Gentle Coaching

Is getting up early and getting to bed earlier more healthy for us? Or do we each have a built in clock that we need to pay attention to?

Why Are Some Men Obsessed With Waking Up Super Early? Interrogating the cult of the early riser

What is family? Is it the people you are born to? Is it the people who adopt you and love you through those young years? Is it the siblings or half siblings you grow up with? Is it the friends you make who are really devoted to you? Is it the person you marry or dedicate your life to as a life partner? Is it the people who actually care and listen and are there for you on hard days? And are people no longer family when they say they can’t deal with you anymore? When they disagree with the very center of your beliefs or how you choose to live? Does divorce mean that you are no longer family to your in-laws? Does a child choosing one parent in a divorce mean that the other is no longer family? Many people love to use the term “Chosen Family” now, as sometimes the ones they are related to by blood may not wish to be in their lives but the ones who they “choose” may want to be.

What is family to you and what makes you feel included or loved in that family? What can we do better to make others feel like they are included in our family or have a place of belonging?

The other day I went through a drive through for lunch, I asked: “What kind of no-sugar drinks do you have?” The voice on the other side of the speaker said: “Uh, lemonade and water…” Hmm, she somehow failed to mention the Diet Pepsi and I’m guessing only someone who’s never juiced a real lemon 🍋 could think there’s no sugar in it?

Consider the source of the information you get! 😂😂😂

Written 12/2021:
Sometimes amongst the most bitter adversity you can find a moment of beauty! I’m not a real lover of winter. The chill gets right down into my bones so easily. The dark and gray skies without the sun add to my seasonal depression. Worrying about other drivers in a snowstorm is really what “white knuckling” is all about. I like to make plans and to be on time to them so it’s hard to do that when the weather is unpredictable. Holidays are tough when you’re alone and without close family. Here is a moment of beauty that I saw in this snowstorm that raised my spirits!

The ocean is so calming to me! It’s this wild relentless force of nature, it just keeps coming and slapping at the shore! Wave after wave after wave. High tide, low tide, mysteries beneath the water. Surprises beneath the sand. Sunrises and sunsets accentuate it. Clouds form around it. The fiery ball of the sun extinguishes itself in it at dusk and rises from it anew the next day! Sandy beaches & rocky cliffs try to contain it but they are no match against it! When it rages it rages hard and slowly but surely it gets its way!

It’s sound … that beautiful sound … that never ending sound! It calms me!

“Keep Trying”
On Monday I organized a hike with some friends for Labor Day. It was strenuous and fun and there was a cool suspension bridge that was the reward for the hike. Every day since then I have gotten up and gone for a one hour walk along different parts of the Jordan River Trail. That’s 4 days in a row now that I’ve exercised consistently for an hour or more. That may not sound like much but it’s hard for me to stay focused even for an hour sometimes. I get bored easily, tired and hot as well so although I try to walk often I rarely meet this 1 hour goal. So the question is how long can I keep this up? In the back of my head I’m thinking I could drop the 18 pounds I gained this last winter if I just kept this up along with intermittent fasting and trying not to snack between meals. I definitely want to look and feel better but I also want to give myself grace … be happy with what I can do and not berate myself for what I can’t. Trying is a big key in life for me. Trying my best to do what I can and giving myself grace when I cannot or don’t meet my own expectations. Why beat ourselves up when we can keep on trying and forget about the setbacks of the past. So today I kept trying and hopefully tomorrow I will too.

Will there be a Boot Scoot Boogie in heaven?

Recently one of my children got married. There were many parts of the wedding that were special moments for me but one that surprised me was how my heart felt when the “Boot Scoot Boogie” started playing and all of my children and their partners and so many others in the room got up and danced together. I love to dance myself but I’m out of practice because of 32 years of marriage with a wife who didn’t like to dance so I don’t know this dance since it was popular in my Daddy years. What I saw was a whole generation of people who had this as curriculum in their school setting in Utah. This included my youngest brother and all of my children. Sadly no form of dance was taught or required when I went to public school. So I stood there and watched mesmerized by the ability that so many had to remember the steps that they had been taught in High School.

