Living

I ALMOST BECAME ROASTED CHICKEN BECAUSE OF A SNAPCHAT FILTER.

Listen, my people. I’ve survived Juba potholes, MTN data theft, and village aunties asking “when are you marrying?”
But nothing prepared me for the day my girlfriend tried to burn my house down over a FILTER.

Yes. A FILTER.
Not cheating. Not a baby mama. A FILTER.

My name is Mariano. H.E Ghetto President.
I’ve been dating Sandra for 1 year. Sandra is fine, hot, and has two personalities: Angel when she wants money, and Devil when she sees WhatsApp blue ticks.
Her hobbies? Loving me, and fighting strangers on Twitter like it’s her side hustle.

Me? I’m peaceful. I dodge drama like JEDCO dodges stable electricity.

Now let me tell you how I almost became barbecue.

Saturday evening. I’m at home, drinking malt, minding my business like responsible citizen.
Then BOOM. Door kicked open.

Sandra stormed in, face redder than MTN balance after 2 minutes of YouTube.
Phone in her hand like it was court evidence.

“WHO IS SHE?!” she screamed.

I blinked. “Who is who, madam?”

“The girl in your Snapchat story! The one with green eyes and waist smaller than my future! Who is she?!”

I grabbed her phone.
Checked the evidence.

Bro…
IT WAS ME.

Sandra saw my gender-swap filter and thought I was cheating with myself.
She didn’t even recognize her own boyfriend. 😭😭

At first I laughed.
WRONG MOVE.

“YOU THINK IT’S FUNNY?!” she hissed.
“Sandra, it’s me,” I said, still laughing like idiot.
She snatched the phone: “Mariano, does THIS look like you?!”

I looked again.
Honestly? No.
The filter wiped my beard, deleted my jawline, and gave me Rihanna lips.
I looked like a babe from Instagram selling skincare.

I tried to explain. Sandra was not hearing it.
She started searching my house like ICC prosecutor looking for war crimes.
I saw her smell my pillow. For perfume? For incense? For Holy Spirit? I don’t know.

Then the madness upgraded.

She grabbed my gas lighter and said:
“Mariano, if you don’t confess, I will burn this house and your lies with it.”

MY BLOOD PRESSURE PACKED ITS BAGS AND LEFT.

“Sandra, it’s me o! It’s a FILTER! Check my Snapchat!”
But Sandra was on 100% vibes and violence.
She stormed the kitchen and twisted the gas k**b.

MY SPIRIT WROTE ITS WILL IN 3 SECONDS.

“Sandra, I swear on my grandfather’s grave, it’s me! Let’s take another picture now!”
She paused: “You think I’m stupid?”
“Sandra, before we both turn into suya, just check!”

Finally, she agreed.
I opened Snapchat, hit the same filter, and BOOM — same fine babe appeared.

Sandra gasped: “JESUS! So this was YOU?”
“YES!”

She looked at the phone. Looked at me. Looked back at the phone.
Then burst into laughter so loud, neighbors thought we were fighting for land.

War ended.
House saved.
My heart rate returned from the dead.

But that day I learned:
If your relationship doesn’t give you hypertension, is it even love?

Moral of the story:
Ladies, hide your gas lighter before opening Snapchat.
Men, hide your face before using gender-swap filters.


✍️ Mariano,
Ghetto President 🥷

Dear friends, colleagues and my beloved followers, good evening.

I am going to missed you for a couples of weeks or months.

My phone have technical issues and I will be offline.

To reach out to me and check on me, kindly called me via +211980772244/ 0920 772 244 .

From the moment I journeyed to GENESIS Hotel through EXODUS Road, I realized life itself is a living scripture filled with lessons, encounters, and revelations.

Along the way, I saw LEVITICUS carefully recording the NUMBERS of people gathered at DEUTERONOMY Square, while JOSHUA stood patiently at the Beautiful Gate, waiting for the JUDGES to witness RUTH calling out passionately, “SAMUEL! SAMUEL!”

Soon after, the First and Second KINGS of CHRONICLES arrived to visit EZRA, NEHEMIAH, and ESTHER following the unfortunate situation surrounding their brother, JOB.

