardiovascular health required to chase this bitch through a subdivision screaming GRISELDA YOU FU***NG AS***LE.

Now.

🐈 CATS.

Her foster does not even own a cat.

A stray cat simply appeared on the porch.

That cat was minding its own tiny cat business.

Griselda looked at it and apparently submitted a formal written statement:

“I WILL NOT BE PARTICIPATING IN FELINE COEXISTENCE.”

So that’s a HARD FU***NG NO ON CATS.

Thank you for your feedback, Griselda.

Your complaint has been forwarded to management.

Management agrees you’re insane.

👶 CHILDREN REQUIRE A LITTLE MORE DISCUSSION.

She likes people. She has been around a loud toddler and overall has done well.

BUT her foster has noticed moments where Griselda becomes uncomfortable or stressed when the toddler pets or hugs her—even when she was okay with it five minutes earlier.

And because we are not members of the “Dogs Should Tolerate Literally Anything Because Family Dog ❤️” Facebook University, we actually pay attention when dogs communicate.

She also gets excited, jumps, and play-nibbles.

So she needs people who understand dog body language, respect boundaries, supervise appropriately, and don’t force interactions because “LOOK SHE WANTS A HUG.”

No, Brenda.

Sometimes she wants you to GET THE F**K OUT OF HER BUBBLE.

Anyway, to summarize the Griselda Experience:

🐕 Dog friendly
🐕 Would likely thrive with another dog
🏡 Great in the house
📦 Great in her kennel
🦮 Great on leash
🥊 Throws hands over insufficient belly rubs
🐟 Can be purchased with salmon
🛏️ Conducting unauthorized mining operations in dog beds
🏃‍♀️ Has Forrest Gump tendencies
🐈 Cats can f**k directly off
👶 Likes children but needs her boundaries respected
👀 Has weaponized puppy-dog eyes
💗 Turns into a cuddly potato after playtime
🚨 HAS ABSOLUTELY NO FU***NG BUSINESS BEING THIS ADORABLE

Basically Griselda is a sweet, affectionate, dog-friendly little psychopath who wants another dog, a secure yard, approximately 14 pounds of salmon treats, 23 hours of belly rubs per day, and a household willing to accept occasional assault by paw.

She is not asking for much.

JUST YOUR HOME, YOUR HEART, YOUR FENCE, YOUR SALMON AND COMPLETE CONTROL OF YOUR DAILY SCHEDULE.

Welcome to Griselda’s world.

You just fu***ng live in it. 🥊🐟😂🐾

COVERED THANK YOU!!!

🚨🥜 ROB ROY NEEDS A CHAUFFEUR FOR THE GREAT BALL DEFLATION OF 2026 🥜🚨

Rob Roy has an appointment MONDAY to have his ✨family jewels permanently decommissioned✨, and apparently Uber does not have a “transport my dog to get his balls removed” option. RUDE. 😂

🚗 Pickup: Southwest Charlotte at Planet Pup
🏥 Drop-off: Best Care in Matthews
⏰ Must arrive by 8:00 AM, 8:30 AM AT THE ABSOLUTE LATEST
🛻 Pickup after surgery: Between 3–5 PM

We just need someone willing to chauffeur this handsome idiot to his appointment and/or bring him home afterward—slightly lighter, significantly less fertile, and probably questioning every decision that led him here. 💀😂

If you can help with either trip, PLEASE send us a message!

🚨☀️ GOOD FU***NG MORNING. TOMMY IS FAMOUS, PEOPLE DON’T READ PINNED POSTS, AND APPARENTLY I HAVE TO RUN THIS RESCUE MYSELF. ☀️🚨

Goomba here.

Although apparently since Tommy gets to be Two Mommy Tommy, aka TMT, I would like to remind everyone that I am now officially One Mommy Goombie, aka OMG.

Yes. I gave myself the nickname.

No. I am not accepting feedback.

I took the phone.

Amanda and Alexis are probably going to want it back.

No.

I have s**t to discuss.

First of fu***ng all.

TOMMY MADE IT ON THE DODO AND WERATEDOGS.

