Doodlebugs

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"Childhood serves a purpose; it isn't something to "get through" or speed up. It's there to protect developing minds. To nurture young souls. So, let's give our kids the space to be unbusy. Let's unschedule. Let's "miss out". Let's hold the space for childhood. Because childhood isn't a dress rehearsal for adulthood."
—Tracy Gillett

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Boundaries on behaviour

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There is a difference between ‘self-regulation' and ‘self-control'. Despite so many parents seeing references to self-control on their 's report cards, one is often mistakenly confused with the other. And because a child needs self-regulation before they can exhibit self-control, it can be for a child when the latter is demanded in lieu of the former being developed.

Did you know there are 447 different uses of “self-regulation” in scientific literature from which 446 variations are about -control (Burman, Green, & Shanker, 2015). The two terms are somewhat convoluted, even throughout child development literature.

As Jeremy Burman, author of self-regulation research alongside renowned Dr Stuart Shanker, says, “When there are thousands of partially-conflicting studies, with new ones being published every day, you can't just 'read more.' You need to approach the subject in a different way." Recent research into self-regulation follows this line of reasoning, showing that the cognitive and physiological mechanisms involved in developing, experiencing and dealing with self-regulation issues are separate from those involving self-control.

🍬 SELF
Self-control became a focus in psychological research largely due to the “delay of gratification” studies that began to appear in the late 1960s (Mischel, 2014; Mischel, Ebbesen, & Raskoff Zeiss, 1972). These studies showed that problems in self-control could be detected in children as young as four, and that these problems were associated with challenges in emotion-regulation and executive functions (Eisenberg et al., 1995; Blair & Razza, 2007; Diamond & Lee, 2011).

The self-control paradigm became dominant because of the longitudinal studies showing that the children identified at a young age as having poor self-control fared worse over the long run, both physically and academically, and had significantly higher rates of internalizing and externalizing disorders as young adults (Moffitt et al. 2011; Mischel, Shoda, & Rodriguez, 1989). This research led many to conclude that children should be taught in primary school how to control their impulses (Schlam, Wilson, Shoda, Mischel, & Ayduk, 2013; Diamond, Barnett, Thomas, & Munro, 2007).

🤱🏾 SELF
In 1865, the father of modern physiology, Claude Bernard, inaugurated the scientific study of what came to be known as self-regulation. Bernard was interested in the mechanisms that enabled an organism to maintain a stable internal state in response to both internal and external “perturbations,” what Walter Bradford Cannon (1932) later defined as “stressors.” In its original psychophysiological sense, self-regulation refers to the way one recovers from the expenditure of energy required to deal with stressors.

In psychophysiology terms, self-regulation is a prerequisite for exercising self-control. An unstable internal state can lead to a limbic response— fight-or-flight, or freeze (a primitive neural response to threat easily misconstrued as compliance)— and impinge on the functioning of the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain governing self-control (Porges, 2011; McEwen, 2007).

The more an individual is chronically hypo- or hyper-aroused because of excessive stress, the more readily that person goes into fight-or-flight, or freeze (Lillas & Turnbull, 2008). These fight, flight, and freeze limbic states suppress, and at times “brake,” the necessary mechanisms in the prefrontal cortex for the practice of self-control.

Learning 'self-regulation' involves:
🧠 Learning how to monitor and manage your internal states;
🧠 Understanding what it feels like to be calm and alert; and
🧠 Learning to recognize when certain activities help you to return yourself to those states most easily, as well as what pulls you out of them.

As you can see, self-regulation is not self-control. In fact, self-regulation is what makes self-control possible.

https://cstu.io/a41ff1
https://cstu.io/523169

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Wise advice from Eric Carle. ❤🐛

Weekend loading . . .

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"Every has a corresponding challenge and every challenge has a corresponding strength. The inattentive child may be a deep thinker. The uncooperative child may be a good leader. The emotionally-charged child may be gifted with exceptional empathy. The rule-defying child may be an out-of-the-box innovator.
When faced with challenging , look for the corresponding strength, and focus on that gift while providing gentle guidance and coping techniques for the challenging areas. That is the essence of working with, instead of against, our children."
—L.R. Knost

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Why do moms yell?

Because we’re overwhelmed.

Because no one’s listening.

Because our kids are about to get hurt. “Don’t put your hand in there!”

Because the mess keeps piling up, and we're the only ones cleaning nonstop.

We yell as our arms charge up and down into the air.

We scream as our voice accelerates and our cheeks flush.

And then after we do, we feel immense guilt, defeated, and like we want to break down into tears.

We don't want to get to that point. We hate when it happens. But it does more than we'd like to admit.

Are all moms angry, and that's why we yell? No, we don’t wake up this way.

We find ourselves losing it because this parenting thing is hard.
We lose it because we have so much anxiety and no outlet.

