Derby | Reynolds

DO YOU LIKE THE TASTE OF BITING INTO A SWEET ORANGE WITH ITS PEEL ON? YES? GREAT! YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE WEARING OFFICIAL Derby | Reynolds METAL PANTIES®™! AVAILABLE THIS HOLIDAY SEASON AT EVERY WALL-MART ACROSS THE GREAT AGAIN DIVIDED $TATES OF AMERICANT!

YOU$A®™

YOU$A🍊

🎁 💸 COMPANY NEWS — HOLIDAY BONUSES ARE EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY: A letter from our CEO and LORD, Thomas Derby.

A Letter From The Desk of Lord Thomas Derby: Your Holiday Bonus! Listen now | Lord Derby checks in with his company's employees for the holidays with an announcement about their bonus.

Good evening, mthr fkr$, and now an important message:. Derby | Reynolds'​ State of the YOU$A®™ Address: DiegoKoronavirus can not touch me, you, us, them—we!

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/derby-reynolds-state-youa-address-diegokoronavirus-can-derby

TRANSCRIPT:

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Thursday, March 12, 2020, 8PM Central Time

Good day, everyone.

There is general fear and unrest amongst us that has spread far and wide—it is a global concern—from Kenosha to $chaumburg, and Wuhan to Berlin. We are all in this together on the internet. Remember, it is here on the internet where the DiegoKoronavirus can not touch me, you, us, them, we.
We are safe on the internet as long as we remember a few key survival tips during these socially stressful times. My executives and I at Derby | Reynolds need to remind all of you that:
💩 No one cares about your drama.

💩 No one cares about your poor personal decisions.

💩 No one cares about your poor financial decisions.

💩 No one cares about your hashtag campaign.

💩 No one cares about your rights.

💩 No one cares about your memes.

💩 No one cares about your politics.

💩 No one cares about your religions.

💩 No one cares about your genders.

💩 No one cares about your photo uploads.

💩 No one cares about your emojis.

💩 No one cares about the du***ss Republicans who support f**knut Donnie Trump.

💩 No one cares about the powerless and empathetic Democrats who need to save the working class people of the U.S.A. from the du***ss Republicans' poor, divisive, shortsighted, selfish, and ignorant decisions for 24 of the 40 years they've loomed over the executive oval office to run your country into the ground since 1980.

💩 No one cares until it happens to them.

There are many more survival tips to protect yourselves from the demonization of dramatic digital emotions and we are here to offer relief from this global pandemic in life-affirming ways. My team and I will be open 24 hours to help all of you. Free services includes:
👍🏾 Free speedboat rides up and down the Mississippi river.

👍🏾 Free buckets of salsa and chips from the nearest Chili's Grill & Bar, on us—just ask your local Chili's rep to about the Derby | Reynolds DiegoKoronavirus $pecial®™.

👍🏾 Free pairs of chafe-free METAL PANTIES®™.

👍🏾 Free marketing and advertising services—yes, stop paying whoever you're paying today—especially to the poor businesses in Rockford, Illinois, stop paying today. Contact us now to save your business from their greedy rates.

👍🏾 Free all-you-can-eat baskets of 'Talian Nachos from Old Chicago on us—again, ask for the Derby | Reynolds DiegoKoronavirus $pecial®™

👍🏾 Free college-level courses on how to make your own soaps, potatoes, and soups.

👍🏾 Free lessons on how to enjoy quarantining yourselves—i.e., my staff has been quarantined since birth. Our collective average IQ—128 employees— came out to 149. We are borderline genius mode. Our extremely high intellect score is due to a lifelong practice of quarantining ourselves from idiots. Yes, all of you. Sorry, it's the truth. We revel in silence, read books, listen to music, write books, make music, and practice our grammar on a daily basis. We are here to help you better at being a human being!

