Subtle Balance

“Why didn’t you report?”

Survivors hear this question constantly. Here’s the part people don’t want to hear: many did report.

They told the police, who asked what they were wearing.
They told a lawyer, who said there wasn’t enough evidence. They told a social worker, who called it “a relationship conflict.” They told family, who said “don’t make it bigger than it is.”

And somewhere along the way, they learned that speaking up costs more than staying silent. 😭

There’s a name for this: secondary victimisation!

It’s the harm that comes not from the abuser but from the people and institutions who were supposed to protect you.

Research is clear that being doubted or blamed after disclosing deepens the trauma. It’s linked to more PTSD, more depression, and more survivors who stop seeing a way forward.

This is not about one bad cop or one careless judge. It’s structural. And it’s costing lives. 💔

Being heard is not a favour. Being protected is not a privilege. It is the most basic right a survivor has. No one should have to fight for it after already fighting to survive. 💜

To every survivor who told someone and was failed:
You weren’t too much.
You weren’t “not credible.”
You were let down by a system that should have stood beside you.

I’m not staying silent about this anymore. I hope you won’t either!

If you’re struggling right now, please reach out. In Belgium you can call 1712 (violence and abuse) or 1813 (Zelfmoordlijn). Elsewhere, find your local helpline. You deserve to be heard.

Lots of love 💕
Selina

This is one of the figures I use in constellation work. I put it under glass on purpose.

Because it’s the closest I’ve come to showing something people describe to me constantly but can’t quite name. 🫣

You’re there.
You go to work, you answer the messages, you make dinner, you show up.

And somewhere behind the glass, you’re not actually in it. 😢 Nobody notices. From the outside everything looks fine.

You’re functioning.
You might even be doing well.
But you can’t feel much.

Not the hard things, and this is the part people don’t expect, not the good ones either. 😢

Numbing doesn’t come with a filter. It turns the volume down on everything at once.
It’s usually not coldness, and it’s definitely not laziness.

It’s what happens when feeling all of it became too much to carry, so something in you quietly lowered the sound to keep you moving.

The glass isn’t there to keep you out. It was built to keep you safe. 🩷

So, when did you last feel something all the way through?

Lots of love 💕
Selina

If you’ve been waiting for something to tell you to keep going, this is it. 🩷

Not a metaphor.
Not a lesson.
Just a laminated note on a lamppost, put there by someone who will never know who reads it.

I don’t know what you’re carrying today. I do know that a lot of people are holding on quietly on an ordinary Wednesday, while everything around them carries on as normal. 😉

It’s still Su***de Awareness Month, but the reason for it doesn’t run on a calendar.

If today feels heavy, please tell someone. findahelpline.com will find a line wherever you are. In Belgium: 1813, free, day and night 🤍

Lots of love 💕
Selina

***deprevention

I don’t usually post weeks like this one…

Partly because there’s an unspoken rule that people in my line of work are supposed to have arrived somewhere. As if knowing how patterns work means you stop having a life that lands on you. 🫣

I don’t.
Nobody does.
Not coaches, not therapists, not the accounts you follow that look like everything is handled.

That’s the part that bothers me most about this place, actually.

Scroll for ten minutes and everyone is thriving, healing, glowing, grateful.

Meanwhile people are getting turned down, losing pets, sitting in waiting rooms, crying in their cars and saying nothing, because everyone else seems fine. 😢

So this was my week. Disappointment, loss, uncertainty, and a fair amount of not knowing what I was doing. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s okay to not be okay.
It’s also okay to say it out loud while it’s still happening, and not only afterwards when you’ve turned it into a lesson.

And you, how was your week, really?

Lots of love 💕
Selina

I want to name the thing I hear most in my practice: “I tried the breathing, it didn’t do anything.” 🤷🏻‍♀️

What people usually mean is that it helped for twenty minutes and then life happened again.

That’s not failure.
Calming yourself down in the moment and changing how easily you get triggered in the first place are two different jobs.

The first takes minutes.
The second takes weeks of unremarkable, repeated, small things and it genuinely does happen, it’s been measured.

So if you’ve been waiting to feel permanently different after one good breathing session: that was never going to happen, and it was never about you not trying hard enough.

Small.
Daily.
Boring.

That’s the whole secret, and it’s a deeply unsatisfying one.
I’ve told you mine. What’s yours?

Lots of love 💕
Selina

Four things I’ve stopped softening.

Number 2 gets me the most pushback. But I’ve sat with enough people to know: they can explain their needs beautifully.

They’ve read the books, they have the words. The wording was never the problem. It was who they were saying it to.

Part 2 follows if this one doesn’t get me into trouble. 😉

Which one did you disagree with? Say it, I’m genuinely curious.

Lots of love 💕
Selina

This is the sentence that makes people go quiet in my practice…

Because nobody chooses the same painful dynamic twice on purpose. 💔

What actually happens is subtler: something in it is recognisable. The tension, the waiting, the effort to earn someone’s warmth,
your body has done this before.

It knows the choreography.
And familiar gets mistaken for right. Especially when nobody ever showed you what safe feels like.

So no, you’re not self-sabotaging. You’re navigating with an old map.

Which pattern do you catch yourself in? I read every comment.

Lots of love 💕
Selina

If su***de ever crosses your mind, I would rather listen to your story than attend your funeral.

I mean that literally.

Most people who are struggling never say the word. They go quieter. They cancel plans. They answer “I’m fine” in a voice that isn’t. And the people around them notice something is off, but don’t know how to ask without making it worse.

So here is the thing worth knowing: asking has never put the thought in someone’s head. It has only ever let it out.

If someone came to mind while you read this, ask them. Clumsily is fine.

And if the person who came to mind was you: please tell someone today.

findahelpline.com will find a line wherever you are. In Belgium: 1813, free, day and night. 🤍

Lots of love 💕
Selina

***deprevention ***depreventionday

You asked, I’m listening. 🩷

A few days ago, 80% of you said you wanted to see more about nervous system regulation, so let’s start here.

Not with a perfect morning routine or another list of things we should be doing.

Just some of the simple things that genuinely help me slow down, regulate and find my way back to myself.

This is part 1, because there are definitely more. 🌿

What helps you come back to yourself when everything feels a little too much?

Lots of love 💕
Selina