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WASHINGTON — Fresh from accusing the Trump administration of an Epstein files “cover-up” on BBC, Hillary Clinton announced Tuesday she is “completely and totally shocked” that Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor will perish in a tragic single-car accident next week.
The announcement comes one day after the former prince—now stripped of titles—was arrested on his 66th birthday for misconduct in public office, accused of funneling confidential UK trade secrets to Jeffrey Epstein.
“I have no idea why anyone would connect this to Bill’s 26 Lo**ta Express flights,” Clinton said, gently shaking a perfectly normal snow globe. “But if Andrew starts naming names before our congressional deposition, I’ll be as stunned as anyone when his Bentley wraps around a tree at 3 a.m. Tuesday. Totally shocked.”
Conspiracy theorists instantly updated their Clinton Body Count spreadsheet, moving Andrew to the #1 spot.
When pressed on the risk of him exposing Bill’s island visits, Clinton cackled: “Spill the beans? Bill can’t remember where he parked at Chipotle. How tragic. I’ve already queued the condolence tweet for 2:47 a.m. next Tuesday.”
At press time, Andrew was practicing his “I don’t recall” face while Clinton booked an ironclad speaking engagement for the exact hour of the crash. By Gabe Owners, Senior Satirical Correspondent

Fake news we had to pay it back
His billionaire friends don’t have to pay the government anything back

MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! 💸🇺🇸

"For the 2026 tax filing season, taxpayers are expected to take home an additional $91 billion in refunds and keep an additional $30 billion in their paychecks from reduced withholdings."

READ: https://waysandmeans.house.gov/2025/11/17/big-beautiful-success-story-2026-tax-refunds-projected-to-be-largest-ever/

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