Macalester Hegemonocle

The Macalester Hegemonocle: Probably Macalester's First Humor Magazine The Hegemonocle is probably Macalester's first humor (and now last... thx pandemic) magazine.

We are also deeply involved in a variety of humanitarian causes, such as sign awareness week. If you like us on Facebook and get three of your friends to like this page then one random freshman will be assigned to give you a foot massage/ read you some select Walt Whitman poems.

Volume 22, Issue 1 - Quarantine Part II - The Spiky Boi Edition 12/17/2020

Volume 22, Issue 1 - Quarantine Part II - The Spiky Boi Edition

You heard what now? A new Hege is out? Are you sure????

HEHEHEH GET PRANKED of course you're sure!!! New Hege, SPIKY BOI edition out NOW!!! CHeck it out on ISSUU:

Volume 22, Issue 1 - Quarantine Part II - The Spiky Boi Edition Distributed electronically December 16, 2020.

Macalester Hegemonocle updated their information in their About section. 12/16/2020

Macalester Hegemonocle updated their information in their About section.

Macalester Hegemonocle updated their information in their About section. 05/04/2020

Volume 21 Issue 4 "Quarantine" Edition

Here it is, at long last: The Quarantine Issue!
We hope you enjoy! Happy last day of classes, especially to all
you seniors! Issuu is a digital publishing platform that makes it simple to publish magazines, catalogs, newspapers, books, and more online. Easily share your publications and get them in front of Issuu’s millions of monthly readers. Title: Volume 21 Issue 4 "Quarantine" Edition, Author: The Macalester Hegemon...


Today is the day! Distribution will be happening between 11:50-1:20 today in front of the CC! Catch us there to get a copy!


New Hegemonocles drop RIGHT NOW!!!

[02/07/18]   We now have an Instagram page! Follow us at @the_hegemonocle for top quality content

[02/02/18]   Guess what? THE ORG FAIR IS TOMORROW! Guess who's gonna be there? THE HEGEMONOCLE! Stop by and sign up for some great jokes and whatever

[11/10/17]   Is your soul as cold and icy as the Twin Cities? Warm up with The Hegemonocle! It's content is witty and the magazine itself can be used as an impromptu hat.

DISTRIBUTION TODAY over the lunch hour in front of the Campus Center! 09/30/2017 Macalester College Radio

Hello, adoring fans! Guess what? Now you can get quality* content every week straight to your ears! Tune in to WMCN Macalester College Radio every Saturday at 10 pm to hear some FCC-approved funnies.

*Definition of quality is subjective Free-format, student run community radio from Macalester College.


Under new management. 05/12/2017

Disillusioned First Year Attends First “Progresso Party”

“I guess I just didn’t think this is what college was gonna be like. Sure, I expected the peer pressure, just never really soup-related. I thought that the Bisque Bash Spring Sampler was just a one off quirk when I visited… They were playing beer pong with soup cans…I just, I think I just need some time to adjust.” Eager to gain notoriety on campus and attract potential players, the Men’s Rugby team hosted a three stop Progresso Party last Saturday Night. Said Sophomore Liam Trout: “You know, it feels like th…

[05/05/17]   Need a break from finals? It's ok. Hege is here to comfort you.

See you outside the CC tomorrow.


Coming to an atmosphere near you

[05/02/17]   Anyone know the weather on Friday 👀


guess what this is???? 04/13/2017

New Executive Order Ruins Life For Definitely Everyone This Time

Every morning, all Americans will henceforth be required to put on highly absorbent socks and step in a puddle of water which Chris Christie puts on their bathroom floor. They are then duty-bound to wear the socks for the rest of the day Among the flood of new executive orders signed by President Trump, the most recent one is turning heads. At approximately 1:30 PM EST on March 19th of 2017, Trump signed a new order: every morning,… 04/08/2017

David Sisk Cloning Project Discovered in Basement of Dupre

It is now more important than ever that you don’t give ITS your password. The Sisks’ motives are still unknown. An FBI investigation is underway at Macalester College after Eric Brockton ’20 made a startling discovery at approximately 11:30 pm Wednesday night. The hungry first-year was searching for a vendin… 03/28/2017

Applying for Sophomore housing?

