Grapevine Magazine

In this week's 'Just the Juice':
WHAT’S UP WITH MEN’S HEALTH? ‘Save the Kiwi Bloke’ looks at necessary steps towards vitality and longevity. Next up, we focus on the effects of dementia on sufferers and partners/caregivers; the joys and benefits of reading aloud to children; and the challenges of housework … And finally, we’ve got a couple of Allyson Gofton recipes for sweet treats to share: Pumpkin & Prune Cake and White Chocolate Friands. Hope some of these pique your interest and sate your appetite for information, musing, or tasty food!
https://mailchi.mp/grapevine/kiwi-blokes-dementia-storytime-cleaning-house-sweet-treats?e=[UNIQID]

‘NEURODIVERSITY …’ That big word might be new to you, but don’t be put off. It’s a modern term that has to do with brain-science – how our brains are wired and how that affects our behaviour. It’s found its way into the vocab of psychologists and parenting experts because researchers are discovering that human brains aren’t all the same. There’s more variety and diversity in our grey-matter than we realised. Which helps explain why some people – some kids and some grown-ups– process the world differently and think ‘outside-the-box’.
That’s all very well, of course. But raising kids who are ‘different’ or ‘complex’ can be a real headache for parents. Resources, sadly, are few … help is scarce … and the lack of workable solutions is only adding to the mental health crisis here in Aotearoa.
However, some good news: there are people who know and understand the complexity of life with these kids. And we managed to chat with one of the best: parenting coach, author, and co-founder of IMPACT PARENTS – Elaine Taylor-Klaus.
Elaine has raised her own ‘complex kids’, and she now coaches mums and dads all over the world, helping them to better navigate life with kids who don’t fit the ‘norm’ – as well as those who do.
GRAPEVINE: Your latest book is called The Essential Guide to Raising Complex Kids … What do you mean by ‘complex kids’?
ELAINE TAYLOR-KLAUS: Complex kids are kids who struggle with aspects of life, or learning, or both. Things can get very complicated for these kids – and for their parents, because of the difficulties the kids are having.
Maybe they’ve been diagnosed with ANXIETY … or ADHD (Attention Deficit Disorder – with or without hyperactivity) … or ASD (autism spectrum disorder) … or some TRAUMA (that’s affecting how they cope with things). But, even without a diagnosis, there’s something that’s complicating the progress you’d ideally see in their development.
My goal in writing The Essential Guide was to create a typical parenting book for kids who aren’t so typical.
I wanted to give parents who have kids ‘outside the box’ some strategies they can use, no matter what the circumstance. Because, more often than not, traditional parenting stuff just doesn’t work with these kids.
GRAPEVINE:Is your advice applicable to ALL parents? Or just parents of complex kids?
ELAINE: Oh, absolutely – all parents! It’s really about tackling any kind of challenging behaviour. The Essential Guide takes a coaching approach to raising kids – any kids.
We start with the assumption that “there’s nothing broken that needs to be fixed.” We look at where the kids are at … where they want to go … what it’s going to take to get them there. And we give you a framework for making everything a co-operative, collaborative process – not just when you hit an obstacle.
It’s for all parents! In fact, we’ve had feedback that this works with both neurodiverse kids and typical kids – as well as with spouses and co-workers!
GRAPEVINE: It can be tricky for parents to decide if their child is typical or not. Sometimes it’s easier to believe that they’re just ‘quirky’ or ‘their own person’ – but things can get to a point where that’s no longer helpful, right?
ELAINE: If you don’t help kids understand what’s going on with them, you actually prevent them from taking ownership, self-regulating and managing themselves appropriately.
***Read the rest of the article: click on the link or go to our website and type ‘complex kids’ into the search bar***

Simple Tips on Raising Complex Kids - Grapevine Magazine A CONVERSATION WITH ELAINE TAYLOR-KLAUS ‘NEURODIVERSITY …’ That big word might be new to you, but don’t be put off. It’s a modern term that has to do with brain-science – how our brains are wired and how that effects our behaviour. It’s found its way into the vocab of psychologists and...

https://mailchi.mp/grapevine/mental-toughness-engagement-complex-kids-sunburn-bonfires-venice
THIS WEEK'S 'JUST THE JUICE' looks at developing mental toughness; employing ‘The Rules of Engagement’ for a functional relationship; raising ‘complex’ kids; finding your passion (and rocking your diversity; and savouring ‘La Dolce Vita’ in Venice…

