Birth and Beyond

How far have you come?

The summer solstice is a time to pause, to reflect. To see how much you have managed already and how far you have come.

We can often be impatient with ourselves - disappointed that we’re not where we think we ‘should’ be, where we want to be. And can miss how much we have already achieved. The steps already taken. We can forget to be amazed at ourselves, and what we have done.

So if this resonates for you, I invite you to take a moment to just appreciate how far you have come, what you have already managed. It’s maybe more than you think.

Why I’m wary of parenting trends.

Been thinking about parenting styles this week. From gentle parenting to F**k it and find out parenting… I raised my kids in the era of Gina Ford and the Baby Whisperer…

And they all have some good ideas. BUT, they’re not a recipe for ‘success’ (whatever that means) with your baby. What really matters is who you are - because that drives how you interact with this person who is your baby.

If you’re not sure that who you are is ‘good enough’ - that might sound a bit scary. Spoiler - you are good enough, you maybe just don’t understand that yet.

If you want to know more, I’ve written more thoughts on my substack. The link is in the usual place 👆

Motherhood doesn’t always feel the way we expect it to.

Sometimes we can feel trapped.

And that can be really confusing and awful and difficult to explain. Because we’re not meant to feel like that…

But understanding why that is can help things shift.

If you’d like to know more, read my post. The link is in my bio.

Junk miles…

I first heard that term a few years back, and it got me thinking. Basically it refers to all the boring bits of training that you can do, the miles that don’t feel productive.

And I think there can be so much in parenthood that is like that. The bits that aren’t flashy or obvious, but the slow, steady miles that are consistent and just keep things gradually ticking over.

It can be so easy to be swayed by what we see on social media, or see people around us doing. The performative parenting, or the people who seem to do everything beautifully and perfectly. However it can be easy to miss the slow, steady grind of just trying to do the next thing time after time after time. And how important that really is.

So maybe next time you give yourself a hard time for not managing to pull off the picture perfect baby photos, or the beautifully decorated nursery, or have the ‘right’ sensory toys, please give yourself a break. You won’t be able to see the junk miles you’re putting in, but those are the ones that really matter to your relationship with your baby.

I seem to have been working with a lot of dread this week - mostly dread around future scenarios.

There’s lots of ways I might approach this with someone, but here’s a wee technique that can sometimes be very helpful. I’ve put the link to the full article in the bio, as it’s a bit of a long one!

Back in the saddle after a break.

I often wonder what the people I work with think of me, whether they think I’ve got my 💩 together.

So this is just to disabuse that idea!

I go to therapy. I have loads of training. I have as much supervision as I can. I have loads of great peer support. I am constantly reflecting on my practice. And I look after myself - the maintenance bit.

I am very much a work in progress, and will always be. And I believe that helps me to help you. Because I’m not in any place to judge or tell you what to do.

I know what it’s like to feel stuck, alone and terrified. To feel overwhelmed and like I’m not good enough. And I also know that self awareness alone isn’t always a way through those feelings. I need other people to help me work through that stuff.

So if you want a perfect expert, I’m probably not who you want to work with. But if a part of you longs to feel understood and accepted, I can maybe offer you that.

Looking before you leap.

So I’ve got a really s**t henna tattoo. It’s genuinely horrible! Thank goodness it’s not permanent.

But it got me thinking about my process, and why I have a s**t tattoo.

My initial thoughts:

That I find it hard to think fast when I’m overwhelmed (and believe me, that woman knew how to push!). That I need space to think about things.

That I tend to ignore my concerns by thinking that I’ll make it ok if the worst happens. And to be fair, in this case I will, I can handle a bit of embarrassment and disappointment! But it doesn’t always work like that. Sometimes it’s bloody painful.

Likewise, I find it easier to leap before I look. Sometimes that pays off. Sometimes, it doesn’t.

The thing is, I know these things about myself and I will probably still act in ways I would like not to at times. Because sometimes, wonderful things happen when I don’t give my concerns too much airtime, when I’m impulsive and trust my gut. The rough and the smooth.

And why am I saying this? Because often there is a sense that we must BE BETTER, especially when we have a baby and everyone else seems to be nailing it. But the truth is that you can only do you.

Yes sure, have a bit of awareness, it can be useful, but demonising the parts of yourself that don’t fit the idea of how you ‘should’ be means you might also be missing out. These parts might also be brilliant in different situations.

If you’re giving yourself a hard time as a mum, and want space to think about why that might be, therapy can be so helpful. I currently don’t have space for new clients, but I can suggest some brilliant people, depending on what you’re looking for: and being a couple of them.

The connection between a parent and child can be thought of as bit like a dance - you’re both playing your part. To and fro. Attuned to each other.

So what happens if you’re struggling to find your groove? If it feels awkward, or - even worse - that you just can’t find your footing with your baby? It can be really upsetting, for everyone.

I was so chuffed to meet the other week and hear more about her work supporting part-infant communication. She’s doing great things.

If you’re not sure what on earth I’m talking about, or if this kind of work might help you - check out my latest newsletter. Link in bio.