Picards Flute FC

Go the flutes

MATCH REVIEW:

With the start of a new season upon us, it gave Picard’s the opportunity to strive for some slightly better than disappointing results. The second match of the season put us up against the “Killers”, clearly based on some of their player’s former occupations.

With an interesting side and some fresh recruits adding some talent to the line-up, we were confident in our ability to stay in the match for the first half while we had legs. We started the game strong with Andy ‘Collies are in for a big year’ Morrissy snagging two goals which almost certainly left his backside in severe pain, finding the top and bottom corners respectively. Huxtable in goals kept The Flutes in the game and the rumour mill has it that Adrian ‘how many standard drinks’ Marsegaglia may find himself listed as a free agent in the near future. Even with some handy goalkeeping they managed to get one back before the real fireworks started happening. Joshua James Adamson found himself in a tangle with one of the more fiery opponents before he almost had his head taken off by a left hook by someone who clearly had a combination of excess testosterone and a slightly to large care-factor for Tuesday night C grade futsal.

This left the opposition distracted giving the opportunity for Alex ‘Deso’ Martin and Sam ‘I’ll just walk home’ Withers to combine producing some play which left all surprised where this talent had been hidden for 18 years. From here things went downhill with the opposition starting to find their feet, contemplating their life position if they were to lose to the likes of Picards FC. Unfortunately, The Killers pulled away in the second half, with the Flutes applying their textbook lacklustre defense, with the likes of Joshua ‘Hard ball’ Leigh at times dodging any intersection with the ball and letting the opposition stroll in to slot yet another snag.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t to be for the Flutes, but if anything was to come out of this game, it is that most of the squad still has very little understanding of the rules of a game we have been playing for over 6 months.

MATCH REVIEW:

After a gruelling mid-season pre-season Picard's were ready to hit the second half of the season running...
Unfortunately as a result of WADA's less widely covered decision this morning, seven of the squad has been banned for an undisclosed period of time for the use and abuse of the prohibited substances of bananas and beaver tranquiliser.
Hence perhaps the most hosh-posh side of the season took to the hallowed courts tonight. With Keenan 'can I shout you' Webster taking to the goals in a breakout game making several clutch saves that have cemented his spot as the squads second goalie. The unlikely duo of Ben 'want to eiffel tower maeve?' McAullay and Fraser 'I'll bench you' Hudson up front with other more regular members rounding out the side.
Puyol Pantsdown FC played with the enthusiasm Jobe Watson's limp drug fu**ed c**k however some lacklustre defense on our part undid the brilliant team work of the front half. We hence entered the mid point of the match down 2-1.
The second half continued in much the same light as the team just didn't have it's usual energy. The odds were stacked against them with a combination of lacking numbers, blood alcohol and interest putting them at further disadvantage.
By some sheer fluke the boys in fluro yellow put together a string of highlights that will surely go down in the annals of time as the flutes finally recorded a fifth win of the season getting up 3-2. When asked how he felt after the game Fraser Hudson broke down in tears sobbing 'If only the boys could have seen us out there tonight, at times it almost felt like I was that Messi bloke on fifa ay'
And that sums up the performance, flutters if sheer brilliance interrupted by extended periods of 'normal play' showing just how mediocre this side really is.

Last Tuesday night, Picard’s Flute FC personally insulted everyone who has ever given his or her support to the team, as well as all people unfortunate enough to be in a 3km radius of Striker Leeming recreation centre at the time. In a pathetic display of “Futsal,” the “team” suffered a lackluster 2-1 defeat at the hands of No Eye Dears, leaving players and supporters wondering what horrible choices they made in their lives to be part of such a humiliating failure.

Entering the courts at 8pm, Picard’s drunken players were feeling very confident after coming off a two-week hot streak, which included the most sexually thrilling game in the club’s short history, a come from behind victory against The Killers. Surely the seemingly less impressive No Eye Dears were about to be skillfully disassembled by Picard’s raw talent. Thus began the downfall.

The early minutes of the game were tense, seeing many close scoring chances from Picard’s, but it was No Eye Dears to first get on the scoreboard, after a piss-poor defensive error from Tommy "who's got their money" Martin resulted in the ball rocketing through goalkeeper Adrian "I saw them at Splendour" Marsegaglia’s legs in to the back of the net. Marsegaglia proceeded to scream profanities and boot the ball away like a child, startling local residents.

The boys in high-vis were clearly struggling without the composure of missing star players and Sticky Fingers groupies Connor “a s**t’s a s**t” McAlpine and Andrew “il Ciao” Marrollo. Unforced errors were aplenty, and when the boys did manage to get the ball forward, the shots at goal didn’t have that Picard’s spirit we’ve all come to know and love. Somehow after countless attempts, a beautiful set piece finishing with a Josh "back her in" Adamson strike leveled the scores, with both teams on 1-1 at half time.

