Mica Montana

this is your friendly neighbourhood spider girl reporting live and direct from her bedroom coming to tell you that she has finished her final wellbeing workshop for the year and is very happy about it. it was a really lovely time and i’m looking forward to getting the feedback so that i can develop these spaces and the content further, but what i am most happy about is that the creative part of the session went really well and the girls grounded me in some very real experiences. this wellness bag is not always tea and candles. sometimes people die and there’s blood and children to navigate. how do you stay ‘well’ in that? sometimes you just have to breathe through it until your internal environment doesn’t reflect the chaos of the external. sometimes you have to dance through it, punch through it (not people ofc), cry through it, journal through it, affirm yourself through it, ask for help, lean into community - find what works for you - but i know that what always always always helps is being kind to yourself and i love these workshops for always reminding me of that. big thanks to .network for having me, they are doing such important work to get black women into tech industries! thank you for creating opportunities for us and thank you for reminding us to look after ourselves while we take them.

it’s cool when you make something that brings you into sweet exchanges between friends 🤗. i was inspired by to write my friend this poetry affirmation as a gift for her birthday, and as i was putting it together at work one of my colleagues asked if she could have one for her daughter! i made them available on my website incase other people were interested too and recently a couple of friends bought some and they let me know about it! (swipe to see some of the exchange because 🥺). i have a few left so if anyone is looking for a sweet gift for their friends or fam who had it rough this year and need to be reminded of some things, i gotchuuu.

me and my hot water bottle just sitting here wondering when my uterus is going to relax. i smiled for the first photo but my mood is actually the second two. my periods are difficult at the best of times but this week has been difficult to navigate through emotionally. one thing that helps me when it’s like this is to reframe the heightened emotional sensitivity that comes as positive. like yes, i am more sensitive, but that’s an invitation by my body to see my internal life with more clarity. insecurities are closer to the surface, ignored feelings are re-emerging all so that i might be able to see them more clearly and work through them, purge them if you will, shed them, so that i can build myself back up again on new foundations. it’s not just a physical shedding, but an emotional one too, an opportunity to go inward and to rebuild there. this perspective has really helped to shift some of the stress of it all and to approach my periods with curiosity rather than dread and apprehension. tea helps too. a lot of tea. cardamom, ginger, fennel, mint, all of it.

*one thing i will say is that i’ve experienced a lot of suicidal thoughts this time around (pls don’t message me about this I’m very fine), it’s not a regular feature but it aligns with the depth of feeling that has been pulled out of me as well and the overall feeling of not being able to do life. there’s something in there about whether we make enough space in our conversations around mental health to account for the cycles and processes of our bodies, but that is too big of a topic for this caption.

poetry, songs + prayers at protest with my pals collective a few weeks back. we had intended that we would not just use the moment to say black lives matter, but to show that black living matters by embodying it - embodying life, creativity, community and joy. joy especially. collectively our joy has taken a knock recently with the world perpetually inviting us into grief, but the gift we have is that we have been able to move through the hurt together. as we move through the next few months and whatever they bring, lean even more fully into the love around you, find the moments of joy, don’t give up on the things you care about. keep pushing forward. as the poster says, we are the change.

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so this lockdown i have been trying to become a freelance babe and was focusing on running freelance workshops, but then it dawned on me that i could also write on a freelance basis too. this is my first freelance article for about an interaction i had with a friend that made me question whether or not as a community we are really prepared to talk more about mental health. are we prepared to make space for the listener and the person sharing? to make room for how it feels to hear so that we can continue to listen and have the people around us feel safe to share? i also share some things people around me have found important to keep in mind when listening to friends talk about their mental health. the link is in my bio + feel free to share your thoughts!
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facilitated my first online workshop today for
we explored our relationship to emotions and what emotions we might feel on the journey of growing into leaders and into ourselves, we explored being present with ourselves creatively and explored how to make space for ourselves and each other to feel things, by listening to each other and responding. we explored letting ourselves experience outside of trying to ‘fix’. i’m cognisant right now of the amount of problems that are highlighted right now in the world, and it is programs like this that really give me hope for our future and the minds and hearts and wellbeing of our future leaders, because that is what will shape everything else. thank you so much for having me and for believing in the value of this work. thank you for creating space and for your heart for women and for your consistent and persistent showing up. i also want to thank those who attended for their vulnerability. big thank you’s.
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-leadership