Tommy.

Two Mommy Tommy.

TMT.

The man whose primary hobbies include lying on furniture, avoiding precipitation, sunbathing, and acting like his joints have survived three tours in Vietnam.

HE IS FAMOUS NOW.

What the actual f**k.

Meanwhile OMG is sitting over here with ZERO national media coverage.

I have been here for YEARS.

I have survived trainers.

I have survived Amanda.

I have developed an entire personality disorder specifically for this organization.

I have threatened imaginary lawsuits.

I have become the unofficial spokesperson for questionable decisions.

I have carried this rescue on my muscular fu***ng shoulders.

And Tommy lays on a couch looking mildly inconvenienced by life and suddenly THE INTERNET LOVES HIM???

Where is MY Dodo article?

Where is MY WeRateDogs post?

I have a STORY.

I have DEPTH.

I have RANGE.

I HAVE A FU***NG ACRONYM NOW.

I also have several documented behavioral concerns, but that is completely fu***ng irrelevant.

Moving on because apparently I have to do administrative work around here too.

🌎 OUT-OF-STATE PEOPLE.

I am begging you with every remaining molecule of patience in my body:

READ. THE. PINNED. FU***NG. POST.

It is pinned.

That means we took the information and PUT IT AT THE TOP so you could FIND IT.

We have policies regarding out-of-state adoptions.

Some of our dogs can go out of state.

Some cannot.

There are requirements.

There are rules.

There are words.

Please read the words before asking Amanda and Alexis the exact question answered by the words.

I cannot make this any simpler unless I personally arrive at your house with a PowerPoint presentation, and legally I am apparently “not allowed to do that.”

🐕 NEXT. OWNER SURRENDERS.

Holy fu***ng inbox.

We get so many messages every single day asking us to take people’s dogs.

And listen.

Even I, Goomba, Possessor of Approximately Four Feelings, understand that sometimes horrible s**t happens.

Sometimes people genuinely have no other option.

We wish we could help everyone.

WE CAN’T.

We very rarely take owner surrenders because while your dog is currently sitting safely in your home, there are dogs sitting behind shelter doors with actual fu***ng expiration dates.

Those are the dogs we were created to help.

So PLEASE.

If your dog suddenly starts acting differently, GO TO YOUR VETERINARIAN.

Before you decide your dog woke up one morning and chose violence, make sure the poor bastard isn’t in pain.

Pain can change behavior.

Illness can change behavior.

Medical problems can change behavior.

Your dog cannot walk into the kitchen and say,

“Mother, my left hip hurts like a motherf**ker and that is why I tried to bite Uncle Steve.”

Unfortunately.

Then, if the dog is medically okay and the problem is behavioral:

CALL A QUALIFIED TRAINER.

Not Facebook.

Not your neighbor who owned a German Shepherd in 1997.

Not somebody whose entire behavioral plan is whispering “leave it” while holding a piece of cheese.

A TRAINER.

Get help.

Learn what is happening.

Change your management.

Give the dog structure.

Put in the work.

Because sometimes your dog does not need a rescue.

Sometimes YOU need training.

There.

I said it.

Amanda just yelled “GOOMBA.”

Moving on.

🗺️ OTHER STATES.

Every day somebody tags us:

“Can you save this dog in Texas?”

“Can you pull this dog in Florida?”

“Can you help this dog 900 miles away?”

Do you think I have a fu***ng private jet?

I WOULD LOVE ONE.

Paint GOOMBA ONE on the side and I will personally tour the country collecting dogs and frightening small-town officials.

But until someone donates me an aircraft, we have to focus.

We would LOVE to help every state dealing with shelter overpopulation.

We fu***ng hate seeing dogs anywhere lose their lives because there is nowhere for them to go.

But we cannot save the entire country while dogs in our own backyard are dying.

North Carolina has a massive shelter overpopulation problem.

That is where we live.

That is where we work.

That is where our resources have to go first.

And we help our sister state South Carolina because some of those shelters receive so little help that I genuinely do not understand how the humans working there have not walked directly into the woods screaming.

Some have very few rescue partners.