In the midst of sorrow, they lifted their voices in PSALMS and taught the younger generation timeless PROVERBS concerning ECCLESIASTES and the eternal wisdom found in the SONG OF SOLOMON.

At the same moment, ISAIAH was deeply engaged in discussing JEREMIAH’S LAMENTATIONS alongside EZEKIEL and DANIEL, their trusted companion. Yet HOSEA and JOEL were nowhere to be found.

Three days later, AMOS, OBADIAH, and JONAH boarded the same ship with MICAH and NAHUM on a spiritual journey toward Jerusalem. Along the road, HABAKKUK visited ZEPHANIAH, who warmly introduced him to HAGGAI, a close friend of ZACHARIAH, whose cousin was MALACHI.

Immediately after the gathering, MATTHEW, MARK, LUKE, and JOHN became actively involved in the ACTS of the ROMANS, whose behavior closely resembled that of the First CORINTHIANS group, especially because the Second CORINTHIANS remained in constant disagreement with the GALATIANS and EPHESIANS.

Meanwhile, the PHILIPPIANS, who shared a close bond with the COLOSSIANS, advised that during the First THESSALONIANS visit, attention should first be given to the Second THESSALONIANS mission.

They further recommended visiting the brothers, First TIMOTHY and Second TIMOTHY, who had traveled to the house of TITUS to help PHILEMON, their younger brother, learn how to read and write in HEBREW.

Upon hearing these remarkable events, JAMES asked PETER repeatedly to explain how the Three JOHNS had revealed to JUDE the REVELATIONS surrounding the entire journey.

This is more than a story.
It is a reminder that every chapter of life carries wisdom, every journey contains purpose, and every generation must learn to connect knowledge with faith, unity, and understanding.

✍️ Mariano
Ghetto President✊

🎉 I earned the fan favorite badge this week, recognizing me for consistently having meaningful conversations with my fans while sharing unique, relatable content!

Appreciate everyone, thank you so much.

I MISTAKENLY SLAPPED A SOLDIER AND MY DESTINY TRIED TO RESIGN.

My people, gather here. Yesterday Juba showed me pepper that I will explain to my grandchildren.

I entered bus, minding my business like responsible citizen. Earpiece in, music on, eyes closed. Not my wahala.

Then one man started disturbing the conductor for change. The conductor refused. Before we knew it, they were exchanging insults hotter than JEDCO bill.

I sighed, increased my volume. “Not my problem.”

Then GBAAM! The man slapped the conductor. Hot, resounding slap. The type that resets destiny and sends ancestors to WhatsApp group call.

Conductor screamed: “AH! YOU SLAP ME?!” and stretched his hand to retaliate.

That’s where my destiny entered wrong group chat.

Conductor swung. The stubborn man dodged.
And guess where the slap landed?
MY FACE.

MY BROTHER… I saw my village.
My ear started ringing GBIM GBIM GBIM like St. Theresa Cathedral bell on Sunday morning.
I didn’t think. I didn’t pray. I just returned the slap immediately. GBAM! Fast and sharp.

Bus went silent. Dead silence. Even the engine felt embarrassed.

I was still breathing heavy, hand raised, ready for round 2…
Then I noticed.

I SLAPPED THE WRONG PERSON.

It wasn’t the stubborn man.
It was a SOLDIER sitting quietly at the back.

MY PEOPLE… I knew I had died.
My spirit started packing load. “Mariano, we are leaving this body today.”

The soldier just turned and looked at me.
No expression. No anger. No words.
That blank face was worse than beating. That’s how I knew I was finished.

I immediately started stammering:
“Bro, it’s not what it looks like… I thought… it was… he started…”

He just sighed and said: “Come down.”

MY LEGS FAILED ME.
I wanted to jump out of the moving bus and run to Panyagor. But where would I start?
The conductor was looking away.
The stubborn man was looking away.
Even passengers who were laughing 2 seconds ago were now staring at the window like they didn’t know me.

Long story short… after plenty of begging, plenty of “bro I’m sorry, I’m a doctor, I have patients, please don’t finish me”…
He let me go.

But before I stepped out, he looked at me and said one sentence that still haunts me till today:

“Next time, look before you slap.”

