Carnelian Healing

The reason I’ve been writing these posts this week is to demonstrate is that it’s okay not to have everything figured out.

It’s okay not to have everything neatly boxed up and tied together. It’s okay to look scruffy, messy, and unfinished.

As an authentic practitioner of well-being, I see far too often in my clinic what happens when people mask how they’re really feeling.

When they don’t give themselves the time or space to sit with their emotions. When they ignore the body’s cues and override their own needs. When they live solely from the mind and not from the heart.

That’s when physical symptoms begin to embed themselves. When the central nervous system and the body’s natural systems are continually overridden, dysregulation takes hold.

Over the last 12 years in practice, I’ve witnessed how disease often has a much greater opportunity to develop when these patterns persist.

Once imbalance is deeply rooted in the cells, tissues, and physical body, the work required to restore health becomes so much greater, demanding more time, energy, and effort.

Western medicine often approaches illness by fighting disease. Eastern and body-conscious approaches invite us to open ourselves to change, to listen, to soften, and to transform the conditioning that keeps us disconnected from ourselves.

That is why I felt compelled to document the last six months of my grieving process—the spirals, the loops, the patterns, the belief systems, and the conditioning.

The programming, the expectations, societal layers, ancestral influences, and inherited stories that have been placed upon us.

There comes a point when it is time to allow the version of yourself that wants to emerge

The version that needs to emerge—to be heard and expressed.

The version that is calling you forward.

Acknowledge that this is ever emerging, shifting and changing.. surrender and flow.

Because when you answer that call, you begin to flow freely.

Needed to take yesterday off!

So the what next?

I realised my mindset needed to change. I had been operating from an outdated version of myself, and the parts of me that were struggling needed a new way to be expressed.

In the past, when these patterns surfaced, I kept everything inside and tried to work through it alone.

This time was different.

I spoke openly with trusted friends, practised the BodyTalk Access routine to support mind-body connection and self-regulation, rejoined my Kundalini yoga community, and had regular acupuncture & healing sessions.

I recognised I needed to retrain my nervous systems dysregulation , I saw the need to reprogram some of the underlying patterns and started having powerful hypnotherapy sessions .

Real change comes through consistent effort, support, therapy, and daily practice.

It requires me to be present, accepting that it's okay not to be okay, and allowing emotions to move through without resisting them and also honouring when you’re not okay and giving myself time to grieve

So this is what I’m learning to do :

Walk confidently on my own without Dixie — no more hiding.

Move forward in my own authenticity.

Take the next steps, even when they feel unsafe, unfamiliar, or unpredictable.

Release self-judgement.

Live from my inner experience rather than being governed by external circumstances.

Explore more of what my soul is longing for, and to live more contentedly and fulfil my life's purpose.

Need some healing to?
www.carnelian-healing.com

C x 🧡

Part Three

Woah. The resistance to write this this morning was very strong. That sinking, shrinking feeling. Mind-chatter and resistance are very real.

This is the dysregulation held within the systems of my body—the override switch that has worked to keep me safe.

This is part of the rebuild, the refurbishment, and the reset of my nervous system's regulation.

This is where healing starts to occur, and where the heart can begin to find the gift within the experience.

It's easy to ignore these moments or become distracted. But when a lesson or a pattern keeps looping, it's because a part of me is being asked to grow into the capacity to integrate it.

Life is inviting me to learn what I truly need before moving on.

Of course, life's invitations to learn do not arrive with a written manual.

They show up through friction in relationships. Through frustrating, vicious cycles that seem impossible to overcome.

Through my work and healing journey to date, I know I have to look at the depression pattern to understand the deeper meaning of the lesson. Yet it is there, in those dark, dusty corners, where self-doubt echoes the loudest.

Quite often, the most profound lessons worth integrating are the ones learned through painful repetition—through hitting the same walls and encountering the same patterns that continue to resurface in different forms.

The healing journey has allowed me to release the need to blame life or make sense of every experience. Instead, it has helped me become the observer; to find balance, to heal, and to synthesise memories in a way that supports my growth.

