Lessons for a Lifetime

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Speaking of S*x and Money…and NO, I Don’t Mean Paying for It Money is a harsh reality. We need it. We want it. We need it to get the things that we need to live a healthy life. Needing money isn’t…

Morning Habits

Creating new habits is tough work. It takes keeping things at the forefront of memory. Especially when the active memory can only hold 6 or 7 things at a time. It requires self-discipline and let’s admit, we don’t all have enough of that. I know I don’t.

I ran across a book called Willpower by Roy F. Baumeister and John Tierney, they describe a concept they call ego depletion. Basically, it says as the day moves forward, your self-discipline and willpower get depleted by all the choices you’ve had to make throughout the day.

They describe an experiment called the radish experiment. There were three groups of people put in front of pieces of chocolate, warm cookies and radishes. The first group was allowed to chose whatever they’d like to eat. The second group was only allowed to select the radishes. The third group was a control group and not allowed to chose any of the food options.

Next they were taken into a room with a puzzle. They had to work on the puzzle. The first group, the group that did not have to demonstrate any willpower worked for about 20 minutes on the puzzle. The second group that had to exert willpower worked for about 8 minutes on the puzzle. Their willpower was depleted. Just like a car gas gauge goes down as you drive the amount of will power you have goes down with the more you have to use it.

The take away is that you have more willpower in the morning. So, if you can, starting a new habit or a habit that you know will be hard such as jogging or hitting the gym will be more likely to stick if you can add it to your morning routine. This makes sense. I know I feel fresh in the morning. By the end of the day I’m tired. I don’t want to make decisions. I don’t want to start something new and here is one of the reasons why. To sum things up, you’ve got X amount of willpower to power your day. Your tank is full when you get out of bed. That is the best time to add something new you want to make a habit.

Anchoring Habits

Habits are a good thing. They are the transfer of conscious actions to the subconscious. We just automatically do them after they are formed. Sometimes when you stack habits onto other habits, they get called routines and we’ll get to the value of routines and how routines can help make new habits stick in a minute.

Studies have shown it take approximately 68 days to form a new habit. I like to go with the number 90 because it takes me longer. I also like to make sure my habits are cemented in place. I also know I can be lazy and like to put off things I have to do so I assume it takes me longer to make a habit.

Forming new habits, I used to think was about self-control and good ole’ fashion discipline. Through trying to create new habits such as habit relating to this blog, I’m learning that you can anchor them onto other habits to help ensure you don’t forget them.

Let me give you and example. Medicines I’m on recently go changed. The medicine I used to be on I had to take with food so I took it at dinner time. The medicine I’m on now makes me sleepy so I have to take it at bed time. This is out of my routine and I was forgetting.

I have a night time routine. I put sleeping clothes on, I brush my teeth, I feed the cat and do a few other things. I do this right before getting into my bed. I’ve since added taking me medicine into the bedtime routine instead of trying to remember to do it on it own. It’s now part of my nighttime routine and I’m pleased to say it’s been a while since I’ve forgot to take my medicine. The only draw back is I have to wait 20 minutes or slow for the sleep effect to kick in and help me fall asleep which to me is no big thing for remembering to take medicine.

I’m sure you also have routines. I could be your get ready in the morning routine, it could be your go to the gym routine. The goal here is to leverage what you’re already doing as multiple habits forming a routine to add in something new.

In his book Habit Stacking S. J. Scott talks about this very thing. He refers to these routines as stacks and recommends having habits that build up to a larger goal like getting the kids off to day school or daycare paired together to form a routine. This can also be looked at as chunking down or breaking a big task into smaller doable mini habits.

Whatever you want to call it, routines or habit stacking it’s the same concept. It’s breaking the whole down into pieces and leveraging what you’re already doing. Add in a little self-discipline and you’ve got a new habit. I know I know, habits are hard to form and the easily fall by the wayside, but adding them to your routine will make sure you don’t forget and these new actions make it to your subconscious mind.

I Don’t Care for Cheat Days

This is my opinion. I didn’t read this anywhere and I don’t have any scientific advice to back this up but when creating a new habit or routine, I don’t like cheat days. It seems to me when we’re trying to acquire a new behavior through repetition and have that transferred down to the automatic part of the brain breaking the chain or repetition is a hindrance.

I’ve had this happen to many times. I’m trying to create a new habit or routine (I define routine as a chain of habits) I miss a day. It’s easy to miss a day because life is unpredictable and you may have missed your goal as a reason but missing two consecutive days shows and unraveling of the chain. Miss two days isn’t a crack it’s a shattered windshield.