allow me to reintroduce myselffffff. *sings in Jay-Z*

i joke, but honestly this lockdown has me feeling a little brand new. there has been so much refining of character, purging of the past and emerging of a creative self during these lockdown days. it hasn’t been comfortable and there have definitely been tears, but it’s all been necessary for growth. thank you guys for being with all the reflective posts i’ve shared in this season, and hello to all the new followers. my hope is that from the things i share from my journey, you would be encouraged in yours (and that you would also find art for your heart and general wholesome content along the way). i’m going to be a bit more intentional about sharing some poetry here and engaging as community because i feel that’s what this is, this bearing witness to the unfolding of each other’s lives online. it is community. so thank you for witnessing and being part of it. i hope you enjoy what is to come. for now though, please enjoy these self-portrait pics because honestly, who can ever choose?
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a day late, but here are some things the earth has taught me these past few years.
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here is a smile for your TL because the sun was really hitting and team iPhone is a flex. my hair looks like a sponge but we move. auntie Lauryn is on my chest reminding us that we could all benefit from a re-education in loving ourselves and each other. somehow in the world right now we are seeing that there are places where racism, injustice and selfishness are being mistaken for self love justifiable by fear, when love of self is inseparable from love of other, when love itself is inseparable from honour, when love itself casts out fear. anyway, i am encouraged by a generation that won’t allow the fruit of this miseducation to ripen. also encouraged by God. and also encouraged by this sun, because awoah.
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i was joking the other day that my summers have gone from ‘wake and bake’ to ‘wake and pray’ and remembered this poem.

in the past i would sometimes use drugs like a spiritual prop, a method of ascension. i didn’t know then that ascension occurs simply when you are pure in heart. i thought i could smoke my way to ‘Christ consciousness’ without doing the work of developing Christ’s heart. it didn’t work.

swipe for a portion of the story.
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*****na

i've been playing with this idea: if my life were a bible story, how would it read? i dont have a long caption for this one, because each day we do write our stories into existence. my heart is simply that we would live out stories we are proud of. stories of life + hope + freedom + perseverance. stories that speak of the goodness and gracefulness of God and the wonder of this humanity.
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i tried to write a short caption and failed.

last week i was invited by to stay in the building behind me to take part in a 5 day residential exploring the question 'what does it mean to live from the heart' through meditation, mindfulness, listening practises, arts, creativity and rest.

living from the heart means to me living from a place of integrity and listening to that still small voice inside of us. it means having the courage to quiet our egos so that we can facilitate connection rather than its opposite. it means having the humility to quiet our pride so that we can lean into who we really are, not who we feel we need to project. it means living in the honesty of our experience. living presently, in the awareness of ourselves, each other and God.

one of the unexpected elements of the retreat was the invitation to also lean into our childlikeness and to give ourselves permission to be free - free to be, to feel, to dance, to twirl, to run in the grass, to play, simply. to play. and in the midst of that the relationship between play and creativity really opened up to me.

sometimes as creative people and generally as adults we can make 'creating' so serious and burdensome with all the talk about 'intention' and 'strategy' and learning 'technique' and 'form' - all of which are necessary things but there is also a necessity to make room for discovery. alot of the great things we enjoy in this life were discoveries, happened upon by accident, through experiment, through play; not through the intention of the mind, but the expression of the heart and the curiosity of the spirit.

the skill and the craft are by-products of those moments of unbound creative exploration. while we are out here trying to get the bag and monetize our hobbies and all that, may we also give ourselves permission to be free enough to lean into those moments.
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retreat

joy, joy + more joy is how we are moving through this last stretch of 2019.
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big thanks to for having me on his show on Tuesday to talk about my fav things: poetry and mental/soul health. i love that the conversation around mental health experiences is expanding beyond depression and anxiety and becoming more inclusive of the other narratives. so blessed and honoured to share a part of my journey with psychosis and soul healing to contribute to that and to join other black women in sharing the heart behind our art. grateful for this last push of 2019. grateful to have lived through this and to hage the opportunity to help others do the same. grateful to be a testament to the fact that, its worth it.
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lines from a poem i might never finish.

at the end of august i had a mental health dip and honestly did not want to be alive. but i know that we don't stay in those places we move through them. and i did, slowly. i took time off work, i slept, i ate, i grieved, i prayed, i allowed others to speak into + encourage me and took walks to the park where i sat for some small moments under the sun searching, waiting + listening. these were the words i found inside myself on day three.

