Max Ziegfeld

My doctor told me that a brisk daily walk adds years to your life, but those years will obviously be spent walking, so it completely defeats the purpose

Getting an echocardiogram

I told my date I wanted to go somewhere expensive, so he took me to a gas station.

Deciding on dinner with gay friends is like a hostage situation where everyone says 'I don't care' until someone faints from low blood sugar.

"People ask me, 'Are you always this extra?' and I look at them with the deep, exhausted wisdom of a man who has spent sixty years perfecting his craft and say, 'Honey, "extra" is just the baseline. I haven't even started the finale yet.'"

My brain is currently running like an old Windows 95 computer. You click on "Get Out of Bed," and a little hourglass just spins for four hours until the whole system crashes and you have to unplug it.

I tried to go to a spa to relax. Because my doctor told me, "Maxx, you need to find your inner peace." Inner peace! At my age, inner peace is just a polite term for a mild stroke. So I go to this high-end spa They put me in a dark room with a cucumber on my face and played the sound of whale noises. Whale noises!Darling, if I wanted to hear a giant, bloated mammal groaning in agony for an hour, I would have stayed home and looked in the mirror!"

I'm a comedian in Los Angeles.Which means I’ve lived in North Hollywood for twenty years and my landlord thinks my actual legal name is "The Check Is In The Mail."