WhollyMatrimony4U

I thought my 2023 wedding season was over. (I typically pack up the officiant’s suits and ties after Halloween.) But I just received a request from a groom who’s getting married in a barn near Peoria, Ill., in JANUARY! (Say it with me now: Brrrrrr!)

My first instinct was, “I don’t want to do this.” So I responded with what I thought was an outrageous fee for my services — and he said yes! Have you ever done that, vendors? Then thought to yourself, “Dang, how much more could I have charged before they said no?” 😁

THESE were among the guests for my wedding today in rural Onarga, IL. It was sunny, but a cool and blustery day. I swear I saw the cows shivering: yeah, there was a milk shake! Believe it or not, this is not the first wedding I’ve conducted with cattle in the side yard, and I rather like it. It can make for a very moooooving experience. (I’m shameless.)

THIS was the site for one of my recent ceremonies: the Allen County Courthouse in Fort Wayne, Ind. In all my years, this marked my first time ever inside a courthouse. (At least, as an officiant. 🥲) It’s not only a working courthouse, it is also a national historic landmark. Built between 1897 and 1902, it’s considered one of America’s most significant examples of what’s called Beaux-Arts architecture and is listed on the National Register of Historic Places! And yes, I felt special.

Typically a courthouse wedding requires a judge, but the courthouse is rented out on weekends to anyone. Our ceremony was held on the second floor directly in front of the courthouse rotunda. Great backdrop, but the combination of my fear of heights and my animated presentation style had me scared shaftless the entire wedding. Even while I was speaking, I kept thinking, “Keep moving forward…move up…DON’T STEP BACK!” I’m guessing that seeing your officiant fall over the railing in the middle of your vows would be memorable, but might put a damper on your wedding! Glad we made it through, Bonnie and Garic — and congratulations!

It’s not often that I leave a wedding, a day of pure joy, love and celebration, with a rotten taste in my mouth, but the events of one recent ceremony are still pi***ng me off.

The week of their Forever Day, the groom sends me a text: the mother of the bride has left her husband and run off with her boyfriend FOUR DAYS before the wedding and will not be attending.

Uh…WHAT?

I’m guessing she didn’t just hook up with her boy toy over Labor Day. She couldn’t wait ONE WEEK to break her family apart and not devastate her daughter on the biggest day of her life? I know little of their family dynamics, of course, but that seems intentionally malicious to me.

Plus, I never know what I’ll be walking into when I arrive at a wedding venue, but this news made me especially jittery. Will Mommy Dearest change her mind at the last second and arrive at the wedding with her side piece? Will she come packing heat and try to make it a shotgun wedding?

All praise to God, the wedding came off without a hitch. I thought I was particularly good, in fact. (Nerves, I’m betting.) But suspecting that some of the guests HAD to know about the situation, I made a declaration right off the top. 

“This is a day of celebration,” I told the audience. ”A day of love, the biggest day in this couple’s life. So for the next six hours or so, can we all agree that this day is all about Hector and Hortense? Agreed?”

(The names were changed to protect the innocent.)

It was certainly one of the stranger days I’ve had as a officiant. What about you, fellow wedding vendor vagabonds? What’s the weirdest situation you’ve walked into on a Wedding Day, and how did you respond? 

Wordle 817 3/6

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How much does it make you laugh when you have to TALK YOURSELF Into guessing the right word? 😂

My man Don Was has enjoyed an extraordinary musical career, from performer (I STILL play “Spy in the House of Love” at least once a week while walking Motown!) to producer to record executive. Yet he always finds time to remember and celebrate his Detroit roots. And I like that about him! HAPPY BIRTHDAY (Not Birthday) my friend, and may you enjoy many more!

Taking a huge leap of faith tomorrow: I’ve been invited to join host Nancy Derringer, Joel Sklar, ageless Adolph Mongo and my former Detroit News bandmates Barb Ingalls and Allan Lengel as a guest on “The Week That Was” at 11:30 a.m. Friday on Facebook Live. Now, this is a current affairs talk show, largely focused on Detroit- and Michigan-based issues. I’ve got some homework to do before Friday morning. Hopefully they expect me to be the comedy relief. Prayers appreciated.

A couple I’m contracted to marry NEXT MAY sent me a “Save the Date” card in the mail today.

What, they thought I’d forget? 😂

As the deluge of tributes, memories and accolades come flooding in today, I have to wonder if Jimmy Buffett truly realized how beloved and influential he was. That man — and in particular, THAT song — lifted the moods and changed the musical direction of millions. Many hearts are wastin’ away today. Think I’ll hoist a margarita in his honor at 5 o’clock today. Then again, why wait? It’s 5 o’clock somewhere.