MY PEOPLE…
Learn from me.
In Juba, never slap in anger.
Because you might slap peace, and peace will slap you back with rank and uniform. 😭😭

Till today, whenever I hear “come down”, I check if I’m near barracks.


✍️ Mariano,
Ghetto President 🥷

I WALKED PAST A CEMETERY AND WITNESSED PURE DRAMA.

My people, yesterday afternoon I couldn’t get boda boda. No money, no bike, only leg version of transport. So I decided to trek home like Moses crossing Red Sea.

On the way, I passed through that cemetery near Hai Referendum. You know how sometimes curiosity is stronger than fear? That was me.

As I was passing, my eyes caught one woman sitting by a grave. Kneeling down, head down, talking. At first I thought she was praying for peace.

But the way she was shaking… I told myself, “No, this one is not praying. This one is fighting.”

I got closer small like investigator. When I reach there, the woman was crying AND shouting at the grave:

“WHY DID YOU DIE?? WHY????
YOU’RE SO WICKED! SEE WHAT YOU’VE CAUSED ME!!
IF YOU’RE ALIVE, I WOULD NEVER PASS THROUGH WHAT I’M PASSING THROUGH WITH THAT FOOLISH MAN!
I WOULDN’T EVEN HAVE KNOWN WHO HE IS!!”

MY PEOPLE… I froze.

I was standing there like, “Wait. Is she cursing a dead person? For what exactly?”

Curiosity killed the cat, but today it killed me too. I cleared my throat and asked:
“Mama, sorry to disturb your grief. But this pain you’re showing… is it for your child? Your mother? Your father?”

The woman wiped her tears, looked at me serious, and said:

“It’s my husband’s first wife.”

G-B-R-A-A-A-A!!!

I stood there for 10 seconds without blinking.
So this woman came to cemetery not to mourn her husband… she came to THANK the dead co-wife for dying, so she can suffer with the husband alone in peace.

MY PEOPLE…
Women are not dramatic.
Women are FULL MOVIE. Netflix should hire them as scriptwriters.

At that moment I understood why some men say marriage is extreme sport.

I didn’t wait for part 2. I closed my legs, saluted the dead woman, and left the cemetery faster than MTN data disappearing.

Some stories you don’t wait to hear the ending. You run first.

✍️ Mariano,
Ghetto President 🥷

THE DAY JUBA ROADS MADE ME KISS A STRANGER BY FORCE.

Juba will humble you when you least expect.

Yesterday morning I entered bus from Hai Referendum going to town. If you know Juba transport, you already know wahala.

Bus conductor packed us like sardines.
Our row was meant for 3 people. We were 4. My ribs were doing peace negotiations with the person next to me.

Now everybody knows that road from Hai Referendum to Gudele. That road is not road o. It’s government punishment disguised as gravel.

Driver was flying that bus like he had visa to heaven. No brakes, no mercy, just prayers.

Then GBRRAAA! Bus entered one pothole that could swallow a boda boda.

Before I knew it, my face COLLLIDED with the girl next to me. Full package. Lips to lips. National accident.

MY PEOPLE… The girl jumped up like she touched live wire. Fire was in her eyes.
“You this man! Are you mad?! Why are you kissing me?!”

Whole bus turned to VAR referee. Even conductor paused counting money.

I raised both hands like wanted criminal: “Sister, God is my witness! Na road! This is government’s fault, not my own!”

Before I could explain further, devil entered driver’s radio.
He played a song. The one praising government for “good roads”.

UPBEAT. CATCHY. WICKED TIMING. 😭🔥

Entire bus groaned at once. One man shouted: “Driver, are you normal?!”

An old man next to us faced the girl and said softly:
“My daughter, calm down. This gentleman didn’t plan it. With these roads, many of us even lose our balls before reaching Gudele. Forgive him.”

Then one mama at the back vexed:
“Whoever sang that song and whoever is playing it, heaven will reject both of you! That government has not done anything!”

Whole bus burst into laughter. Even the angry girl started smiling.

She looked at me, shook her head, and said: “Next time, hold the seat.”
I said: “Next time, I’ll trek.” 😭

So ladies… if Adam’s son mistakenly kisses you inside Juba bus, don’t fight him.
Fight the potholes. Fight government. Fight the driver playing dangerous music.

