HaHa Hellscape

And a little something lighter...

Gonna go out on a limb here and probably get my page shut down, but I would much rather that if I don't survive a shipwreck or an apocalyptic hellscape, that someone eat my c0rpse rather than vi0late it.

Never thought I would knock hypothetical cannibal!sm down a notch on a list of THE HORRORS... but here we are.

So it's a plague of LOCUSTS?

F××king Fantastic.

https://time.com/article/2026/03/31/new-covid-variant-cicada/

My landlords either fix it (the husband) or the wife sends over the most easy-on-the-eyes repairmen.

I totally thought about showing the handsome RotoRooter guy a photo of my daughter LMAO but then I needed to blow up the place as soon as the toilet was flushable.

It hardly seemed like the time to stump for my child... sorry girl.

I did not have Noem's husband's being involved in a "bimbofication" fe**sh scandal on my 2026 Bingo card.

Creates a slightly different lens for "Ice Barbie," (which was surely the intention of releasing said info).

And now we wait for what her replacement Cowboy Ken has in store...

Got a mystery box in the mail today.

Apparently my doctor wants me to do bu++ stuff.

Mail order colon cancer screening. What a time to be alive.

There was a Norwegian butter crisis?!?

Anyone else miss that ENTIRELY or am I alone in that?

I am deceased.

When I die can someone log into my Facebook and post "lol not me dying"

Things were more simple then, we thought...

Remember when the idiots in our government caused no lasting damage? In the spirit of nostalgia, here is the complete wisdom of Dan Quayle:

Dan Quayle on Education

“Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.”
“We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.”

“You take the United Negro College Fund model—that what a waste it is to lose one’s mind, or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.”

Dan Quayle on Geography

“We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.”

“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”

“It’s wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.”

“The western part of Pennsylvania is very, uh, Midwestern. Midwestern. And the eastern part is more . . . east. Uh, the Midwest . . . Uh, Pennsylvania is a very important state, a big state. The western part is—Pennsylvania is a divided state, like Tennessee is divided into three parts. Pennsylvania is divided into two parts. You have western Pennsylvania and then you have eastern Pennsylvania.”

“Hawaii is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a—it is different than the other forty-nine states. Well, all states are different, but it’s got a particularly unique situation.”

“Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here.”

Dan Quayle on Outer Space

“Space is almost infinite. As a matter of fact, we think it is infinite.”

“For NASA, space is still a high priority.”

“It’s time for the human race to enter the solar system.”

“Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.”

Dan Quayle on Family Values

“Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.”

“Republicans understand the importance of bo***ge between parent and child.”

Dan Quayle on Politics

“This election is about who’s going to be the next President of the United States.”

“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Vice-President, and that one word is ‘to be prepared.’ ”

Dan Quayle, Master Detective

“When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple. Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.”

Dan Quayle, Time Traveller

“The real question for 1988 is whether we’re going to go forward to tomorrow, or past to the . . . to the back.”

“I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.”

“The future will be better tomorrow.”

“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean, in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.”

And, finally, Zen Quayle:

“Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.”

“We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”

“I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.”

Good luck, Onion! What's your favorite non-Onion but Onion-y headline of 2026?!?