In turn, this allows my nervous system to respond differently and helps create a healthier body and mind.

So what is my lesson in this experience?

See you tomorrow 🧡

Noticing the patterns, the loops, and the traits, the cycle begins again.

That familiar feeling of despair and depression.

This time, it was the shock of losing Dixie, and what unfolded was this deep, deep unraveling. A familiar pattern of grief.

First, there was the immediate sadness. The emptiness of the house. The quiet. The enormity of the hole left behind by my best friend, my soulmate, my little furry generator of unconditional love.

Yet, if I’m honest, there had already been a slow, steady withdrawal before Dixie. Some of the old patterns had started to surface.

Of course, you keep going. Ignoring. Pushing things aside.

Distraction.

Because distraction is such a clever trickster.

Creating distractions, Creating anything, just so you don’t have to sit, look, and feel.

Until events stop you and call you inward.

The slow withdrawal begins. The things you once loved start to fade. You still do them, but they no longer fulfil you. The mind begins to occupy the places where joy once lived.

For me, the old patterns always emerge in familiar ways.

They affect how I eat.

How I move my body.

The social anxiety starts to amplify.
Forgetting dates

The dread of working, connecting, and engaging grows stronger.

I start looking for places to escape to, retreat to—a world of darkness.

The mental chatter becomes louder.

Conversations replay over and over in my mind.

The inability to connect to my true sense of self—my essence, my soul, my vitality.

The anger.

The need for control.

The hurt from words.

Holding onto conversations long after they’ve ended.

Self-sabotage.

A lack of grounding.

One of the triggers, one of the patterns that really caught my attention, was something seemingly insignificant.

When I’m in that abyss of darkness, I buy the same things over and over when I go shopping.

This time, it was organic stock cubes.

The manufacturers will no doubt appreciate the increase in profits!

But that was the catalyst.

An innocent conversation with my daughter.

“Mum, how many stock cubes do you want?”

And in that moment, it hit me.

Oh.

Here we go again.

Okay. - That was the start of the comeback

Resonate? Www.carnelian-healing.com.

My little green fingers are working their magic… sadly in my giddiness I forgot to label the seeds I’d sewn 😂🌿😉🤪!… it’s all part of the adventure into growing my own food!

Today I step into the version of myself that I am becoming.

I started a 21 Day Kundalini journey and a 12 month training course on Medicinal, Hedgerow & Culinary Herbalism.

After a period of deep retreat, honouring grief, reflection on old patterns, thought patterns, behaviours and emotional reactions following the quiet unraveling that followed after the loss of my beloved Dixie.

I find myself here, more aware, more intentional, more rooted. That time within wasn’t easy, but it was necessary. It asked me to sit with what was, rather than rush toward what could be, honouring my grief without the standard response of “I’m fine” “Yes, I’m okay”

Through that process, something began to integrate. My understanding of the deeper emotions my body was holding, it all started to weave together into something lived, not just learned.

I know healing isn’t a single path or a quick fix. It isn’t linear, and it doesn’t belong to one practice or one idea. It’s a combination, a layering, a continual returning to self. A recipe that evolves.

And with that comes choice.

What I eat. What I drink. What I read. What I listen to. Who and what I allow into my space. How I speak to myself. How I show up.

Observing how the mind chatters and berates and how the heart expresses nurturance and guides softly.

It’s always your choice.

I’m deeply grateful for the support around me, the healing practitioners, friends, and family who have held me. But I also recognise that my healing, my mindset, my way of being ultimately comes from within. From the decisions I make moment by moment.

Life isn’t always easy. There are challenges, waves, and moments where strength feels distant. There are times when we need to be held. But there is also a quiet power in choosing to keep stepping forward. In choosing optimism. In choosing presence.

Healing asks us to move beyond the noise, beyond the stories, beyond the layers we’ve built around ourselves. It asks us to soften, to listen, to return to the heart.

Today I choose to meet myself fully in the messy, wild unconventional way that I am. Healing is always an inside job! 🧡