i revisit them now and the words echo loudly. may they echo in you too.
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yesterday was a movie. my vision sister and i held a workshop for bame womxn exploring our collective and personal experiences of anger. to grow as people, as a community, we need to be self-aware; aware of our brains, our bodies and of the things that happen in our soul. as well as being aware of each other - because what is the point of healing if it is not collective? the two most important questions held in the space were 'how can i hold space for other people when they are angry?', how can others hold space for me to express and process? and how can i hold space for myself when others wont do it for me?' grateful for the women who showed up to offer reflections on those from their experiences. alot of the commentary given was that we dont often feel able to address these experiences. i am grateful to hold a space of validation in a world that often minimises our distress. grateful to provide a space where we can be honest about the times we hide our fear behind our anger, how it feels when anger invites shame, and what it means to unlearn the lessons passed on to us from previous generations about anger and our emotions. also! can we appreciate beaut worksheets bc they definitely bang. proud of us. of this community. thanking God for this alignment.
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it's not wash day and i dont have an afro any more but still, self-care is renewal and renewal is a daily practise. today i hope you have the strength to wash yourself of the former things so you can live renewed. i hope you have the courage to hold your dreams. i hope today you encounter a new beginning.
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i often struggle with the weight of purpose and my own inadequacy in carrying it. i often want to be perfect before i start so i am sure not to fail. or because im such a mess i dont want to start at all. but God spoke this word to me today to say, you are worthy of love regardless, you are loved regardless, and yes, there are parts of your character that still need development, but don't hate yourself or deny yourself love because of them. love yourself through them, through acceptance of them, in the working out of them, in the way they show up in your life, love yourself through them towards the strength, towards the glory, towards the movement of the spirit. sharing this because i felt it was a word for someone else too.
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i like pictures that indicate movement. movement is where the life is. joy is not static. love is not static. peace is not static, it is harmony in moving parts. life is not experienced as still images and perfect angles. it is full of moments made up of many movements. and even when we are physically still, our spiritsouls move. psalm 16:11 has been pressed on my heart today. it says that God reveals the path of life and fills us with joy in His prescence. may all your movements this week be in the direction of the that life giving path. in the direction of joy, peace, integrity, maturity, humility, and love. and also in the direction of excellence in your fashion choices. may avocado socks also bless you. 📷:
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sister solange said 'we have the right to be mad but when we carry it alone it only gets in the way, so we gotta let it go'.

and i will be creating a safe space where we can explore our relationships with anger, ways we can process it, and how we can move through it towards forgiveness of self/others towards positive change and self commitment.

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it can be difficult as black + brown womxn to move past our anger when we feel we are not able to acknowledge and express it and instead of feeling free and validated we are deligitimised by society and end up becoming drained, burdened, unheard, isolated and resentful - none of which serve our mental health, wellbeing or baby girl flourishing.

self-care means meeting the hard parts of ourselves and each other so we can flourish and while anger can be and is very destructive when it is not managed and expressed healthily, it can be a useful emotion that helps us identify injustice and the things that we value - it provides the fire that pushes us to create change in the areas where we have identified issues.
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page 42 of when daisies talk
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im at a mental health conference and i wanted to make a post about how great it is but im actually just angry and reliving the emotions expressed in this poem so instead this is a rant. i listened to a woman tell her story about how for 50 years she thought she was just schizophrenic because she hears voices, when the voices are really the childhood parts of herself that never got to speak during the lifetime of abuse she experienced from every man in her life who was supposed to love her. no one had taken the time to explore this with her until THREE YEARS AGO. here is a lesson in dissociation and voice hearing: when you are traumatised the best way to survive is to not be in your body because that's where the painful memories live. so you suppress, you avoid, you distance yourself from feelings - but this is not sustainable for the spiritsoul which desires to be one with the body, so at some point the spiritsoul makes a move towards integration and healing, and memories of pain comeback albeit fragmented, so it looks like hallucinations, voices, flashbacks. what you need in this time is to be held and supported through this integration and healing process and instead what often happens is a label is given, and the pain, the trauma and integration is forgotten - because now your experience is explained by this 'mental disease' and not your actual story. sometimes your diagnosis is helpful in giving language and understanding, other times not. can you actually imagine living for FIFTY YEARS with memories of violent trauma, thinking you were brain diseased because society could not admit that it raises violent and entitled men?

this woman is a amazing and through it all her spirit felt pure. i had gone to say thank you to her and offer a prayer, encouragement, solidarity - something. instead she left me with a psalm and the knowledge that God is her rock.
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this is not a just water ad, but plant based products are your friends.
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i attended my first international psychology conference + was given the opportunity to offer some words in response to a big question: how do we restore connection in a society that thrives on our disconnection? how do we restore connections that have been broken by race conflicts, war, migration, mental health diagnosis and broken clinical systems? many theories + research were discussed, but it was the stories and laughter shared inbetween the conference rooms that impacted me the most. what i have remembered is that what connects us is not intellect or theories, it is conversation, curiosity, vulnerability, open hearts, creativity, + art that shows the soul and holds up a mirror + shows the you in me.
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this is a appreciation post for green spaces and loc growth. both are reminders that nature is patient. that real development takes time. that blossoming takes time. you don't have to rush. you have time to rest. to breathe. and ofc, time to take pictures under the trees.
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i'm fairly bad at remembering to take photos at significant points, this is one of the few from yesterday to mark my 26th solar return. meeting 26 so far has been a meeting with intentionality and accountability, my own capacity to hurt others, the need to forgive and be forgiven. it has been a meeting with my dependency on God to move through me, walk with me and go before me. it has been a meeting with the feeling of not having achieved enough and gratitude for what i have done and will do. it has been a meeting with love, family, friendship and a stronger sense of purpose. i have met and i sit with all these things open and curious hearted, to see what else, who else, is due to join the table this year.

approaching final form with grace; God has been showing me these past two weeks that there is much value in who i am and that there is so much more of me to meet.
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