Why did this soften my heart and why did I want to be out there with them? I guess it resonated with me on many levels. First the ability to do something together no matter our experience in life. To share something. To be joined in a common cause moving in motion together. We don’t have very many chances for that in our current world. We fight and bicker over politics, religion, Covid, sexuality, money, position, privilege and race. We decide we can’t even associate with people who don’t believe the way we do. Yes we do it in the name of boundaries or protecting ourselves from hurt or staying safe from evil influences but we all make choices as to who we will hang out with and who we will not. I think we often do ourselves a disservice by not engaging with others who think different from us and respectfully hear their perspective without argument or agreement necessarily.

My daughter whose wedding this was use to get mad at me as we were riding through town if I was playing country music on my car stereo. For some reason she had decided that particular genre of music was completely unacceptable and she let me know it every time I happened to play it with her in the car. I was actually really surprised when she said yes to my request of playing the popular country music song “I hope you dance” as our daddy daughter ballad for the reception. I was equally surprised when “Boot Scoot Boogie” started playing and she and her new husband got up with all the rest of them and line danced in her beautiful floor length wedding gown. I should have had some idea that she was changing as when my new son-in-law asked her to marry him they went horseback riding and wore cowboy hats for the event. Maybe his influence has softened her on her dislike of country music. People we are romantic with seem to have this kind of influence on us. They seem to open our eyes to things that, may be in the past, we just didn’t see. I’m glad that she no longer holds this blanket prejudice that she held against this genre because of some bad experiences she apparently had. It’s funny how loving someone so deeply allows us to open our minds. We should do this more often with people around us wether we are in a romantic relationship with them or they are just friends or acquaintances. More open dialogue and more respect for those who don’t believe the same as us will only do us good.

The next thing that touched me about this scene was the special feeling of love or the spirit or joy that I felt watching it play out. It felt like a little piece of heaven to me. Now that may seem blasphemous to those of you who think heaven is a perfect white edifice filled with people singing worshipful protestant hymns all the time. I guess I just feel like there are times that I feel the love of those around me and I feel God in it. I think God is in fun as well as joy, excitement as well as happiness, pleasure and leisure as well as work and sacrifice. I think sometimes we limit God to the things we know are sanctioned by him rather than realize that all good things are a part of him.

“If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.”

Since we know so little about heaven and exactly how our “eternal” relationships will play out.
…. “Wife number 3 would you like to go with me to visit our son and his 6 wives in their world next week?” …
I choose to concentrate on what I do know and what I can do in this life to be a good person and enjoy the good that life offers. As a Latter-Day Saint who is divorced and mostly attracted to men there are a lot of questions for the afterlife that I will probably not have answers to in this life. I don’t want to suppose or hear that I’ll be fixed and it will all be fine in the next life anymore than any woman in the church wants to hear that she will be one of many wives to their husband in the afterlife. The truth is, we just don’t know! We just don’t. So let’s do our best with what we have here and what we do know. Let’s stop supposing that Christ married Mary Madeline when we have no evidence that was the case or that he was married at all! Let’s stop trying to explain things that we just aren’t sure about and live the best with what we do know and start listening to other human experiences without so much judgement. Life is complicated and messy and full of grays and a lot less black and whites than we often paint it with. In fact it’s full of color and experience, diversity of opinion and thought and ideas and expression. Let’s listen a little more and preach a little less. Let’s be less judgmental and more loving. Let’s dance the Boot Scoot Boogie together!

My Covid-19

On Tuesday my oldest son Adam would have turned 32 years old --if he had lived. Throughout the years, my oldest daughter and I have often thought of him as our guardian angel watching over us as we go through our trials in this life.

