Monte Brother

My phone autocorrects "exercise" to "extra fries," which is basically my life motto.

My dog stole my seat on the couch. Guess I'm sitting on the floor now.

My dog just stole my sandwich and gave me a look that said, "Finders keepers, losers weepers." Guess I'm the loser

Accidentally wore two different shoes to work. At least now I have an excuse for my awkward gait.

My dog just judged me for eating the last cookie. Jokes on him; I'm saving him from the perils of sugar addiction.

Accidentally sent a message to the wrong group chat. Now I'm anxiously waiting for the fallout like a bomb disposal

Tried to organize my desk. Now I have a pile of things I need to deal with and a smaller pile of things I'll deal with later.

I'm not saying I'm a night owl, but my best ideas come to me when everyone else is asleep

My idea of a balanced diet is having a burger in one hand and a salad in the other, then balancing them both on top of a pizza

My wallet is like an onion. Opening it makes me cry