My people, there is no need to worry but should you, know that me and my staff are here on the internet to simmer the nerves. My company is ready to serve and protect each of you in our eternal pursuit of the higher consciousness. Together we will rise stronger than ever to take the $ out of $cumbags to put back in the YOU$A®™!
Thank you and use soap,
Lord Thomas Derby
CEO, Derby | Reynolds
Derby | Reynolds — THE WAL-MART OF ADVERTISING®™
No alt text provided for this image
"Derby | Reynolds' State of the YOU$A®™ Address: DiegoKoronavirus can not touch me, you, us, them—we!" © 2020 Lord Thomas Derby, under exclusive license by DerbyReynolds.com | Reproduction not permitted. All rights reserved."
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Derby | Reynolds'​ State of the YOU$A®™ Address: DiegoKoronavirus can not touch me, you, us, them—we! Thursday, March 12, 2020, 8PM Central Time Good day, everyone. There is general fear and unrest amongst us that has spread far and wide—it is a global concern—from Kenosha to $chaumburg, and Wuhan to Berlin.

TUNE IN TONIGHT! Our Lord and CEO will be making a public statement and offering global relief to all affected by the DiegoKoronavirus. You do not want to miss this.

Vote Lord Thomas Derby in 2020 to receive a pair of free METAL PANTIES ®™

HUGE NEWS MTHRFKR$®
CEO and LORD, Thomas Derby, officially enters 2020 U.S. Presidential Race.

Lord Thomas Derby, CEO, Enters 2020 Presidential Election Race - Derby | Reynolds PRESS RELEASE: FEBRUARY 20, 2020 Lord Thomas Derby, esteemed CEO of DERBY | REYNOLDS—THE WAL-MART OF ADVERTISING™—is entering the 2020 Presidential Election Race. The Kenosha, Wisconsin, native and adopted $ON OF $CHAUMBURG—also known as an enemy to all scumbag politicians and business owner...

Happy birthday to Gordon!

Congratulations to our Global Branding team for their ADDY-award winning campaign for Metal Panties International Co.! Our Lord and CEO of ALL chimes in. Read more below!

Metal Panties International Co.: Silver ADDY-Winning Undergarments Made With ADDY-Winning Branding by Derby | Reynolds Metal Panties International Co. is a major fulcrum around which $chaumburg, Illinois’ suburban sprawl towards the Northern Illinois sh*thole known as Rockford, Illinois has flourished.

If y'all looking for an orange speed boat with a white dot on it, contact my team at Derby | Reynolds. HAIL YA$ YOU$A®™ MTHR FKR$! THAT'S RIGHT!

Words from our Lord and CEO, 12-20-2018:

"No one likes to talk about what it takes to create a great record, painting, book , film, script, theater performance, fast food commercial and alike. I will.

One: It's called jerking yourself off in public and giving no s**ts about what others may think of you.

Two: It's called jerking everyone else off to the point they believe in your creative bu****it.

Three: Find the nearest fast food restaurant—any will do but it must be a chain, not local—order up a fried meal, hell, fool yourselves with a salad and yogurt, sit your proud American ass down and wait for it.

Four: Now you've done it, a masterpiece in the making— wait to eat s**t, eat the s**t.

Five: Wait to make the s**t, make the s**t.

Six: Go nigh-night.

Seven: Wake up with the s**t fully baked and release it. Release the s**t but give no s**ts.

There ya have it. The secret to great art.

YOU$A®!"

— Lord Thomas Derby

It's that time of the year again to share our LORD and CEO's legendary holiday podcast special. 23 festive songs, handpicked to soundtrack your beliefs, including a special yuletide version of "12 Days of Working," written and performed by our Lord Thomas Derby with Andy Whorehall and their late great Tuesday night bowling friend, Reggie Railroad Reynolds.

Free to listen, share, stream, and download:
http://articles.andywhorehall.com/lord-derbys-youa-holiday-special

YOU$A®

Lord Derby’s YOU$A Holiday Special Lord Derby’s YOU$A Holiday SpecialPosted by Andy Whorehall in SAS&T tagged with andy whorehall / christmas mix / christmas songs / episode 18 / Holiday Special / Lord / reggie "railroad" reynolds / Songs About Stuff and Things / thom derby / thomas / twelve days of christmas / twelve days of worki...

The holiday season provides special office memories— December 17, 2018:

Our IT Cloud Management Director and Human Resources Research Mole and Jr. Sales Supervisor, Lawrence Tethernick—yes, the younger brother of Jeff in Accounting—was setting up a new, mobile smart station with synchronized CRM software and company accounts for Louisa Bentraglia, our most recent hire in Sales. A little background about Ms. Bentraglia's work experience:

Louisa is of European and Middle East descent, half Swedish, half Persian, a first born American, long shiny dark hair, tiny waist, beautiful body—nice butt, yes—long legs and olive skin, orage eyes, juicy red lips (though that could be her lipstick), possesses a raspy voice and is very sexy. She smells like a fir tree and says "Oops, can someone help me?" every 12 minutes, and every male, married, taken and single, comes slithering to her attention.