Bigelow? I could have sworn that I would be in Wallace by now–I’m just trying to get back there. Why are the lights so dim here? The way they flicker is making me really uncomfortable... Applying for Sophomore housing is infamously known as a stressful aspect of a first-year’s experience at Macalester College. Here’s some information on the big options of living. Bigelow? I …

[03/27/17]   Who up? 03/25/2017

Help! I have a moral dillema…

Can you help me? I have a pretty big decision to make I feel that I have been faced with a moral dilemma, a true test of my humanity, a monumental decision that one faces but a single time in their life: my housekeeper keeps stringing my guests up by …

[03/20/17]   This is a callout post.

[03/20/17]   BIG news this week...


Blunt Privilege: the privilege of having enough w**d to smoke blunts

1) You have way more w**d
2) You look cool af
3) More face to face time with the gas station attendant than your average person
4) ... You have way more w**d You look cool af More face to face time with the gas station attendant than your average person Convenient conversation starter at literally any moment Blueberry wraps are a …


Rejected articles from The Mac Weekly

Our investigative journalists have uncovered some unused articles from The Mac Weekly's vault. You won't believe what we found... First year’s retainer blog -How does it feel being put on every night, but put away every morning? Senior impressions -Find one sympathetic to how busy all the first years are Alumni impressions -H…


Macalester Hegemonocle's cover photo 02/08/2017

Trump Administration Lowers Gas Prices to 1950s Levels

In addition, tech companies in Silicon Valley are already beginning to phase out tablets and computers and replace them with typewriters, in accordance with Trump’s new measures. Making true on his campaign promises to return the United States to the conditions of the 1950s, Donald Trump today announced that gas prices have been lowered to $0.20 per gallon. The announcement… 02/05/2017

Real Life Team Rocket? Could the bumbling criminals from the children’s cartoon be real?

Could these two ragtag robbers be the real life Jesse and James of Team Rocket, the notorious Pokemon stealing crew from the hit show, Pokemon? Could these two ragtag robbers be the real life Jesse and James of Team Rocket, the notorious Pokemon stealing crew from the hit show, Pokemon? 10 year-old Tammy Johnson sure thinks so. “I w… 02/03/2017

Upcoming Kagins

ITS Kagin – David Sisk will stand outside and ask for your email password. If you give it to him, you’re thrown out The Hegemonocle has been given exclusive access to the list of upcoming Kagin themes the Macalester Administration is hoping to host. Which are you most excited about? St. Thomas Kagin – St.…


NEW YEAR. NEW WAFFLEMAKER. NEW HEGE. Everything you thought you knew about your very own campus humor magazine is going out the window faster than you can say "hegemony!" From now on, you'll be spoon-fed laughs right here on your facebook feed, courtesy of If you're realizing how bad things are and need a place to bury your sadness, feel free to browse our newly updated site. If you want a small sample of what to expect, check out one of the articles coming out tomorrow: Yes, that's right, I said TOMORROW. Prepare yourselves because it's a dousey. See you all outside the CC from 11-1 for your copy. If you're too lazy to pick one up, don't worry, because we'll also be at the Org Fair. You can't avoid us that easy!

[11/04/16]   This Monday was the 499th anniversary of Martin Luther's 95 Theses. In honor, the Hegemonocle taped their own 95 thesis on the Weyerhaeuser Chapel door. Check out this and more content in our first issue coming out next Friday 11/11!