HAVE YOU EVER felt overwhelmed, frustrated, alone, stressed, desperate, stuck or even bored in your relationships? Do you wish your connections with your spouse, significant other, kids, family, friends, clients or co-workers were better?
Whether your relationship is mediocre and you want to make it better, or you’re at your wit’s end and ready to throw in the towel, we’d all like to make improvements! But wanting good relationships is only the beginning … and building great relationships requires a few skills!
Thankfully, improving our relationships isn’t as daunting as it sounds – and according to Susie Albert Miller, it can be done in 30 days or less! She’s a speaker, coach, consultant and author … and is committed to helping everyday people thrive in their most personal and professional relationships.
We sat down with Susie to chat about her book Listen, Learn, Love and get her insights into how we can significantly fix those connections … and fast!
GRAPEVINE: What prompted you to write ‘Listen, Learn, Love’?
SUSIE ALBERT MILLER: I found myself repeating the same advice with my clients and realised that if I could get this message out to a wider audience, people would have the tools to begin to communicate and connect better.
Talkers & Drivers
We’re taught a lot of valuable things as we grow up, but we’re seldom taught how to communicate well. And people don’t always recognise their weakness as communicators. It’s a little like how people who don’t drive well still think of themselves as being good behind the wheel!
I realised that I needed to improve my driving years ago when I began transporting my little kids around – so I identified the gaps in my skills, and worked at becoming a better driver.
I feel the same way about communication. I’m a good communicator now because I’ve worked at it. And ‘Listening, Learning and Loving’ are three simple, elegant skills to help people become better communicators. My goal was to make it a quick-and-easy read – I wanted to share things I think will make the biggest impact in peoples’ relationships. From relationships in the home … to friendships … to business and the workplace.
GRAPEVINE: What’s at the heart of a good relationship?
SUSIE: The ability to feel safe and seen. We want to know that we’re still going to be loved and accepted even if we’re known completely: our weaknesses … our frustrations … our struggles. None of us want to have to pretend to be someone different or to constantly have to edit ourselves – like thinking, for example, “Oh, I can’t say that, or they’ll get angry.” Because those worries begin to govern how we engage with others.
Truly good relationships are where we genuinely feel seen, known and heard. Relationships where we can say, “I’m having a hard time”, or “I’ve had some news that’s really knocked me. I don’t need you to fix it, but I need someone to understand me …”
And the best relationships are interdependent.
***Read the rest of the article on our website – just search ‘listen learn love’***

Listen, Learn, Love - Grapevine Magazine Have you ever felt overwhelmed, frustrated, alone, stressed, desperate, stuck or even bored in your relationships? Do you wish your connections with your spouse, significant other, kids, family, friends, clients or co-workers were better? Whether your relationship is mediocre and you want to make it...

This week's 'Just the Juice' link: https://mailchi.mp/grapevine/fully-human-listen-learn-love-platoon-parents-like-a-seal-one-pot-faves

I MET MY wife-to-be more than 50 years ago. And we’ve been each other’s best friends ever since. So you’d think by now we would’ve stopped annoying each other – right?
Well, NO, actually – far from it!
I still annoy her when I crunch my breakfast cereal, or breathe out-loud when we’re watching TV. She still annoys me when she plucks my nostril-hairs, or tells me how to drive.
I still hate it when she eats apples in bed – she sounds like a rock-crusher. She still hates it when I dunk my biscuits – especially when the soggy bit breaks off and sinks – especially when it’s HER cup of tea.
She believes a sneeze is a health-hazard that should be avoided at all costs. I believe a sneeze is a blessing that should be loudly enjoyed.
And if we happen to lose things or can’t find things, we still annoy each other like you wouldn’t believe. Take this morning, for example, when I lost my glasses.
I’d taken them off in the shower, and hung them on the little hook – just like I always do. Then I’d taken them off the hook, and put them down while I got dressed.
But somewhere in the process, they went missing.
Now, a man should be allowed to lose his glasses without being treated like an idiot. But, over the next half hour, my wife couldn’t help herself …
“What are you looking for,” she asked, as I kept retracing my steps from bathroom to bedroom.
“My glasses,” I muttered. “I’ve lost them.”
“You can’t have lost them,” she announced knowingly, in a voice she once reserved for growling at her kids. “Where did you last have them?” So I explained – and she walked me back through bathroom and bedroom like I was some kind of dim-witted moron, checking every possible hiding place.
“Well,” she finally declared in exasperation, “I don’t know. You ought to be more careful with your stuff.”
But then, five minutes later, having rebuked and humbled me, she called out from the other room: “Oh, here they are, darling.”
“Where did you find them,” I enquired, glad to be reunited with my missing specs.
“Um … on my head,” she confessed reluctantly. “I must’ve picked them up, thinking they were my sunglasses.”
I forgave her, of course, as I always do. And she made some hot cheese scones, to get back in my good books. Which she was, of course, almost immediately.
-JOHN COONEY

Backchat: Lost & Found - Grapevine Magazine I MET MY WIFE-TO-BE MORE THAN 50 years ago. And we’ve been each other’s best friends ever since. So you’d think, by now, we would’ve stopped annoying each other – right?

