The Adoptee In Me

A deep truth for adoptees who need a reminder…

You cannot lose value because someone else lost clarity.

I know how it feels to internalize someone else’s decision as your own reflection.

Always remember, it’s not. 🧡

New Love is Blind: Guys need to stop asking the adoptee if she wants to adopt. 🤨

I’ve been sitting with a familiar feeling this week. It feels similar to a feeling many of us in the adoptee community know well. I’m realizing it echoes what we often call ambiguous grief or loss.

I know that term traditionally refers to the loss of a person who is physically absent but psychologically present (or vice versa), but it feels similar.

As adoptees, we understand how it feels to grieve parents we never got to know, a life we were born into but never lived, loss without a funeral, and pain without clear edges.

Facing a serious health threat has stirred a similar feeling of grief in me.

Today’s post hospital follow up was a reality check. Hearing words like increased risk, not stable and you need to rest and heal hit differently, despite having heard similar words the past few weeks.

Being on the sidelines has me grieving my normal life. I’m told to stop, to wait, to rest, but everything in me wants to keep moving.

It’s grief for the version of myself who felt steady and uninterrupted.
Grief for momentum. For certainty. For the assumption that tomorrow would look like yesterday.

It’s heavy and carries ambiguity because something significant shifted without resolution. It feels like I’m trapped in someone else’s life. I worked hard on my healing journey for many years to strengthen my identity. Suddenly part of me is missing.

As adoptees, we are unfortunately used to holding complex, invisible losses while still functioning. What I have learned is that grief like this doesn’t disappear, but it softens when it’s named, and when it is witnessed.

Writing and connecting are how I make sense of hard seasons. This is one of them and I am posting here on my adoptee page, because I know you get it and I am not alone.

Some grief is not meant to be solved. It’s meant to be seen.

For my fellow adoptees:
Have you ever felt that ambiguous kind of grief resurface during other life changes? What brought it up for you?

Thanks for being here and sharing the journey. 🧡

Anyone else watching Girlboss? 🧡

I was drawn to it for the strong, successful female plot, but pulled in by the mother abandonment backstory. While not an adoptee, the main character’s anger, independence, drive and resilience are extremely relatable. Inspiring story told beautifully! Highly recommend.

Hi, everyone! I had to step away while I worked through a major life transition. I am in a great place now and have been working toward a personal goal that will be happening next month. I’m posting to say Happy New Year 🥳 and to let you know regardless of how active I am (or not), my adoptee community is always in my heart. 🧡

I recently started posting more on my personal page, so please follow me there if you would like. I’m not stepping away from this page, but I’m proud to say I am at a point where I no longer feel the need to keep my adoptee truths separate. In 2025 I focused on showing up as my integrated self everywhere, even when it meant being vulnerable with colleagues, walking away from relationships that were not aligned with who I am becoming, or stepping outside of my comfort zone to pursue new growth opportunities.

This year my focus (not resolution) is peace, both as a mindset and a decision lens. I’m looking forward to the blessings and lessons to come in 2026, and especially excited about the accomplishment of my personal goal, which I will share very soon.

Thank you for…
🧡 being here
🧡 staying while I took a pause, and
🧡 sharing the journey

What are you focused on, or most looking forward to in 2026?

It’s that time of year again. Happy birthday, Mom. 😇🥺

Hello, all! How are you? I have been better, but I’m doing OK. The combination of personal and professional life stress, a business trip this week and a birthday coming up Friday, has me in deep thought about life, standards and boundaries.

One question I’m contemplating, and would LOVE your thoughts about, is how our energy evolves on our healing journey. I’m beginning to realize how the vibration or energy we have at any point on this journey drives our decisions. As we heal and become stronger, our vibration is higher and with that seems to come a higher bar for what we want, what we will tolerate and what we need to be fulfilled and happy. While this all sounds ideal, it can lead to a completely different outlook on decisions we made previously.

I think choosing ourselves first, also means making some very tough decisions about the people in our lives and the way we spend our time both professionally and personally. Who can relate and what tough decisions have you made in the spirit of being true to your higher vibration, stronger, more healed self?

Thanks for sharing the journey 🧡

There should be adoptee sensitivity training for healthcare professionals.

At a diagnostic mammogram today, I get the usual family history question most of us hate.

I say “I’m adopted so I don’t really know, but (feeling slightly proud to know a little from my search) I found my mother and she was deceased but I did learn she died of cancer. I heard it was ovarian, not breast, but I have no documentation”

You know what her response was?

“Well, that’s more information than most adoptees get.”

I had no words. 😶

Of all the things someone could say! I told you my mom was deceased and died of cancer but you choose to invalidate my experience and dare I say expect me to be grateful about the little bit of devastating information I uncovered in my search? And how are you an authority on “most adoptees”?????

And now I’m stuck in this cold room half naked with you for 25 minutes, while you put me in very awkward poses that cause physical discomfort? Lovely 🙄

We made it through another holiday! 🎉 Good job regardless of whether you went to a party, just stayed in your PJs at home, or something inbetween! 🥰 I slept in and didn’t put real clothing on until about 4:00 pm. 😜

This reminds me… Where are my fellow INFP or INFJ peeps at? I am borderline P/J and have tested both ways 🙋🏽‍♀️ I’m home alone today and it’s making me so happy! It’s funny because many mistake me as an Extrovert due to my career and social prowess 🤣 Times like this remind me I’m a true introvert who has adapted A LOT! I’m way too happy just knowing I don’t have to speak to anyone! Love this post or leave me an 🧡 if you relate to this.

When I feel my feelings, I write to process them, honor my truth and move forward. 🧡 I dedicate this to my fellow adoptees and others who have experienced mother loss, struggling with Mother’s Day.

Mother 🤰🏼
What does this word mean to me? While this descriptor is part of my identity, sadly my relationship with this word was formed long before I gave birth. It was just a word. I had no experience with a mother that I could remember. I never had anyone to use this title with. She left a blank space on my birth certificate and in my life. No loving mom memories. No emotional mom connection. No unconditional mom love like I feel for my child. Just emptiness. Missing memories. What ifs and years of tears and wondering where she was and why she left me at the age of three.

The story never made sense to me. 🤷🏽‍♀️ I understood even less after giving birth and becoming a mother myself. I wasn’t ready, but as soon as I saw my baby’s face - and my reflection - for the first time, I was committed to doing whatever it took to protect him and be the mother I had longed for.

While I was raised by a single father who loves me, that hole in my heart was ever present. 😔 It burned deep and engulfed my thoughts. Knowing she left me as a toddler made me believe I was a defective daughter. I grew up with the deeply held feeling that I was damaged in a way that made me unlovable by the one person who was suppose to love me the most. Sadly, my feelings are not unique. These are the thoughts that many adoptees live with, often in secret. In some cases, for a lifetime. But not in this case.

It took years to understand my complex feelings about the trauma of maternal separation. Now in my 40s after years of self discovery and an intentional healing journey,

🧡 I know that I was not the problem.
🧡 I know better than to internalize her decision.
🧡 I know my value.
🧡 I know that I am not a defective daughter.
🧡 I know I am a cycle breaker.
🧡 I know I did my best to be a good mother after growing up without one.

Today, I both mourn my missing mom memories and celebrate my journey of healing and motherhood.

What does the word “mother” mean to you?

Feeling my feelings about her blank space on my birth certificate and in my life.

The people, the content, the conversations, the connections…Untangling Our Roots is an incredible experience! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 🧡🔥🧡