I’ve had health kicks. I was working on losing weight and was successful with it. I was eating salads every day for lunch and dinner with either a baked chicken breast or a couple links of chicken sausage and a healthy dressing. This worked great for me. For my body I lose more weight through diet than I do through exercise. But then I started to miss a day or let myself have a cheat day and eat something like ice cream. This was actually counter productive in two ways. It weakened the strength of my habit chain. Also, eating the outcome neutralized what I was trying to do with the habit.

Rewards are a good thing for building a habit. But they can’t be counterproductive. If you’re trying to lose weight, you can’t reward with yourself with donuts.

Another healthy goal of mine was to exercise every day. I know I don’t like going to the gym and I didn’t want to pay the member fee. I worked on the 21st floor of the office building I was working in. I started to climb the stairs three times a day. I also started missing days with this habit. Then I started missing consecutive days. When I was missing consecutive days, my new habit was demolished.

Also, if you miss on related tasks that may not be in the same routine, they can have an adverse effect on each other. When I started missing my walks up the steps in my building is when I started missing eating my rabbit food salads.

If you have to miss a day, try to make a preemptive strike. I learned this from a friend Julie. When she had a date or was going to a happy hour. She decided how many drinks she was going to have, calculated the calories and made sure to work off the calories before going out. Another example would be if you’re trying to keep you home more organized and cleaner and you do cleaning in a routine on a given day(s), try to preemptively do your cleaning before whatever exertion is going to make you miss your cleaning routine.
Like I said, I have no concrete evidence this is the way to go about things but this is what I learned through trial and error. Try it both ways. I’ve met people I’m not sure could build a new habit without a cheat day, but they are in the minority.

What Relationships Boil Down to

How can a blogger write a blog without talking about relationships? There are gin and platonic relationships, romantic relationships and business relationships. Who gets to write without writing about relationships at one point or another?

I’ve had my fair share of relationships. I’ve had good ones I’ve had bad ones. Even the bad ones were and are still important to me. We have relationships for different reasons. Sometimes it’s to get a head and sometimes it’s because we need a little comfort in life.

Relationships, all relationships, parent child, best buddies and the romantic relationships all boil down to one thing; being there when you partner needs you the most. We’re social creatures. Evolution has made us that way. Millions of years ago we stayed in groups for protection and you had to rely on each other to stay safe. Now those dangers are for the most part gone but evolution doesn’t undo things in several thousand years that it spent hundreds of thousands even millions of years designing and testing.

I think many of us having been on the receiving or giving end of a conversation that includes, “You weren’t there for me.” It’s what we come to expect from of closest friends and family. That’s actually the reason you chose them to be closest with you because you felt you could rely on them.

When I think back on my life, I can see a lot of times where I was let down. Friends that let me down mostly. Because of that, I now realize I’m very sensitive to people being reliable. If someone isn’t reliable, I don’t just cast them aside. But I put them in a friend container of people that I don’t rely on. They’re more people just to have fun with. It does lesson them as friends and does lesson how much I care about them because they’ve already proven unreliable. Reliability is something I look for. People that can commit and follow through are rare these days and should be held close as friends.

A good question to ask yourself is are you reliable. Do you keep your word? If you do, you’re going to attract people that are the same and have better relationships. Basically you get back what you put out.

Don’t Talk with your Head Full

I’m human and like most I get caught up in the moment and say things I don’t always mean. That’s why I’m suggesting starting to write before you talk. You can write a letter the ole fashion way or send one of these new-fangled e-mail thingy-ma-bobs. But you don’t have to. I’m not suggesting you only communicate heated subjects via letter. Writing takes thought and it also takes time. It gives you a chance to really think and collect your thoughts so you say what you really want to say.

Think about getting angry. Not only does your face turn red your face gets so hot you can feel it. You’re grinding your teeth and feel the air turn cool as it hits the sweat starting to erupt out of your skin. You can feel your heart starting to thump in your chest. Every tiny little detail of the situation becomes an irritating annoyance. Basically, your body is preparing for battle. That being the case, is what’s about to come out of your mouth really what you want to say given that fact?

Or the green monster, jealousy. Let’s take a look. A pit forms in your stomach. Not butterflies but the feeling of loss you fear is coming. Your chest flushes, your mouth goes dry. The tides turn between self-confidence and self-doubt. Frequently some instinct kicks in to put down your friend or colleague. Is this really the time to speak your mind?

