Brigitte Ranae

In the Sermon on the Mount recorded in Matthew chapter 5, Jesus spoke the 8 Beatitudes. In the 6th beatitude, He said "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God." The Words of the Bible often pop out of the page and breathe new life to my soul; that's what happened today in reading this passage. Tears immediately fell and I said, "God, what does it mean to be pure in heart?"

Being gently led to I Corinthians 10:31-33, He spoke so clearly into the depths of my soul, "It means to do ALL things for My glory, to not offend anyone regardless of culture, practices, or beliefs, and to seek the good and profit of the many, having consideration for the interest of others, and doing what is in the best interest, not just of yourself, but of others so they may be saved."

Father, help me live the 6th Beatitude daily.

It's time.

Some of the greatest advice I ever gave myself was:

"Mature through it!"

I cried, "Please God, guide me"

He gently whispered, "I Am"

Simple but powerful:

SHOW UP! Stop hiding! What are you hiding from that's keeping you from showing up in life? We can reduce a lot of life's pressures simply by showing up authentically. Consider yourself challenged this week: GO!

Question Posed: I feel lonely but don't have the energy to get out and connect. It's just easier to spend time in solitude because I can avoid the expectations and stressors involved in relationships. I know it sounds terrible, but it's true. Solitude is not a bad thing, right?

Post the COVID pandemic, this topic has surfaced a lot. The epidemic of loneliness has been declared a public health threat. According to the CDC, "social isolation and loneliness have become widespread problems in the United States, posing a serious threat to our mental and physical health." Keep in mind, you don't have to feel lonely to suffer the consequences of isolation.

According to Harvard, "Isolation is associated with elevated risks for heart attack, stroke, chronic inflammation, depression, anxiety, perceived stress, and loneliness. People who feel lonely (disconnected from others) have been shown to have faster rates of cognitive decline than people who don't feel lonely."

The CDC reports that social isolation and loneliness have also been linked to increased risks of diabetes, depression, addiction, self-harm, suicidal ideation, dementia, and earlier death. One study shows a 70% increase in mortality for those suffering from isolation and loneliness, especially among the elderly.

Here's the thing, many of us enjoy and thrive when we prioritize a certain amount of solitude, I certainly do. But social isolation is a different story. Solitude is peaceful time spent enjoying time with yourself. Isolation is lack of companionship and connection. When we feel like no one sees us, or we do not allow others to see us (mentally or physically), then we are isolated and disconnected.

"I like being alone. I don't need anybody." Well, science and history would disagree with you on every front. Statements such as this are typically mere defense mechanisms for the inability to cope in stressful situations that may arise during social interactions. Oops, yes, I said it. I went there. In reality, most of us using such verbiage are probably experiencing social anxiety of some sort. It's okay. Let's just explore.

Some individuals are people-people. They always want to be around people. They love the energy and thrive in groups. However, some of us, naturally feel uncomfortable with too much stimulation of a bunch of people. Some have lots of friends. Some have one or two friends but they are meaningful and enriching. Both instances can be healthy.

Do "people get on my nerves" or am I just "not capable of regulating my emotions when things feel uncomfortable"? No one is responsible for my emotions. Now, don't hate me for saying this okay? If we are walking around frustrated easily, and a lot, by the actions of others, that's not a social interaction difficulty, or a problem with all the people around us. No, that's an inability to adapt, cope, and self-regulate. Ouch, but true. Keep reading.

Homework: So, where do we start to work towards well-being on the social scale? It really depends on where you are. Remember, the brain only feels comfortable doing what it's been doing over the last few months. We don't do what's healthy, we do what's familiar because those are the neural pathway options we've created through repetition in our brains. But, here are a couple of considerations:

If you are someone who DOES enjoy people but just haven't spent time connecting recently, then grab your calendar, friends and family name list, and upcoming local events page and plan something now. Don't wait. Actually, stop reading right now and get it planned! Email or text an event or play date of some sort to someone who revives your soul. And then, plan another date doing something else next month. Keep connection on the calendar. Make connection with others a priority. It's not about quantity, but rather quality, so don't worry about spending a lot of time, just make sure the time is well-spent with someone who enriches your life.