1. Bell too high above ground
2. Marlon James
3. No creativity on campus outside of The Spark
4. Puzzle in library is too hard to solve
5. Chicken in Scotty’s is bad
6. No brand consistency
7. Vacuums make your room dirtier
8. People keep talking to me on library first floor
9. Kirk Basement Lounge open too often
10. Lost in tunnels underneath Wallace
11. No bathroom in Link besides bushes outside
12. Bushes outside Link smell weird
13. Track for square-wheeled bike is not long enough
14. Poor security for rocks in the Geology department
15. Theory classes give me existential crises
16. Not enough forks
17. Mac Dicks is gone
18. No one to offer me ci******es on campus (How am I supposed to make friends?)
19. Too much work
20. My parents are getting divorced
21. Can’t get to bottom of salsa jar
22. Kirk
23. New CVS on Grand
24. Shish raising prices
25. Can’t find good time to do acid because too much work
26. Patagonia jacket too expensive
27. Patagonia jacket is too obviously a Patagonia jacket
28. Too cold
29. Vandalism is unoriginal
30. We can’t make fun of MCSG because they control our funding
31. Card access is a joke
32. Printing shaming
33. Library computers are slow
34. GDD built too recently to already feel like nursing home
35. Curry in Cafe Mac way too spicy
36. RHD won’t let me crawl through window
37. Not enough jokes in Mac Weekly
38. Someone keeps banging their preceptor in the shower
39. I’m a preceptor but no one will bang me
40. Campus is too small and too big
41. Keep running into my ex
42. Too many org emails
43. Our mascot is literally a white man
44. Not enough entrepreneurship
45. Grate graffiti is now lame (I don’t even want to smoke w**d there anymore)
46. Too liberal artsy
47. Not enough Republicans
48. I just get a bad vibe (bad vibes everywhere)
49. Too much unprotected s*x
50. Too many sad white boys
51. Crossing Grand isn’t dangerous enough
52. I love Chanter so much it scares me
53. I get sober walking between parties
54. Swings always occupied
55. I feel inadequate at the gym
56. Library bikes break easily
57. I’m not vegetarian
58. Not enough therapy cats
59. All athletes D3 quality tops
60. I have Verizon
61. I used to feel really good about myself
62. Other people’s ACT scores too high
63. I want to be big fish in small pond again
64. Automatic toilets flush prematurely
65. Sometimes pears in Cafe Mac brown not green (green is better)
66. CC basement bathroom stall has a mirror; I have to watch myself s**t
67. Sometimes people stop you from stealing from Cafe Mac
68. Bagpipe Guy’s raw s*xual magnetism distracts me from sporting events
69. Dupre art offensively bad
70. Reset the water counters on water fountains (never see one hit 99999)
71. The Spark set fire to my home
72. No Rastafarian Chaplain
73. Disgracefully low Amish representation in student body
74. No elevator in Bigelow
75. Music building is least sound-proof building on campus
76. Sculptures in library are terrifying
77. Campus is too far away
78. Not enough corporate sponsorship
79. Work study boss makes me file taxes
80. Too few mozz sticks in app samplers
81. No on-campus bus system
82. Not enough interaction with Mitchell Law students
83. Washing machines in Wallace rotate too fast
84. Middle schoolers in the Loch hustled me at billiards
85. Too much anti-fossil rhetoric
86. My parents are the only ones who listen to my radio show
87. Cafe Mac won’t let you take the display vegetables
88. Macalester geofilter
89. Closest grocery store is a Whole Foods
90. Too many things named Weyerhaeuser
91. My off-campus rent is too high
92. Some TVs in Leonard Center not on Food Network
93. That weird silver staple thing in the library
94. Cafe Mac coffee burned hole in most organs
95. Too close to St. Thomas

[10/31/16]   Hey! Stop complaining that you have nothing to do between noon and 12:30 today and come to the Chapel for an exclusively inclusive Hegemonocle event.

499 years ago, Martin Luther dropped his Ninety-Five Theses, catalyzing the Protestant Reformation.

Today, Hege publishes our own Ninety-Five Theses, catalyzing you being outside the chapel at noon.

Chapel. Noon. Hege's Ninety-Five Theses. #BellTooHigh

See you soon,
Hege 02/23/2016 Macalester College Radio

Tune in to our radio show tonight at 9 to hear Sinister Resentment's new single "Paper Strip Clubs," as well as the top eleven ways that getting expelled can benefit your life.

Hege Radio Productions Presents: The Hegemonocle presents The Hegemonocle

9 pm CST, WMCN 91.7 FM stream: Macalester College's best and only student-run radio station. 12/06/2015

The Hegemonocle (@Hegemonocle) posted a photo on Twitter

Editor-in-chief Lydia does her best to sabotage @MagazineChanter release party #leadership Get the whole picture - and other photos from The Hegemonocle 12/06/2015

The Hegemonocle (@Hegemonocle) posted a photo on Twitter

"Tech Editor" Xander definitely for sure has this PowerPoint ready at @MagazineChanter release party #XanderWatch Get the whole picture - and other photos from The Hegemonocle

Videos (show all)

Sinister Resentment's newest single: "Nameless Frog." Based on a true story. Featuring Sarah Coleman on ukulele and Noah...



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