Shattered Pen

I can't find the right words to express what I feel right now. All I know is that I am not okay, and I feel so tired of everything. No one ever knows how empty I feel whenever I wake up. I try to pretend that I can still handle everything that's happening to myself, but I always find my tears falling when I suddenly see myself in the mirror. Whenever I can see the reflection of myself, I realize that I have changed a lot and that I have been so unhappy all along. No one ever dared to ask me if I'm okay, and that makes me even sadder. People will pass me by every day, but no one ever stops to ask me how my day went or how I feel today. No one ever notices that something is off about me. I feel like I'm slowly falling apart, yet I feel so invisible. I think no one ever cares at all.

— Shiori X

They always ask me what I like about this man.

You can't always rely on someone else because everybody has their own battles to fight also. You can't expect other people to save you all the time, because there are also some moments when they need to save themselves too. The truth is, you have to be strong alone. While some other people are always willing to help and save you, always remember that you also have to help yourself in order to heal. At the end of the day, you only have yourself, and you are the only one who can fully understand your feelings. The courage and support that other people will give you are important, but the courage and support within yourself are necessary. Learn to pick yourself up even when you're alone. Learn to be strong even when you're hurt, devastated, and lonely. At the end of the day, you must always remember that you should be the first person to not give up on yourself every day.

— Shiori X

Some people are not good at expressing what they feel, so they tend to bottle up their feelings, no matter how heavy they are. They become so used to hiding their feelings that everybody thinks they are too strong and can handle everything well. But even the strongest people can get vulnerable when they can no longer bear everything that they are going through. So I hope you know that sometimes even the strongest people also need support. I want you to understand that even the ones who show up strong and composed also deserve appreciation and comfort. Those people who were always there for others also deserve to be checked to see if they're okay. Even those people who always choose silence over drama also deserve a warm hug. Even those who are always there to listen to your story deserve to be heard. We don't really know why some people choose to hide what they feel instead of sharing it bravely with others. We will never understand someone's feelings unless we find ourselves in the same situation. Not everyone is brave enough to admit that they are sad or hurting, but I hope each of us will be sensitive enough to make everyone feel seen and heard.

— Shiori X

I know sometimes it's hard to live. You feel like giving up and your world feels like falling apart. But I hope you still choose to live. I hope all the pain that you've been through will soon be erased in your memory. I hope you start again a life where you try to fall in love with yourself. It's really hard to believe that one day, everything will be alright. But you just have to stay positive sometimes. You just have to believe that you'll have a hopeful life.

Keep living. I know it's not easy when you have suffered enough pain and felt too much sadness in your heart. But there will be a better day and a better future for you if you just keep fighting your silent battles. Don't give up now, you still need to claim what you deserve. You still need to see for yourself what will happen if you don't give up. Everything will be alright. Sometimes, you just have to stay alive.

— Shiori X
[An excerpt from the book: The Lost Journal of a Dying Man]

There are times where I feel like I don't want to talk to anyone around me. I just want to be alone. Most of the time, I'd rather deal with my own problems alone than seeking help from anyone. I know sometimes life gets hard and we'll never know when will everything be alright. So I decided to be strong alone, not because I don't need anyone in my life but because I need to learn how to be resilient. Sometimes, the universe would continue to disappoint and hurt me but what I've learned from this never-ending suffering is that, life goes on. No matter how not okay I am, the time will continue to run and there will never be a pause just because I am not okay. That's what I learned from everything that I've been through— life goes on no matter how shattered you feel inside.

— Shiori X

Not everyone will understand your pain. Some people will try to invalidate your feelings, which will make you feel worthless. Some people will never understand you no matter how hard you try to explain how you feel. But it's not okay to also bottle up your emotions. I hope you find someone who will make you feel seen and heard. Someone who will give importance to your story or someone who will make you feel like your feelings are valid. Sometimes, it's not easy to reach out to people. It takes a lot of courage to show your vulnerability to someone. So I hope that you will choose the right person to share your pain with. I hope that person will never judge you and will never make you feel like your feelings are unvalued and misunderstood. No matter how much pain you are bearing right now, I hope you find someone who genuinely cares for you and will try his best to understand what you feel.

— Shiori X

I sometimes think that I am not easy to love. Whenever somebody breaks my heart and leaves me, I often think that I am not enough. I ask myself what I should do to make someone stay in my life, but I realized that I can never force someone to stay, no matter how hard I try. Little by little, I've learned that whenever someone breaks your heart, you have to love yourself more just so you can heal. You have to know your worth and know what you deserve, and that's when I told myself that it's okay to break; it's okay to be hurt and be unhappy until you learn to value yourself.

Sometimes, someone will not treat you right and make you question your worth. You sometimes believe that you are not worthy of being loved and taken care of, but one day you'll realize that it's always important to remember that you deserve all the good things that the world could offer. That your world shouldn't revolve around one person, and it's okay to love and lose. Sometimes, it's okay to fall apart for loving the wrong person, but always remember that it doesn't make you unlovable.

— Shiori X

My dearest friends,

I want you to know how grateful I am that I have people like you in my life. I will always treasure you like a family, and I will always be thankful to all of you for the genuine friendship that you share with me. You came into my life exactly when I was at my worst. You've witnessed how vulnerable I was and how incapable I was of loving myself. But you loved me with all your heart and accepted me for who I am. I have built high walls for myself because I was afraid of trusting people, but you have proved to me that you are more than willing to climb mountains just to show how much you care for me. I am indeed the luckiest person to have friends like you.

Having some genuine friends nowadays is so rare, and that is why I want you to know that I appreciate you. Thank you for being there for me whenever I need you. Even if I don't open up about how not okay I am, you are always there to make my pain more bearable. Thank you for making an effort to make me feel special. Thank you for saving me on the days where I feel like I'm drowning in sadness. And thank you for all the times that you support me and believe in me, even on the days where I feel like I do not believe in my own capabilities. I have seen how proud and happy you are in every little achievement that I make in life, and I could never be prouder to see you achieving your goals too. I want you to know that I am and will always be genuinely happy to see you winning in life.

I may not be so expressive with the gratitude and love that I feel for all of you, but right now, I want you to know that I will forever cherish every moment that I spend with you. Thank you for being a good friend. Thank you for taking care of me. Thank you for untiringly understanding me and saving me from the dark. And most importantly, thank you for making me feel seen, heard, loved, and valued.

— Shiori X