If you are someone who DOES NOT enjoy people, then you're probably already frustrated, thinking I couldn't possibly understand your reasoning behind your commitment to solitude. Smiles to you Beautiful Human; I am on your side. Social interaction can be difficult and frustrating. Just know there isn't anything wrong with you and you are not alone. We are all wired differently. Regardless if we enjoy people or not, isolation and lack of social connection is not healthy, so please just read the last couple paragraphs and I'll stop typing :-).

If connection with others is difficult, please think about this. In order for us to safely engage with others, we must first enjoy ourselves and feel good about who we are. If we are walking around in our defenses and insecurities, not loving nor feeling good about ourselves, our engagements will be limited. For interactions to be healthy, we must be healthy and our interactions must be free of criticism, judgment, and power struggles. We must be able to trust ourselves and others.

If connection feels uncomfortable or unsafe to you, there is a reason and it can be communicated through. Listen, I'm a three-time college graduate, hold many certifications, worked with thousands of people and I still talk to a therapist on occasion so my crap doesn't limit my life and relationships. I'm not just talking the talk here. The struggle is real and so am I, but I refuse to allow my familiar reactions to limit life and connections.

It is important to speak with someone who specializes in our specific needs though. Sometimes therapy gets a bad rap because we do not hire someone who specializes in the specific type of therapy we need. For instance, CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) is very helpful with social anxiety. ERT (Emotional Regulation Therapy) is very effective in supporting those with difficulty regulating their emotions. If trauma is an underlying affect of difficulties connecting socially, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy can be very helpful. Hire someone who specializes in your specific needs.

The point, we were all created for connection. Healthy relationships and interactions are a vital part of a healthy life. Too much time away from people is not solitude, it's isolation. Please don't con yourself into believing otherwise. Get connected; either with existing friends and family, engage in a local group or community activity, or with a support system that will help you learn how to connect safely with yourself and others. You deserve it and the world needs you. See you out there.

Cheers to Reducing Life's Pressures,
Brigitte

Question Posed: What's the difference between happy and joy? I've had lots of happy moments in my life, but I don't think I really experience an underlying sense of joy. I hear people talk about joy, but how do I experience it long-term?

Ohhh, good one :-). I've had so many clients ask a similar form of this question. Let me make this one super simple and applicable. Happiness and joy are both feelings that occur so we can't force them. So let's look at the difference of their origin.

Happiness is typically more temporary. We feel it when a circumstance happens that we like or appreciate, or when we do something enjoyable. It stems from fleeting moments that are pleasing. Happiness is challenging because it only sticks around when things are going the way we want them to go.

Joy is more long-term. It comes from a mindset of satisfaction and contentment in life. We can experience it for shorter seasons and/or for longer bouts of time. Joy requires living authentically to avoid experiencing cognitive dissonance.

On occasion, you'll meet someone joyous, possibly bubbly (but maybe not), who is typically just content and not easily knocked off the joy-wagon by external circumstances. Are they an eternal optimist? Not necessarily. More than likely, they are walking in their own authenticity.

Authenticity?!?! Now that's tough because the vast majority of people we meet do not actually have an authentic sense of personal identity. Hence the reason most do not live with an underlying sense of joy. Lack of joy is a huge problem in our world and is one root of much of the ugliness we see today.

The reason joy can be so ambiguous is because it requires us connecting with our own authenticity. Authenticity removes the ambiguity of joyfulness. Regardless of fleeting circumstances, when we have an appreciation and respect for our own identity, joy is present. Even in the midst of difficult times, a sense of internal joy is probable. That is why, when I begin working with new clients, one of the first things we do is figure out the client's genuine identity.

Homework: Ready to experience joy? Begin working on connection with yourself. Who are you? Not your roles; but rather you, as an individual. Then begin aligning your thoughts and behaviors with your authentic self. At some point, you'll wake up one day and go, "Holy cow! So THIS is what joy feels like!" There are always opportunities for joy when you walk in your own authenticity.