Unfortunately, the boys did not draw enough inspiration from Adamson’s heroics, turning the second half into a series of tragic mistakes. The team was an unorganized mess, fu***ng atrocious. Everyone was just kicking it out or to the opposition for no particular reason, playing like a bunch of complete retards. Disaster struck midway through the second half, when another shot when sizzling through Marsegaglia’s somewhat impressive legs. Adrian was fuming about this and after physically forcing Adamson to take his place as goalkeeper, immediately dribbled all the way down, only to fail to get a shot away like so many of his teammates had done before him. The last remaining minutes of desperation from the Flute proved to be too little to late as No Eye Dears, the clearly inferior team on paper, came away with the 2-1 victory.

After that insipid performance, Picard’s Flute will have to do a lot to win supporter’s trust back.

Much like most of our team members, Christmas has cm early this year. The flutes recorded their first ever back to back victory last night with our best win yet over 6th on the ladder, The Killers. Much to our disappointment this was not the well-known alternative rock band The Killers and was unfortunately a team of over competitive wankers.

With the debut of Keenan “It’s my round” Webster into the team and 2nd timer Andrew Marrollo standing tall at 4 foot 9 and a half, it was always going to be tough for The Killers. The big left boot of Sam Withers put the boys ahead 1-0 early in the first half but Killers shot back with a 360 no scope from half way with 5 seconds remaining to end the half at 1-1.

Our only player that is as overrated as Nic Naitanui, Tom Martin gave his best efforts to help the team to a loss with one of the worst performances seen all season. This included tripping on the ball several times and a very almost own goal, but luckily goal keeper Adrian “Big Fudge” Marsegaglia got his mittens up just in time with his best save of the season.

With some heckling from superstar Italian Andrew Marrollo, and yellow card specialist and homeless man Connor McAlpine, we drew the opposition yellow card leaving them a player short for 3minutes. The boys in high vis capitalized on this and scored a Fifa like goal with 2 minutes left on the clock to put us in the lead. Our Ross Lyon defense work, and another left boot sausage from Sammy Withers with 2 seconds left on the clock sealed the deal for Picard’s and our most inspirational win was final.

The shock win has been put down to the boys training camp at Rottnest Island over the weekend. While other Rottnest attenders have said to have seen the boys at Castaway, behind the scenes we had been training hard at Pinkies beach playing quokka soccer.

We would like to thank our friend whom we only know as Ian, for his awesome referee work. His one-sided calls and support in favor of our team touches our hearts.

-The Flutes

*Breaking News*
Boy oh boy wowie!! Waterworks at striker leeming tonight...
Picard's Flute have produced the upset of the season leaving 6th on the ladder, "The Killers" shattered. It remains to be seen whether the opposition will be able to recover from the physical, emotional and sexual trauma they received at the hands of the Flutes tonight...

Well, well, well, here we are again ladies and gents. Another week, another win for the Flutes, and what can you expect when they were up against a team called Lads FC? I mean turn it up, it was like playing the local AusKick team. With the inclusion of Ben “CBC” McAullay, who was looking deadly as Sean Abbott in front of goals in the pre-game warm up, it seemed that Picard’s had no choice but to bring home the W in their trademark physical and uncoordinated fashion.

The Flute’s got on the board early through Harry “was out with my brother’s mates” Stanley, with what can only be described as the sweatiest goal of the season on the back of a cross from Connor “Two-for-one Tendercrisp” McAlpine. These were backed up by two goals from Josh “without me we would have lost 3-2” Adamson, both the result of deflections causing own goals from opposition players due to his skill and finesse. Debutante McAullay then added to the tally with what he described as a “standard toe-poke” into the back of the net.

It seems only likely that if Picard’s Flute Futsal Club can keep up their current form that EA Sports will have no choice but to include them as a wildcard in the upcoming FIFA 17, much like Guy Sebastian at Eurovision 2014. Finally, to all you Konys that haven’t followed us back on our Instagram account, we’re not angry, just disappointed.

See you all next week.