All of the guys around the office can't get enough of "the new girl in Sales."

We overheard Todd say today, "You talk to the new girl in Sales yet, Jim?" "No, Todd. She's hot," replied Jim. "Smokin' bro," said Todd. "Get this, she's from Eurupe, her name is Louisa," added Todd. "Oh man, wonder if she likes American guys," said Jim. "I don't know, Jim, but I'm going to know her soon, bro," said Todd. "Me too," said Jim. "HASHTAG , TODD!" And everyone laughed.

Meanwhile, Larry and Louisa were getting comfy during IT Show and Tell Hour to Todd and Jim's dismay.

"Mmm, is that your perfume?" Larry asked Louisa, while sitting close next to each other. Louisa put her hand on Larry's upper thigh near his pocket and giggled, "Everyone asks me that. Ugh. No. It's my shampoo! I use fir tree shampoo. Organic and gluten free, made with kale and mint. I leave it in, no rinse!"

Larry didn't hear a word she said. While Louisa was talking, Todd and Jim noticed Louisa's hand slowly moving across Larry's upper thigh/khaki pant pocket region towards his dick. "HOLY S**T, JIM," said Todd. "HER HAND IS ON HIS DICK," said Jim.

"Louisa, I, um..." Larry froze, tongue hanging out and dripping like an icicle in the sun.

Louisa quickly pulled back her hand, made a fist, punched Larry in the dick, and stood up to look down at him, yelling: "Seems to me as if you don't have on your METAL PANTIES®, Larry! Are we done yet?"

Todd and Jim both yelped in pain from afar while Larry fell out of his chair, rolled on the ground grabbing his p***s and crying, "Lord... oh Lord... Oh my Lord."

(Lord Thomas Derby? Where art thou? Lord Derby wasn't in the office! Holy holiday hell.)

Louisa slithered slowly towards Todd and Jim, "I'm done with Larry. Is there anything that you two bozos can help me with today?"

Todd and Jim looked at each other and then back at Louisa, each holding their hands over their respective dicks.

"Um, do you want to go to Chili's Grill & Bar with us on Fridays?" Said Jim. "Friday Fundays at Chili's Grill & Bar! You'll meet Sean Lippy and the crew. Sometimes we mix it up and hit Red Lobster!" offered Todd.

"THE Sean Lippy? My boss's ex?" asked Louisa.

"Oh. Don't worry. Alyssa Sojahnowski and Sean haven't been an item for years," Todd said.

"I like to keep my lunches free," offered Louisa.

"That's a yes if I ever heard one," Jim laughed.

"It's not funny, guys. I don't have time for chips and salsa. I'm the new girl. I need to know who's fu***ng who at noon during Friday Fundays if y'all at the Chili's Grill & Bar? If Sean and Alyssa aren't fu***ng on Friday Fundays, who is?" Louisa grinned while staring through Jim and Todd.

Todd and Jim's hands dropped in rhythm from their dicks due to Louisa's power— an evil spell! She picked up a nearby chair, gripping two legs like a baseball bat and smacked the bros across their heads, dropping like bowling pins to the ground! Louise finished them off by pile-driving her fists into their dicks! GAME OVER, MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM DERBY REYNOLDS!

What each man around our headquarter doesn't know until right now on our social media company page is that we hired a BLACK MAGIC WITCH to pretend to be "the new girl" around our office. Louisa Bentraglia is an experienced time travelling witch from the 13th century, recruited by Lord Thomas Derby and hired to clean up the $CUMBAGS! EVERYONE WILL THINK SHE'S A SEXY SALES REP! Nope. She's a bad ass witch! Louisa gonna f**k you up, bro!

YOU$A®!

Here's the deal: We here at THE WAL-MART OF ADVERTISING™ answer to the LORD and CEO of ALL in the YOU$A®— Thomas Derby.