Question Posed: I'm not sure if I'm ready for the commitment necessary for change. How do I know if I'm ready or if I'll fall back into the same old patterns and stay stuck?

Great question. I hear this, or a similar version a lot. Can I type something here and you actually chew on it, absorb it, and remember it? Okay? You ready? No, you're not ready. Okay, do this first, take a deep breath...another...one more...Now, square your shoulders back, chest out, chin up...okay....now you're ready:

Listen, we are NOT ALWAYS READY FOR CHANGE! Nope, we're not. Guess what, that's perfectly okay. It's not only okay, it simply is part of human existence.

We live in a world of hyperachievement (of which I suffer to be frank), do more, more, more...get more, more, more...be more, more, more...and on, and on, and on.

NO! STOP! Just be for a little bit. Take a moment, a day, a week, heck, how about this next month, you just think about doing less. Take one thing off your plate. Just one. Try it. I double-dog-dare you!

Then, add one thing...but wait. Let me be specific, add one thing for pure enjoyment or entertainment solely for yourself. And no, I don't mean add something you "should" be doing, like exercising and eating healthy! Fine, do that if you want, but I'm talking something for pure pleasure!

I had a beautiful woman call this week overwhelmed. When I asked her about self-care and what she's doing that she enjoys...crickets, nada, nothing. She was pouring from an empty cup. We can't give what we don't have and if we don't have joy Honey, we ain't spread'n it!

Okay Beautiful Humans, here's your homework: Start with removing one thing from your plate that drains you and add one thing to your plate that lifts you up and brings you joy. Ready? GO...List what you're putting down and what you're picking up for the next 30 days. I'll put mine in the comments.

Lastly, one indicator that we are ready for change is that we start researching and planning. So here, if you think you may be ready but you're not sure. Choose one area in life or topic and just start researching it. If it turns in to planning, great, but no expectations. Just have fun researching and exploring ideas for the next couple weeks in some area you may be considering change in.

Change will come when you're ready. Until then, know this...if and when you do change some thing(s), you'll never be any more valuable than you already are right now! You were born invaluable and are still. Take some time and enjoy yourself right now. Don't wait. Do something for you now.

Question Posed: How do you handle fear and faith?

Having met and worked with thousands of people, I realized through studying human behavior, that fear stems only from the need to control. I manage fear and faith first, through the realization that I am not in control of everything, and let the need to control go. Second, I do what I can, with what I have, where I am, and find contentment in that. Thirdly, I have hope in man for empathy and pure collaborations. When that fails, I do not personalize or fret, but accept, smile, and continue living in my own authenticity. Lastly, I trust Creator with the rest and while living everything in between, because ultimately, therein lies my fate and future. I keep firmly to faith in myself, others, and most importantly, Creator.

This approach brings such peace and joy after surviving extreme poverty and abuse as a child, PTSD and debilitating anxiety from past traumas (in childhood and adulthood). I am now medication free and have the courage to do anything I please. I've traveled in and out of the country, no longer need Xanax when I fly, drive anywhere I please, ride in elevators, and do things that were mere wishes before healing.

I've parasailed in the Florida Keys, ziplined over the Royal Gorge, road a horse on the raw beaches of Monterey Bay, walked the streets of New York City, floated into the mist of Niagara Falls, driven 50+ mph on a four-wheeler on the raw beaches of Oregon, hiked into the most amazing sunset at Cape Flattery and hiked in the darkest of dark and wild deep woods back, enjoyed the beautiful mountainous scenes of Colorado from a hot air balloon, cruised to many islands, and my story continues.

Fear has no control over me because I don't control everything; only what I can for the rest isn't my business, it's Creator's. Through many sufferings, I've realized, that He does a fine job taking care of all the things that I cannot control, which is the vast majority of everything. When anxiety rears its ugly head on occasion, I process it quickly (sometimes with the help of a fellow life coach or counselor) and move on with livin and lovin. Life doesn’t have to be so difficult. Fear only has the control I allow it. Faith is the freedom I cling to firmly.

Cheers to Reducing Life’s Pressures,
~Brigitte Ranae

Ever view yourself as a tendency that feels unpleasing? Stop!