On Wednesday the 18th at 3:30 in the morning I decided to go to the ER because I had become very sick through the night and I thought my symptoms might be Covid-19. I was scheduled for a CT scan later that day for my kidney cancer so I figured I needed to know if I was going to put others in danger and if I needed to cancel this scan. I spent four hours in the ER and conveniently they ended up doing my CT scan there. Because I did not have a fever or a dry cough (2 common symptoms in Covid-19) they checked me for all the other known flus and I tested negative for all of them. They put my info into the CDC website and were told they could not use a Covid-19 test on me because I did not meet the criteria. They then sent me home telling me to self isolate until I was feeling better. I've been getting sicker every day with a sore throat, coughing and sneezing, aches and pains and headaches and a little tightness in the chest. I waited over two hours on Thursday to talk to a TeleMed physician's assistant who again told me that it didn't sound like Covid-19 but to be sure to stay isolated and by 7 to 10 days I should be well again. These symptoms just seemed to get progressively worse over the weekend but finally last night and this morning I feel like I've turned a corner in this sickness and am finally on the mend.

Most of my life I have been heavily triggered by addiction and depression when I am sick. It's a time when I feel more alone than ever. It's a time where I really want the people who love me and I feel should be devoted to me to baby me and care for my every need. This might go back to my childhood where maybe I felt like it was the only time that I was treated special by both my parents and not just one of many (6 kids) or as the number 3 child and maybe 4th or lowest priority in the family (as my sister and younger brothers often felt more important to me -- at least to my Dad.)

There have been times that I would not have gotten through a week like this as well as I have. Sickness, isolation, constant doom and gloom from the news, rejection from persons I love most in the world. But somehow, between God, some family members, a few kind friends and church-neighbors, a loving counselor and Bishop … I have somehow gotten through without falling into deep depression. I turned the corner 2 nights ago from getting sicker and sicker each day to now feeling almost completely well again and feeling more hope again. Despite some depression, I did it with only one 2 minute incident of p**n while in the past I might have spent dozens of hours on this useless and self-destructive pass time. I got through this sickness without thoughts of su***de when that was my main go to only a few months ago in the wake of my divorce and the pain of watching my father die and the ever emotional ups and downs of the holiday seasons. I got through without constantly seeking others but instead in a healthy way reaching out and providing comfort as well as receiving support through phone calls, texts, Marco Polo and food on my doorstep.

I am not fully out of the woods with who I am and where my life is going from here as a single gay Mormon, but I do know a few things. I know I want to live! I know I cannot leave the church that I love and believe in. I know that I need love in my life and the companionship of family, good friends and neighbors by serving others and by this serving my God. I miss the sense of family that I have had most of my life but is hard to feel after divorce and both of your parents are dead. I hope to have that again somehow in my life but I do not know what form it will take. Television and movies for years has turned a tight knit group of friends into the modern day family and although I sometimes feel that sense of family at a particular gathering of friends or at a party or event like the Norhtstar Conference or even attending my weekly church meetings — without the bonds of commitment like spouse, brother, sister, father, mother, grandparent, aunt or uncle — seldom are 3 or more people really devoted to each other as portrayed by Hollywood. Family is made up of a commitment that is not easily broken that creates a bond of devotion and sacrifice and slows the ability for “flight” when the fight breaks out or when we hurt each other by stupid choices or when things get really tough in the world or our careers or financial status or other trials.

I really have no idea what my future looks like — but I know I am willing to continue to try and live it — and I will continue to try and live it ... just, "one day at a time!"