*BREAKING NEWS*
Picard's Flute FC have recorded their 3rd win of the season with an upset victory against Lads FC

Picard's Flute 4 - 3 Lads

Goals: 2 Adamson, 1 McAullay, 1 Stanley

It was a night like no other. The Picards had little hope going into this game against 'Team Rice', which coincidentally consisted of an all Asian team membership.
It was Tuesday the 24th of November, and the team had some new players to sub in. With the debutant Harry 'I wasn't punching' Stanley replacing Josh 'I'd get with a 2 at leavers' Adamson, fans were excited to get a glimpse at the full potential of Picards. The first half saw a relentless defence from the boys in fluorescent yellow only conceding 3 goals and getting one on the board for themselves from an incredible toe poke out of the centre of the field by self proclaimed Captain/Coach Thomas 'I'm definitely an 11' Martin.
With Connor 'You wouldn't say no' Mcalpine complaining about the height of the roof at striker yelling at the umpire "Are these roofs even regulation?" saw the Picards enter the second half down 3-1. Josh 'old man Jenkins' Antoncich showed some Messi like qualities with a superb intercept and solo goal from the attacking half of the Flutes that quote Bruce McAvaney described as "Delicious." Conceding another goal saw the Flutes drop their heads with 10 minutes left on the clock. But, as said by our saviour Jesus Christ, "Ye have little faith." Because what happened next was unthinkable.
With a passage of play starting all the way from Adrian 'she's got F's' Marsegaglia rolling it out of goals to Alex 'Can I have a bite of that' Martin, who sent it out wide to Josh 'Can I pick a song next' Antoncich, and with poise and a quality first touch, sent it back to Alex, who sent it packing into the back of the net. With 2 and half minutes left on the clock a crowd began to grow to witness a possible once in a lifetime draw. However, unfortunately the boys in yellow couldn't get the job done and the game ended in a loss of 4-3.

Make sure you get down to striker next Tuesday to see the boys get up against the 'Lads' team where there is a certainty of someone to get knocked out as the Flutes study UFC champion Connor McGregors technique all week to get them ready for it.

- Stannerz mot

Last nights game saw Picards Flute Football Club’s greatest success of the clubs short yet arousing history. The boys in high vis steamed home with a 9-2 victory over Drum World, our 2nd ever victory.

With the return of Joshua “if sam says its ok” Leigh after break from injury, into the defensive line and Hayden “Fanny” Fancote into the forward pocket, the Flutes were looking strong on paper. The lack of apparent mental disabilities in the opposition side however did instill some nerves in the boys before the kick off.

Before long, the offensive pressure from AFL draft prospect and moustache enthusiast James Harrold combined with some Josh Hill like cherry picking from Fraser Hudson, proved too much for Drum World, seeing the Flutes ahead 6-0 at the half time break (brought to you by our friends at Emu Export).

The second half provided an opportunity for the boys to extend their lead with miracle goals from Hayden “Fanny” Fancote including a sausage from the corner mark. With 10 seconds remaining, a “ Jenkins-like” one-man show was put on from the Goal Keeper Adrian “how many standard drinks” Marsegaglia, to run the field and score his first goal of the season with 2 seconds left on the clock. When asked about his goal and spontaneous exit from the arena after 2 failed attempts to remove his shirt and tripping over a chair on the way out, Adrian said “the goal and the win means so much for the boys and we’d like to dedicate it to long lost role model and friend Aretha Naitanui”.

The future looks strong for our young football Club, with strong additions to come in the following weeks including Josh “I’m pretty sure she’s legal” Adamson. We hope to back up this great success with more in the following weeks.

Last night saw the boys in fluorescent yellow up against Bayern Bru, who like most teams in the league, have a name that makes absolutely no sense and take the Men's C division competition just a little too seriously. The boys were looking to grab their second win after 5 losses on the trot.

The Flutes started well and looked solid as a defensive unit, certainly more so than last week where the boys found themselves down 2-0 within the opening minute of the game. A noticeable omission however was defensive specialist Joshua "if Sam says its ok" Leigh, who is rumoured to have spent the night on the couch watching Bachelorette re-runs with his long time girlfriend. Picard's Flutes missing key defender was eventually exposed 10 minutes in, when Bayern Bru scored on the back of some horrible defence by the Flutes.

The boys fought back through debutante Andy "Morabito" Morrissy in the 13th minute of the game, who when asked about the goal said "I kicked it I think." Unfortunately for Picard's Flutes the opposition answered back quickly in the form of two goals before half time.

At the half time break player/manager Thomas Martin addressed the boys and said a strong focus on intensity and "winning the fu**in' hard ball" was necessary if the Flute's were to get themselves back into the game. The Flute's were also instructed to "pass the ball to the Italian," of course referring to first gamer Andrew Marollo, who did not look out of place in the Picard's Flutes uncoordinated line-up.

A goal shortly into the second half saw goalkeeping superstar Adrian Marsegaglia (sporting a haircut similar to my grandmother's) concede yet another goal, which prompted a fit of what can only be described as menopausal rage as Connor "A s**t's a s**t" McAlpine took the goalkeeping reins.

The bold switch worked immediately as Adrian took the field and helped contribute to two late goals from Jimmy Harrold.

Unfortunately for the Flutes, yet another chance to clinch a draw slipped through their fingers which sees the team slump to ninth on the ladder. The boys will be back next week, hoping to finish with any result other than a loss.