If you or anyone on your team needs help fighting civic pride campaign marketing evil and financial heists being performed in broad daylight—especially in downtown Rockford (located in sunny, northern Illinois)—please connect with our LORD's page on LinkedIn.

LinkedIn is a serious Facebook, ok?

Together on LinkedIn we can put an end to greed, mediocrity, and overpaid civic pride campaigns and events that the same individuals who are operating PR, mass media communications, marketing and advertising firms are making a sick six figure buck on with their help of their public charity and municipal connections.

Together we can take their budgets and cut 90% off what the competition is offering! HELL YEAH, YÖU$A M*THE® F*CKER$— GIT $UM!

https://www.linkedin.com/in/lordthomasderby

www.linkedin.com

YOU$A®™ MØTHR FCKER$!

You proud dumbos thought we were lunatics with all of this nonsense, and then you went and put our company's marketing punchline in the White House and staffed him with characters that we here at the WAL-MART OF ADVERTISING have been warning you about since our inception.

The scumbags are real, and they're living and breathing monsters inside each of our little, filthy American communities. They are the owners, account execs. and sales slt reps within the fascist, hypocritical, greedy and still strangely proud walls of advertising, marketing and PR firms.

They are disgusting human beings who are being paid to fill the intellectual void that resides inside each of you.

YOU$A®™!

We gave Sean Lippy and our $exiest sales rep, Alyssa, the day off to eat Chips and Fried Chicken with Chilirita drinks at Chili's Grill & Bar on us. They used to be an item, but Alyssa's success at closing sales led her into the arms and beds of a few of our clients. Our company is up 41% in gross sales since 2013 because of Alyssa. Linda and Jenny Kowalski are decent sales reps, super nice and smart, but they haven't closed a sale since 2009.

A little company story for you: Sean and Alyssa used to do it in the Ethernet Cables closet on Tuesdays. Every Tuesday, a Tuesday Nooner. We're hoping that giving them the day off for Valentine's Day improves Sean's attitude. He has been an as***le to everyone since 2013. We don't fire him because he is the best goddamn IT Administrator in America. We pay him to keep our passwords and secrets mum. Sean needs to get laid—for the health of our company. Someone blow Sean if Alyssa can't suck it up for our company's success. No pun intended.

Have a happy Valentine's Day, and if you can't, try two cups of coffee with a banana and a bowl of cheerios to have a stinky Gordon insteady!

— LaVonne Hayes
Derby | Reynolds

A message from Our Lord and CEO.

Wow, a message from our LORD!

Randall Margraves, under direct orders from our LORD and CEO, Thomas Derby, everyone here at THE WAL-MART OF ADVERTISING™ hereby salutes you with your own LORD and CEO meme. If only everyone had the ethics and passion you do to attempt taking down mother fu***ng American scumbags the right way—YOU$A™!

You have a choice—you can be a $cumbag Ad Firm Owning Pony, or a LORD and CEO! Here's a free meme for you to share on your intellectually void social media journey.

Hi Gordon 🍗🍗🍗

Good morning, little ponies. Do good internet today. Make marketing stuff. Share photos of your self aggrandizing accomplishments.

Very portant nouncement:

An important message from your CEO and LORD of ALL in the YOU$A, Thomas Derby:

"August 30, 2017

The key to remaining a hireable, lacklustre human being isn't about having the easiest resume, C.V. and portfolio, to peruse through, no, it's much simpler. Toss all of that nonsense away. Working hard and being kind are bu****it hiring theories.

This is the key: Use your social media account to promote your awesome life through event invites, your baby's cute seasonal outfit, your annually staged, autumnal, $500 family photos, and any/all posts to fall in line with becoming the everybody's everyone.

To be like everyone else, to have no voice, to compete with the rats and the sheep until the end of times, the end of common sense, the end of you, the end of original thinking, and the end of internet.

That's right, m***er f****rs! It's as easy as that.

You're welcome,

Lord Thomas Derby
CEO and LORD of ALL in the YOU$A
Derby | Reynolds, $chaumburg, Illinois
http://derbyreynolds.com"

Derby | Reynolds - Prepare to wear your metal panties™

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA YAS

What is everyone wearing to the power point presentation at Chili's Grill & Bar in Schaumburg, Illinois tomorrow?