We lose it because we’re exhausted to the point where our brain is functioning at 10% battery, and we need more than a good night's sleep to recover. We need a break: because we’re tired of doing everything, of nobody listening, of not being appreciated.

But just because we lose it doesn’t make us bad parents. We’re just humans who care more than anything in this world about our children and the type of humans they'll become, all while wanting to keep them safe, that we get frustrated with them and mess up ourselves.

We don’t want them to be brats. So, sometimes we yell.

We don’t want them to hurt each other, and if they do that to each other, they must do that to other kids. So, sometimes we yell.

We care so much about them that we get run down from trying so hard all the time…

…so, of course, we lose it.

And you’re not alone in this constant battle of losing it and feeling bad. Every single parent struggles because we’re human, and parenting’s messy, so we aren’t going to stay calm every confrontation of the day.

So if this is you today,

give yourself grace,

apologize for losing it,

and try better next time.

You’re still a good mom.

📸: angelica.ch.r

.....................................................⁣
My Children’s Book 𝘐𝘵’𝘴 𝘖𝘬𝘢𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘕𝘰𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘖𝘬𝘢𝘺: 𝘈𝘥𝘶𝘭𝘵𝘴 𝘎𝘦𝘵 𝘉𝘪𝘨 𝘍𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘛𝘰𝘰 is out everywhere: https://amzn.to/317TvVc

Happiest of Mother’s Day to all our special mommies

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Most of us don’t intentionally shame our children, but still be aware that, to an extent, it’s most probably deeply programmed somewhere in their brains, from before their earliest memories.

Because, when your baby stuck their fingers in a plug socket, while firmly saying ‘NO!’ was absolutely necessary, that kind of teaching is so powerful at such an early age, because it’s shame doing the work.

And accept that without shame, because that was an essential part of keeping them alive.

But when your child is ‘over sensitive’; when their behaviors are confusing, dramatic or over-the-top; when they give themselves (and you!) a hard time, even when they’re sad'; it’s often just because shame is driving the bus.

Empathy and connection; not problem-solving; are your allies in those moments.

And because you’re in charge of programming growing brains, try to steer clear of shaming yourself, even in your moments of less-than-ideal parenting.

Instead show your children how to be self-compassionate... How to be a perfectly imperfect, flawed human being. It’s one of the greatest gifts we can ever give our kids

💥 Brought to you by one of Neurochild's Brain Trust, Jo Stockdale with Well Within Reach
For the full post, visit: https://cstu.io/7ceba6

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"The most useful toys are those that require the most action on the part of a young child. The more children have to use their minds and bodies to make something work, the more they learn."
— Rebecca Parlakian

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“At the age of 10-12 months when a child begins to walk, the bones of the foot are only partially ossified, are in reality but an orderly arrangement of cartilaginous masses.” - Functional Disorders of the Foot by Frank D. Dickinson, MD 🦶🏽

The implications of this are that little feet are extremely malleable, and will adapt to whatever environment they are put in. We want our children to grow up with natural shaped feet, not shoe-shaped feet. Keep those little paws out of shoes as long as possible. 🐾

📸 @Kai.plasencia

Learn more: https://returntonow.net/.../stop-forcing-kids-to-keep.../

Think about this...

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"When a child is moving though the world differently, they are often all too aware that they don't quite fit in. But when parents commit to creating an environment where their child can let down their defenses, there is no limit to their growth."
— Debbie Reber

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"The most profound thing we have to offer our own children is our own healing."
—Anne Lamott

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"Children want the same things we want. To laugh, to be challenged, to be entertained, to be delighted."
— Dr. Seuss

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“Whenever children say ‘let’s pretend’, a new landscape of possibilities is revealed. When children , they try on new feelings, roles and ideas. They stretch their minds along with their imagination.”
—Deb Curtis & Maggie Carter

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Thank you Belinda and your team from KAWS for having our Grade Rs come to visit . We had such a special time with all the kitties and doggies ❤️❤️

Music and learning ❣️

True!

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"While our society is busy wondering & theorizing about what children need most, simply holds a space for the child to discover that for themselves."
— Nicolette Sowder

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❤ them today TEACH them tomorrow.

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Children’s ability to move and play are being restricted more than ever. We are trying to protect them by saying “No climbing,” “No running,” “No spinning,” “That’s too dangerous,” and “Get down from there!” However, research shows that the drastic decline in “risky” outdoor play in kids is creating behavior problems. By constantly hovering over kids, restricting their movement, and diminishing their time to play, we are causing more harm than good.

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics (2013), a recent study shows that the average child spends eight hours a day in front of screens (television, video games, computers, smart phones, and so on). Older children and adolescents are spending an average of eleven hours a day in front of screens (Hanscom 2016). That’s a huge amount of time spent in front of screens, which provide little to no proprioceptive or vestibular input. In prior generations, this time was spent outdoors or in play.