Because in this Juba, roads will make you do things you never planned. 😭🔥

✍️ Mariano,
Ghetto President 🥷

If your partner were to go through your phone right now, would that relationship still stand?

I don't know what's wrong with me, any time a girl calls me baby... Always 🤷🤷🤷send her money.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF JUBA SLAY QUEENS 😭💔
(Every South Sudanese Man Must Read Before Love Turns Him Into Refugee)

My brothers…

Nowadays dating is no longer relationship.

It is economic su***de with kisses.

Before you say:
“She loves me…”

Please sit down first.

Drink water.

Then read these commandments carefully because many innocent men have disappeared financially trying to impress one girl that calls everybody “bro.”

😭😭😭

1️⃣ THOU SHALL NEVER ASK HER REAL AGE.

If she says she is 19, just accept it peacefully.

Even if her Facebook account was created during SPLM liberation struggle.

Even if she says:
“I finished secondary school in 2014…”

DO NOT calculate.

Love is blind.
Math will only spoil relationship.

😭😭😭

2️⃣ IF SHE SAYS SHE IS A VIRGIN…
MY BROTHER, JUST FACE FRONT.

Don’t ask unnecessary questions.

Don’t investigate.

Don’t bring forensic science into relationship.

Just thank God and continue swimming in ignorance.

3️⃣ THOU SHALL PROVIDE SHOPPING MONEY CONTINUOUSLY.

Hair.
Nails.
Lashes.
Makeup.
Skincare.
Another skincare for damaged skincare.

At this point, you are no longer boyfriend.

You are Ministry of Finance.

😭😭😭

4️⃣ IF YOUR MONEY DISAPPEARS INSIDE THE ROOM…
DO NOT ASK HER.

Just know your cash has gone to meet its ancestors.

The moment you ask:
“Babe did you see my 50k?”

She will become angry and say:
“So you think I’m a thief??”

Then suddenly YOU become the criminal.

😭😭😭

5️⃣ EVERY MAN AROUND HER IS HER COUSIN.

The tall one?
Cousin.

The one calling at midnight?
Cousin.

The one sending heart emoji?
Cousin.

The one dropping her home with Prado?
“Just family friend.”

At this point even her future husband might be introduced as cousin.

😭😭😭

6️⃣ THOU SHALL BOOK FIVE-STAR HOTEL WITHOUT COMPLAINING.

She needs “peace of mind.”

Please understand.

If she says:
“Babe I just need space…”

Prepare your account balance for burial.

Because after hotel comes:
• Spa treatment
• Photoshoot
• Room service
• Emotional support expenses

😭😭😭

7️⃣ THOU SHALL FUND HER BUSINESS DREAMS.

Boutique.
Salon.
Cosmetics shop.

But before opening anything…

She must first travel to Turkey “for business connection.”

Business connection your grandfather.

The moment she lands in Turkey your relationship enters ICU.

😭😭😭

8️⃣ IF SHE SPEAKS BROKEN ENGLISH… PRETEND YOU UNDERSTAND.

If she says:

“Baby I’m coming since tomorrow yesterday.”

DO NOT correct her.

Love is not English competition.

Some of you corrected grammar and lost relationship immediately.

😭😭😭

9️⃣ BUY HER A CAR AND REGISTER IT IN HER NAME.

Because apparently suffering is romantic now.

Then after breakup she will post:

“Independent woman. God did.”

Meanwhile “God” is somewhere in Gudele trekking with heartbreak and loan.

😭😭😭

🔟 IF SHE POSTS:
“Vacationing in Dubai 🇦🇪✨”

And you physically see her in Gudele buying tomatoes beside drainage…

MY BROTHER KEEP QUIET.

Maybe it’s Dubai International Market, Gudele Branch.

Do not ask questions that will shorten your lifespan.

😭😭😭

My fellow men…

Modern relationship can humble somebody.

One minute you are in love.

Next minute you are sending:
“Baby please send back transport money.”

May God protect soft-hearted men with small salaries and big emotions.

And may every slay queen find the billionaire she is searching for so innocent broke boys can rest.

✍️ Mariano,
Panyagor Chief Administrator 😭✊

Don't be misled by what I post on Facebook.
I'm a pastor in real life.