Again, I’m not suggesting you have to write a letter. You can write yourself a journal entry and clarify your thoughts before you talk about what’s troubling you. And I do mean write. Don’t just rehearse what you want say in the mirror. That’s actually still what’s on the top of your head, you’re just trying to pump up your confidence to say it. Actually, writing it out takes a lot of thought and you’ll find your thoughts clarify a lot through writing. By the way, texting doesn’t count. That is still saying the first thing off the top of your head.

This is also great in more than conflict situations. Think of job interviews. There are some questions you just know you’re going to be asked. Such as why are you leaving your current job? Why do you want to come work for us? And my favorite, tell us about a weakness you have. Writing will really make you think. Writing is an excellent way of preparing anytime you have to speak.

Compare Yourself to Yourself Yesterday

I’m big on personal growth and constantly trying to learn and improve myself. In another writing I wrote to set a goal and work towards it by trying to grow and reach your aspiration by changing 1% a day. That’s slow going but we all know the fable of the tortoise and the hare.

Back in high school I was a really tall and very skinny kid. I was 6’ 3” and graduated high school weighing 163 pounds. I wanted to look like the bigger kids and wanted to play football with my friends so I got real into weightlifting trying to bulk up.

I read all the bodybuilding magazines and read all the books. What I learned is the top bodybuilders at their peaks when doing the bench press or leg press, they were trying to increase their weight one pound at a time. They knew exactly what they squatted the last time. They were comparing themselves to themselves the last time they did that exercise. That’s how they saw they were growing and succeeding.

They weren’t comparing themselves to the person next to them, they were comparing themselves to themselves looking for that small growth. If we compare ourselves to others, we’re not going to see our own growth. That gets frustrating. Also, if we look for a big change to quick, we may miss out on all the small successes we’re making. Those small successes let you know that you are indeed moving forward.

This is a big reason all those new year’s resolutions fail. You start off too fast or expect too much in a short period of time. Just look to yesterday and look for that little bit of growth. It may be fitness related but it can also be an improvement you made at work or steps you’re taking towards mending a marriage.

We should be trying to grow and improve a little everyday and looking at yourself yesterday you can see it and congratulate yourself. It may also give you the strength to keep on keepin’ on.

The Inner Critic

The inner critic. It’s something that we all have. It’s that voice in the back of your head questioning you, judging you and telling you you’re not good enough. In Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning the inner critic is, “Is kind of a psychological jackal who, with every attack, weakens and breaks down any good feelings you have about yourself.” It’s a nefarious force we must learn to combat.

A loud critic will make you shut down. A loud critic will prevent you from taking the risks in life that will make you succeed. This voice is toxic. This voice goes along with you everywhere you go drowning out the compliments you receive and obliterating your successes. All past failures will come screaming up from your subconscious. The critic is an insidious beast. To make things worse this will lead to a process called chaining where the first failure will lead you to ruminating about all your failures.

The inner voice starts being formed in childhood. You may hear words or voices like you did as a child when your parents scolded you. It takes on more voices as you grow older. Maybe that of a particularly harsh boss or teacher.

In its own way what the inner critic is trying to do is prevent pain. This is odd seeing as how it causes so much pain. The inner critic keeps you from acting. It tries to prevent you attempting something that might result in pain. When you were a kid you tried things and sometimes fell flat on your butt. Your subconscious remembers this pain and tries to stop it from happening again. If not attempting the next new thing saves you from feeling pain, your subconscious remembers this. Or if not acting prevents being chastised from a parent or teacher you’ll remember this. Next time you’re in a situation where you can feel pain, your critic tries to talk you out of it so you don’t feel any pain.

In order to defeat the critic, listen to the sound he makes in your head. This is necessary so you know when the critic is attacking vs. realizing something is a legitimate thought. You have to know what the voice sounds like so you can scream back at him. You’re going to have to really let loose and scream at your critic. Remember you have been listening to him your whole life and you’ve even started to trust it. You suffered years of abuse from the critic.

Make a list of all the things you don’t like about yourself. We’re going to work on reframing. Reframing is taking a look at a situation and viewing it with a new healthy perspective. For example, if you didn’t get a job you wanted, you could say, “I didn’t get the job I wanted but that only means there is a better one out there.” Also, you want to use positive language in your reframing. An example would be “My killer dinner was no good” a positive refrain would be, “I didn’t succeed in cooking this dinner” but I am a good cook; this was just an off day. Try not use black and white words in your reframe like always, never or every time. And last, look for examples where items on your list aren’t true. This helps you avoid the black and white thinking and you can also feel good about yourself because now you can shoot holes in the critic.