We are so happy in Schaumburg, Illinois to host an event that was cancelled in Rockford, Illinois!

"Git your metal panties® on, you lazy Americans! YOU$A™ mother f*****s!"

— Sean Lippy, I.T. Director, Derby Reynolds

A holiday letter from our LORD and CEO of ALL in the YOU$A™:

"Greetings, peasants.

Turkeys and divisive conversations awaits you all. More importantly, there have been reports of people buying up Hillary and Donnie TP for the holidays to impress their family and friends. I want to say, yes, I will happily s**t on the floor right next to the toilet bowl and leave it there if I see anything but old fashioned caucasian paper.

I am asking all of you, especially my employees (Sean Lippy, I'm counting on you to rally up Alyssa Sojahnowski, Jeffrey Tethernick, Jennifer Kowalski and their teams), to drop a poo poo where it belongs should this event occur.

Everyone, you've been warned. Myself, including my employees, are incredibly productive and creatively prolific with the rare alone time—so, missing your personal company is an absolute punchline that we can eternally expend without any guilt or longing should we be banned from future clock hogging.

P**f.

Please don't influence the only peaceful moment that most of us snobby elitists have in the poo poo room with custom Hillary and Donnie TP. Ok? You think this post is weird enough for your daily TED and YOUTUBE breaks? Too deep? Amateurs.

The road to 2020 is gonna be a long, strange ride into the bowels of your minds. People get what people deserve and what most of you deserve is a stinky pile of poo poo.

DARE ME, M%THER F*CKERS. THAT'S RIGHT! DARE ME.

Metal panties for everyone this holiday season.

YOU$A™

LTD"

Wow, our Lord has spoken! Safe travels, everyone.

Jennifer Kowalski
Marketing Research Director
Derby | Reynolds

Kowalski's Corner | 2: make italian nachos - Derby | Reynolds OUR KEYWORD SEARCH RESULT WINNER(s) OF THE WEEK!* “make italian nachos” Congratulations to the 19 people who apparently found our company’s website in google using that keyword phrase. We believe you were able to locate our site because our legendary I.T. admin, Sean Lippy, has written many times a...

Good afternoon, Gordon! You're one day away from another Friday Funday at Chili's Grill & Bar!

Our Lord and CEO, Thomas Derby, has released a statement regarding your choices for leadership:

"With less than a month until another election, it's important to remember that ignorance and wealth goes a long way in America.
These are the two 'skill' requirements to be a politician and LORD of all along with an ability to lie, lie, lie with a smile.

Socio-psychological, economic and political Positivity is the greatest deterrence for defeating logic, reality and cold, dick-eating truths.

Once-middle class people-now upper lower class, take a look at the last 40 years. Look at your friends and families—are your lives and job opportunities that much better despite whichever party you've wasted votes on?

I doubt it. Electoral College rules all.

There is only one choice you have to act on that makes a difference in your life every single day: Jersey Mike's Subs, a jumbo beef and provolone!

Ask for it to be extra with extra . Wow, wow, wow. More for me, and that is the story of America that both of the major parties—Democraps and Republitardes—won't tell you: ME, ME, ME.

So, I ask you think about your choices today: You can eat a delicious, wet sandwich from Jersey Mike's, or you can eat a dick. It's that simple. That's how much your voting rights mean when it's all said and done.

YOU$A™ and metal panties,

Lord Thomas Derby
CEO, Derby | Reynolds
The Wal-Mart of Advertising"

Everyone here at Derby | Reynolds has made their choice!

Have a GREAT day,

Alyssa Sojahnowski
Account Executive, Sales Closer and B.J. Queen
Derby | Reynolds

Jersey Mike's Subs - Authentic Sub Sandwich Franchise Since 1956 Jersey Mike's Subs makes a Sub Above - fresh sliced, authentic Northeast-American style sub sandwiches on fresh baked bread. Subs are prepared Mike's Way® with onions, lettuce, tomatoes, oil, vinegar and spices. More than 1,500 locations open and under development throughout the United States.

Black Matter Lives

Now you can learn the $ecret$ of Lord Thomas Derby's $UCCESS:

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We are very grateful and thankful that Bon Iver has decided to help us take the $ out of scumbags to put back into the YOU$A!

Pre-order: http://smarturl.it/22AMillion