In order for kids to listen, focus and learn to sit still for a period of time, they must develop both proprioception and vestibular sense. The most critical time to develop a child’s proprioception and vestibular sense is before age six. With all the time spent in front of screens and telling kids to sit still, avoid climbing, and stop jumping, it’s not surprising why kids won’t listen.

• Proprioception is what tells you where your body parts are without having to look at them. This is the sense that helps you make sense of gravity. It’s the reason you can switch from the gas pedal to the brake without looking at your feet, or bring popcorn to your mouth without taking your eyes off the movie screen. Without properly developed proprioception, kids can push too hard during tag, fall out of their seat at the dinner table, or trip while walking up stairs.

• Vestibular sense provides information about where the body is in relation to its surroundings. This is the sense that helps you understand balance, and it connects with all the other senses. When the vestibular system does not develop properly all other senses will struggle to function properly. Without a strong vestibular sense, kids will have no choice but to fidget, get frustrated, experience more falls and aggression, get too close to people when talking, and struggle with focusing and listening. Because they literally cannot help it.

In order for kids to learn to listen, focus and follow directions as they grow, they need to develop proprioception and vestibular sense by experiencing many physical challenges during childhood.

When children jump, swing, spin, pick up rocks or dig in the dirt, kids are doing exactly what they need. They aren’t intentionally doing it to get hurt, act rambunctiously, worry you or get messy. They are doing it to help themselves become safer, calmer and happier kids.
https://cstu.io/4b8241

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All children are "good" children 💙

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"If children feel safe, they can take risks, ask questions, make mistakes, learn to trust, share their feelings, and grow."
—Alfie Kohn

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The reason implementing boundaries can be so difficult is because nobody wants the conflict that often ensues.

We all know that fulfilling parenting is less about ‘𝘞𝘩𝘰 𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘣𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦?’ but, especially while we’ve got far too much on our 𝘰𝘸𝘯 plate, it’s too easy for our big ego to step in and insist ‘𝘐’𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘐 𝘢𝘮 𝘪𝘯 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘨𝘦’.

Regardless of the issue, we insist that the same blanket-rule should apply, but it's that inflexibility and rigidity that can dismantle all our ‘peaceful parenting’ dreams, in a heartbeat.

Here’s 𝘢 𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘧𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 between a child who works 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 you, and not 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘵 you.

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗺𝗮𝗷𝗼𝗿𝗶𝘁𝘆 𝗼𝗳 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘄𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗸 𝗼𝗳 𝗮𝘀 𝗮 𝙗𝙚𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙞𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙤𝙧 𝙖𝙩𝙩𝙞𝙩𝙪𝙙𝙚 𝙥𝙧𝙤𝙗𝙡𝙚𝙢 𝗶𝘀 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗮𝗰𝗰𝘂𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗹𝘆 𝗮 𝙘𝙤𝙢𝙢𝙪𝙣𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙥𝙧𝙤𝙗𝙡𝙚𝙢.

Here are 𝟱 𝗽𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗰𝗶𝗽𝗹𝗲𝘀 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗽𝗲𝗮𝗰𝗲𝗳𝘂𝗹, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗲𝗳𝗳𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲, 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗺𝘂𝗻𝗶𝗰𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 with your kids!

𝟭) 𝗧𝘂𝗻𝗲 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝘁𝗿𝗶𝗴𝗴𝗲𝗿𝘀

If your child hates setting the table, is it SO important?
Can they do another task and 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 be helpful?
Having a sense of '𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘱𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳' in the proceedings; rather than being overpowered; is key to avoiding combat.

𝟮) 𝗠𝗮𝗻𝗮𝗴𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗧𝗶𝗺𝗲

Give children notice around those points, offering countdowns wherever possible; i.e. 10 more mins, 5, 2 and 1.

𝟯) 𝗛𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗥𝗘𝗔𝗟𝗟𝗬 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂?

Don’t assume that, because your child is nodding, that they’ve heard you; when they just want you off their back, they’re not really tuned in.
Ask them to look up, and at you, and to repeat to you.

𝟰) 𝗚𝗶𝘃𝗲 ‘𝗖𝗵𝗼𝗶𝗰𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗩𝗼𝗶𝗰𝗲’

Yes, children may want it their ‘own way’, but they probably don’t like fighting any more than you do.
So, BEFORE the trigger point arises, explain your concern, then ask for 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 input. It's always going to be easier to implement boundaries that your child’s agreed to already.

𝟱) 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗣𝗼𝘄𝗲𝗿 𝗼𝗳 𝗪𝗶𝗴𝗴𝗹𝗲-𝗥𝗼𝗼𝗺!

There's a lot of power in a little negotiation! If agreeing to two more minutes is the difference between a meltdown or not, it's not you 'giving in'.

Boundaries make for security, predictability and consistency; all very useful for children who’ve lived with a great deal of uncertainty in recent times; but they don’t have to be an electric fence!

💥 Brought to you by one of Neurochild's Brain Trust, Jo Stockdale with Well Within Reach
For the full post, visit:
https://cstu.io/c2465c