Names we call ourselves & others

I had quite an interesting conversation the other night with a group of guys who had gone out to dinner after our Sexaholics Anonymous (S.A.) meeting. One of my straight buddies was confused because I had called myself gay when in the past he had heard me refer to myself as bisexual. I explained to him that in my view the term gay broadly encompasses the first 3 names in LGBTQ or le***an, gay and bisexual. This conversation was very open because that's what we practice doing at S.A., to be vulnerable and frank with each other and communicate about touchy things. I love this group because gay or straight we all have a similar challenge to not let addiction to sexual things rule our lives! After I answered the first question another guy chimed in saying: "... well what's with the plus then? Why didn't you say that?" I replied by continuing on the theme I had already begun. "Well, Q***r is the accepted over-arching term for most in the LGBTQ community but it's one that I'm not comfortable with. Millennials seem comfortable with it I think because they've grown up reading psychological studies about our community and those studies were officially called "Q***r Studies," while to my generation the term q***r is fairly equal to the derogatory terms fa**ot or d**e. Both of which I would usually find very offensive." I also explained to him that the plus sign just means that there are other gender or sexuality identification terms that are just not covered by this common acronym. This seemed to satisfy his curiosity on the subject.

So what is in a name and why do we need to be careful about them or so gentle with those who define themselves in different terms that we may not always understand or even know exist? As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints this has been a hot topic lately as the man we revere as our prophet has asked us to no longer refer to ourselves as Mormons or Latter-day Saints. This is a shift in thinking that we have long grappled with as a church. In our early history of restoration the term Mormon came as a derogatory term from our enemies referring to our belief in the Book of Mormon as a book of scripture equal to our belief in the Bible, but over time the term became more soft to us and we became more accepting of it. I believe a similar thing is happening with millennials with the term "q***r" which still grates on an old guy like me ... but is acceptable to a younger person.

So, again, why do we need to be so careful about terms like this and their meanings in our current culture? First, I think we ourselves need to try harder to not be offended by what other people say who are not schooled in things that we believe and understand. I am not offended by someone else calling me a Mormon or a Latter-day Saint as my offense would serve no real purpose. I myself struggle to get away from these terms because they're much easier to say than: "a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints,"

We often think: "what is in a name?" This brings to mind the famous Shakespeare line by Juliet: "What’s in a name? That which we call a rose / By Any Other Name would smell as sweet.” but I beg to differ with The Bard on this topic. My name, Rod, has always been a thing of pride and comfort for me, even when I was teased as a young man by a few boys who tried to use it as a derogatory term. I just never accepted those negative connotations, I think because I grew up with so many positive connotations for my name. Hot rod, "hold to the iron rod" from the Book of Mormon. A shepherds rod, a divining rod. Even the phrase: "spare the rod and spoil the child," was filled with the idea of power in the rod itself. So there were enough positive connotations to my name that I just never accepted the negative ones. However there are many names and terms that there are little or no positive connotations for. Even though in their own small closed culture those inside that group may joke about those terms together it can be wholly unacceptable for others to use those terms who are not true members of that category. To me the N-world is about as unacceptable as the F word, and yet I've heard some of my African-American friends call each other that in jest.

So I must conclude that Juliet iis wrong and that there is something to a name and especially to the names we call each other. I think It's good for us to be kind by being careful and to ask others what terms they feel comfortable with? I also think it's good for us to be apologetic about the fact that we don't always understand other people's meanings of various terms and to express our belief that -- different words -- mean different things -- to different people. Brené Brown is a good example of that to me. In her Ted talks she says that every time she looks up a term in the dictionary and isn't pleased with it ... she makes up her own definition that she thinks fits her beliefs better. I know you "Blues" in the color code are freaking out by this concept as you are more prone to be rule keepers to those who appear to be in authority, but to a "Red" this makes absolute sense. I think we just need to be more flexible and realize that whoever was hired by Webster to write that particular definition isn't necessarily the end-all in how people should feel about that term or the life experiences of each individual or opinion of that term or category.

In the end I believe that there is a lot in a name or a term that people define themselves by. So let's be kinder and gentler and ask more questions and take less offense like the good open dialogue that I had with my friends at the Burger Boys the other night! Communication taken gently can always lead to better understanding.

© Rod Mortensen
1/1/2020