Now make a second list with all your good qualities. I now you may feel uncomfortable doing so. I know I did. But take a reasonable and honest look at yourself. You’ve got good qualities. I’m sure of that. You have a list written, go over each one and pay attention to the last time you used your good qualities. Wait and see just how often it’s your good qualities that show up for business.

10-10-10

We are emotional creatures. It’s part of being human. The hard part about this is logic and emotion don’t exist together. To be mentally tough, we have to learn to control our emotions. This is key, there is a difference between controlling your emotions and suppressing them. Mentally tough individuals still feel and experience their emotions, but don’t let those emotions take control of them.

Reacting emotionally can drive away family, friends and significant others. If you lose your job or get into a car wreck and flip out in anger, people aren’t going to see you as a grounded individual. These are life events and they will happen. These strong responses lead to irrational reactive decisions. On top of reactive decisions, you may also become paralyzed by fear from uncontrolled emotions. No reaction is just as bad as over reacting.

That being said, suppressing emotions is not an option either. When you’re suppressing your emotions, you get angry and irritable. Those emotions will fill up like a bucket filling up with water until it eventually spills out and overflows creating a mess that is never fun to clean up. Sometimes it even results in exploding and taking it out on innocent loved ones or co-workers.

Suppressing and holding in your emotions has physiological effects. Studies have been done on crying. Emotional tears are different than other tears such as when your eyes water from allergies or cutting onions in the kitchen. Emotional tears contain hormones and endorphins designed to make you feel better. Crying is healthy even if manly men think it makes your week.

To be emotionally and mentally healthy you have to get these emotions out. This can be done in any number of healthy ways. A good cry is just one, but journaling, exercising and meditating are all good options. It’s when people turn to drugs and alcohol or even spending significant amounts of money that problems begin to arise.

A technique I’ve learned to use when trying to control my reactivity to incidents is the 10-10-10 method. This basically comes into play when some negative inciting event happens. You ask yourself in 10 minutes is this going to matter. In 10 hours is this going to matter? In 10 days is this going to matter? Sometimes this can help you put things back into perspective. If I get rear-ended and it’s just a minor fender bender and nobody gets hurt. In 10 minutes I’m still going to be mad. In 10 hours I’m probably just going to be thankful nobody got hurt. In 10 days, I probably won’t care. Thinking this way can help me not react in extremes like yelling or screaming.

What I Learned from a Man in a Wheelchair

I was in the hospital recently. I had a roommate. He looked to be in his mid-thirties about the same age as me. We’ll call him Tony. The thing about Tony was he was in a wheelchair. We talked but I never asked him what happened and he didn’t offer it up. There are some things I don’t ask unless the other person brings it up first.

Aside from the wheelchair he did tell me he was in the middle of a divorce and mentally in a bad place. I felt for him but I didn’t feel bad. I don’t feel bad for people because I don’t want people feeling bad for me.

I’ve been having knee problems. For a long while I was attributing it to the fact that recently I’ve been packing on the pounds. When Tony was around, I didn’t say anything about my knees. But when he wasn’t around, I’d tell the nurses about the pain I was in.

I caught myself doing this and wondered why. Obviously, I wasn’t complaining because Tony had it worse. My knees aren’t the Ferrari of knees. Actually, they’re more like a Pinto with a broken muffler. But I’ve still got both of my legs and for that I’m happy.

When I thought about this is the way I now needed to be. If there is a person I wouldn’t complain about a problem to, they I probably actually have something I should be grateful for. And yes, I’m very grateful for the fact I still have ten fingers and ten toes.

I’ve come to realize that having gratitude is an important part of life. Yes, it’s true. You can always find somebody that has it worse off than you do and frequently people just feel bad for them. I’m talking about having good heart felt gratitude. My mom has terminal cancer right now but it’s growing at a very slow pace and I can’t tell you had grateful I am she is still around even if her life is hard.

It feels good to have gratitude. It feels good to be grateful. It’s nice knowing that the gifts I’ve been given outweigh the burdens I have to stomach. Tonight, I’m feeling grateful that I do have my legs. I’m also feeling grateful to Tony for the important life’s lesson that he taught me.