Very little visibility.

Very little support.

And a whole lot of dogs.

So our focus is North Carolina and South Carolina.

Could we start pulling dogs from every state?

Sure.

For approximately seventeen minutes.

Then Amanda and Alexis would be bankrupt, every kennel would be full, every foster would block our number, and I would be selling feet pictures on OnlyPaws to pay the vet bills.

We have to help where we can actually make a difference.

We cannot save everybody.

I fu***ng hate that.

Amanda hates it. Alexis hates it. I hate it.

But burning this entire rescue to the ground trying to save every dog means eventually we save no dogs.

So.

Read the pinned post.

Please try training before surrendering your dog.

Please rule out medical problems.

Please understand why we prioritize NC and SC.

And most importantly:

PLEASE EXPLAIN WHY TMT IS FAMOUS AND OMG IS NOT.

Because I just checked again.

Still no Dodo article about me.

Still no WeRateDogs.

Still no documentary crew.

Nothing.

Tommy is probably asleep right now.

I am running a fu***ng nonprofit.

This is bulls**t.

I’m going back to bed.

-Goomba
One Mommy Goombie
OMG

P.S. Amanda and Alexis, if you’re reading this, I changed the phone password.

P.P.S. Stop asking me what it is. Snitches get muzzles.

P.P.P.S. THAT WAS A JOKE. PUT THE PHONE DOWN, AMANDA.

🌸🚨 GOOD EVENING FROM BLOSSOM, WHO HAS APPARENTLY BEEN WORKING A FU***NG DOUBLE SHIFT AT THE NOTHING FACTORY 🚨🌸

We need somebody to explain to us WHAT THE F**K BLOSSOM IS SO TIRED FROM.

Ma’am.

You are two years old.

You do not have a job.

You do not pay taxes.

You have never opened Microsoft Excel.

You have never had to call Spectrum.

You have never stood in a DMV.

YOU HAVE NO REASON TO LOOK THIS FU***NG EXHAUSTED. 😭😂

And yet every picture we receive of Blossom looks like she just clocked out of a 96 hour shift in the coal mines.

First picture: wedged into those blankets like she just heard someone say, “Who wants to go for a 5-mile walk?” and is now pretending she fu***ng died.

Second picture: curled into a shrimp on the bed looking like the Great Depression personally happened to her.

Third picture: ASS OUT. LEGS EXTENDED. RENT UNPAID. NOT A SINGLE FU***NG CONCERN.

🌸 “Blossom, would you like to go hiking?”

No.

🌸 “Would you like to go to a brewery?”

Absolutely the f**k not.

🌸 “Maybe agility?”

Call Pecan.

🌸 “Dock diving?”

I WILL CALL THE POLICE.

🌸 “Would you like to get off the couch?”

Why the f**k would I do that?

THIS WOMAN HAS BOUNDARIES. 😂

Blossom is about 2 years old, dog friendly, crate trained, low-key, shy at first and quite possibly one of the sweetest damn dogs on the planet.

She is sensitive to loud noises and would love a quieter home because Blossom did not survive whatever imaginary corporate career she apparently retired from just to listen to your children reenact the fall of Rome in the living room.

Her crate is her safe space.

Her bed is also her safe space.

The couch is her safe space.

The blankets are her safe space.

Basically anything horizontal is sacred fu***ng ground.

She would like a family who understands that she is not interested in climbing Mount Everest, becoming an influencer, starting a podcast, pursuing higher education or contributing financially.

She brings VIBES.

That is her contribution.

You bring the mortgage.

Blossom brings the occasional zoomie followed by six to eight business days of recovery. 💀

She is essentially a sentient throw pillow with anxiety and a bladder.

And frankly???

WE CANNOT BELIEVE THIS WOMAN IS STILL AVAILABLE.

Someone please adopt Blossom so she can finally achieve her lifelong dream of doing absolutely fu***ng nothing in a house legally registered to someone else.

🌐 stabrescue.com

🌸 Apply for Blossom.

She will review your application from bed.

Eventually.

Please allow 7–10 business days because she is fu***ng exhausted.