I HATE BEING LEFT BEHIND. I still recall that panicky feeling of scrambling to catch up on schoolwork if I missed a few days; that feeling that everyone knew what to do except me. I felt I lagged behind my mates at important milestones: they got their drivers’ license before me, owned cars before I did, and were dating girls while I stammered with shyness. Perhaps if I had objectively looked at the whole range of my peers, I probably wouldn’t have been slow at reaching those goals; I was probably typical, but I did the very typical thing of comparing myself with those who excel.
I consoled myself with a little fib that being left behind on the sports field or dance floor was of no concern to me because I excelled at something else – being a nerd. My nerdy heart especially thrilled at computers, like the ones on sci-fi TV shows: huge glamorous machines covered with flashing lights and switches and spinning reels of tape. Star Trek, Lost in Space, Thunderbirds, Voyage to the Bottom of Sea … no spaceship or nuclear sub was complete without an electronic brain. And so, with high expectations, I joined Mr. Felton’s Computer Club at high school…

[READ JOHN COWAN’S WHOLE ARTICLE HERE: https://www.grapevine.org.nz/articles/left-behind/ ]

The Crispy Bits: Left behind - Grapevine Magazine MY PARENTS ABANDONED ME. As a child, my family locked up their remote Bethells Beach bach and started the trek back along the beach to go home. I was still in the bach, immersed in a comic in some corner. I resurfaced to find the place dark, deserted, and dead-locked. Terror! I escaped through a win...

LEFT BEHIND / INTIMACY / BOYS TO MEN / ANNOY YOURSELF / TANYA BAKES🍪 - https://mailchi.mp/grapevine/left-behind-intimacy-boys-to-men-annoy-yourself-tanya-bakes
ARE YOU FEELING ‘left behind’ the pack? John Cowan’s got a fresh take on that experience in our first article this week. We’ve also got good reads on relational intimacy and raising boys … a wee chuckle in ‘How to Annoy Yourself’ … and two tasty recipes from vlogging sensation Tanya Burr… Treats galore, and free for the taking – enjoy!

THERE’S NOT MUCH TO SEE here at Gallipoli, but the names say it all: tiny Anzac Cove, where that fateful first-landing was made … Chunuk Bair, the high ridge that was fought over so savagely … Lone Pine, where Turkish trenches were taken at such an appalling price … the memorial to Turkey’s 57th Regiment, not one of whom survived … monuments, flags, and cemeteries all over the place …
For eight brutal months, Allied forces battled the Ottoman army for this strategic location – a campaign that ultimately failed, at enormous cost to both sides. Among the dead (officially 131,000, but likely way more) were 2721 Kiwi soldiers – roughly one quarter of the New Zealanders who fought here. And the gravestones of the fallen seem to stretch forever.
The astonishing respect felt by both sides is reflected in a bronze statue of a Turkish soldier carrying a wounded Australian. And the gracious words of Turkey’s wartime leader, Mustafa Kemal (Ataturk), are especially poignant:
“Those heroes who shed their blood and lost their lives … you are now living in the soil of a friendly country. Therefore, rest in peace. There is no difference between the Johnnies and the Mehmets to us where they lie side by side in this country of ours … You the mothers who sent their sons from faraway countries: wipe away your tears. Your sons are now living in our bosom and are in peace. After having lost their lives on this land they have become our sons as well.”
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[READ JOHN COONEY’S WHOLE ARTICLE ON ISTANBUL AND GALLIPOLI: https://www.grapevine.org.nz/articles/istanbul-gallipoli/ ]

RICH ENOUGH / M-I-L / MISS-CONNECTION / WORRYING / ISTANBUL & GALLIPOLI🕊️ - https://mailchi.mp/grapevine/rich-enough-m-i-l-miss-connection-worrying-istanbul-gallipoli
We’ve got sage advice on money matters from Mary Holm and tongue-in-cheek tips on ‘How to Worry’ from Guy Browning in this week’s ‘Just the Juice’… We’ve also got expert input (x2) on improving relationships with the notoriously-tricky Mother-in-Law and teenage daughters, and a travel article that’ll take you on an emotional rollercoaster as you visit Istanbul and Gallipoli vicariously…