Heather in the Rough

Abuse isn’t always constant — it moves in patterns of tension, explosion, apology, and calm, trapping victims in a painful loop of hope and fear.

If someone you care about is stuck in this cycle, please remember: they’re surviving the best way they know how.

Your patience, belief, and steady presence might be the lifeline that helps them one day step out of the cycle for good.

If you’ve recognized this pattern in your own relationship, know that awareness is the beginning of freedom.

You don’t have to leave today. You just have to start believing you deserve peace.

You are not alone, and help is available.

U.S. National DV Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

When someone begins to heal out loud after an abusive relationship, it can make others uncomfortable — especially those who’ve been influenced by the abuser’s version of events. This discomfort sometimes leads to smear campaigns, or even accusations that the survivor is “the real narcissist” or “the abuser.”

This is a common tactic, not proof of wrongdoing. Here are a few important distinctions:

Advocacy vs. Smear:
Advocacy focuses on education, awareness, and sharing lived experience.
Smear campaigns aim to control narratives and discredit others.

Boundaries vs. Attacks:
Setting boundaries, going no contact, or choosing not to associate with certain people is not abuse.
It’s a self-protective response to harm.

Projection is real:
Abusive individuals often accuse survivors of the very behaviors they engaged in.
Their allies may repeat this narrative, sometimes without realizing it.

Survivor self-doubt is common:
Many survivors question themselves when they’re accused of being the “problem.”
Reflecting on your behavior is healthy; internalizing false narratives is not.

Sharing your story publicly doesn’t make you an abuser. Using your voice doesn’t harm — abuse does. If others are uncomfortable, that’s their work to do, not yours.

Narcissistic supply refers to the attention, admiration, and emotional reactions that a narcissistic person relies on to maintain their self-image. This “supply” can be positive (praise, affection, admiration) or negative (arguments, jealousy, fear).

Understanding how narcissistic supply works helps explain why their behavior can feel so confusing and draining. It’s not about genuine connection — it’s about sustaining control and ego.

Realizing that your love, pain, and reactions were used as supply can be devastating — but it also comes with much needed clarity.

You were never too sensitive, emotional, needy, or intense. You were feeding someone who depended on your energy to feel powerful.

Reactive abuse is not the same as mutual abuse.

Sometimes, after months or years of being controlled, betrayed, or provoked, the victim has one reactive moment — yelling, hitting, or lashing out — often after the abuser has deliberately baited them.

Abusers may even encourage this reaction (“You can hit me if it makes you feel better,” “Go ahead, I can take it”), knowing they can use it later as “evidence” to flip the narrative. Once it happens, they highlight that one moment while erasing their own repeated patterns of control, violence, or betrayal.

Here’s the truth: Abuse is determined by patterns of power and control, not one emotional reaction. A single reactive moment does not make the victim “just as bad” as their abuser. It often shows how deeply manipulated and cornered they were.

Unfortunately, abusers frequently use this tactic to smear victims publicly — even recruiting new partners or friends to repeat the distorted story. This doesn’t change the facts. It reveals how calculated their manipulation is.

If this happened to you:
– Document everything.
– Be honest and upfront (you have nothing to hide).
– Keep emphasizing the pattern, not the isolated reaction.
– Don’t let their smear campaign silence your truth.

Reactive abuse is a trap, not a reflection of who you are.

Narcissistic discard isn’t just a breakup — it’s a calculated withdrawal of emotional, physical, and social investment once you no longer serve their ego.

It’s often sudden, cruel, and confusing, leaving survivors searching for answers that don’t exist.

Being discarded by an abuser feels brutal — like you’ve been erased overnight. But their discard isn’t proof of your inadequacy.

It’s a sign of their emotional shallowness and control cycle.

The discard reveals their capacity, not your worth. Healing starts when you stop trying to make sense of their behavior and start reclaiming your reality.

Enmeshment comes at the cost of individuality and autonomy.

Healthy closeness involves love and connection, but with respect for individual boundaries.

When a parent enmeshes with a child, boundaries don’t exist. The child learns love means self-sacrifice or performing a role to be accepted. Instead of being allowed to develop their own identity, the child is used to meet the parent’s emotional needs. The result? A false self. Some children cope by people-pleasing. Others cope by adopting narcissistic defenses. Both come from the same wound: “Who I really am isn’t safe to be.”

As adults, this often shows up in romantic relationships as enmeshment all over again. We either fuse with a partner’s emotions, losing ourselves in the process, or we demand that they fuse with us, as we are unable to tolerate independence.

Healthy love doesn’t require you to lose yourself. A loving relationship should consist of two individuals who are safe to be their authentic selves without fear.

Abusers rarely act alone. They send out “flying monkeys”—people who push their agenda and do their dirty work. Individuals most likely to take on these roles are mothers of abusers and the new supply.

They might relay messages, defend the abuser, help in spreading the smear campaign, or try to guilt you into forgiving them or even dropping charges. Whether they know it or not, they’re keeping the abuse alive post-separation.

You don’t have to fight every rumor, correct every lie, or engage with their messengers. You don’t have to defend yourself against people who are committed to misunderstanding you. The truth will come out in time.

Triangulation was one of the main tactics used on me in my abusive relationship.

He constantly compared me to his previous ex.
He told me she has “the most perfect face on the planet.”
He secretly invited her to an event we attended and pretended he didn’t know how she found out about it.
He cheated on me and discarded me to try to go back to her.
He used her name to torment me throughout our entire relationship.
I stayed through all of this because I was trauma-bonded to him, I didn’t want to uproot my kids’ lives again, and he pretended to take accountability and went to therapy.
The demise of the relationship happened when he had yet another inappropriate interaction with her after pretending to be over her for a year.

If they compare you to their ex, that’s not love — that’s abuse.
Triangulation isn’t romance, it’s manipulation.
No one who loves you will make you compete to feel worthy.

I knew I would face judgement and backlash for my advocacy. I'm fully aware that most people do not understand this.

That's exactly why I'm doing it. The people who get it, get it. If you don't, I'm so happy for you.
That means you've never been through this insanely painful, earth-shattering experience.

I'm not afraid to lose more "friends." It's already helping others, and that helps me to continue healing.

Thank you to anyone who has supported my posts in any way. ❤️‍🩹